Thursday, March 25, 2010

WALMART, REDBOX, NETFLIX, AND ON DEMAND: SELL OUTS AND FUEL TO THE TWATLIGHT FIRE

If you've been following my blog at all, you should know by now that I hate Twatlight with ever fiber of my being and I get angrier than Sandra Bullock at a tattoo show whenever I see anyone defending it or bragging about their limited edition edible Cullen family bra straps or something. I tried giving it a chance, and I can't wrap my head around it. The films and books are god awful and even those involved with it agree that they suck. However, the franchise is a cash cow and it seems that everyone and their mom is nudging their way in to suck on the tit.

Here's the thing about Twatlight; even though I hate it, I DO understand how much money it cranks in and how smart of a business move it is to support it. Let's face it, if you were a movie rental company and refused to carry it because it blows harder than new facebook. It has a huge fanbase filled with hyper teens with soccer moms throwing money at them, and creepy moms who vicariously live their dreams of a seemingly perfect relationship after realizing their marriages are shams. Regardless of WHO is paying for these films and books to take over the world, it's being funded and anyone would be stupid to not try to ride the wave.

HOWEVER. That doesn't make it right. Think of it this way. Twatlight fans are a breed of their own. They're seriously psychotic when it comes to their obsession. It's more of a lifestyle for these creatures. I wouldn't be surprised if they stood outside the theatres opening night in jogging sweats with purple kool-aid. I've literally seen fist fights over Jacob and Edward. The shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. So these hypertweens are CLEARLY on the up and up as far as when the hottest thing since a push-up bra is going to be released. Walmart...we KNOW you're going to have it at midnight, you're freaking WALMART. I don't need a commercial of a girl with an enlongated Velma Dinkley haircut with TEARS in her eyes watching New Moon. Have your normal commercial and throw in at the end that you're going to have it at midnight. You're honestly insulting your fan base by believing their stupid enough not to know you're going to have it at 12:01.I'd also like to thank Netflix, On Demand, and Red Box for not advertising ANY other freaking movies than New Moon. Twilight is a massively popular film, IT DOESN'T NEED ANY MORE ATTENTION. Do you know what DOES need attention? Films like Precious, Where the Wild Things Are, Up in the Air, Brothers, The Blind Side, or Pirate Radio, you know FILMS WITH AT LEAST SOME SORT OF SUBSTANCE!!! These are films nominated for Oscars and people are getting more advertisements for New Moon which is a film EVERYONE has been raped in the eyes with enough already. It's really crappy that films that deserve attention and publicity were talked about the week of the Oscars, and now they're done. I'm still seeing New Moon advertisements everywhere and I hate to say it, but it's not fair. There's amazing films that are being overlooked because companies are too concerned about making an easy buck than to actually give some sort of credible promotion. It's more disappointing than Anne Frank finally losing hide and seek. It's bad enough that Toys R Us has its own section of Twatlight related merchandise (like an umbrella) but now even the film industry is finally sucking the sparkly vampire's Ken doll crotch. It's disgusting and I once again have reason to fear for the future of humanity.

15 comment(s):

The Mike said...

Fantastic stuff! I'm in a haterade mood and this hit the spot.

oducerproducer said...

I have to ring out birthday party shit daily for it.

Robin Eduardo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robin Eduardo said...

*That was me, the inner editor made me do it!

Anyway, this was what I meant to post:

Although I agree that the writing/storyline is severely lacking, I can also agree that the merchandizing behind this is fucking ACE! I envy the incredible amount of excitement Twilight has stirred up and could only wish to do a smidgen as well as Ms. Meyers. But then again, I'm writing about ZOMBIES! Hard to get turned on by them, eh? So much for the thong panties I was going to produce to market my book.... ;)

Will Errickson said...

I didn't even realize they were actual books! When I was in Borders and saw the displays, long before the movies, I thought they were decorative crap for girls' bedrooms. Those stupid red and black covers, I figured they were jewelry trinket cases or something. Who knew there were "words" in there.

Jayson said...

You're talking about Wal Mart, Netflix, and Redbox here. Certainly the last places I'd go to purchase any real selection.

CSY said...

I honestly LOVED this post, BC! My 13 yr old daughter is Twatlight OBSESSED with it! Good thing I dont have to take her to the movies...she goes with her Bestie. You've also made valid points about this being a merchandising cash cow! TWATLIGHT SUX!!! Thank you and good night...

Brad said...

