Monday, May 31, 2010

ILLINOIS: MORE THAN THE LAND OF JOHN HUGHES FILMS

It's a well known fact that LA is the land of movies and NYC is the world of the stage, but what about everything in between? Ladies and gentlemen, my home state of Illinois is a breeding ground for all things cinema and even all things horror. For the next week, I will be doing features having to do with the grand ol' state of Illinois, and the glorious city of Chicago. I'll be talking about everything from movies filmed here, to fictional places set here, to people who got their start here, and of course the fabulous family of Horror Society. I'm going to give you a firsthand look at why Illinois isn't just farmland and small towns. Midwest, represent.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

TEEN WOLF PACKS: IT'S NOT A GANG, IT'S A FAMILY

As much as I'd like to write you all a post about teenagers that are part wolf with abilities to make game winning shots in basketball games, I unfortunately have the displeasure of informing you fine Womanizers about an epidemic attacking the youth of America. Thanks to a wonderful thing called Twatlight and the fact that vampires are like soo conformist, teens are taking the role of werewolves and walking around public dressed like them. Let me rephrase that, they're dressing like Ville Valo inspired hottopic kids with Tripp pants hooked with wolf tails, fangs, and colored contact lenses. Of course they don't actually wear wolf clothing like furries or anything, because you can't be different unless you have greasy black hair and cheap black eyeliner. These "wolf packs" seem to be "expressing themselves" and invading Texas, San Antonio to be exact. I know that kids will do anything to fit in these days, but this is ridiculous. If my kid ever decided to dress like a werewolf to express themself, I'd make him wear a fur suit. Idiots.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

BITCH OF THE MONTH: David from Shaun of the Dead

I don't make the rules when it comes to gender stereotypes, but it is VERY possible for a man to be a bitch. Instead of being a "hormonal, obnoxious, callous, hosebeast" like a bitch-woman, men are just "whiny, unwilling to cooperate, stubborn, and wimpy" bitches. So instead of doing the usual catty girl from a slasher film, this time I'm showcasing the biggest male bitch in horror from the last 10 years, David from Shaun of the Dead.

Oh Davs, you pathetic little Nancy Boy...where do I even begin with you? Let's start with your inability to accept anyone's ideas other than your own. When the zombie outbreak occurs, you badger Shaun's ideas left and right without ever thinking of anything yourself. Although you haven't contributed ANYTHING to help the survival of your friends, you still give off an aura that you know best. It honestly makes me want to go into the TV screen and punch you square in the glasses. Not to mention, when Shaun comes to rescue your sorry ass from your zombie infested flat, you completely rub the salt in his wounds that Shaun is attempting to rescue his 24 hour ex girlfriend of 3 years. Really? REALLY?! You're being invaded by flesh hungry mutant freaks and all you care about it bitching that someone has come to rescue you? Suck it up, grab a blunt object, and get the hell out of dodge!

Then there's the whole whining about everything. The start of the freaking apocalypse is upon you and all you can complain about is that you're walking to a pub. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had direct signal telling you that the police stations were fully functional. I guess while you're at it, you can whip out your mini-van that can comfortably seat the rest of your mates...oh wait, you don't believe in owning a car in London. Once you finally reach your destination, you complain that you're there! Okay, I get that a pub isn't the first thing I'd think of when speaking of an impenetrable fortress...BUT THERE AREN'T ANY ZOMBIES! It isn't until YOU sir broke the window and drew attention to yourselves that the zombies even figured out a way to get in the pub. You were perfectly safe for a good while without having to worry about anyone eating you. Yet, you still bitch. If you really want to go back out with the zombies, be my guest. I'm not stopping you.

Can we also discuss your absolute selfishness and heartlessness? First you only date Diana because Liz rejected your ass, then you talk shit on Shaun because Liz likes him better, and then you confess your love while you're holding a gun to someone. My god man. She doesn't like you! GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Sheesh, you pansy. Then there's the whole wanting to kill Shaun's mom. I get that she's going to be a zombie...but give the man a final moment. She's not going to turn instantly, he doesn't need his final moments with his mom to be putting a bullet through her head. At LEAST let her change so it becomes more real that she's fully "gone". We all know you only put the gun up because you hate Shaun, you bitch.

