Wednesday, July 18, 2012


NOTE: I composed this review a month or so ago and have absolutely no recollection of writing it.  I came across it in my blog drafts and after a couple dozen requests from my twitter followers, I'm releasing it here for you all to see.  Be warned: alcohol is a hell of a drug.

In case you haven't been reading me for a while, you should know by now that only I'm a half step above a fetus. That's right, Ms. BJ-C is only 22 years old.  That being said, I have no shame in admitting that I still live with my parents while fulfilling my collegiate degree and they still pay for my shit. Meaning, my parents pay my tab at the bar...sometimes, okay...most of the time. I guess they're figuring that paying for my tab will equate to my being a designated driver on the nights I stay at home with my skype boyfriend.  They're right. Weeelll, Tonight is one of those nights!  I came home after an eventful night (with the parental units on my bicycle that does include a bell and basket) to pop on FEARnet.  My mom is a HUGE horror junkie and the sole reason I am the huge geek I am today. I have a confession: I just spent twenty or so minutes proofreading that last paragraph. AAAAANYWAY, my Mom wasn't ready to tackle the SAW franchise because she wanted to see them all at once, so I put on the remake version of one of her favorite films, When A Stranger Calls.  Although Camilla Belle isn't quite the doe eyed teenager as Carol Kane was, her eyebrows more than make up for it. They're distracting, there I said it. Her brows were distracting when she was the little girl that fed her sandwich to dinosaurs in The Lost World, and they're distracting now.

So the one thing I've noticed more than anything, is that Camilla Belle is the WORST babysitter ever. It's been about an hour and she hasn't even checked the kids. I'm sorry, but as a legally registered daycare provider, you can check a God damn room without waking them.  There's a way to check the room without screaming and causing a ruckus, so you should be fired already.  I'm surprised these rich assholes don't have nanny cams hidden in the damn wallpaper lining and are calling every twenty seconds to tell you how their soy-allergen children need you to filter their bottled water. Regardless, this film was made after 2005 so can we just discuss that NO ONE USES A LANDLINE.  If she wasn't suspicious and freaked out by random calls to a landline phone, she's a god damn idiot. These folks are RICH, chances are they have their blue tooths or whatever glued to their heads, NO ONE is going to call their landline.  So her character can't use her cell phone, right? I'm sorry, I understand your cell went over minutes, but that doesn't render it useless.  Chances are, your douchebag friends/boyfriend aren't going to be considerate enough to call the landline of the home you're watching, considering they weren't nice enough to be careful about your minutes in the first place.  I'm really into continuity, but apparently the director was not. Add that to the fact that the police are uncontentious and also totally cool with swearing and we've gotten ourselves a movie. Can I just say how much I love the red squiggly line spellcheck thing? It's seriously saving my ass right now.  Moving on.  If these people are rich enough to have a maid that cleans everything including the kitchen sink, why don't they have a nanny?  CONTINUITY, DO YOU SPEAK IT MOTHERFUCKER?!

So then out of nowhere her ex-bff shows up? Wait. What? They're fighting. Blondie bits played a few rounds of tonsil hockey with Browilla Belle's boy toy and now she shows up to apologize?  Does this screenwriter understand how teenagers work?  These bitches would be passive aggressively talking about each other on facebook, this time it would have been myspace.  The fact that she showed up to make amends and apologize is far less believable than Browilla Belle thinking she doesn't need to check the children.  I have an idea. From now on, filmmakers have to meet with actual teenagers before writing teenage characters.  If this behavior was performed, we wouldn't have Diablo Cody dialogue or When a Stranger Calls behavior.  Sound good? Okay.

That concludes a less than sober review of the remake of When A Stranger Calls. I imagine this would have been far better suited as a vlog. Let me know what you'd prefer in the comments section.

3 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

That was surprisingly coherent. But did your parents really ride on the handle bars and/or spokes of your bike? That's how I read this gem:

'I came home after an eventful night (with the parental units on my bicycle that does include a bell and basket) to pop on FEARnet.'

Unknown said...

Your review was much better than the movie. I wondered what these people were smoking when they decided to remake that film. The modernized version really doesn't work.

Spike Ghost said...

I can read the drunk in that first paragraph. It's pretty glorious. Don't get me wrong, it's coherent, but drunk :P
The rest of the review really doesn't feel like you are drunk. That's how much of a pro you are i guess.

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