Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I'm just going to assume that the 46 of you who entered this contest have been DYING to find out who is winning The Commune DVD thanks to the filmmaker herself, Elisabeth Fies. Well believe you me, I have selected a winner! If you would like to know how I chose so you know it wasn't all rigged and junk (*cough* to all the whiny sore losers *cough*), I shall tell you now. I wrote out ALL 46 of your names on a piece of paper and cut them into equally sized paper squares. I then threw them all in the fan in my room. I turned on the fan and watched all the little paper bits fly around my room. Whichever paper bit floated closest to my official commune peace sign necklace, won. Seriously, that's how I did it. It may or may not have been an accident, and I may or may not have tripped and they floated once I fell, and I maaaay or may not have a sweet bruise on my forearm to prove it...but that's how I chose the winner. I was going to pull it out of a hat, but my little accident made the selection much more fun. Well, I'll quit babbling and let you know who won.
AND THE WINNER IS....
AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL!
alright, sorry for jacking around. The winner is...
As horror fans, we have the underlining annoyance of sparkly vampires lingering over our heads. There seems to be a overly obsessive fad of characters mocking the very genre we spend a lifetime loving. It’s next to impossible to rock a fanged t-shirt without being bombarded by teenage girls asking where we got it. It’s absolutely disgusting, but it is the way of the new millennium I suppose. I do a whole lot of Twilight bashing. I’ve eloquently nicknamed the saga “Twatlight” to describe both the characters and the fans. I was recently given the challenge of fixing Twilight. I know, I know, it sounds absolutely preposterous and impossible…but I think I can do it. If the entire world is going to be obsessed with vampires, damn it, they should be vampires that horror fans can obsess over as well.
FIRST: The vampire mythology needs to be restored, ASAFP. I understand that having a vampire boyfriend would put a serious damper on your ability to see him at school, but the glitter bullshit has got to go. One of the most mysterious and sexy attributes to a vampire is his inability to be in direct sunlight. The only men I know who wear glitter are professional dancers, and drag queens. Unless I’m at a Rocky Horror Picture Show outing, I would rather be the one to sparkle. He can still be the “perfect faced” pretty boy he is now, because in all honesty…vampires are sexy as hell. However, the idea of a vampire being able to survive off of animal blood is absolutely ridiculous. If any other vampire films or stories have taught us anything, it’s that vampires who eat animals are pussies. Every monster has a form of conflict, and the decision to kill innocent bystanders in order to feed is the inner conflict of vampires. If you take away the conflict, their so called “problem” is about the equivalent of being lactose intolerant.
WHY IT FIXES IT: With the mythology restored, it would create an extremely interesting storyline. A girl would be falling in love with someone who could actually kill them and must be a secret relationship in fear that he’ll burst into flames. Classmates would be mysteriously disappearing left and right causing the conflict of whether or not to tell on the one she truly loves in order to save the innocent lives of her friends.
SECOND: The female lead is one of the most obnoxious characters in existence. When these fangirls obsess over the film, they never mention Bella. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S AN IDIOT. All of these girls want to be Bella, and she’s an absolutely terrible role model. I’m not saying you should make her good at everything, but at least make her somewhat admirable. She’s a whiny, boring, dependent, idiotic, brat. How in God’s name she has all of these guys vying for her affection completely baffles me. At least make her a singer, a poet, an artist, a blogger, SOMETHING that people can find impressive and translatable without being cliche. She needs to be a woman that girls should aspire to be. Bella is EXTREMELY dependent on Edward or Jacob and makes absolutely terrible life choices when she’s without one of them. She needs to be a bit more independent and strong.
WHY IT FIXES IT: It takes a huge chunk of the annoyance factor out of the story. Bella’s character alone makes me want nothing to do with the series. She offers absolutely nothing positive to the female’s role in society and always looks constipated. It would give a positive role model to the obsessed fans, and a character horror fans could accept.
THIRD: The Wolf pack needs to be more animalistic. I just don’t buy it. These boys look less like wolves and more like collies. I recall the scene from New Moon when they all pass by Bella and leave her alone. When have you EVER seen a wolf just leave someone alone? I believe there should be at least some sort of struggle to keep human nature in tact when they’re in their animal form. I understand that they have human qualities, but their shape-shifting powers seem less like powers and more like inconveniences. Oh crap, now I’m that hairy dog again. Let me go brood in the corner about the fur covering my washboard abs…They feel less threatening and more like some dumb punks who just fuck around with their shirts off. There are even hints of violent tendencies of the wolves, but you never see it. The wolves could be pushed so much farther than they are. I’ll even let you keep the shirtless frolicking if you give them some anger. When it comes down to it, Jacob should me so much more manipulative and scary. He’s too goody-goody for his own good.
