Wednesday, March 10, 2010

HEIDI MARTINUZZI: THE BLASPHEMOUS VAGINA OF THE HORROR BLOGSOSPHERE

A few days ago I was asked personally by both Heidi Martinuzzi of Pretty-Scary and Stacie Ponder of Final Girl to participate in the first edition of their radio show/podcast PMS bitch fest that they have so elegantly named The Scare-ening. While I had originally found myself extremely delighted to participate in what seemed to be a glorious event, I was horribly mistaken. Not only was Heidi extremely unprofessional and a complete tart throughout the entire hour, but she blatantly disrespected those in the horror blogosphere. Her mouth spewed out absolutely NOTHING but hateful bullshit regarding African Americans and Vulva posessing Americans. I found myself absolutely disgusted, flabbergasted and insulted at her inquiries. She even had the audacity to compare her growing bang self to Portia de Rossi. Now, I've personally hung out with Ellen DeGeneres and went shopping for tennis shoes to go with suits and YOU MA'AM ARE NO PORTIA DE ROSSI.

I tried to let it go, I tried to respect her opinion, but then she spouted off the most blasphemous and disgusting statement ever to be uttered over the internet.
Heidi Martinuzzi, does NOT like Classic Horror Films. You heard it here first, one of the lead female crusaders in the horror genre does not like the films that are responsible for every shitty B-Movie she trotted her strumpet ass around nude in. WHO THE FRACK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Classic horror films have created much more of a fanbase than your pathetic excuse for films. She thinks she's so fracking cool because she writes for Pretty-Scary and she does movies and she hangs out with famous people and she knows grammar and she knows everythiiiiiing. Heidi. You say tomato? I say JERK. YOU ARE ONE TOMATO THAT SHOULD BE SQUASHED INTO KETCHUP. ONLY SO I CAN EAT YOU WITH DINOSAUR CHICKEN NUGGETS.

bitch.

31 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Outrage! Scandal! Sacrilege! Controversy!

Dwight Frye, George Zucco, J. Carroll Naish, Marya Ospenskaya--they're all spinning in their graves. Spinning, I tell you!! If you listen closely, you can almost hear them...

Oh wait, I think that's just my tummy. Sorry. I need lunch.

Cinema Suicide said...

Fuck! Dinosaur chicken nuggets are so totally the best. Also. You hung out with Ellen? That's freakin' sweet.

The Igloo Keeper... said...

Apart from that was it a good podcast?

James C. Sugrue said...

Thanks Beej, that was a very informative article. I had no idea that ketchup came from tomatoes.

BJ-C said...

@B-Sol: I don't mean to brag, but I've got dino chicken nuggets

@Cinema: If you only knew. I came twice already.

@Igloo: Yes, it was hilarious and fantastic. If you go to the page you can hear the recording of it

BJ-C said...

@James: You're welcome. It's my cross to bear.

B-Sol said...

I have them too, but they're at home in my freezer, dammit!!

James C. Sugrue said...

BTW, what is the plural of vulva?

James C. Sugrue said...

I hope it's vulvae. that just makes me think of a vagina/maggot hybrid.

Rhonny Reaper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Planet of Terror said...

I was looking forward to hearing you BJ-C but after about 20 minutes of their in-jokes, friends on the air (which I totally understood and expected to happen, but I couldn't differentiate between them) I thought, what's the point? I felt like I was listening in on my sister's phone conversations in high school. I really like Stacie a lot and she has been totally cool to me and our humble blog.

I've read a lot of the posts from Heidi on her blog and I can't help but think she'd rather make enemies than friends. Someone send her a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

B-Sol said...

JC--you shoulda stuck around for the whole thing, it was actually a lot of fun!

BJ-C said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cinema Suicide said...

Look, I just want more articles about the many varieties of chicken nuggets out there. Do you think you can fill that order? Right now I just have ordinary chicken strips in my freezer. They're not shaped like anything. Total bummer.

Stacie Ponder said...

Gawd, I KNEW Heidi was planning to say something controversial, but I had no idea she's go THERE. What a loose cannon!