Despite absolutely loving everything about the film, I was so happy to see you die. I figured from the beginning that you were going to go, and seeing you ripped to shreds sort of gave me a hurrah moment. I did sympathize with Diana, but then again...she's a fool for being with someone who wants to be with someone else. David, you're kind of a douchebag and I wasn't tore up to see you go. It was nice to finally be able to feel the final moments of the film with characters I actually cared about and didn't want to punch in the face. You were a total whiny bitch the entire film and in the words of the great one, "Get fucked, four eyes".

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

THE TOP 10 PRANKS IN HORROR FILMS (gone terribly, terribly wrong)

There are some who say that our society has become overly PC, and in a misguided attempt to combat this, people can sometimes be blatantly rude and cross the lines. Instead of apologizing for feelings being hurt or offending people, they seem to blame those offended for "not getting their joke". Thanks to the internet, people feel as if there are no boundaries on how to treat each other, and very often when people do apologize, what they’re really only apologizing for is getting in trouble. What starts off as an "innocent" joke and a way to gain attention, has been seen to completely backfire on occasion, often with dramatic results. As a tribute to this rampant phenomenon, here is a little list of some of horror’s most catastrophically misfired practical jokes. Enjoy =]

10) JAWBREAKER
Oh high school girls and your crazy cliques. Teenage girls are quite the odd species as they actually DO pull pranks on each other for the hell of pulling pranks. I have pictures of my jeep saran wrapped shut with lawn ornaments on the roof to prove it...Marcie, Julie, and (the epitome of Queen Bitch) Courtney tie up their friend Liz on the morning of her seventeenth birthday, by performing a fake kidnapping on her and Courtney ramming a jawbreaker down her throat to silence her. When they open the trunk to see a dead best friend (still in bra & panties) with a Jawbreaker lodged in her throat, all hell breaks loose. "I killed Liz, I killed the teen dream. Deal with it".
09) URBAN LEGEND
Everyone has done their fair share of participating in urban legends. I'm personally one of those "hold your breath while you drive by a graveyard" kind of girls. In the cheesetastic 90's film completely dedicated to urban legends, it looks like playing the "follow the guy who flashes your brights" game can end up in disaster...and possibly start a crazed series of serial murders based on different urban legends.
08) HEATHERS
When an extremely popular girl joins forces with the crazy new guy in school, problems are guaranteed to form. Not only does he totally not like fit in with like our crew, but he like also totally likes to like KILL PEOPLE!!! A series of pranks between the two hoodlums left a town in an uproar and some kids wrongfully assumed to be homosexual.07) THE BURNING
One of the most underrated slasher flicks of the 80's, this tale of a joke gone bad ends with quite the grizzly results. A super obvious rip-off (but might be better) of Friday the 13th gives us a new look into the side effects of picking on people at summer camps. Some teenagers pull a prank on him leaving him horribly burned and disfigured, so the only logical way to get revenge is to kill 'em all with gardening shears. I mean, it's only right.06) SLAUGHTER HIGH
It's not easy being different or being the nerd in school, but someone has to do it. Poor Marty the science nerd had all the kids in school on his back. From having the popular girl convince him to strip naked while the school jabbed his junk with a javelin, to giving him joints laced with poison, and even rigging a science experiment to explode in his face...the kids made his life hell. However, every nerd has his day and Marty decided to make his mark at the high school reunion.
05) THE TOXIC AVENGER
Oh the little film that built Troma. Melvin was the 98 pound weakling janitor at a local gym until a prank went terribly wrong and dropped him into a vat of toxic waste. What arose from the fire and slime wasn't the little Melvin...but the superhuman monster man, TOXIE! Using his newly found superpowers, Toxie travels across the corrupt land of Tromaville and shows those who did him wrong, who the new boss in town is.
04) TERROR TRAIN
During the time when Jamie Lee Curtis reigned supreme, she did another slasher film that wasn't with Michael Myers. At a fraternity party, Jamie Lee Curtis lures an awkward pledge into a dark room to have some frisky fun between the sheets. However, those pesky frat boys put a dead corpse in the bed. Nice, right? Well, he loses his mind and comes back years later with a vengeance and hacks them to bits on a train costume party.
03) THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW
Going along with the consistent theme that teenagers are assholes, a prank between sorority sisters goes horribly wrong and their house mother winds up dead. Strangely enough, the sorority girls start dying one by one and it seems that the prank gone awry is the source of the terror. Who woulda thunk?
02) APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Muffy has set up what she believes is the perfect weekend leading up to April Fool's Day for her friends. She's rigged up their house with little party jokes like whoopee cushions and dribble glasses all over the house. It's going to be perfect weekend. What she didn't account for was the deckhand being seriously injured before they get there as part of a "joke" and coming after them or was it someone else?
01) CARRIE
Stephen King's tale of the poor nerdy girl getting her revenge is the absolute greatest example of a "joke" backfiring to the nth degree. As funny as it would be to send the most popular guy in school out with the jesus thumping uber nerd and cover her with pig's blood after you rigged the votes to make her prom queen...you gotta think that expulsion would be the least of your worries. There is no better film representation of a "joke" going bad, and after recent events...I WISH I had telekinesis...

