Monday, August 29, 2011

AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE TWI-HARDS.

It was a chilly evening in August when I found myself towel bound and compelled to throw out the trash accumulating in the back of my dorm room. Groggily, I stumbled down the hallway amidst the echoes of one night stands and those paying their respects to the porcelain God. I stood in front of the garbage chute and disposed of the empty Cheez-It boxes and spaghetti-o cans. Suddenly, it was silent. I stretched my body upward as I let out a yawn and out of my peripheral ...I saw it.  It stood calmly and almost appeared to let out an ominous glow from the end of the hallway.  I found myself caught in its grasp and was uncontrollably drawn to it.  "This...this can't be real.  Only out of my darkest nightmares have I been burdened with something this horrific." I thought to myself.  As the fog from my eyes cleared and my mind allowed me to focus on the terror at hand, I saw it.  
Your eyes are not deceiving you.  What stands before you is the door of a twenty two year old twi-hard.  I firmly believe that this is karma biting me in the ass for constantly ridiculing Twatlight fanatics.  My punishment for having a passion for intellectually destroying anyone obsessed with this shitstorm of a franchise is that for the rest of this year, I have a jarring omen to ruin my whole day.


I hate college.

10 comment(s):

Nightbird said...

That is just disgraceful. I'll never get why Twihards are so showy about their love of the books/movies, which aren't even that great in the first place. But what made me laugh was her curly-q name tag. That's almost so silly its criminal.

Rockabore said...

I'll never under stand Twihards overt expression of love for Twilight, book or movie, they are mediocre at best and only good to make fun of. And sometimes not even that since it's ruined vampires to looking silly. Almost as silly as Emily's penmanship being so fittingly curly and girly, it looks like the penmanship of a Twihard.

Marvin the Macabre said...

While I'm not surprised that a 22-year old is obsessed with Twilight (I mean, it's labelled juvie fiction, but we all know it's really marketed to lonely, immature women of all ages), but it blows my mind that she would advertise it so unself-consciously. We've all got our share of guilty pleasures, but at least we have the good sense to feel guilty.

LJ said...

How does she think that someone won't just come along and rip all that shit off her door? And, by 22 years old, if you're decorating your door like that, you need therapy. I outgrew that by the time I graduated high school. I would cringe to dander at the woman behind that door. Puke inducing, glad it's not me that has to pass it every morning.;)

SLAUGHTER FILM said...

LOL@ your misfortune! But, are you sure that you don't mean "Twi-Tards"?

- Cory

Kristine said...

Who would decorate the OUTSIDE of their door without the risk of some opponent or drunkass ripping it all down? Talk about officially advertising your (bad) taste in movies. ;)

Anonymous said...

This is what happens when you liberate women. They write about stupid crap like this.

I can say that because I have one female friend. And she's black!

Crow Jane said...

I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I would have started adding sticky note comments whenever I got the chance.

THE Mac Bry said...

I just found this blog a couple of hours ago, and I'm loving it... but I actually have to admit to liking Twilight. I'm as eclectic w/My movies as I am music... and I can enjoy Twilight just as much as I can enjoy the Nightmare on Elm Street series. I've absolutely loved Krueger since I was a child, and have always taken his wit & cunning over slow, plodding "slashers" like Mike Myers and Jason. But, I like Twilight, though I'm nowhere near "obsessed" with it. My only obsession when it comes to entertainment is likely Weird Al & Enya... the former of which I'm sure some here have heard of, the latter... not so sure. But she is my favorite artist of all time... But my point is, I love your posts, AND the one video blog I watched... despite the fact that it was the latest one, taking a swipe at Twilight fans. The way you approach things, such as with this mock classic horror tale, is the same way I love to parody just about anything. But it's when people take jabs like some of the comments, when things go from intelligently cutting down to size, to just hating for the sake of hating. I love your blog, and I've bookmarked it... but internet comments are something I could do without on just about any site... especially YouTube. :^( Anyway, simply for the fact that you seem like a rather cool person... I hope the Twilighter removes the pictures. Personally, I don't have a problem with them... but they could indeed use proper decorating arrangement. It looks like she just randomly slapped them on with crazy glue. :^P

Take care... and peace. :^)

- $hane
"Why is it that a raVen is like a writing desk?
The truth is... while the raVen has the power to soar...
... the desk give's one's imagination the power to do the same."

Jolie said...

I read the Twatlight series and went to the first movie with girlfriend, and we mercilessly mocked it (loudly) for the duration of the film.
The whole trio of main characters are pathetic (not just the bad acting) but SERIOUSLY Bella is the WORST role model for young women EVER. My sister is a social worker liason in a rural county and she is horrified by what Bella stands for for some of her young clients.
Plus, the writing is terrible in the books. If you want a romantic teenage role model, read Bloody Jack, by L A MEYER. You have to pass right by it on the bookshelf to get to Twatlight series and it's not LAME!

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