WHY IT FIXES IT: Adding the danger and intensity of the wolf pack makes the Team Edward/Team Jacob conflict all the more severe. I’ve never once thought that Edward was in any way going to lose Bella unless he gave her up himself. It was always VERY predictable as to who was going to win her heart. If the wolf pack becomes the vicious creatures they should be, it actually strikes fear that Bella could very well lose her love in a creatures of the night battle royale.
FOURTH: The so-called love story needs to follow its own rules. The main conflict between Edward and Bella is that he’s a fucking vampire. Yet, for being a 108 year old virgin…he has remarkable restraint. I’m not just saying in the bedroom, but in the bloodstream as well. All of Edward’s supposedly “romantic” actions, are downright creepy. He watches her as she sleeps, he doesn’t kill her, and he tells her what to do. Right now, what you see is Edward as the controlling, possibly abusive man, and Bella as the weak woman who will do whatever he says. Relationships like this are the reason colleges put hotline numbers in the bathroom stalls. Edward has a problem. He drinks blood, he wants hers, but he is in love with her. The struggle with this needs to be amplified way more than it is. Like he says, almost like a drug addict. Since Bella loves him back, she wants to be the support system there for him, and much like a drug addict, some days need to be better than others. He needs to work his way through it and have possible relapses. Edward’s family have had fall outs where they’ve wanted to eat her, but Edward barely does. On the couple of occasions he’s slightly given in, she’s been unharmed and still remained hopelessly devoted to him. She needs to keep space at times and let him battle his own demons. It keeps the loving relationship in tact, but makes it much more believable.
WHY IT FIXES IT: Everyone wins. These obsessed fangirls can continue to obsess over the “love story of the century” and the rest of the world doesn’t want to stab things with a knife. The most frustrating thing about the so-called chemistry is its lack of convincability. Stephanie Meyer had a great idea for a love story, and kind of lost it all in the process. If the tortured love story is what these kids want, then the tortured love story is what they should get. If the love story was truly genuine, people outside of the Twi-Hard world won’t be nearly as annoyed.
READ THE REST OF HOW TO FIX TWILIGHT OVER AT
Friday, June 25, 2010
1) BJ-C's VERY first post on DotW. It's a jab at the VH1 "Reality Show" Scream Queens, and how it sucks long duck dong.
2) The First WotW: PJ Soles. Anyone who knows me, knows I have quite the hankering for the red hat wearing, telephone wire choking, rock and roll high schooler. PJ is one of my favorite women of all time, and I had to make her the first Woman of the Week.
3) The Top Zombie Women. This article to date is still my most widely accessed page. It draws in more hits than anything else on DotW, and it's the list I am most proud of.
4) Bitch Of The Month: Chris Hargensen. The first feature voted on by the readers of DotW, was Bitch of the Month. My favorite article as well as my first in the series is this one.
5) The Paradox of The Female Horror Fan: If it wasn't for B-Sol of The Vault of Horror, there's a good chance you wouldn't be reading me right now. He helped me put my name on the map and occasionally contributes a guest post for the site. This one is by far my favorite and I think the most under-appreciated.
6) Officially the Queen of Twatlight: This one is a little self-explanatory :) The best part is the Twi-Hards in the comment section.
7) Twatlight, Mullets, and Megan Fox: One of my more critically acclaimed vlogs, this one is the one that spawned my email requests for topless vlogs.
8) TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: Mirrors One of the worst poster campaigns in the past decade fell delightfully into my lap one Tuesday morning...and I just HAD to rip on it.
9) BJ-C Interviews Amber Steele: That's right folks. I had the opportunity of a lifetime to interview the Queen of the Zombies herself, Amber Steele.
10) WOMANIZER!!! I get a lot of questions from my newer readers as to why I refer to everyone as a Womanizer, well...here's why!
11) An Afternoon In A Monster House: My cousin JD is my absolute most favorite person in the world. He may be pint sized and unable to be in a car without a booster chair, but watching movies with him is a past time I will forever cherish.
12) Things I Hate About Halloween Part 1 & Part 2: I've been known to go on quite the rant when I'm irritated about something. This is one of those occasions.