Monday, May 24, 2010

THE MOST SELF SERVING POST EVER SEEN ON DOTW!





So I partially lied to you all yesterday. I haven't been completely MIA, I actually have been up to no good and writing for some other sites. I know, I'm a total traitor. I expect an angry mob with pitchforks and "fire on a stick" outside my door. So, I think it's only necessary I let you all know just what I've been up to. I also am taking this time to show some of the COOLEST stuff happening on the interwebs.


INTERVIEW WITH THE STRANGE KIDS CLUB
I was honored enough to have an interview with the AWESOME folks at the clubhouse with the strangest kids in the blogosphere. They even made a super awesome graphic for it!One of my favorite horror homies, Johnny of Freddy in Space, is hosting a week fully dedicated to the man behind the modern zombie. I've even got a guest post lined up for him :DMy poppa Pax over at Billy Loves Stu did a tribute to the fabulous women of George A. Romero =]
I'm proud to say that I'm now writing for the FABULOUS website
BLOOD SPRAYER

and last but not least....
Day of the Woman's brother blog,
The Vault of Horror
just celebrated their 1,000th post!
Congratulations B-Sol!



Sunday, May 23, 2010

20 HORROR FILMS THAT SHAPED MY EXISTENCE.

Her name was Brittney-Jade...and today is her birthday. HURRAY ME! I am officially no longer a teenager! Gone are the days where I am lumped together with those braindead teenagers who think horror remakes are cool! Never again will I be assumed to be in the target audience for terrible horror films containing models as actors and only jump scares! One more year and I can finally attend events with open bars! Now that that's out of the way, down to the nitty gritty. I apologize for being a bit MIA this week. The pageant association that I am a consultant for had their competition this weekend, so I was absolutely SWAMPED. However, I have decided that in celebration for my 20th birthday, I'll showcase 20 films that truly shaped my existence. I've only put pictures as I have explained numerous times on DotW just what each film stands for. See how many you can figure out ;)









Wednesday, May 19, 2010

CAESAR AND OTTO'S YOUTUBE EXTRAVAGANZA!


David Campfield was generous enough to send me a copy of his fantastically, awfully, ridiculously, campy (sort of) horror flick, Caesar and Otto's Summer Camp Massacre. He wrote me a little note saying that "its more of a goofball comedy than horror" and he wasn't kidding. I laughed at pretty much everything that happened, and the fact there was some slaughter made me love it even more. If you aren't some film snob who expects PERFECT film making and can't relax and take a joke (but done properly unlike some stupid overly awarded indie vampire films), then this film is not for you. As a publicity and promotional project, they have created a youtube station. The shorts are absolutely hysterical and well worth a watch




Caesar & Otto's Summer Camp Massacre to screen at The Light House International Film Festival.






