Sunday, May 2, 2010


In the sixth installment of A Nightmare On Elm Street, Freddy Krueger proclaims, "Every town has an Elm Street!" Despite the baby raping and child murdering, the man is right. Every town has a place that scares the living ba-jesus out of us.

In the genre world, horror films and franchises do not rely only on the villains, but on the setting as well. These are the places often emblazoned on our nerdy horror T-shirts, and which we reference in jokes made while navigating shady neighborhoods (since our idiot counterparts don't know how to read a flippin' map.) So I've compiled a dandy little list of a cinematic realtor's worst nightmare. You know what they say, "location, location, location"...


Ladies, what we have here is a lovely little Connecticut neighborhood of friendly faces and even friendlier hospitality. On every corner is a lady willing to lend a hand in the kitchen, the home, or even the bedroom! The women are gorgeous, fashionable, kind and always available for your every whim. There's even a fabulous men's club for the boys to get away from the wife and kids. Ladies, all of this can be yours for the low low price of your feminine ideals, identity, opinion, right to choose, and your body!

Congratulations! You have just won an all-expenses-paid vacation to the lush island of Matool. This is your opportunity to bask in the gloriously tropical climate and finally get away from the ol' grind at work. Keep your eye out for the stunning wood work throughout the island, as well as the native people and their infectious need to have you for dinner. Make sure you don't forget to visit the historic cemetery where 16th century conquistadors were buried! If you take a dip in the cool waters, be sure you look out for sharks!

If you're looking for a safe environment free of crime and poverty, Raccoon City is the place for you! Thanks to the world's super-company Umbrella Corp keeping their headquarters in the middle of the city, you can rest assured that you are in the safest place in America. Every day, Raccoon City puts out new advancements in the medical field and you, a citizen of Raccoon City, will be the first to reap their benefits!

Do you enjoy artwork, folklore, and colorful characters in a community? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Cabrini Green is the place for you! Sitting in one of the most diverse areas of Chicago, Cabrini Green is a community full of life, adventure, and mystery. Every day is an exciting one when you live in Cabrini Green!

The idyllic shoreline town of Antonio Bay is one that is rich in history and opportunity. The town is a strong on community pride, has that hometown feel, and also one of the best AM radio stations in all of California. The water is always wonderful in Antonio Bay, and the spirit of the founders resonate within the heart of the town!

Someone once said that you don't pick the house, the house picks you. In this beautiful town, the saying couldn't be more right. Could you imagine living in a town that is well-known the world over? Not only is the beautiful town of Amityville, New York infamously noted in film and literature, but it's also the home of a champion basketball team and the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday! Amityville is a great town in which to raise a family, and at 3:15 a.m. things really get exciting around these parts!

Now if permanent residence isn't up your alley, I have got the perfect vacation spot for you! Witness Dunwich, Massachusetts. A welcoming community, a "vague echo of the decadent Massachusetts countryside" if you will. The fruitful waters contain some breathtaking wildlife, and the Miskatonic University library contains works of literature beyond your imagination!

With its charitable inhabitants, eclectic nightlife, colorful characters and spontaneous citizens, Gotham is the place to be. If you're lucky, you might even catch a glimpse of billionaire playboy, Bruce Wayne. The vast city is even protected by a mysterious masked guardian, who, even if he hasn't reduced the crime rate, at least has made the criminal element far more fascinating!

If the night life isn't exactly your cup of tea, you can always head out to the more rural parts of the country. In beautiful Sleepy Hollow, you're sent to a land of autumn year round, of rich local legends, and the scent of fresh pumpkins in season. The sounds of horse hooves upon cobblestones echo through the air, and the people, my god the people are to die for.

If you're the type of person who would rather come home with souvenirs you could have purchased at home, look no further than Monroeville, Pennsylvania. A town filled with economic promise, Monroeville wants you to blend in with its community. The mall is a great place to go ice skating, have your blood pressure measured, drop a coin in the wishing well, or just slide down the escalator. So come on down and spend those hard-earned, recession-fueled dollars!

There is no tighter bond within a community than that among the townspeople of Vasaria. While a small, quaint town nestled in the mountains of Eastern Europe, Vasaria is a village full of life and new beginnings. The community was also the home of two scientific geniuses who gained international notoriety! If not to settle down, make sure you take the time out to visit the beautiful village... you'd be brainless if you didn't.

No doubt about it, Springwood, Ohio truly is the city that never sleeps. There is absolutely no better place in the entire country to raise children. With great schools, a responsible police force, and the best neighborhood watch community over on Elm Street, Springwood is like something out of a dream.

A family town, Haddonfield, Illinois is the kind of a place where it seems like nearly everyone is related to everyone else. And Halloween is a very special time of year in this town, when grown-ups have been known to get even more into the holiday than the kids! Plus, for those of you with children, there is no shortage of babysitting service available.

Nestled in the heart of Romania, amidst the scenic Carpathanian Mountains, the exotic region of Transylvania boasts a proud history dating back to the Crusades. Majestic castles adorn the landscape, local innkeepers are more than happy serve you up a pint, and the gypsies are always ready to lend some friendly advice. Spend your evenings listening to the sweet music of indigenous wildlife. Regular coach rides are available daily, but be sure to buckle up!

12 comment(s):

Unknown said...

Personally I'm for avoiding Summerisle. Unless I'm the one making the sex.

Cie Cheesemeister said...

I mighta flipped it and put Stepford as #1. I could deal with being a vampire (one that does NOT sparkle, mind) a lot better than I could deal with being a Stepford wife. Because while the Stepford wife option would look like me, only younger, skinnier, and with bigger, perpetually perky boobs, I would have ceased to exist, at least in corporeal form.
I feel the need to point out that the word verification is "glowerma."

Scare Sarah said...

Haha very true. Loving that freddy pic.

The Mike said...

Good stuff. :)

Anonymous said...

No Camp Crystal Lake?

BJ Colangelo said...

I didn't put Crystal Lake because it's more so the camp than anything...and with the track record that place has, you deserve to be killed if you decide to take a job there or send your children.

B-Sol said...

Another brilliant list idea. I always laugh about the Gotham City thing. Here you have Batman dedicating his life to fighting crime and cleaning up the town, and yet his city is probably the most dangerous, crime-ridden place in the entire country! Nice job, Bruce...

Unknown said...

Come on Bri, that's not fair! Why, property damage alone, Batman's probably saved millions! ;)

Will Errickson said...

I'd gladly go to Amityville, but no way could you get me to go swimming at Amity's beach on a 4th of July weekend.

the jaded viewer said...

Matool would be my #1 choice...all you need is a jet ski and a shotgun and its an awesome vacation

Simon said... I to understand that Stepford isn't where the party's out?


I had a friend that lived on the corner of 13th and Elm and was literally 2 blocks from a big fishing lake named Crystal. I'm not kidding...a small town in east central Kansas.

Related Posts with Thumbnails