Friday, December 10, 2010

ELEVEN THINGS I WANT FROM 2011

As I noted yesterday, 2010 wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Since 2011 is peeking its head around the corner, I had full intent to write a letter to the delightful 2011 year.  Yet, you all gobble up lists like Four Loko the day before the ban takes place...so I've whipped one up for you.  This may be a bit cynical, and it may be a bit sarcastic, but it's  absotively exactly what I'm expectingcraving for this upcoming year.

1) I WANT A REMAKE THAT DOESN'T SUCK. We got lucky, VERY lucky with Let Me In. With the overwhelming amount of remakes in the near future, the least filmmakers can do is provide us with a remake that doesn't suck harder than Khloe Kardashian after a Lakers victory.

2) I WANT SILENT HILL 2 TO NOT SUCK.
Someone asked me the other day what my obsessive deal was when it comes to wanting things not to suck.  Sorry for wanting quality films?  I guess?  Either way, I love everything SH related and I've been waiting for the sequel for far too long.  It would be nice if it wasn't muff cabbage.

3) I WANT THE NEXT CHILDREN OF THE CORN INSTALLMENT TO BE CANCELLED
Is that really too much to ask for? Children of the Corn has become the "Land Before Time" of horror films.  THEY JUST WON'T STAY DEAD.

4) I WANT POSTER ART AS BEAUTIFUL AS FUNNY GAMES
I may have been slacking off a bit when it comes to my Terrible Poster Tuesday series, but I have a deep and abiding affection for beautiful poster art.  I haven't been as blown away by poster art in a long while.  This year seemed to be extremely lackluster and photoshop driven...let's see if we can fix that.  My suggestion is that we put an ad out for hipster kids armed with old school cameras everywhere and promise them an endless supply of scarves for every good picture they can take on set and turn into a poster.  When they ask for scarves, just tell them you recommended it ironically. Hipsters love irony.

5) IT'S MY WALKING DEAD SEASON 2, AND I WANT IT NOW!
I'm not approving of this whole waitingtiloctoberforseasontwo nonsense.  It's ridiculous.  It's not like I'm going to protest outside AMC or go on a hunger strike...I'm just going to be bouncing impatiently until October like that of a child dragged to the mall for back to school shopping after drinking four boxes of Juicy Juice and denied a bathroom until they pick out what pair of tennis shoes they're going to scuff up first.  I blame Obama.

6) I WANT THE THING REMAKE TO FALL APART
I'm all for Elizabeth (Ramona Flowers) Winstead to get more horror roles, but the fact the industry has decided to create a prequel for a near-perfect film makes me want to commit despicable acts...like de-bearding a mall Santa in front of a crowd of small children the night before Christmas. I am praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster as hard as humanly possible for this film to fall apart and never see the light of day. Part of the beauty of that damn creature is not knowing what the hell it is.  Yet, thanks to idiot American mindsets, we have to know what it is...I'm pretty sure its going to successfully be shown and Wilford Brimley is going to roll in his diabeetus driven grave.

7) I WANT A NEW SCREAM QUEEN.
That's really all there is to it. I'm over everyone else.  I can't remember a time (recently) where there was a horror actress who starred in predominately horror films, and was much more than just a pretty face.  I'm sorry, but Shawnee Smith has less emotional delivery than a jar of mayonnaise.  I'm sick of horror films being centered around these gorgeous women who can't do anything more than scream high pitched and look constipated.  Hell, most child actors have more delivery than half the girls cast in horror films.  I'm aware that boobs go with blood better than paper cranes and the number one thousand...but can we please remember that in movies people have to, I don't know...ACT?!

8) I WANT A MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE CAN ACT
This branches off of the last one, but can we start casting stupid teenagers who are acting like stupid teenagers and not...themselves?
9) I WANT A MONSTER
I'll be the first to say it...I'm SICK of slashers, haunting, and exorcisms.  We seem to go back to our roots often enough with remakes and such, but never seem to pay homage to the very films that spawned the genre.  There is nothing more I want from this genre than a new monster.  Monsters are the things that used to freak us out as children, and I'm sure there's SOME undergrown Lovecraftian creature just begging to be let out.

10) I WANT SOMETHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
Darren Aronofsky came damn close in this department, but I would love to see another intelligent and moving horror film.  The horror genre tends to be seen as nothing more than boobs, blood, zombies, and jump scares. If we want to be taken seriously, we sort of have to play the game.  The better quality of films we crank out, the more money we'll be given to create more films, etc. etc. etc.  It's all a big game, and we need to start playing.  LTROI became a cult hit, yes, but we need to step up our game and produce more films like it.

11) I WANT YOU TO SPREAD THE WOMANIZER ARMY
Okay, not really. I just want to break 1,000,000 hits...
and 1,000 friends of Day of the Woman on Facebook.
I know, huge dream...but I think we can make it happen!

7 comment(s):

Spike Ghost said...

http://www.morehorror.com/Death-Of-Scream-Queens-and-The-New-Blood538211 there's a pretty neat list there with some really talented actresses like Melissa George or Danielle Harris, but yeah you're right there's no Queen that reached the Jamie Lee Curtis Level yet for the decade... i hope we will see more or at least these ones rise.

Planet of Terror said...

I thought the Last House on the Left remake was pretty stellar.

I'm pretty sure that latest incarnation of The Thing is a prequel, right? I could be wrong.

You just might get your wish with a monster film as there are a whole slew of alien films (Battle of LA, Apollo 18) and a potential monster film in Super 8. And I think the Host II comes out in 2011as well.

And in terms of features (more indie than mainstream) where people can act, check out In Memorium and Dawning. You can thank me later :)

Anonymous said...

I really hope Silent Hill 2 will be a blast as well! Do you know any similar movies? thanks

btw, from what movie or such is the top banner picture from?? Looks like some jungle type of movie (Apocalypto?) Please tell me which..bye

Syd Lexia said...

I'd like to see Jess Weixler do more horror roles. She'd make a pretty good scream queen.

christine said...

Wilford Brimley isn't dead.

Bill said...

The only way any of the above might happen is if you get your winsome self out there amongst the common folk. But, seriously, minus anything that limps its way into October, I predict there is going to be at least a two year long dry spell for horror films, released to theaters after this year's box- office returns. If it doesn't have Abram's name attached, or isn't a Paranormal or Saw sequel, fuggetaboutit.

JennyB said...

I agree Children of the Corn really needs to stop. Even though the orginal Children of the Corn is the love of my life, the remake sucked and killed the series.

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