Tuesday, June 8, 2010

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: THE TWATLIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

I'm so sorry my darling Womanizers, I've been such a terrible blog writer. I started my online courses, and the summer session of baton is in full swing...so my free time is less than to be desired. Don't you fret, mommy's here and she's bringing you two of your favorite things. I'm celebrating this week's Terrible Poster Tuesday with an ol' fashioned Twatlight bash. I will say one thing, the marketing people behind Twatlight have really eased up on the throat shoving promotions. I guess they finally wised up and realized treating a movie the way Jehovah's Witnesses treat the bible isn't the best way to get non-twi-hards in the theatre seats. It wasn't until about a week or so that I actually got a hold of this atrocity. Unlucky for me, there's a lone poster to rip on. I like to be concieted and believe that the marketing guru's behind these films saw my last Twatlight TPT and figured they didn't need more than one shitty poster. This one contains our three main characters, and I've decided to focus on each of them individually. Hope you don't mind.

As I am American and thus read left to right, let me begin with our pussy vampire, Edward Cullen. Oh Eddy, what are we going to do with you? I first need to compliment you on your new lipstick. Darling, the color looks absolutely FABULOUS on you. Is that "Naked Paris" by MAC? If so, I definitely have the same one. I see that your hair has lost a bit of its volume too. Maybe it was the extra hair gel added in for this photo to make it sparkle as bright as your skin in sunlight...or maybe it's because you're in desperate need of a shower. Seriously, I think gas prices are so high because all the oil is in your follicles. I also need to recommend that you stop clenching your jaw so much. It may make your jaw look extra chizzled, but that is absolutely terrible for your teeth. I had that problem when I slept, they gave me this awesome plastic retainer to help out, I'll loan you mine if you really need it. I gotta ask though, what the HELL is going on with your facial expression? You're making the same face I make when my mom asks me to read what the sign on the highway says at 2am in the pouring rain. It's a combination of confusion, seriousness, and constipation. It's not a good look for you, and if you don't watch out...those caterpillars you're harboring above your eyes are going to escape.

Now onto the whiny, bland teenage girl of the century, Miss Bella Swan. I must first ask that you take a deep breath and say it with me..."SUNLIGHT". My god woman, you're a mortal and you are about three shades lighter than glitterjizz behind you. I also want to know if you were ever picked on as a child...since your left eye is clearly more open than your right one. I should stop being such a hater, you probably didn't get any sleep last night is all. No wonder you look so dazed and bored out of your damn mind. You should also thank the airbrush people handsomely, they actually made your hair look voluminous. Kudos.

Lastly we have the six pack, wolf wonder, Jacob Black. Jacob, how much Pro-Activ do you use a week? Seriously. For someone who clearly drenches their body in baby oil, you have impeccable skin. Wait, that's airbrushed...you're about two shades lighter in real life. Oh nevermind, it's just that magic fog that only surrounds your lower half and not your torsos and faces. I'm such doof sometimes. Jacob darling, I've said it before and I'll say it again...making eye contact through your eyebrows does NOT make you look more intimidating. You're making a face that resembles the bad attitude my teenage sister has when my parents take her car keys. Find a new face bud, stat.

I'd also like to take a special moment to commemorate the film's tagline which was obviously stolen from your friendly neighborhood abortion clinic. It's a wonderful thing when even Twatlight is on your side, I expect a high spike in the services performed at your clinics. All you brokers out there heard it here first, invest in abo-clinics! Thanks Stephanie Meyer!

(NOTE: I am pro-choice, but the comparison was too obvious to pass up)

3 comment(s):

Pax Romano said...

Much needed laugh after a long, long day. Thanks - brilliant!

Monster Scholar said...

I cannot wait for this limp noodle of a movie to hit the dollar theater. I refuse to spend more than two bits to see this film so I can summarily diembowel it. Peace.

tutorial for seo said...

You're making a face that resembles the bad attitude my teenage sister has when my parents take her car keys. Find a new face bud, stat.

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