Mr. of Terror! Thanks for listening for a bit. I agree with your crits and believe me, it's something we're going to work on for the next episode. This was a live show and yes, it was a bit chaotic...but I was keeping a tally as we went along regarding things to work on and improve. It'll only get better from here. :)

BJ-C, I'm sorry you and Brian walked into such a volatile situation on air. Heidi's really obsessed with her "resemblance" to Portia- no matter what anyone says, she won't let it go. It was unfair of us to subject you guys to it...but thanks for being professional about it.

Superheidi said...

Stacie, I can't believe you would turn on me like this, publicly, when you could just text me.

BJ - I thought we were friends! When I texted you the other day and showed you what my new blond wig looked like on, you didn't say anything. That would have been a better time to tell me you don't think I look like Portia. That's just YOUR opinion, by the way. I'll bet Portia thinks I look like Portia. My mom thinks I look like her, too. Portia and I are also really similar in many ways other than looks, too. We both do a lot to protect feral cats and we both like pink.

And I told you there would be controversy on the air - everyone was expecting it; everyone was waiting for it. I can't think of any topic more relevant or controversial than whether classic horror films suck or not. I think it was an important concept to address, and if no one else is willing to speak out about it, then once again, I'll be the Rush Limbaugh of horror (or Portia DeRossi, whatevs) and say what everyone needs to hear regarding classic horror.

BY the way, I need that new link to Two Girls One Cup. That movie is so freakin awesome!!! I wish I could get it on DVD so I could watch it whenever I wanted.

Planet of Terror said...

Apparently the sarcasm also went over my head. Sorry.

Stacie Ponder said...

Heidi, I DID text you...four times. And when I'd mention it later, you'd always give me a "I don't know where my phone is" or a "Huh?" or a "I didn't get any texts!" or a "Can you start calling me Portia?"

What else am I supposed to do? I thought maybe a public "calling out" would help. I'm sorry if I didn't do it right, but I'm not Candy fucking Finnegan. I'm not a therapist...but I do want to help. You don't need to quit the "I look like Portia DeRossi" campaign cold turkey, but for fuck's sake...can't you at least replicate Portia's modern era eyebrows instead of her Scream 2, pre-tweezer era eyebrows? I mean, for the good of yourself and everyone around you.

Now let's stop hijacking BJ-C's blog with our petty arguments. We can think of something better to do...we're two girls. Let's go find a cup!

James C. Sugrue said...

One guy one jar is a far more entertaining than two girls one cup. I highly recommend watching. Pure cinematic gold.

Chuck Conry said...

Ah..women and sarcasm, I know it well lol

takashi said...

This is why people complain about horror blogs. Instead of posting something of substance it's useless awards, lame in-jokes, and faux outrage. Apparently getting page views has replaced quality writing in the horror blogosphere.

James C. Sugrue said...

Well takashi, you could always flee China, then you could access any site in the whole wide world and wouldn't be restricted to only reading Day of the Woman and communist propaganda blogs.

Davey C. said...

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure Takashi is a Japanese name.

James C. Sugrue said...

Then I guess he doesn't have an excuse for reading blogs he doesn't enjoy. He must actually enjoy passive aggressively complaining about how "people" complain about horror blogs.

The Mike said...

I only clicked on this because it had vagina in the title. My bad.

Erin said...

it's just because she's a big-city, no-bra-wearin', hairy-legged woman libber who would say that a pageant is old-fashioned and demeaning to the girls

hey, we can't all be pretty and well-versed

Superheidi said...

hey, we can't all be pretty and well-versed


Well, you're right, Erin!

oducerproducer said...

Mike FTW

Cheesemeister said...

She is really, really, REAAAAALLLLYYYYY full of herself, and I really, really, really can't figure out why. And you tried to be fair to her too. You took the high road as long as was humanly possible, Darlin'. Pretty-Scary? Meh. She is but a killer tomato in disguise. You are the real deal!

B-Sol said...

Britt, I think you may be the Andy Kaufman of horror blogging. This is getting crazy...

Prav said...

This is a very good and healthy post i think. Good to write and share about. Have a great writing and have a great readership. Thanks...

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