Dave Campfield's comedy-horror was chosen as the midnight movie at this year's Light House Film Festival in New Jersey. Director Campfield will be in attendance. Caesar and Otto is now on youtube, with weekly videos being uploaded to the site:


http://www.youtube.com/user/caesarandottochannel


Screening info:

Friday June 4th at the Light House Film Festival in New Jersey.


http://lighthousefilmfestival.org/directions.html

WHAT I WANT FOR MY 20TH BIRTHDAY

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: Zombies of Mass Destruction

As a daughter of a politician, (a republican no less) I've come to discover that it is nearly impossible to screw up parodying anything political. With Obama's socialist antics, Bush's inability to speak proper English, and the economy raping 90% of the country with a grapefruit spoon, political jokes are some of the easiest to make. Now, to combine that with the almost fool-proof Zom-Com seems to be a stroke of genius. However, if there ever was a way to screw up the political parody & zom-com combination, Zombies of Mass Destruction have jihaded the pants clear off it.

First of all, they called it a Zomedy. Last I checked, the proper lingo expression is a Zom-Com. Secondly, it's got "mass destruction" and a zombie terrorist on the poster...you're insulting my intelligence by saying "a political zomedy". The reason it worked with Shaun of the Dead with "a romantic comedy, with zombies" is because it didn't spell it out for the readers. This poster is what I like to say "like pistol whipping a blind kid".

The long running joke in the industry is that zombie filmmakers have been making EVERYTHING zombies. Zombie strippers, Vegan zombies, and even zombie clowns have been showing up at film festivals and silver screens all across the country. However...zombie terrorists? Don't they blow themselves up? How the hell does that even work? Unless this is in the same world as Return of the Living Dead, there isn't any reason as to why the blown up bits of terrorists can come after you.

I'd also like to know who the crap these kids are. If you're going to go political comedy, shouldn't you go with the secret service or congressmen over college kids? No? Normally I spend a decent size paragraph bitching about the standard fonts being used, but this poster...speaks for itself. I didn't know there was a font that resembled letters dipped in strawberry syrup, but I have been proved wrong.

Monday, May 17, 2010

AUTHOR OF LET THE RIGHT ONE IN...GOES ZOMBIE

It's no surprise that I am an absolute Let The Right One In fanatic. The film, the soundtrack, and the novel are all examples of pure perfection in the horror world. After falling head over heels for the chilling world of Eli and Oskar through film, I rush ordered the novel the second I had money for it. I took the massive book and cranked it out in just under a week. I barely took breaks to blog while reading it, I just couldn't put it down. Now, vampires are NOT my favorite creatures of horror as zombies reign supreme in my book. Yet, LTROI is easily my favorite horror novel in the last decade. So when it was announced that John Ajvide Lindqvist was writing a zombie novel, words cannot capture the sensation that took over my body. I'm a self-proclaimed zombie obsessed, literature freak. The announcement of this book was like Christmas coming early.

On September 28th, Lindqvist's story Handling the Undead will be released. As expected, the story isn't to be traditional and sounds just as horrifically beautiful as his last masterpiece. The novel is to be apart-dramatic, part-satiric study of what happens when the undead return to their families. Special thanks to Stu from BuyZombie for bringing this to my attention.

Friday, May 14, 2010

HORROR HACKDOWN: Father Karras vs. Father McGruder

We must first give a hearty round of applause to the last winner of our Horror Hackdown final girl brawl, NANCY THOMPSON! Congratulations Nancy, get some sleep whydontcha?!
THIS WEEK'S MATCH