Here's the thing about Twatlight; even though I hate it, I DO understand how much money it cranks in and how smart of a business move it is to support it. Let's face it, if you were a movie rental company and refused to carry it because it blows harder than new facebook. It has a huge fanbase filled with hyper teens with soccer moms throwing money at them, and creepy moms who vicariously live their dreams of a seemingly perfect relationship after realizing their marriages are shams. Regardless of WHO is paying for these films and books to take over the world, it's being funded and anyone would be stupid to not try to ride the wave.

After writing this you should have sat back, reflected on it, then deleted this entire post.

Kid Sis said...

I've been trying to figure out how to ride this wave for The Commune...recut a trailer and poster to market Puck and Jenny to the ANTI-Twilight girls. There must be other smart girls out there who just want to punch Bella and co in the face, and are looking for alternate programming. And a scarier horror.

James C. Sugrue said...

One of my co-workers, a man 20 years my senior, raved for weeks about New Moon and "the hot chick with the awesome tits." One day I finally got fed up and said "It's too bad that her pathetic human uterus couldn't handle Edward's sparkling fetus, and he was forced to turn her into a vampire."

Apparently this is the worst thing in the world you can say to one of those half-assed Twatlight obsessed fans who drool over the movie but have never read the books. I came very close to being bludgeoned by my co-worker, I don't even think that starting off with ***SPOILER ALERT*** would have helped me out.

Luckily for him, I just watched New Moon and found out the girl he was talking about all this time was Dakota Fanning. I can't wait till Monday morning when I can break the news to him that I didn't ruin the series, but he's definitely a pedophile.

TK Turner said...

Warning: Anti-Twilight RANT ahead:

Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious!

I agree with you 100% I'm so sick of Twilight...I really am! But unfortunately, saying you dislike Twilight stirs up all the crazed fans into hating your stuff.

I write horror...and as a female horror writer, I have to grin and nod my head whenever the "Twilight" discussion comes up. It's EXPECTED of horror female writers to like this stupid book.

First of all, Twilight reeks so bad of anti-feminism it's not even funny. And the writing itself is sloppy and poorly written. But all hell breaks loose if you choose to say this to anyone of the fans. Bella is an infuriating girl who relies only on the men in her world to move her forward. Not only is she vulnerable to the masculine powers around her, she is passive to them. Her life, her very HUMANITY, and possibly her virginity are outside her control.

She sits in her room for three months when she's dumped (clearly, without a MAN in her life, there's just no future for her) and constantly has to be "saved" throughout the books. It makes the feminist in me want to scream!!!!!

THANK YOU GOD somebody else besides me HATES twilight as much as I do! And your blog is right up my alley as far as content goes. Keep writing your posts, I'll be sure to read them all from now on! :D

TK

Phantom of Pulp said...

Excellent post, and crawling with a raw type of truth.

Shameful that much better films are being given a shunning by the marketers.

I second TK Turner's fury at the Bella character.

It is tragic that such an inert, hopeless, annoying character has captured the imagination of young women.

It's those weaker, non-assertive aspects of themselves that are being sanctioned by her. A continuation of the Disney delusion that your savior is a man, not yourself.

Kinda pathetic.

Anonymous said...

Personally, my favorite part was when you compared the marketing of movies you didn't like to the death of Annelies Frank and concluded that the failure to promote the kind of movies you enjoy is actually more of a bummer than the death of teenage girl at the hands of the SS.

I didn't really have a side in the whole Twilight thing, but with that one insightful and whip smart metaphor, you instantly made it crystal clear just where I'd prefer myself counted.

Excellent post. Keep up the good work.

Lady Ash Mistress of the Night said...

Thank you for this article. It's a relief to know that there are other people out there that are sick and fucking tired if hearing about Twatlight. Most of those I know personally are fanatics.

Unfortunately if you have never read any of the books or watched the movie, then that would make the fanatics argument valid. I on the other hand have tried to give Twatlight a chance. I could barely stomach through the first 100 pages.

I have been a horror fangirl since I was really little and I've seen vampire films that are far superior (i.e. Martin and The Lost Boys.) If you want to introduce the kids to an excellent modern vampire book, take away Twatlight and give them a copy of Stephen King's Salems Lot.

... oh wait that's right, Kurt Barlow is not an emo pretty boy vampire that's shiny. However Barlow possesses a few things that Edward Cullen wished he had, charisma and intimidation.

Lady Ash Mistress of the Night said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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