13) 30 Things You Might Not Have Known About The Shining: It took me almost 4 hours to compile something in celebration for the masterpiece's 30th anniversary, but I got it.
14) Why I Hate Hellraiser: Everyone has something that they just don't like when it comes to the genre. My personal vendetta is against Hellraiser.
15) Ode To Bathroom Scenes: Back when DotW was female empowerment all day, everyday, I created a tribute to the one horror movie cliche in which women rule the roost. NOTE: This was before I learned how to properly upload photos, so some are missing :\
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Again, I'm not one to tell fans what they can and cannot do. I think Twilight is complete and utter shit in pretty much every single way. I think the fans are ridiculous for thinking that a) that shit is romantic in any way, b) the actors have any sort of chemistry whatsoever, and c) that a relationship that features a guy who watches you sleep could work out in any way. But they're fans regardless, and as such they're just as welcome to camp out for their shitty little movie as the rest of us. But come on, camping out to see the actors? That's a little much. I'm not saying that you can't go and see them when they're walking the red carpet, go right on ahead and don't forget your scissors so you can grab a bit of Rob's hair. But don't set up a fucking tent city for it! Honestly! And I say that because in the end it's likely that it won't end up being worth it. There's so many people there, you just might get a look at Taylor's spiked up hair, or one of Kristen's bland, emotionless stares. But you won't get to touch them, you won't get to talk to them, you probably won't even get an autograph.
If anybody reading this blog is out there right now, a bit of advice: Pack it in and go home. Seriously. It won't amount to anything, and your family will be less embarrassed of you.
Billy's House of Rambling
Friday, June 18, 2010
Were you always a horror fanatic or did you marry into it?
I had been exposed to horror during high school with Nightmare on Elm Street and Sleepaway Camp. But I was never a big fan it just wasn't something I got to see very much. My parents didn't allow me to go to rated R movies till I turned old enough and I hadn't really taken to heart the phrase "rules were made to be broken" till later in life. So my friends and I wound up mostly going to see comedy flicks.
Horror became more prevalent in my life when I met my husband. It's his passion and in any good relationship I think you can gain and learn something when you take interest in the things your partner enjoys. I figure if he can sit though tearjerker movies like The Notebook then I can sit through Shockwaves. Which I did and I liked it. I always joke that we both brought something new to our relationship - I brought Chinese food and he brought horror movies, and we've never been happier
What is your favorite horror sub genre?
That's what's so great about horror - you have options. And there really is something for everyone, I have always been a fan of comedy and some of my favorite horror movies reflect that - Dead and Breakfast, Shaun of the Dead, and Fido. But it's nice to be able to mix it up and watch something with some suspense in it, action or even drama whatever my mood is. The possibilities are somewhat endless which I think makes the genre so fun and fascinating.
What is your favorite part about the horror society events?
I love to throw a party! It's always great to get the horror community gathered in one place to watch movies that can't be seen anywhere else and meet new people that have the same interests. Also the festivals really give us a chance to help out independent filmmakers which is what the website is about. We don't just talk about these films, we actually try and do something to support them and get them out to the fans.
What is the hardest part about running horror society events?
It's a lot of work - there are so many aspects that need to be accounted for in order to have the events be successful. But I wouldn't be involved if I didn't enjoy it. It may be hard or frustrating at times but when people tell us how much they enjoy the festivals or they are looking forward to the next event - that puts a big smile on my face.
Name drop time! Who are some of your favorite people you've met?
The coolest people are those that don't set themselves above the fans and are willing to mix and mingle with everyone at conventions, festivals, even online. I've hula hooped with Jason Lively from Night of the Creeps, interrupted Linnea Quigley on her cell phone, facebook messaged with Debbie Rochon, chatted Marketing with Herschell Gordon Lewis on a shuttle bus and consider Larry "The Soup Nazi" Thomas to be one of my friends. But honestly they are all just regular people with different jobs.
Do you feel pressure to look/act/be a certain way being a woman of horror?
Of course as a woman alone I do, but I think even more so in the horror community. It sometimes seems like there are expectations or stereotypes. You have to be goth, wear only black, be dark and evil and of course have your tits out - right?! That's just not who I am or ever will be. I'm not going to be a poser or pretend to be something that I am not. I happen to be a woman who likes horror as well as other things. I think it's enough to just be who I am - I wish more people were comfortable or secure enough to feel that way.
What makes Chicago the best place for horror?