THE BATTLE OF THE BIBLE BANGERS! FATHER KARRAS VS. FATHER McGRUDER
*ding* *ding*

In this corner, sporting the (split pea soup) green trunks, hailing from the Jesuit land of Scranton, the power of Christ compels you, FAAAATHEEERRRRR KARRAS! This man of God is your everyday pastor dealing with a crisis of faith thanks to a terminal illness striking his mother. You know, the usual. Karras is brought into the world of the demon-possessed child Regan MacNeil once she suffers a series of seizures followed by bouts of great strength and levitation. When X-rays show nothing strange or unnatural, a doctor advises that Regan be taken to a psychiatrist, whom she attacks. Strange and paranormal activities continue to surround the MacNeil household, including a violently shaking bed, creepy noises and unexplained movements from inanimate objects. She even kills the director of her mother's movie when he babysits. After all medical explanations are exhausted, a doctor recommends an exorcism. In desperation, Regan's mother consults Father Karras, since he is both a priest and a shrink. Regan claims to be possessed by Satan himself. Despite his doubts, Karras decides to request permission from the Church to conduct an exorcism...and this is where the fun begins!

After Father Merrin is brought to help, Karras endures absolute hell in The Exorcist, literally. Satan himself takes the form of a foul mouthed little girl and beats the daylights out of him. Despite everything against him, Karras uses his belief of the Lord (and some slight shaking) and gives his life in order to protect this little girl from Beelzebub's power. During the climax of the exorcism, the demon(which we later know as Pazuzu...NOT Satan) threatens and taunts both Merrin and Karras, both physically and verbally. Hence the ever so infamous "Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Karras" line. I hate to admit it, but I do believe that could very well be my favorite part of the entire film. Forget the head spinning or the crucifix masturbation, that line is GOLD. Unfortunately, Merrin croaks from a heart attack and Father Karras attempts to perform CPR but to no avail. Pazuzu causes Regan to laugh menacingly as Karras tries to save Merrin, and it sparks such an anger that Karras hits her and chokes her, challenging the demon to leave Regan and enter him. Pazuzu gives him his wish and enters him; whereupon the priest throws himself through Regan's bedroom window and lands (and falls) down the steps outside. Another priest comes to administer his last rites as Karras drifts into eternal life.

However, Karras fits the bill for the literary concept of a whiskey priest and seems to have a kryptonite in demon puke. Yet, we must honor this powerful priest for his bravery in facing the demon who made the rest of the world fear flexible, foul-mouthed 9 year olds for eternity.


********


And in this corner, in the cranberry satin shorts, hailing from Wellington, preaching gospels and killing ghoulies...FATHER MCGRUDER! Poor second-and store version Bruce Campbell, Lionel Cosgrove, lives with his domineering mother. To his mother's disapproval, Lionel falls for a local shopkeeper's daughter, Paquita, and while spying on the lovebirds during a visit to the zoo, Lionel's mother is bitten by the Sumatran Rat-Monkey. Why they sent this stupid thing to a zoo is beyond me, but anyway...The animal's bite slowly turns her into a manic zombie. Lionel is horrified, but, ever the dedicated son, is determined to care for her. In other terms, if Ashley J. Williams and Norman Bates had a baby...it'd be Lionel Cosgrove. After his mommy dearest is laid to rest, she rises again and starts the domino reaction of zombification.

Following the outbreak in the cemetery, we are introduced to Father McGruder. Once the zombies infest his neck of the woods, he calls for some "divine intervention". What follows is two minutes straight of pure priest vs. zombie action. He presents a holy smackdown against some undead hoodlums complete with punching two zombies over the shoulder. McGruder pulls out moves that would make Bruce Lee tremble, and even dismembers a bunch in the process. Unfortunately, he finds his demise when a decapitated head comes down in battle and bites him square on the shoulder. You'd think the badass priest would be done for once zombified, but you would be wrong. Zombification must void the rules for men of God as McGruder and an equally zombified nurse get it on at the breakfast table. Their frisky business leads us to the first zombie baby to be put on screen.

While McGruder may be less well-known as his competitor, he remains in the hearts of horror nerds everywhere as one of the most celebrated non-zombies in a zombie film. To put it in the simplest terms...he kicks ass for the Lord.

WHO DESERVES TO WIN THIS FIGHT?
VOTE IN THE POLL ON THE TOP RIGHT!
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