Tuesday, July 6, 2010

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: PIRANHA 3-D

My goodness, it has been such a long while since I've woken up to the stench of a steaming pile of shit in poster form. However, nothing brings me greater delight than spending a Tuesday afternoon showcasing some of the most terrible movie posters the horror genre has managed to crank out. Yes, you are reading this right...it is the return of TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!

This delightful little ball of failure has been released as the French one-sheet for Alexandre Aja's highly anticipated Piranha 3-D. Now, there seems to be quite the fan following over this poster. "Oh, but it's an homage to Jaws" they'll try to tell me. "Oh, it's such a throwback!" they plead. Uh...no. I define an homage or a throwback to be something that is equally as captivating or at least on the same level. This sad excuse for a poster is just the product of a lazy marketing campaign. I'm sorry, but this poster blows major league ass. I'm not even saying the good kind of ass that as a functioning human I'd enjoy looking at...since that's blocked by her floating chair of boredom anyway.

This poster promises a film of sex, sea, and blood. All I'm seeing is a standard chick on a flotation device, some water that hasn't been affected by BP, and some poorly photoshopped fish with big teeth. I want a naked chick being ripped to shreds underneath the red stained water with a deflating raft above her! This is lazy as hell! I seriously think this chick was taken off of a Carnival cruise-line ad and photoshopped into the water. The one thing I will give it, is that I love posters with good font, and this one has some pretty good font. However, there's nothing that makes me want to see this in 3-D. SHOW ME A GIANT FISH ABOUT TO DEMOLISH THIS HARPY!

I can't even give them respect for the 70's style "folded" appearance to it. The fish are so faded and poorly made, it doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as the wonderful animals run amok films of yesteryear. Maybe the poster could have been a little more inspiring if the killer piranha's didn't look like this:

4 comment(s):

Ben Bussey said...

I must respectfully disagree. Whilst I too would appreciate the spectacle of a naked chick being ripped to shreds on the poster, this still does it for me. Maybe it's the hint of folds in the layout and yellowing at the edges, giving it that vintage feel. I'm a sucker for that shit.

Anyway, if the word is right the movie itself isn't going to hold back on naked chicks ripped to shreds, so roll on August.

Tempest Nightingale LeTrope said...

I don't like to nitpick, except when the door has been opened to nitpicking. Aren't piranhas fresh water fish? Wouldn't they die an agonizing death in the ocean? And as to sex, wouldn't that rubber raft collapse if one attempted to have sexual relations on it? I've heard of, and might consider sex on the beach, but not sex on a rubber raft in the middle of the ocean. That is an activity which is destined for failure.
This ridiculous poster may fit the movie quite well, actually, as the premise is rather silly.

Anonymous said...

You´re right and the Sea Sex and Blood thing recalls one of Gainsbourg´s songs which for a frenchie-directed flick is kind of lame

Marc Patterson said...

Yeah - I'm with Ben and I have to disagree on this. Quite a lot about this pops as exciting and full of action actually. Here's a bikini clad gal lazily relaxing on the lake on her inflatable raft. She doesn't suspect a thing. Beneath her the water is thick with vicious piranha that are about to devour her. Yes, they are subdued in look, but aren't they supposed to be a bit? They are emerging from the deep right? The poster doesn't deliver payoff, but the promise of it. You only get to see the blood if you buy a ticket and see the film. The poster builds anticipation for that through imminent danger.

The only thing I really question is the word "sea", since again - they're on a lake. But hey... "sea, sex..." it's just better alliteration.

I guess it just goes to prove that art is truly subjective to taste.

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