Saturday, May 29, 2010

BITCH OF THE MONTH: David from Shaun of the Dead

I don't make the rules when it comes to gender stereotypes, but it is VERY possible for a man to be a bitch. Instead of being a "hormonal, obnoxious, callous, hosebeast" like a bitch-woman, men are just "whiny, unwilling to cooperate, stubborn, and wimpy" bitches. So instead of doing the usual catty girl from a slasher film, this time I'm showcasing the biggest male bitch in horror from the last 10 years, David from Shaun of the Dead.

Oh Davs, you pathetic little Nancy Boy...where do I even begin with you? Let's start with your inability to accept anyone's ideas other than your own. When the zombie outbreak occurs, you badger Shaun's ideas left and right without ever thinking of anything yourself. Although you haven't contributed ANYTHING to help the survival of your friends, you still give off an aura that you know best. It honestly makes me want to go into the TV screen and punch you square in the glasses. Not to mention, when Shaun comes to rescue your sorry ass from your zombie infested flat, you completely rub the salt in his wounds that Shaun is attempting to rescue his 24 hour ex girlfriend of 3 years. Really? REALLY?! You're being invaded by flesh hungry mutant freaks and all you care about it bitching that someone has come to rescue you? Suck it up, grab a blunt object, and get the hell out of dodge!

Then there's the whole whining about everything. The start of the freaking apocalypse is upon you and all you can complain about is that you're walking to a pub. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had direct signal telling you that the police stations were fully functional. I guess while you're at it, you can whip out your mini-van that can comfortably seat the rest of your mates...oh wait, you don't believe in owning a car in London. Once you finally reach your destination, you complain that you're there! Okay, I get that a pub isn't the first thing I'd think of when speaking of an impenetrable fortress...BUT THERE AREN'T ANY ZOMBIES! It isn't until YOU sir broke the window and drew attention to yourselves that the zombies even figured out a way to get in the pub. You were perfectly safe for a good while without having to worry about anyone eating you. Yet, you still bitch. If you really want to go back out with the zombies, be my guest. I'm not stopping you.

Can we also discuss your absolute selfishness and heartlessness? First you only date Diana because Liz rejected your ass, then you talk shit on Shaun because Liz likes him better, and then you confess your love while you're holding a gun to someone. My god man. She doesn't like you! GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Sheesh, you pansy. Then there's the whole wanting to kill Shaun's mom. I get that she's going to be a zombie...but give the man a final moment. She's not going to turn instantly, he doesn't need his final moments with his mom to be putting a bullet through her head. At LEAST let her change so it becomes more real that she's fully "gone". We all know you only put the gun up because you hate Shaun, you bitch.

Despite absolutely loving everything about the film, I was so happy to see you die. I figured from the beginning that you were going to go, and seeing you ripped to shreds sort of gave me a hurrah moment. I did sympathize with Diana, but then again...she's a fool for being with someone who wants to be with someone else. David, you're kind of a douchebag and I wasn't tore up to see you go. It was nice to finally be able to feel the final moments of the film with characters I actually cared about and didn't want to punch in the face. You were a total whiny bitch the entire film and in the words of the great one, "Get fucked, four eyes".

8 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

He's one of those actors who's so good at playing a jerk in a movie that I hate him in any other movie he's in, residually.

BJ Colangelo said...

Oh, I love the actor. I think he's bloody brilliant. He's like Marcia Gay Harden, such a good actor you could just punch them for being that damn believable.

Unknown said...

Spot on! I don't know if I ever directly called him a "bitch" or if it was "whiny little wanker" but either way, yes he is!

David said...

He's played by Dylan Moran, an Irish comedian. He's one of the best stand ups out there. Check out Black Books, a sitcom he's the main character in, written by Graham Linnehan.

Pax Romano said...

I know several men just like him, and I hate them with the energy of ten thousand suns.

Great post, little girl!

Strange Kid said...

Haha, "nancy-boy." You nailed it right on the head, BJ.

Anonymous said...

At first I thought that was a picture of Hairy Potter.

No lies.

The Igloo Keeper said...

He WAS right though. Shaun got them all killed.

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