I have never been to LA or New York so I can't say that Chicago is the best - I think horror can work everywhere. Every major city is full of different people from different backgrounds with a variety of likes and dislikes. I think it creates a definite desire to learn and try new things based on the people and experiences we come across on a daily basis. I do think the Midwest breeds some great indie work because there aren't studios, big names, or budgets like there are on the east and west coasts. It's great to see people be creative and work with what they have and still come out with a really great film.
What I considered crazy a few years ago seems pretty normal to me now. I had no idea that I would become so involved in this community but I am loving it. I have had the opportunity to meet a bunch of wonderful people and do some really fun stuff - film festivals, conventions, zombie walks and more. I think one moment that stands out is when I entered a zombie costume contest at the Oshkosh, WI Zombie Walk. I was part of a trio - The Butcher, The Baker and Candlestick Maker. I had the chance to be creative, have fun with 2 of my favorite people and won first place. But the calendar is always full and it's great to know there is another adventure just around the corner. Next up is Zombie Disco 2 - I'm really good at zombie twister!
What horror women inspire you?
Those who have a passion for horror and are finding ways to share it with others using their knowledge, skills, and more. There really are so many women out there doing this and it's helping our community grow. Here are just a few of them:
If you had to give one message to other women of horror, what would it be?
Horror is not just a boy's club anymore. Get involved whether your an actress, blogger, or film fan because being part of the community makes it so much more fun. And don't worry if you don't fit the typical horror mold you can still be involved in the genre even if you twirl a baton like Brittney or bake cupcakes like me.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
As for the step forward, the past few months have brought some wonderful things to us. Although given mixed reviews, Splice hit theatres and gave a halfway decent attempt at horror after the flopping disasters of horror remakes. Recent releases of films like [REC]2 and the teasers for Super 8 have been putting the horror community in a positive uproar, but then...the unthinkable.
THE TWATLIGHT PRODUCER WANTS TO REMAKE MARTYRS WITH KRISTEN FUCKING STEWART!!! Yeah, just let that sink in for a second. One of the greatest horror movies of the past decade is not only going to be Americanized, but they want the people in charge of the sparkling fucking vampires to do it. The only redeeming factor of this is that I'd get to watch Kristen Stewart get ripped to shreds. That's about it. There is absolutely NOTHING positive to come of this and it makes me absolutely nauseated to even picture the woman who perfected the face of constipation as a female lead in this remake.
To make matters even worse, they want Miley Cyrus to star in a horror film. Does anyone remember the last time they put a Disney tween in a horror film? Oh yeah, it was I Know Who Killed Me with Linsanity LOLhan and it was by far one of the worst films of the last 100 years.
Why in God's name would anyone think the girl who rocked a fake blonde wig and sings about Jay-Z without knowing a single song by Jay-Z could pull off a horror role? Her screams would be muffled by her horse teeth and the damn southern accent would sound absolutely idiotic when pleading for her life.
I don't get the world sometimes. Why can't they screw up some other genre that no one cares about...like...Dramedy.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
In case you're new to DotW, BJ-C here has a bit of an unhealthy obsession with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Some may argue that RHPS has no place on a horror blog as it is "technically" not a horror film, but all I have to say is "my blog, my rules". Rocky Horror has been an absolutely pivotal part of my existence. The past two years I have been grateful enough to be associated with one of the greatest men I've ever known. We met through a teacher when she transferred to his school and we became fast friends. It wasn't until we both discovered our mutual love of RHPS that we became as close as we were. I had always attended shows in Chicago, but my "Eddie" exposed me to something I would fall in love with...Milwaukee.
The first time I laid eyes on the Oriental Theatre, it felt like Doc Brown himself picked me up in a DeLorean and dropped me off in a time where cinema was at its prime. I walked to the corner of North & Farwell and stared in awe. We walked past diners enclosed in glass and flaunted our costumes to midnight coffee dates gasping over cigarettes. Cars honked as we passed by in sequins, and for a moment, I realized that everyone on the street was staring at me. Despite all of this, I held my chin high and strutted to the theatre. The line stretched down the block and wrapped around the busy street corner. Drunken bar hoppers and bros upon the plenty gave us awkward stares, but the "freaks" clearly outnumbered the "normal". The atmosphere was something indescribable and I had an overwhelming sensation of acceptance...just from standing in line. There were men dressed like women, women dressed like they lived in a brother, and everyone loved everyone. While the average person would have felt extremely awkward, and rightfully so, I felt like I was at home.
