Saturday, February 27, 2010

SCENES SO SEXY IT'S SCARY: A SHOWCASE OF HOTNESS IN HORROR NSFW


Everyone remembers the time they hit puberty. We were all awkwardly shaped, bad skinned, poorly dressed, socially strange, and had hormones raging through us at unstoppable rates. While most people had the hot-shot "it" celebrities to destroy tube socks and bathtub faucets fawning over, the horror nerd had an entirely different breed of material. I'm talking about those men and women in horror who have those iconic scenes that make us swoon and in some cases...run to the bedroom for some alone time. Blocked out those memories of mom and dad interrupting your festivities inspired by your favorite horror candy? Let me refresh your memory with five of my favorites from each sex ;)

THE MEN:

Patrick Bateman's morning routine in American Psycho:
Honestly, it was really really hard picking just one scene from this film. I'm a big fan of him tanning and an even bigger fan of him flexing in the mirror...but I'm not that big of a fan of hookers. So I picked this one. Dear lord, it's like 8 minutes of half naked Christian Bale stretching, being buff, and at one point...HOT, WET, AND STEAMY IN A SHOWER. Christ, are you kidding me?! This scene is clearly Mary Harron throwing the female audiences a bone for once. This scene alone is one of the sexiest scenes in cinema...if not THE sexiest scene in horror. Mmm! "My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine." AND WE THANK GOD FOR IT. David's werewolf changing in An American Werewolf in London:
This probably makes me the hugest creep in the world that I find this hot but I know I'm not alone. I googled it just to make sure! There are tons of women out there that find this scene that should be scary/funny...just really really sexy. Maybe its the fact his "pain" face looks more like an "O" face or the fact he's just got a crazed body and a hell of a lot of passion going on, but it's pretty hot when you watch it juuuuust right. You know, I could have picked Nurse Alex...but let's face it, that scene is hot because of her ;)Any scene Bruce Campbell is in:
Honestly, I shouldn't really have to say much...just look at him. Do you see it? Do you see it?! DO YOU SEE IT?! You do? Good. I'll leave you alone now.The scene no one expected in The Stepfather:
I was in no way prepared for this scene but I'll admit it was a nice surprise. I don't know about you, but my dad looks NOTHING like this. Thank god. Terry O'Quinn is a fox, even if he's gonna kill me...Jody Pearson and his pantie biting in Phantasm:
This scene is ridiculously hot. Not only do you get to see his absolutely PERFECT booty, but the man can remove his woman's panties off of her...with his teeth. That's a skill most of the male population cannot achieve so I give mad props to any guy who can. Way to show how it's done Jody.

Special Mentions to : Kevin Bacon's Bulge in F13, A terrified Rod Lane in NOES, and the two kids that end up stuck together mid-screw in F13 II

THE LADIES:

Santanico's Snake Dance in From Dusk Til Dawn:

It's Salma Hayek in a bikini, with a snake around her...and she's a vampire. What more do you people want?! She's one of the hottest women ever and she's dancing around half naked with a phallic object. Vampire Freaking Stripper…Never in my life have I ever wanted more to be bitten by a woman than I have after watching this. I bet you agree."I've never kept anything from him..." in Cemetery Man
Really? You want me to explain why? Just look at the picture...Trash takes off her clothes again in Return of the Living Dead:
Linnea Quigley is without a doubt the queen of sexy horror scenes. There isn't a single movie where she isn't just an absolute vixen. ROTLD is no exception. She put quite a few horror nerds through puberty with her cemetery strip tease and dance with that plastic vag of hers. Her legendary full-frontal graveyard dance is officially the most necessary gratuitous nude scene in movie history. Plus, she’s one of three people on the planet to make pink hair sexy...not to mention the fact she stays naked the rest of the film.I have to be nude for half the movie? Fine by me. Cat People:
The lips that drove men crazy long before Angelina. The character Irena in the remake of Cat People (which is a film already swarming with sex) makes panthers look sexy, and there is something about that iconic movie poster that makes it harder to walk…The 2nd best reason to never watch the remake (other than the entire fucking film) of The Wicker Man:
Britt Ekland and her dance to end all dances. There is nothing hotter than watching her shake her goods in the throes of Pagan desire. NOTHING.

