Tuesday, June 5, 2012

THE THIRTEEN MOST UNREALISTIC COUPLES IN HORROR MOVIE HISTORY

Dramatization of John & Jen's Honeymoon
After the breaking news of good pal Johnny over at Freddy in Space's upcoming nuptials with his slice of human perfection and longtime girlfriend Jen, Zach Shildwachter and I got caught up in conversation about how great the two of them are and how they're a match made in horror heaven and blah blah mush mush love love blah blah WHATEVER, THEY'RE PERFECT, WE GET IT. I like to believe that there is someone out there for anyone, opposites can attract, and it's totally possible to fall in love with someone you meet on the internet. So let me say before I continue, I'm all for everyone finding love and being happy. Moving on. Anyway, our conversation tripped into horror movie territory and we began to throw ideas around about how some horror films have couples that make a grand total of zero sense. We all love to gush about some of our favorite horror couples (I'm looking at you Shaun & Liz), but we seem to completely look past the absolutely DREADFUL pairings we've seen throughout the years. I've mentioned previously how much I hate seeing families in movies that don't look related, but I think the relationships between these characters need a closer examination. That being said, Zach and I present to you: The 13 Most Unrealistic Couples in Horror Movie History.

NOTE: If you and your significant other resemble any of the couples we make fun of, we're not making fun of you...we're making fun of fictional characters. Please refrain from butthurt comments, this is all in good fun. :)


13) GARY OLDMAN AND WINONA RYDER IN 
DRACULA (1992)
I firmly believe that the only reason this pairing existed is because Winona Ryder was sort of the manic pixie dream girl of dark films in the 1990s and Gary Oldman could play Princess Diana in her biopic and still pull it off.  The reason this pairing fails so horribly is unfortunately the casting of Gary Oldman.  Don't get me wrong, Gary Oldman is an absolutely fantastic actor and one of the most underrated of the modern era, but they managed to make him look horrendous in this film.  Gary Oldman is an acquired taste appearance wise as is, but they made him look like the the pure definition of anti-poon.  If he wasn't resembling the demon with boobs on his head from Little Nicky, he was sporting a broke ass weave and the figure of an Auschwitz prisoner.  Everything about this couple was forced and unbelievable. Then again...Winona Ryder doesn't know how to have a male counterpart, but I'll touch on that later.


12) PETER BERG AND CAMI COOPER IN 
SHOCKER
The picture alone should show how this couple would have never gotten together in real life.  Cami Cooper looks like she stepped out of an H&M ad and Peter Berg is the only man to have ever had an overbite and an underbite at the same time (Zach's line, not mine).  I'm under the impression that Berg didn't grow eyebrows until somewhere around 1998. He's the poor man's Christian Slater and Cami Cooper is the girl who wouldn't have given him the time of day in high school.  He's a putzy football doofus with some serious daddy issues and she's a total sweetheart who even stayed the night to ensure his safety.  To put it simply, she is WAY out of his league.


11) SHARON STONE & MICHAEL IRONSIDE IN 
TOTAL RECALL
I'm pushing it by including this here, but it's a science-fiction film that was touched by Dan O'Bannon, therefore...it fits.  I'm sure you're surprised why I'm doing Michael Ironside instead of The Governator, but the borderline traumatizing kiss shared between these two is enough to make anyone beg for decompression and asphyxiation.  Zach said it best, "there's no way the bad guy from SCANNERS bagged the beaver from Basic Instinct.  THERE JUST ISN'T. God, he looks like he's eating his son's prom date in that picture. Gross.

10) GOLDIE HAWN, BRUCE WILLIS, & MERYL STREEP IN DEATH BECOMES HER
Bruce Willis is one of those lucky men who seem to age like a fine wine.  The older he gets, the sexier he is. However, he was undoubtedly going through an awkward stage in 1992.  Donning a receding hairline, glasses, and a hell of a molestache...this man managed to have Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn fighting over him while they were in their prime.  Um. What?  Hell, the entire film is dedicated to these women attempting to make themselves more attractive in order to woo him over.  The character had money, yes, but...for God's sake. If you have the ability to nab an average looking plastic surgeon, you have the ability to nab a super hot dentist. I don't buy this love triangle for a second. Meryl, you should know better.



