I’m Brittney-Jade’s soul sister, you’d assume I know a thing or two about the horror genre.
DING DING DING! You are correct! However, while I share her adoration of Italian gore films and
zombies, there’s one franchise we consistently disagree about: SAW. I am a certified fanatic. Seriously,
it surprises people; I’ve got the corny merch from the blood drives, the promo posters, the DVD giftbox
sets (including the baller Special Edition Saw V with a rotating mechanical blade). I stalk the pre-release
trailers, illegally downloaded the computer game, and have made a point to attend every midnight
showing since legally allowed (yeah, I was one of those 16-year-olds who snuck into Saw II, believe it!).
Needless to say, I was PUMPED for Saw VII, also known as The Movie Regrettably Titled Saw 3D.
Whatever, I would take the 3D sell-out with a grain of salt and watch the beautiful ending to the
franchise that’s taken over a third of my life. I counted down the minutes for months, and finally, on
October 29th at 12:01 am, I found the greatest disappointment in my life.
atrocity of a concept behind, but the movie lacked every signature Saw trademark of the past six pieces.
There was no eerie green tint, no lulling suspense, no crazy-stop-motion-panic that was so akin to the
trap victims. And the extra five dollars I dished out to watch this POS in 3D gave me maybe two scenes of
intestines flying at my face. COOL.
And the traps? Oh, don’t even get me started. The store front lovers scene that opened the
movie was a complete joke. Save for Saw IV, each sequel’s opening scene/trap has exquisitely set the
tone for the rest of the movie, but this trap was just pointless. Who are these three people and why do I
care? Bro gets played by ho who’s dating another bro. Bro kills bro or bro kills ho. This isn’t the Jersey
Shore and I really don’t care about these two idiots and their t-shirts or their dumb broad hanging on the
ceiling. Dear god, I was hoping the trap would just kill them all. I called chicken on Jill’s Blade Train trap,
we’ve already seen impaled ribs before the See No Evil trap, and the publicist deserved every second of
the Speak No Evil trap for not being able to shut hers. Almost every single trap or fate in this edition has
already been seen before (The Angel Trap/Saw III and The Breathing Room/Saw VI), from the x-rays of
the Wisdom Combination trap (Venus Fly trap/Saw II), the burning of the Brazen Bull Oven (a more gruesome version of Obi’s Furnace trap/Saw II). Hell, the vicious Classroom Trap that made everyone cringe during Saw III is used not only once in the Horsepower Trap, but TWICE, secondly to seal Bobby’s fake as a liar-liar-pants-on-fire – which, by the way, wasn’t even clear from the start of the film.
The greatest mistake made by the writing and production team of Saw 3D was their entire
disregard for making me care. Instead of building on previously featured characters as many of the
previous six have so brilliantly done, Saw 3D is a chock full of randos, none of whom I really feel any
sympathy towards whatsoever. Even Bobby’s “Sawed-Off Anonymous” group lacks the presence of the
plethora of familiar faces we’d expect. Sure, we get Simone, the angry amputee, Emily (Saw VI), Mallick
(Saw VI) and Addy, the old lady who no one remembers, but their cameos do nothing for the plot or
progression of the series. What about Brit, the sasspants who will permanently represent Dr. Spock
whenever she raises her hand in class? Or Daniel, the Shia Lebouf-resembling son of Detective
Matthews? Or Tara and Brent, the mother-son team forever changed by dooming William to the Wicked
Witch sentence? There were so many freaking fabulous possibilities for character updates and twists, but
instead we got a stupid-last-minute-addition-lawnmower-floor trap. Oh goody! (*Note: For a real
lawnmower hacking, check out Dead Alive, thanks.)
In conclusion, Saw 3D is half-baked at best. It’s trying to cram an entirely new storyline focus
that took ten hours to build into a measly 91 minutes. I appreciate the revival of Dr. Gordon, I do -- and
the sick way he puts his M.D. to use on that hot pipe -- but it feels like the writers had an extra ten
minutes of film tape and a contract with Cary Elwes . Even if it were adequately intertwined, the
switcheroo has become too Saw-cliché to be surprising (first it’s really Amanda, then it’s really
Hoffman…pretty soon we’ll just find out John’s a sextuplet). It’s also extraordinarily apparent through
the entire film that Saw VIII is ready for its 2011 release. There are so many loose ends left by both the
previous six sequels and this “final chapter” that to deny the release of an additional movie would
enrage both fans and Lionsgate investors alike. Why was Jill still interested in continuing John’s work
after she divorced him? What happened to Dr. Gordon’s wife and daughter? Who the frack are the two
pig masks accompanying Gordon on his kidnapping of Hoffman, and HOW THE HELL WAS JOHN ALIVE AND WELL ENOUGH TO GET A COPY OF BOBBY’S BOOK?!
If it’s not already obvious enough by the lack of answers, Betsey Russell spilled the beans on
the “unbelievable idea” the writers discovered whilst filming. So unless Lionsgate would like my severed
right foot express mailed to their P.O. Box, I expect that my Halloweekend tradition live on at least for
one more chance at the perfect “final chapter.”