Special mention: Every naked chick in a slasher pic, Nurse Alex from AAWIL, Baby Firefly, and anything Tiffany Shepis

Friday, February 26, 2010

AN EPIPHANY: HONESTY WITH MY FEELINGS WITH THE HORROR BLOGOSPHERE



I wanted to stay out of this whole thing, I really did. However, I've found that as of late, people are a little unsure of where I stand. The twitter messages and FB chat convos are getting a little out of hand, and I really need to set a few things straight.


Pretty-Scary: Most people are under the impression that I hate Heidi Martinuzzi of Pretty-Scary because she shit talked the Ms. Horror Blogosphere competition which I proudly state I won. Do I hate her? Hell no. I admire the woman like there is no tomorrow. Do I hate how she approached the contest? Yes. Yes I do. Do I respect the hell out of her for stating her mind and not apologizing for it? Yes. Yes I do. I may have been a bit peeved during MHB but now that I look back at it, I was being ridiculously hypocritical. See, here's the thing that's driving me nuts. Everyone seems to LOVE shit talking Heidi because she will outright personally call someone out on something she doesn't approve of. Is that a little harsh? Maybe, but she's not the only person who does it. How come no one has noticed that whenever she talks poorly about something that EVERYONE talks about her personally and sometimes even threatens to physically harm her? Seriously? So she doesn't like you. It happens. Don't go about thanking people for speaking their mind but when someone else speaks their mind but doesn't agree with you...suddenly they're wrong. That's hypocritical. Stop it.

The Rondo Awards: Am I mad I didn't get a nomination? No. So please stop asking me if I am. My blog just turned a year old and I don't talk about classic horror, so I'm not upset. Am I mad with some of the nominations? Yes. I am. Honestly, the Rondos are the "legit" awards, the only awards that IMO count for anything in this blogosphere and a TON of amazing blogs were overlooked. It disappointed me. I'm also really not okay with the fact that such young blogs got in for nominations. That isn't to say I don't enjoy their blogs or I think they're bad people, I just don't think they deserve it. I think its wrong to put in a new blog that has a cool gimmick or one that hasn't been updated in two months over someone who updates more frequently, has been around longer, and actually discusses what the Rondos are all about. Kudos for getting in, but unfortunately my vote went to someone I feel truly epitomizes what the horror genre is all about.

B-D's Blog Awards: I only advertised for this once, and I checked the polls the day before, and I was only 2% behind the top 3 people. Considering how hard people pandered for this contest, I'm damn proud of myself. When it comes to these awards...that's all you SHOULD care about is yourself and not any one else. So no offense, but I don't really care who won. It was an award where anyone could be nominated and anyone could win and anyone could vote...yeah. Doesn't hold much water to me.
Mr. Horror Blogosphere 'O9: Chuck...you've got some balls man. This blogosphere was just in a downright UPROAR over awards and you're cranking out this one. I have mad respect for you for willingly putting yourself in this line of fire. I honestly don't think its going to cause as much confrontation as the other one, but kudos to you man. I'll definitely be voting, after all...I'm pretty sure a ceremonial slow dance to "Blue Moon" with me is in order for whoever is crowned.



Hopefully I didn't offend anyone, if at all. I just honestly was tired of replying to the same things about 100 times.

peace, love, & brains :D

Thursday, February 25, 2010

NIGHTMARES: THE SCARIEST THING WE NEVER DISCUSS.


Hello Womanizers, it has been a while since I've actually "written" anything and I thought it would be necessary to let you all know what's going on. As you know, I've had a little bit of a problem with the whole "sleeping" thing. It's gotten to the point where I have unfortunately been forced to withdraw from university in order to get this thing under control and fixed. It's a very scary and strange process but I'd like to thank all of you for your get well emails and your everlasting support. It means the world to me. I promise :). So I don't sleep, and it is one of the most horrifying things in the world...but what about when I do sleep? Well, one of two things happens. Either, my body puts me into a small coma...or I am awakened from a seriously deranged and most likely 19 years of horror film induced nightmare. Which got me thinking...why don't we disuss nightmares all that often? Well, other than Freddy and his adventures on Elm Street I mean....Regardless, I'm doing it. :}Nightmares are dreams that cause strong emotional responses from the sleeper, typically fear or horror. The dream may contain situation(s) of danger, discomfort, or psychological or physical distress. Sometimes dreams include paranormal, fantastic, or imaginary situations like ghosts or monsters. Sufferers are usually woken in a state of distress, and might be unable to go back to sleep for a prolonged period. Nightmares can have physical affect such as sleeping in an uncomfortable or awkward position, moving erratically, or having a fever. Nightmares can also have emotional and psychological causes, such as stress or anxiety. Sometimes eating before bed, which triggers an increase in the body's metabolism and brain activity, is a potential stimulus for nightmares. Occasional nightmares are commonplace, but recurrent nightmares can interfere with sleeping patterns and cause insomnia, and may require medical help. In other words, nightmares can be very serious and much more than just a scary dream

