Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Oh Davs, you pathetic little Nancy Boy...where do I even begin with you? Let's start with your inability to accept anyone's ideas other than your own. When the zombie outbreak occurs, you badger Shaun's ideas left and right without ever thinking of anything yourself. Although you haven't contributed ANYTHING to help the survival of your friends, you still give off an aura that you know best. It honestly makes me want to go into the TV screen and punch you square in the glasses. Not to mention, when Shaun comes to rescue your sorry ass from your zombie infested flat, you completely rub the salt in his wounds that Shaun is attempting to rescue his 24 hour ex girlfriend of 3 years. Really? REALLY?! You're being invaded by flesh hungry mutant freaks and all you care about it bitching that someone has come to rescue you? Suck it up, grab a blunt object, and get the hell out of dodge!
Then there's the whole whining about everything. The start of the freaking apocalypse is upon you and all you can complain about is that you're walking to a pub. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had direct signal telling you that the police stations were fully functional. I guess while you're at it, you can whip out your mini-van that can comfortably seat the rest of your mates...oh wait, you don't believe in owning a car in London. Once you finally reach your destination, you complain that you're there! Okay, I get that a pub isn't the first thing I'd think of when speaking of an impenetrable fortress...BUT THERE AREN'T ANY ZOMBIES! It isn't until YOU sir broke the window and drew attention to yourselves that the zombies even figured out a way to get in the pub. You were perfectly safe for a good while without having to worry about anyone eating you. Yet, you still bitch. If you really want to go back out with the zombies, be my guest. I'm not stopping you.
Can we also discuss your absolute selfishness and heartlessness? First you only date Diana because Liz rejected your ass, then you talk shit on Shaun because Liz likes him better, and then you confess your love while you're holding a gun to someone. My god man. She doesn't like you! GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Sheesh, you pansy. Then there's the whole wanting to kill Shaun's mom. I get that she's going to be a zombie...but give the man a final moment. She's not going to turn instantly, he doesn't need his final moments with his mom to be putting a bullet through her head. At LEAST let her change so it becomes more real that she's fully "gone". We all know you only put the gun up because you hate Shaun, you bitch.
Despite absolutely loving everything about the film, I was so happy to see you die. I figured from the beginning that you were going to go, and seeing you ripped to shreds sort of gave me a hurrah moment. I did sympathize with Diana, but then again...she's a fool for being with someone who wants to be with someone else. David, you're kind of a douchebag and I wasn't tore up to see you go. It was nice to finally be able to feel the final moments of the film with characters I actually cared about and didn't want to punch in the face. You were a total whiny bitch the entire film and in the words of the great one, "Get fucked, four eyes".
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
So I partially lied to you all yesterday. I haven't been completely MIA, I actually have been up to no good and writing for some other sites. I know, I'm a total traitor. I expect an angry mob with pitchforks and "fire on a stick" outside my door. So, I think it's only necessary I let you all know just what I've been up to. I also am taking this time to show some of the COOLEST stuff happening on the interwebs.
I was honored enough to have an interview with the AWESOME folks at the clubhouse with the strangest kids in the blogosphere. They even made a super awesome graphic for it!One of my favorite horror homies, Johnny of Freddy in Space, is hosting a week fully dedicated to the man behind the modern zombie. I've even got a guest post lined up for him :DMy poppa Pax over at Billy Loves Stu did a tribute to the fabulous women of George A. Romero =]
I'm proud to say that I'm now writing for the FABULOUS website
and last but not least....
Day of the Woman's brother blog,
The Vault of Horror
just celebrated their 1,000th post!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
David Campfield was generous enough to send me a copy of his fantastically, awfully, ridiculously, campy (sort of) horror flick, Caesar and Otto's Summer Camp Massacre. He wrote me a little note saying that "its more of a goofball comedy than horror" and he wasn't kidding. I laughed at pretty much everything that happened, and the fact there was some slaughter made me love it even more. If you aren't some film snob who expects PERFECT film making and can't relax and take a joke (but done properly unlike some stupid overly awarded indie vampire films), then this film is not for you. As a publicity and promotional project, they have created a youtube station. The shorts are absolutely hysterical and well worth a watch
Caesar & Otto's Summer Camp Massacre to screen at The Light House International Film Festival.
Dave Campfield's comedy-horror was chosen as the midnight movie at this year's Light House Film Festival in New Jersey. Director Campfield will be in attendance. Caesar and Otto is now on youtube, with weekly videos being uploaded to the site:
Friday June 4th at the Light House Film Festival in New Jersey.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
First of all, they called it a Zomedy. Last I checked, the proper lingo expression is a Zom-Com. Secondly, it's got "mass destruction" and a zombie terrorist on the poster...you're insulting my intelligence by saying "a political zomedy". The reason it worked with Shaun of the Dead with "a romantic comedy, with zombies" is because it didn't spell it out for the readers. This poster is what I like to say "like pistol whipping a blind kid".
