Tuesday, June 29, 2010


As horror fans, we have the underlining annoyance of sparkly vampires lingering over our heads. There seems to be a overly obsessive fad of characters mocking the very genre we spend a lifetime loving. It’s next to impossible to rock a fanged t-shirt without being bombarded by teenage girls asking where we got it. It’s absolutely disgusting, but it is the way of the new millennium I suppose. I do a whole lot of Twilight bashing. I’ve eloquently nicknamed the saga “Twatlight” to describe both the characters and the fans. I was recently given the challenge of fixing Twilight. I know, I know, it sounds absolutely preposterous and impossible…but I think I can do it. If the entire world is going to be obsessed with vampires, damn it, they should be vampires that horror fans can obsess over as well.

FIRST: The vampire mythology needs to be restored, ASAFP. I understand that having a vampire boyfriend would put a serious damper on your ability to see him at school, but the glitter bullshit has got to go. One of the most mysterious and sexy attributes to a vampire is his inability to be in direct sunlight. The only men I know who wear glitter are professional dancers, and drag queens. Unless I’m at a Rocky Horror Picture Show outing, I would rather be the one to sparkle. He can still be the “perfect faced” pretty boy he is now, because in all honesty…vampires are sexy as hell. However, the idea of a vampire being able to survive off of animal blood is absolutely ridiculous. If any other vampire films or stories have taught us anything, it’s that vampires who eat animals are pussies. Every monster has a form of conflict, and the decision to kill innocent bystanders in order to feed is the inner conflict of vampires. If you take away the conflict, their so called “problem” is about the equivalent of being lactose intolerant.

WHY IT FIXES IT: With the mythology restored, it would create an extremely interesting storyline. A girl would be falling in love with someone who could actually kill them and must be a secret relationship in fear that he’ll burst into flames. Classmates would be mysteriously disappearing left and right causing the conflict of whether or not to tell on the one she truly loves in order to save the innocent lives of her friends.

SECOND: The female lead is one of the most obnoxious characters in existence. When these fangirls obsess over the film, they never mention Bella. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S AN IDIOT. All of these girls want to be Bella, and she’s an absolutely terrible role model. I’m not saying you should make her good at everything, but at least make her somewhat admirable. She’s a whiny, boring, dependent, idiotic, brat. How in God’s name she has all of these guys vying for her affection completely baffles me. At least make her a singer, a poet, an artist, a blogger, SOMETHING that people can find impressive and translatable without being cliche. She needs to be a woman that girls should aspire to be. Bella is EXTREMELY dependent on Edward or Jacob and makes absolutely terrible life choices when she’s without one of them. She needs to be a bit more independent and strong.

WHY IT FIXES IT: It takes a huge chunk of the annoyance factor out of the story. Bella’s character alone makes me want nothing to do with the series. She offers absolutely nothing positive to the female’s role in society and always looks constipated. It would give a positive role model to the obsessed fans, and a character horror fans could accept.

THIRD: The Wolf pack needs to be more animalistic. I just don’t buy it. These boys look less like wolves and more like collies. I recall the scene from New Moon when they all pass by Bella and leave her alone. When have you EVER seen a wolf just leave someone alone? I believe there should be at least some sort of struggle to keep human nature in tact when they’re in their animal form. I understand that they have human qualities, but their shape-shifting powers seem less like powers and more like inconveniences. Oh crap, now I’m that hairy dog again. Let me go brood in the corner about the fur covering my washboard abs…They feel less threatening and more like some dumb punks who just fuck around with their shirts off. There are even hints of violent tendencies of the wolves, but you never see it. The wolves could be pushed so much farther than they are. I’ll even let you keep the shirtless frolicking if you give them some anger. When it comes down to it, Jacob should me so much more manipulative and scary. He’s too goody-goody for his own good.

WHY IT FIXES IT: Adding the danger and intensity of the wolf pack makes the Team Edward/Team Jacob conflict all the more severe. I’ve never once thought that Edward was in any way going to lose Bella unless he gave her up himself. It was always VERY predictable as to who was going to win her heart. If the wolf pack becomes the vicious creatures they should be, it actually strikes fear that Bella could very well lose her love in a creatures of the night battle royale.

FOURTH: The so-called love story needs to follow its own rules. The main conflict between Edward and Bella is that he’s a fucking vampire. Yet, for being a 108 year old virgin…he has remarkable restraint. I’m not just saying in the bedroom, but in the bloodstream as well. All of Edward’s supposedly “romantic” actions, are downright creepy. He watches her as she sleeps, he doesn’t kill her, and he tells her what to do. Right now, what you see is Edward as the controlling, possibly abusive man, and Bella as the weak woman who will do whatever he says. Relationships like this are the reason colleges put hotline numbers in the bathroom stalls. Edward has a problem. He drinks blood, he wants hers, but he is in love with her. The struggle with this needs to be amplified way more than it is. Like he says, almost like a drug addict. Since Bella loves him back, she wants to be the support system there for him, and much like a drug addict, some days need to be better than others. He needs to work his way through it and have possible relapses. Edward’s family have had fall outs where they’ve wanted to eat her, but Edward barely does. On the couple of occasions he’s slightly given in, she’s been unharmed and still remained hopelessly devoted to him. She needs to keep space at times and let him battle his own demons. It keeps the loving relationship in tact, but makes it much more believable.

WHY IT FIXES IT: Everyone wins. These obsessed fangirls can continue to obsess over the “love story of the century” and the rest of the world doesn’t want to stab things with a knife. The most frustrating thing about the so-called chemistry is its lack of convincability. Stephanie Meyer had a great idea for a love story, and kind of lost it all in the process. If the tortured love story is what these kids want, then the tortured love story is what they should get. If the love story was truly genuine, people outside of the Twi-Hard world won’t be nearly as annoyed.



4 comment(s):

Dr Blood said...

Buff and Angel were better. It's a pity that Twilight replaced them. Good blog though.

Pidde Andersson said...

How about this:

Anonymous said...

I think I love you... no seriously, everything that I haven't been able to say or get too angry and frustrated with people that defend it, you have said it all right here. I've finally found someone who hates this series as much, if not way more than I do. Kudos!

Kweeny Todd said...

All I have to say is <3.

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