Tuesday, March 30, 2010

TERRIBLY (AWESOME) POSTER TUESDAY


The past few entries here on DotW have been rant filled and chock full of negativity. Today is Tuesday and as you may know, I'm expected to rip apart a god awful one-sheet for a movie. Now, I don't want you Womanizers to think I'm some crotchety teenager who hates everything, because I'm not...mostly. Instead of our regularly scheduled programming, I thought I'd switch it up a bit and show you some of my FAVORITE horror movie posters of all time. NOTE: Some of the films I do NOT like, but I DO like the poster.


So there ya go! Some of my personal favorite posters. Yes, I am aware that there are about 100000000 other amazing posters, so I didn't "forget" them, I just chose not to include them :) Here's hoping some marketing kids see this post and get some inspiration to do something other than photoshop blunders, and bad font.

BJ-C HAS A NEW ADDRESS!

As you may know, I'm on a medical leave from school for the rest of the semester and for the rest of the summer. That means, I do not have an address at my university. If something IS sent to me there, they will forward it to me. However, they have requested that I let you all know that my address is no longer there as I've apparently given the mail lady a ton more work now that she has to forward me all my mail. If the address you have for me IS my university address, please email me at
BRITTNAHJADE@GMAIL.COM
and let me send you my current mailing address.

Monday, March 29, 2010

STEPHEN KING: MOST LIKELY TO GET SCREWED IN A FILM ADAPTATION

Stephen King has said that he is the literary equivalent to "a Big Mac and fries". I'd like to say that he's more of a three course spectaculathon filled with high end desserts and a major meal only Emeril Lagasse could whip up. The classics of horror that he's written have been labeled as the inspirations for many screenwriters, and he's probably the most iconic horror writer next to H.P. Lovecraft. Many of us might not even be fans of the genre if it wasn't for his work. I remember walking into my parent's bedroom as a child and trying to sneak reads of the Stephen King novels on my mother's bedside. He's one of the most published authors of all time, has sold over 350 million copies of his books sold, and has had more of his stories turned into films or tv miniseries than any other author of all time with 86 adaptations. One would believe that this magnitude of talent would produce some of the greatest horror films to go along with it, right? WRONG. Out of those 86 adaptations, I'll go along to say that 10 or less are anything to bat an eyelash at. The rest...garbage. In defense, the films that ARE good aren't just good...they're monumental. The Shining goes to be one of the scariest films of all time and IMO, Jack Nicholson's best work to date. All of the films are impacting, but it doesn't necessarily mean the films are anything of worth. Stephen King is by far the author most likely to get screwed in a film adaptation.

Witness the iconic train wreck, Children of the Corn. While the film is praised for having Isaac and Malachi, the two creepiest amish kids ever on screen, it is also noted to be one of the crappiest films ever made. The COTC franchise is a joke in the horror industry. It's honestly what the Duggar kids would be doing if TLC didn't keep them on track. The story the film is based on, was a short story Stephen King published in Penthouse. Really? PENTHOUSE!? That should have been a sign right there that this is a story left best on paper and not on the silver screen. It has spawned six sequels and a made-for-TV remake. The Children of the Corn is the horror equivalent to The Land Before Time. It never ends and the first one wasn't even good. The first film received two thumbs down by Siskel & Ebert and currently reps a 37% on Rotten Tomatoes, ouch.

Stephen King's The Dark Half was the second highest selling novel of 1989. When George A. Romero, king of the f'ing zombies signed up to direct the film, it seemed as if this would be the saving grace of the novel turned film work of Stephen King. Romero was just so stifled making a studio picture, that this just became so bland and drab. I've read The Dark Half. I find it horrific and brilliant, I've seen Dark Half, I wish I couldn't admit to that. The film is watchable, but it's not something I'll ever care to see again. The only admirable thing about the film is the suspense that goes along with not knowing the story, once you've seen it once...there's nothing to the film to keep you entertained. It's a one view film at best. I think the reason I dislike it so much, is because of the drastic contrast between the book and the film. At least with films like LTROI or even Harry Potter, the movies are STILL good despite having monumental books to live up to, the same cannot be said for this one.