When we finally walked into the theatre, my head started spinning. The tapestries were beautiful, the pillars were elegant, the concession stand was classic, and the ceilings resembled the theatres my grandfather used to tell me about. It was then that I heard the shrieking call of a Transylvanian. "ROCKY HORROR SURVIVAL KITS! DON'T BE A CHICKEN SHIT, BUY OUR SHIT!" Suddenly, a hoard of people coated in sparkle, powder, and fishnets approached Zack and I. "Fucking great costumes. Thanks for coming out tonight, guys!". Janet Weiss examined our costumes in delight, and left with a smile. The ticket takers signaled us to the theatre and we walked into a screaming fest of homos, heteros, and everything in between. The show began with a set of rules, the virgin games, some photography, and perverse jokes a plenty. Yet no matter how vulgar, how rude, how controversial anything was...the entire crowd and cast still felt like one. The cast is absolutely brilliant at what they do, and they captivate an audience just as well as Tim Curry and the clan. If they're not running around the theatre acting out the show, they're sitting front row screaming call-outs with the rest of us. They laugh with us, they play with us, and they truly show a passion for what they do. If you remotely have any interest in Rocky Horror at all, whatsoever, I highly suggest you make a trip to Milwaukee to see the cast of Sensual Daydreams. From the outside looking in, it's something you can't understand. From the inside looking out, it's impossible to explain. This show isn't something you can understand, only experience. The cast of Sensual Daydreams may in fact be the greatest RHPS performing cast in the midwest, if not the country, and it's a show you cannot afford to miss. If you live the life of an unconventional conventionist and need a place to truly feel at home, do yourself a favor and come up to the lab...and see what's on the slab.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
(today's post is brought to you about BJ-C's other half, since she's too busy to write a post of her own)
Hello, my name is Billy. Some of you may know me a bit better as BJ-C's zombie boyfriend. As a child I was orphaned, and was raised on a moisture farm by my aunt and uncle. Okay, that last part is a lie. I make movies, or at least I attempt to. When I’m not making movies I’m watching movies, or writing about movies, or reading a book…about movies. Needless to say, I’m a big fan of movies.
This may come as a shock to any of you, but I’m a big fan of horror. One of my favorite sub-genres of horror would be that of the ghost story. I’m a bit of a ghost nut, so I eat these stories up with a spoon. So I’ve decided that today I’ll be bringing you all a list of my 10 favorite ghostly tales. A couple things first though: 1) I’m very much a student of new-school film. I mean no disrespect against the films of yesteryear; I have a couple on here. It’s just what I’ve been around. 2) It should be clear who my favorite filmmaker is once you clear the top 5. If you guess who it is, I’ll give you a candy! 3) With all that out of the way, let’s get started:
10) HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL
Vincent Price. Do I even need to explain this any further? It’s a bit of a B-movie, sure. But it really is quite the gem. It does a great job of balancing jump scares (look out! An old woman on a skateboard!) with atmosphere. It keeps you on the edge of your seat with the aura of mystery that surrounds it all. And as if the movie isn’t proof enough that William Castle knew how to scare an audience, just talk to someone who was around when the movie came out. Have them tell you about how they shit their pants when the fake skeleton flew over their head.
This movie is actually a recent addition, and is all about the execution. This is probably one of the best-done ghosts I’ve ever seen. It makes noise, it opens doors, you see shadows, you hear footsteps, but it isn’t constantly popping out from behind a corner screaming, “BOO!” And it reveals itself gradually; the back-story isn’t even known when everything gets started. But that is exactly what you want to do with a movie like this. But once everything starts coming out, things seem to get more and more sinister. Just writing about it makes me want to watch it again.
08) THE SIXTH SENSE
Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that there was a time where M. Night Shyamalan was actually good at what he did. But there was, and this film remains as a reminder of what once was. This film was not a bright and shiny walk through a field of petunias. We knew that these people were dead, we knew that it was not a pleasant experience when they died, and we knew that they had no idea they were dead. And on top of that, little Haley Joel Osment wanted nothing more than for them to go away. And even more on top of that, the man who was trying to help him turned out to be a ghost all along (spoiler alert)! It’s a very tragic movie, but as it moves along more and more is revealed, and to this day when I watch it, I still try and look out for little clues here and there. Seriously, what happened to him? So much promise and he threw it all away.