The long running joke in the industry is that zombie filmmakers have been making EVERYTHING zombies. Zombie strippers, Vegan zombies, and even zombie clowns have been showing up at film festivals and silver screens all across the country. However...zombie terrorists? Don't they blow themselves up? How the hell does that even work? Unless this is in the same world as Return of the Living Dead, there isn't any reason as to why the blown up bits of terrorists can come after you.
I'd also like to know who the crap these kids are. If you're going to go political comedy, shouldn't you go with the secret service or congressmen over college kids? No? Normally I spend a decent size paragraph bitching about the standard fonts being used, but this poster...speaks for itself. I didn't know there was a font that resembled letters dipped in strawberry syrup, but I have been proved wrong.
Monday, May 17, 2010
On September 28th, Lindqvist's story Handling the Undead will be released. As expected, the story isn't to be traditional and sounds just as horrifically beautiful as his last masterpiece. The novel is to be apart-dramatic, part-satiric study of what happens when the undead return to their families. Special thanks to Stu from BuyZombie for bringing this to my attention.
Friday, May 14, 2010
In this corner, sporting the (split pea soup) green trunks, hailing from the Jesuit land of Scranton, the power of Christ compels you, FAAAATHEEERRRRR KARRAS! This man of God is your everyday pastor dealing with a crisis of faith thanks to a terminal illness striking his mother. You know, the usual. Karras is brought into the world of the demon-possessed child Regan MacNeil once she suffers a series of seizures followed by bouts of great strength and levitation. When X-rays show nothing strange or unnatural, a doctor advises that Regan be taken to a psychiatrist, whom she attacks. Strange and paranormal activities continue to surround the MacNeil household, including a violently shaking bed, creepy noises and unexplained movements from inanimate objects. She even kills the director of her mother's movie when he babysits. After all medical explanations are exhausted, a doctor recommends an exorcism. In desperation, Regan's mother consults Father Karras, since he is both a priest and a shrink. Regan claims to be possessed by Satan himself. Despite his doubts, Karras decides to request permission from the Church to conduct an exorcism...and this is where the fun begins!
After Father Merrin is brought to help, Karras endures absolute hell in The Exorcist, literally. Satan himself takes the form of a foul mouthed little girl and beats the daylights out of him. Despite everything against him, Karras uses his belief of the Lord (and some slight shaking) and gives his life in order to protect this little girl from Beelzebub's power. During the climax of the exorcism, the demon(which we later know as Pazuzu...NOT Satan) threatens and taunts both Merrin and Karras, both physically and verbally. Hence the ever so infamous "Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Karras" line. I hate to admit it, but I do believe that could very well be my favorite part of the entire film. Forget the head spinning or the crucifix masturbation, that line is GOLD. Unfortunately, Merrin croaks from a heart attack and Father Karras attempts to perform CPR but to no avail. Pazuzu causes Regan to laugh menacingly as Karras tries to save Merrin, and it sparks such an anger that Karras hits her and chokes her, challenging the demon to leave Regan and enter him. Pazuzu gives him his wish and enters him; whereupon the priest throws himself through Regan's bedroom window and lands (and falls) down the steps outside. Another priest comes to administer his last rites as Karras drifts into eternal life.
However, Karras fits the bill for the literary concept of a whiskey priest and seems to have a kryptonite in demon puke. Yet, we must honor this powerful priest for his bravery in facing the demon who made the rest of the world fear flexible, foul-mouthed 9 year olds for eternity.
And in this corner, in the cranberry satin shorts, hailing from Wellington, preaching gospels and killing ghoulies...FATHER MCGRUDER! Poor second-and store version Bruce Campbell, Lionel Cosgrove, lives with his domineering mother. To his mother's disapproval, Lionel falls for a local shopkeeper's daughter, Paquita, and while spying on the lovebirds during a visit to the zoo, Lionel's mother is bitten by the Sumatran Rat-Monkey. Why they sent this stupid thing to a zoo is beyond me, but anyway...The animal's bite slowly turns her into a manic zombie. Lionel is horrified, but, ever the dedicated son, is determined to care for her. In other terms, if Ashley J. Williams and Norman Bates had a baby...it'd be Lionel Cosgrove. After his mommy dearest is laid to rest, she rises again and starts the domino reaction of zombification.
Following the outbreak in the cemetery, we are introduced to Father McGruder. Once the zombies infest his neck of the woods, he calls for some "divine intervention". What follows is two minutes straight of pure priest vs. zombie action. He presents a holy smackdown against some undead hoodlums complete with punching two zombies over the shoulder. McGruder pulls out moves that would make Bruce Lee tremble, and even dismembers a bunch in the process. Unfortunately, he finds his demise when a decapitated head comes down in battle and bites him square on the shoulder. You'd think the badass priest would be done for once zombified, but you would be wrong. Zombification must void the rules for men of God as McGruder and an equally zombified nurse get it on at the breakfast table. Their frisky business leads us to the first zombie baby to be put on screen.
While McGruder may be less well-known as his competitor, he remains in the hearts of horror nerds everywhere as one of the most celebrated non-zombies in a zombie film. To put it in the simplest terms...he kicks ass for the Lord.
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