TV mini-series seem to be the absolute WORST culprits. The Tommyknockers, Rose Red, Kingdom Hospital, and yes, IT are some of the worst adaptations of King's novels to date. The first three can easily just be explained as "god awful with bad CGI, bad acting, and bad interpretations". IT however, is something people fight me with tooth and nail about. Do you want to know why people say IT is so scary? BECAUSE HE'S A FREAKING CHILD KILLING CLOWN WITH SCARY TEETH THAT COMES THROUGH YOUR PIPES. The storyline is compelling, the length is unnecessary, and the scenes from the book they chose are the most "family friendly" of any of them. The film has no balls, and is a complete JOKE compared to the novel. The series is just lucky that Pennywise as a character is going to freak people out in general. Of course he's going to be scary. I'm not denying that Pennywise is frightening, but I am denying that IT is a quality adaptation. The series is incredibly slow, the ending is so bad I turn it off before it happens, and the only redeeming qualities of the series is when Tim Curry is on screen. Anything else is laughable, dull, and a waste of time. The book is downright disturbing, and IT is just sort of bland. The only reason it reached any sort of success is because there is an overwhelming amount of people with phobias of clowns, and because Tim Curry is a genius. If Pennywise had been played by anyone else, that film wouldn't be anywhere near as iconic and Pennywise would have been written off as just another creepy clown like Bozo without the buckets.
It is true that there was a HUGE SK obsession in the 70's, 80's, and 90's...but even his films made in the 2000's are dreadful (with the exceptions). 1408 is a freaking joke. I'm a John Cusak fangirl and even I watched the film with the same expression I have when I see fat women in Wal-Mart wearing spandex with crimped mullets. It's a trainwreck and nothing more than wasted potential. This isn't to say ALL Stephen King film adaptations are crappy. His non-horror films are widely successful. The Shawshank Redemption and Stand By Me are two films that are almost universally accepted as good films. The man has got talent for writing, if only filmmakers could properly capture it. *sigh*

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Nazis + Zombies = Lame? Does Not Compute!

B-Sol of The Vault of Horror here, filling in for the baton-twirlin' BJ-C with a little review of Dead Snow, a flick I finally caught earlier this week...

Just as I finished typing out the title to this post, I suddenly realized the issue was not as cut and dried as I'm making it out to be. I mean, on paper of course, the concept of Nazi zombies seems like one that cannot possibly go wrong. Zombies are badass and terrifying, Nazis are the ultimate movie bad guys; how can combining the two not yield joyful results? I'm sure a lot of people thought this going into last year's Norwegian fright flick, Dead Snow.

But then again, maybe none of those people have ever seen Oasis of the Zombies. Or any of the other drearily awful Nazi zombie movies that were pumped out during that bizarre subgenre's earlier heyday some 30 or so years ago. I did, which makes it harder for me to figure out exactly why I was so excited for Dead Snow in the first place. I was warned by those who saw it before me, and let me know I was in for a bit of a letdown. I didn't listen, but I should have. I guess I had to learn for myself.

Dead Snow is the story of a bunch of Norwegian college students away for a vacation in the mountains of their native land, unaware that the area is haunted by a platoon of undead einsatzgruppen searching for (guarding?) a bunch of gold they confiscated during the war. And that's basically all you really need to know.

What seemed like it could've been an interesting concept turns into your typical cabin-in-the-woods scenario. In fact, the kids even directly reference the Evil Dead, because we can't make a horror movie in the 21st century without being all ironic and self-referential, right? And of course, we wouldn't want the "subtlety" to be lost on anyone, either.

You have your basic setup, with the inevitably weird and creepy local old dude who comes upon the cabin and drops major plot exposition on the young lads and lasses, warning them of the their certain doom if they stay. The kids listen to what he has to say, debate it rationally, then pack their things up and go home safely to avoid the menace. End credits... Just kidding--imagine if that ever happened? No, they laugh it up, make fun of the guy and send him on his way. And guess what? The old dude turns out to have been right! Can you believe it?

And from the point that the old man leaves, there is quite literally nothing more in the way of plot. The movie then becomes a series of gory, self-awaredly cool zombie set-pieces strung together, unrelentingly, without any rhyme or reason. Crazy shit happens to character #1. Cut to next scene, in which crazy shit happens to characters #2 and #3. And so on. The gore is amazing, and the makeup work outstanding, no doubt about it. Quite simply, there's nothing interesting going on. But it's all dressed up nice and pretty.

