Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Maybe it's because I've got a hell of a lot of dance training under my belt, but I've never realized just how DREADFUL the opening cheer routine in Buffy The Vampire Slayer is. I get that it's high school, but I was cringing in my seats at the poor unison of the dance and the horrific technique of Kristy Swanson. I know that this is a cult classic, but when made, this film had a pretty decent budget. You'd think they could have spent more than five minutes on some choreography? Maybe? Jesus. Can I just be hired to fix scenes like this in horror films? The exact same thing should be said about Megan Fox trying to spin a flag in Jennifer's Body.  I'm sorry, but if you're going to have a character be a dancer, or a cheerleader, or a flag twirler, or a baton twirler, or an ice skater, or anything else, don't half ass it. It's unrealistic and insulting to those that actually give a rat's ass about performing. If you're going to go balls out to make yourself cry in a scene or believably look terrified of a CGI monster...learn the skills your character would have. Thanks.

I know I mentioned this earlier this week on my review of Season 1 of Holliston, but I think it's a question that deserves repeating.  Can someone explain to me why Laura Ortiz isn't getting more work? Seriously, I really want to know.  She's beautiful, she's got a hell of an unique voice, she's got great range (as seen between Hills Have Eyes compared to Holliston), and her comedic timing is impeccable. I mean that, she makes lines funny that I honestly don't think Adam Green wrote to be nearly as funny as they become.  I just, I don't get it.  Why are horrendous actresses like Amanda Seyfried and Vanessa Hudgens still cranking film after film while Laura Ortiz is being completely brushed over? She's not only talented, but a solid individual who even sat down with John Squires of Freddy in Space for an interview.  Anytime an actress is willing to do an interview for a blog, they immediately skyrocket to a higher level of respect in my book. She deserves the very best, START CASTING HER.

I have a hankering suspicious that Chernobyl Diaries is going to tank at the box office.  While I think the premise is actually pretty unique and the Paranormal Activity name might reel in some people, I have got a horrifying statement to let you all in on.  There's an overwhelming amount of people that have no idea what the Chernobyl Disaster was. I shit you not.  Before the end of the semester I was discussing how I want to see this film simply to see radiation mutated freaks and they had no idea how I knew they'd be radiation mutants.  I stared blankly and asked as non-judgemental as possible, "Do you know what happened at Chernobyl?"  All of them said "No."  ALL OF THEM.  These people are graduating college with legitimate degrees and had absolutely no idea what Chernobyl was, where it happened, or how devastating it was to those around and involved...and I don't know, THE REST OF THE FREAKING WORLD.  The sad part is, it's not just those people.  There's an overwhelming amount of people online asking what Chernobyl is and what happened and if it's a real place. I'm serious. Google it. It'll make your head spin.

The surprisingly solid film Chronicle (penned by the uncontrollably sexy spawn of John Landis, Max) came out on DVD today.  I'm not sure if this is the sort of film that I'm going to add to my DVD collection but I would definitely say that it more than deserves a rental or addition to the Netflix queue.  Max Landis has a strong grasp on character development and generating an original twist on the telekinetic powers that seemed to have been overrun by blood soaked prom queens and the adorable spawn of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman. 

Can we go back to the vampires resembling the ones of the late 80's and early 90's?  Now that Twatlight is almost on its way out, I think that our fanged friends need a re-vamp so to speak.  The vampires of The Lost Boys, Near Dark, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer are a fabulous balance of sex appeal, fear, and edge.  We really need to bring that back.  Late 80's and early 90's may have given us some questionable fashion choices and strange hairstyles, but they made some killer fucking vampires.  *sigh* They just don't make them like they used to.

5 comment(s):

digital_sextant said...

I remember having the same feeling of horror when I discovered that none of my students had ever seen an episode of Columbo. Admittedly, Chernobyl is more significant than Columbo if we put them on a one-to-one comparison, but there's room for both.

On the other hand, XKCD reminds us how fun it is to learn about things.

ps> First time commenting here: keep up the good work. It makes me sad to read that you encounter such friction for writing about horror the way you do. To paraphrase CCC Journalist valedictorian Luke Wilusz: Some people might say you don't fit the right stereotype to write about horror. It goes without saying those people are jackasses.

Real Queen of Horror said...

I agree, Laura Ortiz is an amazing actress! I'm pretty sue she'll be getting more roles...for the sake of mankind anyway!

I'm so glad I found your blog! ^_^ Random but true!

Jenny Krueger said...

To be honest. I didn't know anything about Chernobyl until my dad told me about it after we saw the trailer for the movie.

I have a feeling that it's going to tank too. I'm not looking forward to it since it's from the guys who brought us PA and I didn't like those movies.

Elliot Ibáñez said...

At least we have True Blood and the new Vampyr party on the upcoming season... by the way, is Near Dark out on Blu-Ray? need to check that

Aidy said...

I agree with you about the performance portion of the review: it would be nice to at least have the capability to learn dance training if one is going to be a cheerleader in a film. An experienced flag twirling performance in a film would be great to see as well, as I do love performances involving flags!

The vampires of the 80s and the 90s were so amazing, I miss them very much: they were stylish, sexy, but ever dangerous and fearful. True all-around predators in short.

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