09) WILLIAM RAGSDALE AND AMANDA BEARSE IN
FRIGHT NIGHT 
Charley Brewster is the biggest idiot that ever lived.  There, I said it.  A social reject has this utterly adorable queen of bows in his bed, is willing to end make out sessions so he can watch his favorite show, snuggles under the covers ready to hand deliver her unopened lotus flower to him, AND HE WANTS TO SPY ON THE NEIGHBORS.  The fact she even started talking to him after that astounds me. Granted, he got some of her dished out comeuppance, but she went back to the fool.  Even worse, she turned down a life of being boned by Chris Sarandon so she could hang out with a kid who dons a sweater collection even Bill Cosby would be proud of. What was she thinking?


08) NICOLE KIDMAN AND MATTHEW BRODERICK IN
THE STEPFORD WIVES
As much as the underlying message of the film about how men want to secretly turn women into blonde, submissive, sex robots scares the hell out of me, the thought of Ferris Bueller dating anyone but Sloane Peterson haunts my nightmares.  Nicole Kidman's character is immensely hard to like in this film.  She's harshly judgemental, a huge snoop, and emasculates her husband constantly. To believe he really didn't want to turn her into a robot was a bigger shock than the reveal at the end, this couple never made sense to me.  Plus, you'd think a man who constantly felt threatened by his wife would have married someone who wasn't a foot taller than he was.


07) JEFFREY JONES AND CATHERINE O'HARA IN
BEETLEJUICE
A cutthroat contractor hell bent on relaxation ends up with a grotesque artist hell bent on transforming his relaxation sanctuary into a work of modern art and exploiting chaos with the undead?  I'm so sure this is exactly what eHarmony would consider compatible. Growing up, I was always convinced that Mama Deetz and Otho were in some weird non-sexual relationship, but I never bought Charles and Delia as a couple.  I understand the whole "opposites attract" business, but these two never had any couple chemistry.  Don't get me wrong, I love the characters as individuals, but that's exactly how I see them.  I never think of them as a partnership, I always see them as two completely separate entities.


06) MELISSA GEORGE AND RYAN REYNOLDS IN
THE AMITYVILLE HORROR
I normally pride myself in having taste in men unlike the general public, but I'd be lying if I didn't say Ryan Reynolds gets my motor running. Something about a hot man with a sense of humor, sue me.  Regardless, there's no way in hell that a man as sexy as that would ever want to settle down with Melissa George's character who is a bit whiny and comes with three cases of college tuition baggage.  THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE.  The man's abs in this film could probably shred concrete into a soft powder and I'm supposed to believe he's about to marry a whiny woman with eyebrows that don't match her hair? Yeah right. I mean, thanks for trying to make me think that Ryan Reynolds is into girls that don't look like Scarlett Johanson, but you're not fooling anyone.

   05) JACK NICHOLSON AND SHELLEY DUVALL IN
THE SHINING
I love Wendy Torrance. I really, really, REALLY, do...but there is no way in hell that I'm ever going to believe that The Joker would end up with Olive Oyl, especially after him having an alocholic fit and hurting her kid.  Wendy Torrance is a strong woman who although naturally frightened, is a total badass and fantastic mother. The way she defends her son Danny when her husband Jack starts to lose it shows how caring she is, there's no way in hell she would have stayed with him after an abusive attack. Nope. None. No way.

 04) THOM MATTHEWS AND BEVERLY RANDOLPH IN
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
Alright Freddy, where the hell did you find this one?  Your friends all look like they stepped out of a concert for the lovechild of The Clash and The Cure, your letterman's jacket says "Fuck You" on it, and you're dating a girl who won't drop the 'F' bomb and looks like she's getting ready to wait in line for Tiffany tickets? Uh...sure. I'm sure her trust fund daddy really loves the rebellious streak his daughter is on by dating your punk ass and partying with your friends in cemeteries. She may be loyal, but I'm sure that's because she was hoping to make the quarterback of the football team jealous when she took the anti-jock to the prom.


03) TOBIN BELL AND BETSY RUSSELL IN
SAW
 Did someone lock Jill Tuck in a TARDIS in a deleted scene or something because I swear she looks younger and younger in each film.  Whenever John Kramer and his lady Jill argued, I could only imagine a daughter home from school yelling at her old school pop stuck in his ways.  I'm not one to knock age gaps in relationships, but there is a twenty year age gap between the two actors and they make Tobin look so decrepit that it appears to be forty.  The film says in his autopsy that he was 52 at the time of his death, which is like my mom trying to tell everyone she's still 29. Good try.