Zombie Col. Herzog and his ghoulish minions are some cool-looking baddies, I'll give them that. But this movie is all sizzle and no steak, as my good buddy Jim Ross might say. All frosting, and no cake. It's like the filmmakers basically said, "Hey, we have Nazi zombies, we're made in the shade! Why bother with anything else?"

So don't be fooled by Dead Snow, because it's pretty much a bore. In the realm of bad Euro-zombie movies, we're not talking Night of the Living Dorks bad here--but still, it falls far short of what you're probably expecting if you haven't seen it. It seems we just have to learn all over again what horror fans learned a generation ago: Nazis and zombies do not automatically equal awesome...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

HOLY CRAP TV THEMES!



it's a split screen.
so this is ONE dude.
this may be one of the coolest medleys I've seen in AGES.
so it's not horror related, but like i say...
MY BLOG. MY RULES.

WALMART, REDBOX, NETFLIX, AND ON DEMAND: SELL OUTS AND FUEL TO THE TWATLIGHT FIRE

If you've been following my blog at all, you should know by now that I hate Twatlight with ever fiber of my being and I get angrier than Sandra Bullock at a tattoo show whenever I see anyone defending it or bragging about their limited edition edible Cullen family bra straps or something. I tried giving it a chance, and I can't wrap my head around it. The films and books are god awful and even those involved with it agree that they suck. However, the franchise is a cash cow and it seems that everyone and their mom is nudging their way in to suck on the tit.

Here's the thing about Twatlight; even though I hate it, I DO understand how much money it cranks in and how smart of a business move it is to support it. Let's face it, if you were a movie rental company and refused to carry it because it blows harder than new facebook. It has a huge fanbase filled with hyper teens with soccer moms throwing money at them, and creepy moms who vicariously live their dreams of a seemingly perfect relationship after realizing their marriages are shams. Regardless of WHO is paying for these films and books to take over the world, it's being funded and anyone would be stupid to not try to ride the wave.

HOWEVER. That doesn't make it right. Think of it this way. Twatlight fans are a breed of their own. They're seriously psychotic when it comes to their obsession. It's more of a lifestyle for these creatures. I wouldn't be surprised if they stood outside the theatres opening night in jogging sweats with purple kool-aid. I've literally seen fist fights over Jacob and Edward. The shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. So these hypertweens are CLEARLY on the up and up as far as when the hottest thing since a push-up bra is going to be released. Walmart...we KNOW you're going to have it at midnight, you're freaking WALMART. I don't need a commercial of a girl with an enlongated Velma Dinkley haircut with TEARS in her eyes watching New Moon. Have your normal commercial and throw in at the end that you're going to have it at midnight. You're honestly insulting your fan base by believing their stupid enough not to know you're going to have it at 12:01.I'd also like to thank Netflix, On Demand, and Red Box for not advertising ANY other freaking movies than New Moon. Twilight is a massively popular film, IT DOESN'T NEED ANY MORE ATTENTION. Do you know what DOES need attention? Films like Precious, Where the Wild Things Are, Up in the Air, Brothers, The Blind Side, or Pirate Radio, you know FILMS WITH AT LEAST SOME SORT OF SUBSTANCE!!! These are films nominated for Oscars and people are getting more advertisements for New Moon which is a film EVERYONE has been raped in the eyes with enough already. It's really crappy that films that deserve attention and publicity were talked about the week of the Oscars, and now they're done. I'm still seeing New Moon advertisements everywhere and I hate to say it, but it's not fair. There's amazing films that are being overlooked because companies are too concerned about making an easy buck than to actually give some sort of credible promotion. It's more disappointing than Anne Frank finally losing hide and seek. It's bad enough that Toys R Us has its own section of Twatlight related merchandise (like an umbrella) but now even the film industry is finally sucking the sparkly vampire's Ken doll crotch. It's disgusting and I once again have reason to fear for the future of humanity.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Frankie's Girls

If it wasn't because my mother would have a stroke and my father would put a belt sander to my skin, I would have a tattoo down my side of a reel of film with a different horror film in every frame. I love tattoos. I think that when they're done properly and when the tattoo isn't just some pointless image or some stupid joke that no one else but you will understand, that they are beautiful and wonderful works of art. We use our body as a canvas everyday with our clothing, hair, makeup, etc. Tattoos are just a more permanent approach. Lately, the media has portrayed tattooed women in a negative light with Jesse James' mistress and the constant speculation around Kat Von D. However, there is a group of women in Milwaukee who are proving that tattoos can be beautiful. I'm talking about Frankie's Girls, the promotional street team for Monsters Ink tattoos.