07) THE HAUNTING
This movie is sooooo good. Catherine Zeta-Jones is hawt, and Owen Wilson is TOO FUNNY! Now that you’re busy planning my slow and painful death, I would like to inform you that I was kidding. My first experience with The Haunting did come from the remake, though. A few years later I saw the original, and totally realized just how much of an abomination the remake was. I think the true beauty of The Haunting comes from it being left open for interpretation. Were there ghosts? Or was it all just a manifestation of paranoia? Of course, moviegoers don’t like to see things like that, so a showdown with one of those big CGI fuckers at the end was used instead. Man, I really hate that movie…
I had to put it on here. What kind of a list would this be if I didn’t? It is the standard by which all ghostly comedies are judged (nice try, Ghost Dad). Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and Harold Ramis running around with unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs? An evil dog living in a refrigerator? Mr. Stay Puft? Sign me right the hell up! The one thing I’ve always found fascinating about it though is how the ghosts look. Apparently when I die I’m going to turn into a cartoon character. Not that I mind, it seemed like they were having a hell of a time. Just a little odd is all.
This one is just a total classic. How could anyone NOT love this movie? I saw it when I was a bit younger (as I’m sure everyone my age did), and I thought it was creepy then. I’m 21 now, and I’d say it actually still holds up pretty well in that department. I don’t consider it a terrifying movie, but there are moments genuine creepiness sprinkled throughout. I think what gets me about it is how child-like it all feels. It makes me feel like a kid again when I watch it, and I love that. But at the same time, it’s sort of unsettling. I mean, a guy peels his face off, a little girl gets sucked into the spirit world, a little boy gets attacked by a clown/ almost devoured by a tree, and Zelda Rubenstein was just off-putting in general. Of course this is excluding the scene where the corpses pop out of the pool. The whole movie is built of the stuff nightmares are made of. But it has an innocence to it that just scares the shit out of me.
04) THE ORPHANAGE
Guillermo Del Toro didn’t direct this one, but he sure as shit produced it, and I’ve now decided that putting his name on a project in any way, shape, or form automatically means that it’s going to be phenomenal. It wasn’t what I was expecting it to be, but that didn’t disappoint me at all. It really isn’t a terrifying movie, though there are moments (the ghost are all children. Scary. One of them wears a sack on their head. FUCKING SCARY). But a lot of what I said about The Devil’s Backbone can be said about this film. You could tell that Del Toro’s involvement wasn’t a name-only deal because of how the unknown was treated. He adds such a beauty to these things that would normally scare us. It’s as if you look at them in a completely different light. It’s absolutely wonderful. I’m getting pissed off again.
03) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
The horror community seems split with this one. As you can probably guess, I’m on the half that thinks it’s awesome (or as I like to call it, the correct half). People say it wasn’t scary, people say it was boring. And I say: God forbid a movie tries to scare you with atmosphere rather than with shock value. I loved it because it realized that fear is an emotion rather than an action, and knows that you don’t have to jump out of your seat to experience it. Did it have its weak points? Of course it did, every movie does. But to me, it was all about the scares, and boy did it deliver. This is also where I admit that I’m a bit of a ghost hunting nerd, I’ve read a whole lot about it and know a bit about how supposed real hauntings actually work. And this movie was pretty damn realistic. Which made it all the scarier for me...and leaving the theater and going home to a creaky apartment certainly didn’t help.
02) THE SHINING
I’m not going to lie; this one almost slipped right past me. Like any good Kubrick film (so…basically any Kubrick film), there’s a lot going on in it. For some reason, it just never seems to click with me that a lot of it has to do with the ghosts that are hanging around the Overlook. But regardless, they’re around, and they are sinister as hell. I’m really not sure what I could write about this movie that hasn’t already been said. It’s just a fucking masterpiece.
01) THE DEVIL’S BACKBONE
There’s no doubt that this is my favorite ghost story. I am pretty much in love with Guillermo Del Toro as a filmmaker, and if I could deal with the unknown half as well as he does, I would be considered a goddamn master. I think one of the things I love so much about it is how it’s really more of a period drama than anything else, it just happens that the orphanage it takes place in is haunted by one of the best designed ghosts I’ve ever laid eyes on. And that’s what I love about Del Toro and his films, they’re based in a world that is very real, and he interjects these pieces of fantasy into them, and they compliment each other so goddamned well, and then they’re so layered. I’m thinking about how good of a filmmaker he is right now, and it’s just pissing me off.