Sadly, there are people that suffer from night terrors. Nightmares occur during the dream phase of sleep known as REM sleep. Most people enter the REM stage of sleep sometime after 90 minutes of sleep. The circumstances of the nightmare will frighten the sleeper, who usually will wake up with a vivid memory of a long movie-like dream. Night terrors, on the other hand, occur during a phase of deep non-REM sleep usually within an hour after the subject goes to bed. This is also known as stage 4. During a night terror, which may last anywhere from five to twenty minutes, the person is still asleep, although the sleepers eyes may be open. When the subject does wake up, they usually have no recollection of the episode other than a sense of fear. This, however, is not always the case. Quite a few people interviewed can remember portions of the night terror, and some remember the whole thing. People who suffer from night terrors often experience sudden awakening from sleep, persistent fear or terror that occurs at night, screaming, sweating, confusion, rapid heart rate, inability to explain what happened, usually no recall of "bad dreams" or nightmares, may have a vague sense of frightening images. Many people see spiders, snakes, animals or people in the room, are unable to fully awake, difficult to comfort, with no memory of the event on awakening the next day.

For simplicity, when it comes to films exploiting nightmares...Wes Craven did it most notably. It may not be the best, but it is the one we all know and love. How freaking scary is it that you can't sleep? I for one know firsthand that lack of sleep causes major problems. Other than the fact you walk around the earth like a zombie, you also will eventually start to hallucinate. There was a straight up zombie outbreak in my dorm hallway...I saw it. I swear. I also saw excessive amounts of spiders crawling out of the creek by my dorm and my roommate had 4 heads at one point. It's scary. So you can't sleep which causes all these problems but when you DO sleep you're attacked by a burned up/child killing/razor hand man...what the fuck are you supposed to do? It's a proven fact that you'll die from sleep deprivation before starvation so in reality...you're sort of screwed. Why we haven't marketed more off of this shocks me. Not to say there aren't other films that include nightmares (chances are I've seen that weird obscure film from Switzerland but I'm not mentioning it for simplicity, so please don't say "but what about this film" because the regular non-horror obsessed population hasn't seen it...) but you have to be realistic that we haven't had them all that often. When we DO have them, they're only a small bit of the film. Perfect example: Orphan. When the reviews started spewing out whether positive or negative, it seemed to be the general consensus that the opening nightmare scene was horrifying. I have to agree. It was seriously terrifying and was a fantastic way to start the film. The same could be said for H2. As much as I detest that piece of trash, the opening nightmare is phenomenal.No matter what we're afraid of, where we live, how nice our bed is, or who we are...everyone is vulnerable to the tortures of our unconscious. Do yourself a favor, and get some sleep...if you dare.

oh, and here's the new nightmare on elm street trailer. just because :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

GOD DAMN I LOVE THE INTERNET.

















unrelatedcaptions.com

say goodbye to any productivity you thought you'd have for work tomorrow.
these are just the psuedo horror referencing ones I came across.
trust me.
they get better.
MUCH better.

NOT THE SATELLITE: A TWITTER TALE...WITH ZOMBIES

Today is February 22, 2010. As I type this on my macbook I have three tabs open of three different and completely unrelated websites, skype messager, iChat, and meebo running messaging systems, facebook as well as facebook chat, and of course the every present tweetdeck. Our society is over caffeinated, over stimulated, over wired, and over networked. It's almost impossible to even network yourself anymore without having one all of these little tools. And thus....Not The Satellite is born.

If you were in the mix of a zombie apocalypse, desperate to find other survivors, and armed only with your blackberry...what would you do? TWEET. duh. Let's be honest, we have kids who can't take a crap anymore without tweeting it and if there was a zombie outbreak...they'd be tweeting that too.

This is an ongoing "twitter tale" about a man struggling to survive this zombie pandemic, to explain the information he knows about the outbreak, and a look into what is important to us when everything we have crumbles around them. Not the Satellite is brought to you by Christopher Zenga...the guy who made the awesomely titalizing zombie portrait of yours truly.

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