Saturday, January 22, 2011

SYFY: THE WORST CHANNEL YOU KEEP WATCHING

I swore to myself that when the Sci-Fi channel changed their name to the "hipper" SyFy, I was boycotting the entire channel and refusing to watch anything they put on the air.  As the seasons turned and their marketing began to overpower my commercial viewings...I couldn't handle my potentially two week sobriety and I caved in.  I was seduced by the siren song of a SyFy original movie and there was no escaping her tempting grasp.  I'll admit it, around Halloween the ONLY two channels I watched were SyFy and [AMC] (except for when ABCfamily was showing Hocus, Pocus...girl's gotta have priorities).  Even though SyFy is notorious for showing some of the worst horror movies ever made and editing the classics to the point of almost destroying them.  This post isn't about bashing on SyFy or anything of the sort, it's more so a rhetorical post.  ...if that makes even the slightest sense.  SyFy is a bit of an enigma, so to speak.  The strange thing is that everyone who watches SyFy is fully aware of how God-awful it can be at times, and yet we can't look away. Maybe CAPRICA, Dr. Who, and Battlestar Galactica can reel in teh ubernerdz, but what about the rest of the world?  A television station can't possibly run solely on a few decent series.  My theory?  SyFy has made it their goal to create the most ridiculous movies known to man, specifically because they know we're going to watch them.

I'll admit it, I've left on WAY more SyFy movies simply to see how dreadfully vomit-worthy their latest CGI monster was going to be.  Is this something I'm ashamed of? No.  Is this something I'm proud of?  Not a chance. I'd rather not tip-toe around it...SyFy Original Movies are some of the most poorly crafted pieces of muff cabage I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through.  The acting is one hundred times worse than Nicholas Cage in Knowing, the story lines are one BILLION times worse than the Nicholas Cage version of The Wicker Man, but the monsters are adored and lovingly accepted just as much as Nicholas Cage.  HOW DOES THAT WORK!?  If someone told me there was a station playing movies that contained a shark with the ability to take down an airplane or a film that starred a giant crocodile with a penchant for teenagers, I'd tell them to eat my box and stop pawning "ironically entertaining" monster movies at me.  The strange thing, THESE MOVIES EXIST!  My God, half the time I think the SyFy Original Movie committee sit around a board room with creatures written on little pieces of paper and thrown in a hat or by shooting darts at a labeled board.  There is no possible explanation for half of the nonsense this station has compiled and put on the air.

And that's another thing.  HOW DOES THIS SHIT GET GREEN-LIT!?  I seriously think a six year old could bring an idea to the table and probably have just as good of a chance to get their film made as the people working for SyFy.  Every once in a while we're blessed with half-way decent films, but for every Dog Soldiers, there's at least twenty Dinocroc vs. Supergator.  The other strange trend I've been noticing is the overabundance of casting washed up 80's icons that might not necessarily have been meant for the movies to begin with.  I love me some Debbie (excuse me, Deborah) Gibson as much as the next person...but I will never believe for the life of me that, that woman is a scientist of ancient sea-beasts.

In all honesty, I think the only reason people claim to "like" these films is because half of humanity is under the "hipster spell".  Meaning: "the uncooler you are, the cooler you are".  We only like these movies because it's the complete opposite of what we should be doing.  We should be ragging on these films and boycotting the stations but instead we promote them and spontaneously purchase the buggers when they go on sale at Wal-Mart in the five dollar bin.
  

I will say that I'm more than excited for the premiere of their new reality show, Face Off.  I'm a sucker for all things TV competition based, and to pair that with special effects makeup...you've got me.  The show will center around the idea "Who is the Next Great SFX Artist?"  The show will premiere Wednesday January 26th, 2011 at 10/9c.  For all of you fans of the god-awful films, have no fear!  Mega Python vs. Gatoroid will premiere on January 29th at 9/8c.  

8 comment(s):

Spike Ghost said...

You should totally send this to Syfy. Seriously, i don't have the Syfy Channel where i live, but we're still cursed with their original movies on Ztélé (because i guess the rights are less expensive than real movies[i will not consider these pieces of garbage being real movies]) The only one that can be considered mildly watchable movie is the "Carrie" remake, and that's only because of Angela Bettis and Patricia Clarkson. They need to make at least a good movie once in a while, horror and Science fiction can be done extremely well with a small budget, why do they have to butcher every hopes we have and destroy our brains?
I want to see that SFX competition though, that looks cool.

Brittany said...

I kid you not, my Mawmaw and Pawpaw stay home on Saturday nights to watch movies on Syfy. They'll call me up and ask me if a "Sharktapus" is real. When I disappoint them and say no, they ask if the "moviepeople" "invented one on a computer" for the movie.
Bless their hearts, I love them!

Lady Ash said...

I stopped watching SyFy years ago when they started playing those god awful "original movies." My blood boiled when they stopped airing their annual Twilight Zone marathon on the 4th of July.

However I will give the station credit for airing Tales From the Darkside in October.

SyFy is dead to me however their glory days will never be forgotten. After all, it was that station that introduced me to one of the greatest horror masterpieces of all time; Suspiria.

Fefe said...

I get a kick out of reading your blog! I can either relate or I just find what you say, hilarious! I love it! Keep em' coming!

Sir Jorge said...

i live in a place where there's no free tv and the pay tv is $70 for the cheapest plan, so i am glad i get no current television, but i have been fooled into watching some of the original movies via netflix and boy they get worse and worse, but i can't stop watching, it's like watching a car crash...i just can't look away

Mister Bones said...

Looking forward to Face Off for some reason too, even though I despise reality television. I love effects though.

Appreciate the heads up on Mega Python vs Gatoroid, but when is Sharktobear gonna be on?!

Rabid Fox said...

For as much as I will piss and moan about the state of Canadian television, there are times when I look at American television and believe it could be worse--and then MTV Canada comes along.

I've seen a few SyFy movies and have been comically befuddled at just how god-awful they are. Despite the presence of Bruce Campbell and Renee O'Connor, Alien Apocalypse was horrendous (and I'd later learn a SyFy product). I love a good monster movie, but it seems clear that I won't find any on SyFy.

Anonymous said...

Giantesses would get them back their audience. Giant irradiated 50 foot babes going after their cheating action figure-sized husbands and boyfriends.

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