Thursday, October 3, 2013

31 LISTS OF HALLOWEEN: "THE FIVE WORST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN"

Although Halloween is undoubtedly the best time of the year to be a horror fan, it's not all pumpkin spice and everything nice.  If I'm being totally honest, there's a lot of things about Halloween that totally suck.  I hate to be the one to poop in the punch bowl at our month long party, but we cannot kid ourselves and believe October is a magical time where nothing could possibly bother us.  Time to expose the reality of the haunting season, here's the worst things about Halloween.
PUNNY LINGO
Unlike the familial holidays accompanied by large feasts with extended families we otherwise ignore the rest of the year, Halloween replaces the "formal" etiquette of the other traditional holidays and replaces it with groan inducing puns and portmanteaus.  We get it, you combined "spooky" with "spectacular" and made "spooktacular."  That doesn't make your sale prices on Duck Dynasty underwear look anymore appealing, Walmart.
 BLATANT OBJECTIFICATION
I've already covered the topic of women's costume options come time for Halloween, but it unfortunately requires repeating.  Look, I'm all for a woman's right to wear whatever she wants regardless of the situation.  The problem is NOT that women are wearing skimpy costumes, the problem is that skimpy costumes appear to be our only option and we are socially conditioned to see it as some sort of requirement. I can't wait to see the slut-shaming comments on November 1st from all of the girls wearing similar comments and the men who couldn't take the "slutty Bert" home the night before! It's a great time of year. /sarcasm.


RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS
Oh, these people.  Here's the thing, folks.  We're not forcing you to participate. If you don't agree with Halloween as a holiday, that's fine.  Put a sign on your door that says you don't participate and take your family elsewhere for the evening.  It's 2013, if you think the kids trick-or-treating on your doorstep are begging for candy in the name of Satan, you're a freaking idiot.  The true "meaning" of Halloween has been lost for decades, and protesting or lecturing the little kids that come to your doorstep don't make you a good Christian, they make you an asshole ruining the fun of children. The fact that people like this exist makes me crazy.  Just give the kid in a Scooby Doo costume a friggen' fun size Twix bar and move on with your life or don't participate. It's simple.




ASSHOLE TEENAGERS
Left a candy bowl because you had to take your kids trick or treating? You're getting egged. Gave out raisins instead of candy? You're getting T.P'd.  Put out a Jack-O-Lantern? It's getting smashed. Owner of a house of a teenage kid? Shit's going down.  I never understood the idea of being a vandal or criminal on a night where police security is at an all time high, but asshole teenagers are all about getting out their dick behaviors on Halloween.
GETTING BROKE AS HELL
Seasonal foods, seasonal smells, pumpkin spice everything, candy for trick or treaters, candy for ourselves, Monster Cereals, Halloween costumes, BOOZE, candy to just lie around the house, decorations, pumpkins, bags to rake leaves into, cider, candles, conventions, haunted house tickets, and all the other crap we load ourselves up on that we don't necessarily need (but seriously, we really do need it) takes a mighty punch to our wallets.  Considering a majority of these things we love are only around for about two months, we tend to go a little haywire and splurge a lot more than we normally would.  Trick or Treat? Hell, we should be turning tricks just to afford these damn treats.

2 comment(s):

Abra Cadaver said...

The punny lingo doesn't bother me so much (I'm guilty of using 'creeptastic' year round), but the rest, I definitely agree on. I go broke every October on all the fun seasonal stuff.

Brian said...

Yeah, about the broke part, I'm broke mostly year round, but this gripe only surfaced particularly in the last year or two.

Who at General Mills decided that, at the very least, Count Chocula needed to only be released around Halloween? I used to be able to buy him any damn time I wanted, but nope, he's a seasonal thing now. IMHO, the best chocolate cereal out there. /sigh

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