Friday, December 21, 2012

SEXIEST ANIMALS IN HORROR MOVIES

Horror fans are a bunch of weirdos, but you're the greatest weirdos I've ever known.  Since I've been pummeled by the treacherous Battle Royale style game of survival called "Senior Year of College", I haven't had much time to sit down and blog, let alone think about writing topics that aren't going to give me credit hours.  This evening I decided to let YOU, the reader decide what I should blog about.  I posted on the official Day of the Woman facebook page for blog topics and guaranteed to write about the first five (and any of the consecutive entries I found interesting).  I'm a woman of my word, so this will be an ongoing series of delightful fun.  Our first entry comes from Bloody-Disgusting's own music critic, Jonathan Barkan. At what I hope was an attempt to be a smartass, the first suggestion was "sexiest animals in horror".  After much thought and some horrifying realizations, I've actually got a list. Seriously, Jon? REALLY?!

 SPLICE: There was a far more NSFW image I could have used of Dren, but I didn't want to spoil any parts of the film for those who haven't had it.  A breathtakingly gorgeous hybrid of different animals spliced with human DNA, Dren made audience members everywhere slowly question their sexual desires and made the Sexy Stud from Clerks II look a little less creepy with his feelings on inter-species erotica, hey.  A subpar film, but definitely a sexy, sexy creature of science. Sometimes, playing God makes some lovely products.

CAT PEOPLE: Going for the 1982 remake with German goddess Nastassja Kinski would have been far too easy to showcase, and her big name often overshadows the grace that was Simone Simon in the original film.  French starlet, Simone Simon was the woman who truly personified the popular desire to have "a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed".  I think that if women aspired to be more like panthers and less like cougars, the dating world would be a bit more interesting.  She brings an entirely new meaning to "faster, pussycat" in the best ways possible.  Meow indeed.  

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: I'll probably catch some slack for this one considering this animal is really just the product of some poor victims being sewn together by connecting their digestive tracts, but the fact that it's an animal made of humans permanently going ass-to-mouth makes them the kinkiest of any of the animals on this list.  I won't knock someone's hustle and if people are cool with going Downtown Julie Brown or tasting the pink starfish, be my guest, but always remember that in the process, you're one person away from being a voluntary human centipede. Enjoy.

SLITHER: This animal is geared a little more towards the women, well, I guess men too if this is the sort of thing that tickles your fancy.  Despite the adverse side effects of letting one of these buggers in your no-no zone, the folks behind this film could have made a killing in slithering slug shaped sex toys.  I'll even let you keep the prototype name and allow you to go all instagram and make a profit without even notifying me.  Seriously, think about it. A permanently lubricated slithering phallic object? Men would be rendered obsolete.

ANACONDA: A wise sage once spoke, "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun," and I personally choose to live my life with this mantra.  The nice part about an anacoda is that it's an equal opportunity sexy monster.  Not only is the snake shaped like a mountain sized pork sword, but it's got a vagina for a mouth.  Seriously, LOOK AT THAT PICTURE. Take the fangs out and you've got a breathing fleshlight. Escaping the fact that this thing could deep throat a small Himalayan village, an anaconda could be a pretty awesome night out.  Just be warned, the bite is pretty poisonous, you might want to stock up on some serious penicillin. Jon, I'm really starting to hate you for making me do this list. I digress...

Five is going to have to be sufficient because making this list makes me feel really disgusting and I would much rather swallow lawn darts than try to sexualize any more horror movie animals.  Luckily, the rest of the suggestions for posts were a bit less ridiculous.  Again, thanks Jon for this strange idea!

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4 comment(s):

DrunkethWizerd said...

Wow. This post started off 'innocently' enough, but those last three really got me going.

0_O

The Goodkind said...

Good post, but didn't the Slither slug owe its entire existence to the parasitic prostheses of Shivers? The bathtub scene with Barbara Steele was a step above...

Illsa Gorrey said...

That fricken snake makes me want to run for cover! I'm not usually afraid of snakes, but egads, that mouth!

Maynard Morrissey said...

LOL Hilarious list! Anaconda, a breathing fleshlight? Never thought of that but yeah, makes sense :D

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