OBVIOUSLY. SPOILER ALERT.
OKAY? GOT IT?
YO, SHE-BITCH...LET'S GO.
STEPHEN KING'S: ITStephen King, the master of horror, has developed characters and stories that have haunted our dreams (as well as realities) for decades. One of his most famous creature features, is the infamous Pennywise the Clown from IT. This character is arguably what triggered the "clown phobia" epidemic that seems to have stricken people everywhere, and he gave children something far worse than possible molestation to fear when it comes to face painted creepy men at birthday parties twisting inflatable phalli. The four hour long mini-series kept audiences compelled and horrified until...he turned into a giant five dollar puppet spider with a kryptonite of an earring in a slingshot and the clown's downfall is the smoke from a rescue inhaler. Yes. The kid with ASTHMA saves the day. Oh, and don't forget. If your wife is catatonic, pedal your bike REALLY fast. She'll come back. Promise.
INVADERS FROM MARSTobe Hooper...you should have known better. This film is such a mess to begin with. Miscast actors, poor performances, lackluster plot points, and a terrible ending almost destroyed Tobe Hooper for me. You'd think that the man behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was more than a one trick pony, but hot damn...this film was a nightmare. I'm just going to spoil the hell out of it. IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Yep. You just sat through a child's fucking dream. You're welcome. I just saved you a few hours of an illegal download (since you schmucks don't pay for your movies anymore).
FRIDAY THE 13TH VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTANI am probably going to have to turn in my fangirl card when I admit that this is one of my favorite sequels. I'm not a huge fan of the hockey clad killer to begin with, but this film just makes me giggle. There are fewer things in this world that bring me greater joy than watching Kane Hodder tear apart the Big Apple. Sue me. However. Comma. The toxic sewer sludge of NYC has the power to turn adult Jason into drowned child Jason? Give me a break. What are you going to tell me next, he goes to space? Yeah right. Oh wait...
THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFTI fully endorse people to remake films that were problematic. It's remaking classics that I have an issue with. Wes Craven may be a household name in the horror world, but I'll be honest when I say that the original Last House On The Left wasn't really that great. I appreciate the film for what it is and what it stands for, but if upon reviews...it's just a little hokey. The music playing for the "bad guys" when they aren't doing bad things sounds like something out of a Three Stooges episode and I never really see the villains as a threat until they're actually killin' and rapin'. I digress. I really, really enjoyed the remake. I found it to be a solid film and the story progressed quite nicely. The last minute though...what the fuck? I mean. what the actual fuck was that? When they start driving off in the boat, TURN THE MOVIE OFF. You'll thank me later.
THE VILLAGEM. Night Shyamalan made his money off of twist endings and desperately tried to milk that cash cow dry with the rest of his films. Too bad he couldn't ever recapture the magic he did with The Sixth Sense. His obsession with Ron Howard's babygirl and his desire to "shock" audiences did nothing more than force audiences to try to figure out the big "twist". Unfortunately for him, they figured them all out...about twenty minutes into the films.
From Dusk Til Dawn