02) HEATHER LANGENKAMP AND JOHNNY DEPP IN
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Most high school students experience the dreaded awkward stage.  Johnny Depp, however, is not of mere mortal descent.  He's always been a total dreamboat.  One of the main reasons I love Heather Langenkamp so much was because she was pretty, but not to the point where you wonder if she just walked out of New York fashion week the way we do with just about every actress in a horror film these days.  However, let's be realistic here. Johnny Depp wasn't boning the girl in high school with big hair, big brows, and the same facial expression in every shot...so don't try to flatter us into thinking he did.


01) WINONA RYDER AND 
JOHNNY DEPP/ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL
 IN EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
These two are repeat offenders and the director Tim Burton is a two timer on this list as well.  Coincidence? I think not.  Not that it's her fault or anything, but Winona Ryder really doesn't know how to act opposite men.  Add that to the fact that Kim Boggs is one of the most poorly written characters in the history of poorly written characters and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.  She chooses the nerd from The Breakfast Club who beefed out and turned into a huge asshole for a good 3/4 of the film, she BARELY says anything to Edward, she "falls in love" through a glance on a television screen, she didn't do shit to help him when he was in trouble, after convincing the town that he died, she never returned to visit him, and she never told anyone that she and her lame ass boyfriend were the ones who broke into said lame ass boyfriend's house.  He loved her why?!

So there you have it. Thirteen couples that would never exist anywhere outside of movieland.  But in all seriousness, my biggest congratulations to John and Jen, I wish you both the very best and the happiest days ahead. 
<3

8 comment(s):

Pax Romano said...

Great post! And I agree with all...except one...Death Becomes Her.

The reason they were fighting over Willis was that he was a world renowned plastic surgeon and they needed him to keep them young looking (before and after) they died. Oh and yeah, he was rich. ;)

Carol said...

Hilarious post!

I'm glad you mentioned the young couple in Fright Night cause they always bothered me - but I was always equally and simultaneously bothered by the Charlie's girlfriend/Chris Sarandon matchup cause I personally believe that the uber debonaire vampire would in no way be hot to trot for a 16 year old that, to me, looks more like a housewife than a young and nubile hot mama, even if she did resemble his long lost love painting or whatever.

Andre said...

Agreed with Pax. Their fighting over Bruce Willis was more due to the competition between them. Goldie Hawn had him so Meryl HAD to have him. And then Goldie Hawn HAD to steal him back just to prove that she was now hotter.

What a joyous flick, I can't get enough. Is that wrong?

Bleeding Dead said...

"Charley Brewster is the biggest idiot that ever lived"

This is possibly the most true statement ever committed to the internet. The main reason I cannot stand Fright Night..Charley will not have sex with his girlfriend.

I love the list and I agree with most. Especially number one. I've always been resistant to loving Edward Scissorhands and it's because of the Kim character. The love story between the two ruins the film and I'll never like as much as I want too because of it. Again great list.

BJ-C said...

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand the whole thing about the rivalry in Death Becomes Her and I LOVE the film, but in real life...Meryl would have said "Bitch, keep him. I can get whoever I want" That, and choosing to cast a not so sexy Bruce Willis just doesn't compute.

Laci Rich said...

Winona was terrible that in Dracula, Gary was brilliant as always, but I agree he just wasn't sexy. Keanu was also dreadful in Dracula. Bleh to both of them.

Totally agree on all counts!

jeanmacgreen said...

This is your blog and you are entitled to your opinions, but personally, I happen to love Michael Ironside ever since he starred in 'V'. His deep growl of a voice always gave me shivers of the good kind. From what Sharon Stone said about working with him was that he always treated her like a lady and whenever a scene called for her to fall or be knocked down, Mr. Ironside always helped her to her feet, everyone else treated her as 'just one of the guys'. From what I've read about him, nearly everyone he's worked with has nothing but good to say about him.

Steffan Vourdalak von Wolff said...

If you know how to read, take a little time and read Bram Stoker's Dracula novel. You'll find out why Gary Oldman looks that way.

Related Posts with Thumbnails