Friday, June 11, 2010
In case you're not sure of just who Felissa Rose is, she's Angela/Peter Baker from the cult classic Sleepaway Camp. Little known fact, her character from Sleepaway Camp is how I got in touch with B-Sol of The Vault of Horror and helped jump-start this here blog! So needless to say, I have quite the soft spot when it comes to Ms. Rose. This past May, Felissa rose began production on a film she is co-producing and starring in titled The Perfect House. It is said to be released by the end of the year.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
and demand it!
The film looks, feels, and probably tastes like a 70's flick but the attention to the smallest details are what really gives the film such a lasting impression. The score is impeccable, it's a very striking film with the use of color amongst the hippies, and the flashback scenes are quite scarring to those impressionable.
"But BJ-C, I love this film SO much, how can I get my very own copy of it?"
The absolutely FABULOUS writer/producer/actor/director Elisabeth Fies has agreed to send one of you lucky people a signed copy of her award winning film The Commune.
All you have to do is send an email to BRITTNAHJADE@gmail.com with the subject
"I WANT THE COMMUNE"
That's it! That's all you have to do to be entered!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
As I am American and thus read left to right, let me begin with our pussy vampire, Edward Cullen. Oh Eddy, what are we going to do with you? I first need to compliment you on your new lipstick. Darling, the color looks absolutely FABULOUS on you. Is that "Naked Paris" by MAC? If so, I definitely have the same one. I see that your hair has lost a bit of its volume too. Maybe it was the extra hair gel added in for this photo to make it sparkle as bright as your skin in sunlight...or maybe it's because you're in desperate need of a shower. Seriously, I think gas prices are so high because all the oil is in your follicles. I also need to recommend that you stop clenching your jaw so much. It may make your jaw look extra chizzled, but that is absolutely terrible for your teeth. I had that problem when I slept, they gave me this awesome plastic retainer to help out, I'll loan you mine if you really need it. I gotta ask though, what the HELL is going on with your facial expression? You're making the same face I make when my mom asks me to read what the sign on the highway says at 2am in the pouring rain. It's a combination of confusion, seriousness, and constipation. It's not a good look for you, and if you don't watch out...those caterpillars you're harboring above your eyes are going to escape.
Now onto the whiny, bland teenage girl of the century, Miss Bella Swan. I must first ask that you take a deep breath and say it with me..."SUNLIGHT". My god woman, you're a mortal and you are about three shades lighter than glitterjizz behind you. I also want to know if you were ever picked on as a child...since your left eye is clearly more open than your right one. I should stop being such a hater, you probably didn't get any sleep last night is all. No wonder you look so dazed and bored out of your damn mind. You should also thank the airbrush people handsomely, they actually made your hair look voluminous. Kudos.
Lastly we have the six pack, wolf wonder, Jacob Black. Jacob, how much Pro-Activ do you use a week? Seriously. For someone who clearly drenches their body in baby oil, you have impeccable skin. Wait, that's airbrushed...you're about two shades lighter in real life. Oh nevermind, it's just that magic fog that only surrounds your lower half and not your torsos and faces. I'm such doof sometimes. Jacob darling, I've said it before and I'll say it again...making eye contact through your eyebrows does NOT make you look more intimidating. You're making a face that resembles the bad attitude my teenage sister has when my parents take her car keys. Find a new face bud, stat.
I'd also like to take a special moment to commemorate the film's tagline which was obviously stolen from your friendly neighborhood abortion clinic. It's a wonderful thing when even Twatlight is on your side, I expect a high spike in the services performed at your clinics. All you brokers out there heard it here first, invest in abo-clinics! Thanks Stephanie Meyer!
Friday, June 4, 2010
THE CLASH OF THE CHICAGO KILLERS
Chucky vs. Candyman
Compared to other serial murderers and slashers, Chucky has one of the better alibis. By being an "intimate" object, he often fools the Chicago police. It's like Toy Story...but people get nails to the face. The entire concept of Chucky is one of the more horrifying in the horror genre. A toy, something that children cherish and confide in, is coming after them.
When it comes to the slasher genre as a whole, Chucky is quite the poster child. Despite his every cheesy one-liners, he's become a slasher staple. However, Chucky is one of the easiest to parody. First of all, he's a fucking doll. Watching people struggle to push a doll off their body is laughable. Second of all, he's a ginger. I think that comment goes without saying. Thirdly, he has one-liners that even Mr. Freeze would envy. As iconic as he is, he's probably the least scary. So there you have it, one of the most infamous Chicago killers...is a doll.