The shop is a monster movie-themed tattoo shop (hence the name Monsters Ink). The front part/waiting area of the shop is a horror "museum" type set up with figures from classic horror movies in cases as well as a life-sized Frankenstein's Monster statue. The artists at Monsters Ink are Tim Goodfellow, Tommy Back, and Mike Natarelli. .Monsters Ink was established in 2006 by Dave Curtis and Dick Noble.

Upon entering the shop, you are immediately transported to Dave’s vision of a thematic tattoo shop. The waiting area is inspired by Dave’s other business: Graveyard Records and Collectibles. It contains artifacts and collectibles from some of the most classic horror movies of yesteryear."


If you have something cool and want to get more attention for it, what better way to do so than to get hot babes to promote you! Thus, Frankie's Girls were born. Named after the most famous of all the movie monsters, Frankie's Girls were started by Tommy Back and Shawna Schwalenberg (the coordinator of the team and the shop's piercer as well as professional photographer). The girls are a promotional team of females ages 21 and older (though they do have a few underagers who are 19-20) who go out to promote the shop at local bars, clubs, festivals, and other events as a way of getting the Monsters Ink name out there. In exchange for their work promoting the shop, they earn tattoo work. How cool is that? They earn tattoo work for sporting some promo gear and looking hot. Sounds like a good deal to me! They also get to have photoshoots to show of their work and the photos are used to promote both Monsters Ink and ShawnaMarie Photography.

The shop does all kinds of tattoo work, including horror-themed ink.
Monsters Ink was voted number one tattoo and piercing shop in Milwaukee on the Channel 12 WISN A-list for 2009 (it was second place in 2008 and third in 2007 (they opened in December of 2006). These girls aren't promoting a rinky-dink tattoo parlor that specializes in stuff that looks like it came out of a vending machine, they're promoting the real deal and doing it with style.

Tommy Back won 5 trophies and awards this past summer...two at the Brew City Tattoo Convention, two at Harley Fest, and then best Horror Tattoo at Zombiecon X 2009 for his tattoo of Baby from House of 1000 Corpses (from the "I wanna be loved by you" scene.

Tim Goodfellow has been tattooing for ten years and won the best portrait tattoo trophy at Brew City Tattoo Convention 2007. He is also the singer and bassist for local punk band, Gnomeskull.

Mike Natarelli is the shop's newest artist and has long been part of the horror movie/convention scene, via his company, MN Etching

These women truly showcase my ideal of true beauty. In that they remain to be themselves and embrace the offbeat look that makes them look lovely. We still live in an age where women are starving themselves, over tanning, over bleaching, and over doing just about everything to reach society's standard of beauty. These women are truly role models. They're confident, they're beautiful, and yes...they have possessed little girls that scream obscenities permanently placed on their arms. I find Frankie's Girls to be an inspirational group of girls who can strut their stuff at events, proudly inked.
It is located at 3924 South 51st St in Milwaukee WI - on the corner of 51st and Howard.
Check out Monsters Ink's website HERE
&&
Show some love to Frankie's Girls HERE

TOYS R US: A FUNHOUSE OF HORROR

As a child, one of the things I took the most pride in was the fact my parents always got me toys that represented the things I enjoyed. I had little stuffed Jack Skellingtons, Batman action figures, and even horrifying rag dolls that only I would ever love. With today's society being so weird about violence and making everything "age appropriate" I began to fear that children would never be able to experience the fun of having their own stuffed Frankenstein or Wolfman action figure. Today, two of my very close horror enthusiast, life long friends went to Toys R Us to wreak havoc. Not only did riding child scooters and playing every instrument in the store commence, but we also found some toys that even the youngest boils and ghouls could enjoy.
Hey look! You can give your kid a REAL vampire to idolize
Show your children the side effects of not following directions by throwing one of these dandies in their Easter basket!
How about a friendly reminder about the rules of Halloween?One of these things is not like the other...
Yes, that is a Nightmare on Elm Street 4 doll. NOES 4?! Who even watches that?! Who loves it enough to make an action figure?!Who you gonna call?! Who cares. It's a freaking slimer that you can keep.You can even have your very own RE zombie and RE zombie dog! A little morbid, but still awesome.Or your own Licker! Which really crank my nerves.
...but of course Twatlight ruins everything good.



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