Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Alright Edward, it's time to nut up or shut up.
I'm a few years late to the party on this one (what else is new?) but my blind fury cannot be contained when it comes to this discussion.  After the success of Twatlight, Platinum Dunes (the company responsible for nearly every horrible horror remake) thought it would be a great idea to ride the wave and remake Kathryn Bigelow's slice of perfection, Near Dark.  First of all, Near Dark is quite possibly one of the most bad ass vampire films of all time, OF ALL TIME, so remaking it would be a huge slap in the face the only woman to score an Oscar for Best Director. Not to mention, it was made LONG before Stephenie Meyer ever set on her crusade to destroy the vampire mythos and push back feminism, so if anything, TWATLIGHT is too much like Near Dark.  For fear of sounding redundant, let's not even talk about the whole 'remake' nonsense.  The horror genre is obsessed with remakes blah blah blah, we get it.  The matter it hand is that the reason they're pulling the plug on the remake isn't because someone finally wised up and thought "Hmm...this movie is pretty fantastic, let's not get our grubby paws in it and leave it as it" but rather "Hmm...this is liek totes mcgotes like Twilight and like, Bella and Edward are the true vampire/human love story and liek, people totally won't want to see this".  Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, are you serious?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Basically, he's the horror equivalent to Michael Bay
What I'm posting is a direct quote from producer Brad Fuller, and I janked it off of THIS website.  "I think that Twilight was the same type of thingWere going for although ‘Near Dark’ was a much darker, sexier, rated R version of that. But I'm concerned that, conceptually, that ‘Near Dark’ and Twilight are too similar in terms of a vampire movie.  For now, that movie is on hold...with the success of that film [Twilight], it would not measure up. It’s not the right time to make that".  What mighty words coming from the man who helped bring travesties like the The Unborn, The Hitcher, and let us not forget the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th remakes.  As far as I'm concerned, this man has absolutely no leg to stand on when it comes to the success of a remake.  Then again, this bastard measures success by decimals and dollars rather than providing art that is not only aesthetically pleasing to the fans, but also retains the heart of the original work.  Lest us not forget that Twatlight and Near Dark are two entirely different entities. The teen vampire love story follows a girl who abandons everything about her life in order to be with a vampire who stalks her at night and who's family is super nice to her unless she bleeds all the while still going to school, being a bratty teenager to her loving father, and cheating on him with a shape-shifting, homoerotic, Native American wolf-man.  Near Dark is a vampire/western about a guy who falls in love with a girl who turns out to be from a vampire family that he only discovers after another family member previously attacked him and turned him into a vampire that travels the highways in stolen cars from people they brutally massacre and who randomly breaks into places and kills everyone witness in order to feed.  I'm sorry, but what?!  The only thing they have in common is that someone outside the vampire clan falls in love with someone in a vampire clan.  As far as Twatlight is concerned, I'm using the word "love" very lightly. 

Now, this whole hoopla went down in 2008 and Platinum Dunes has put out an asinine amount of terrible films since then.  I just don't understand what is going through the minds of people like Brad Fuller anymore.  It makes me sad all day.  At least we can rest easy knowing that if Twatlight did anything was saving the Near Dark remake.

8 comment(s):

Mister Bones said...

I think they settled on that atrocious "Twatlight-inspired" cover art on the Near Dark bluray. Wonder how many tweens they fooled with that clever gimmick?

Girl on Gore said...

Wow! Totally insulting to everyone involved with Near Dark! Twilight= dog shit.

Marvin the Macabre said...

This makes perfect sense to me. Just think about what they would have to done to Near Dark. They would have cast hot teen stars, toned down the violence to get a PG-13 ($$) rating, and systematically ruined everything that was good about the original. The final product may very well have ended up a Twilight clone.

Will said...

The Good: bullet dodged

The Bad: That I am aware of this man

Unknown said...

I have nothing useful to add, only that he looks like an absolute douchebag.
Have you heard about the "Lords of Chaos" movie that is rumored to be made starring one of those Twatlight hearthrobs as Varg Vikernes, of all people? If it actually does get made it's likely that every black metal performer out there will burst into flames. What a nightmare!
I'm willing to believe that this is End Times--at least as far as good mainstream horror is concerned. Fucking awful!

Unknown said...

Sad thing is; I only heard about Near Dark from this blog... Looks like I got another movie to watch :D

Oh BTW, in the "Creepy Smiles" entry you posted awhile ago, I actually recognized the Near Dark picture because it looked like a panel from the "Preacher" comic book with a Vampire character "Cassidy"

Which makes me think the artist Steve Dillion was a fan of this movie. :D

Douglas Gallagher said...

I never heard of Near Dark until I read your blog and today I went to walmart and to my surprise they had the bluray for only $6. I can't wait to watch it.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy they arent remaking Near Dark. It is one of my favorite movies. I'd rather they don't touch it.

Related Posts with Thumbnails