Spawning two sequels, The Candyman goes down as one of the most prolific African-American characters in the horror genre. As the son of a slave, the culture behind the Candyman is much more in depth in comparison to other slashers. The Candyman character is one of horrific proportions due to the fact that he is a character from an urban legend. Unlike other slashers that are specific to their location, the Candyman can be summoned from any location. The downside is that one will never encounter the Candyman unless by requesting his presence, thus making him useless.
The Candyman will forever be a film that genre fans hold dear to their heart. For sleepovers to come, there will always be people who risk the chanting in the mirror of Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman, Candyman...
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Wednesday, June 2, 2010
So don't be a little bitch about it when I blow the ending.
The heroine of the last flick, Sarah, has just escaped the catacombs of the evil mole people. As she's being treated for her minor injuries and recovering from the events, the police realize that six girls went in the caves, and she's the only one who has made it back. Instead of just, I don't know...waiting for her memory to restore...one of the male cops gets the bright idea to throw her back in the cave! She has mild injuries, yes, but the doctor admitted she got a big chunk of "something" under her fingernails. HELLO, THERE WAS A STRUGGLE WITH A "SOMETHING" AND SHE'S THE ONLY ONE TO MAKE IT OUT AND YOU'RE GOING TO THROW HER BACK IN!? How many meth cupcakes did you have today? Did someone lace your joint with formaldehyde? I've heard of police bringing memory-less victims to the place they're found to try and "trigger" a memory, but that's usually a park or a building...NOT A FRIGGEN UN-MARKED CAVE WITH MOLE PEOPLE. However, looks like post-plastic surgery lookin' Kenny Rogers/man-cop knows better than the rest of us.
Once the crew inevitably runs into their first mole man, of course the guy has to whip out his gun and show it who's boss. Apparently being a man with a gun constitutes for not looking where you're shooting and the dumbass ends up causing a bunch of rocks to fall, trapping one of the girls. I thought they teach you in police academy NOT to give away your position? Jeeze. This then leaves poor Cath to fight for herself to escape the grasps of the dreaded mole-men and forces the rest of the group to "split up". Nice job.
When the group has another run in with a mole man, Sarah has to be the one to show the she-cop that they hunt based on sound. Stupid Dan doesn't take the hint when he can clearly SEE she-cop and Sarah on the camera and they are being quiet, and makes a hell of a lot of noise to draw the creature to himself and he gets himself eaten. As far as I'm concerned, he deserved it for being a loudmouth. Now, poor Cath who is apparently Dan's girlfran is set up to have an inevitable breakdown over the loss of her lover. Great. Just, great.
Towards the end of the film, after Juno is discovered to be alive and quite the ass-kicker, she has to save the post-op Kenny Rogers cop from a mole man. When the group catches up with Sarah and she-cop, he gets the BRILLIANT idea to handcuff himself to Sarah. I don't know about you, but when I think of trying to survive in a dangerous situation that requires me to climb rocks and have an immense amount of balance, I initially think to handcuff myself to people too. As expected, they get to a point that requires people to walk one-at-a-time and to evenly distribute their weight. Sarah has to be no more than 110 pounds and she's hooked onto a 200 pound clumsy cop. Do the math. Sarah is almost pulled over a cliff because of his stupidity, but Juno saves the day...by killing him.
Juno, Sarah, and she-cop are the only three survivors and have finally discovered a way out, they seem to be making a break for it...until GREG who turns out NOT to be dead grabs at them and freaks them the french out. So the mole men hear them and sparks a battle royal between the group, leaving Juno mortally wounded. Good going, Greg. Things look as though everyone is going to die, when Sarah screams at the top of her lungs, drawing attention to herself, and giving she-cop the opportunity to get free.
She-cop manages to escape the cave and takes a full sprint out of the woods, until the creepy old man cold clocks her with a shovel and leaves her outside the opening of the caves. WAY TO RUIN IT ALL, OLD MAN! The guy is the equivalent to Old Man Jenkins from the Scooby Doo cartoons, and he's the reason we aren't giving a hurrah ending. You gotta be kidding me. I literally stared at the screen in disbelief as he drug her body back to the hole. Way to suck, man. Way to suck.
NOTE: Cath totally made her deathbed by screaming her flipping head off after escaping two of the mole people. So in her case, a man didn't mess it up...she did. However, for simplicities sake, I didn't include her.