Thursday, March 18, 2010

BJ-C'S FAVORITE FILMS THAT GIVE MEN THE HEEBIE JEEBIES

No matter how tall, how strong, how burly, how tough a man may look; there is always something that makes a man scream like a little girl to his mommy. Let's be honest, men just don't understand women. Somehow horror takes our worst fears and amplify them. Men have always feared women because they can't understand them. Athletes were told not to fraternize with women before matches because they would "take the edge off". Regardless of the feminist, sexist, whateverist nature of people today, this is an idea that has been spawned since the dawn of time. There's a reason women laugh at scenes of men getting their dick's chopped off and men start to sweat and tremble. They're scared of us! This is going to be the most stereotypical list ever put up on DotW, so ignore the PC obsessed nature of society and have some fun with it!
GINGER SNAPS
It's your lucky day. You come across these two smoking hot teenage girls absolutely ripe for the plundering. You lick your lips past your molestache to make your move. One of the girls bats her eyelashes, JACKPOT. Wait, what's that? Her sister is changing...what is that sound? What's going on with her teeth? HOLY SHIT, SHE'S A MAN EATING WEREWOLF!!! Screwed. Makes you think twice about crazy siblings of hot underage chicks doesn't it?CAT PEOPLE
Alright, try this one on for size. You meet a smokin' hot, totally legal, and exotic fashion designer. You fall in love, get married, and the prude won't sleep with you! So you do the only logical thing, you start dating and falling in love with your equally as sexy assistant. It's only right, but then you and your lover are cornered by a vengeful panther! It's not just any panther, IT'S YOUR PRUDE WIFE! I mean, she was being nice and protecting you because any form of sexual arousal turns her into a fatal feline, but shoot...she could have warned you!HARD CANDY
Okay, so the legal thing doesn't do it for you. You're hanging outline chatting with smokin' hot prepubescent babes all day when you come across this intellectual 14 year old who lives right in town. Of course, the sensible thing is to meet with her since Chris Hansen probably has the day off. You meet her and she invites herself back to your place. Clearly, she wants to give up her seventh grade goodies to you. Everything seems like fun and games until she ties you up, drugs you, and attempts to castrate your perverted ass! Jeeze, what are they teaching in girl scouts these days?DAY OF THE WOMAN/I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
Living in a po-dunk, middle of nowhere town sucks no matter who you are. So imagine your delight when this foxy, intellectual, city girl stumbles into your neck of the woods. She doesn't seem like the type to hang out with you and your tumbling, tumbling dickweed friends...so you plot to rape her for about 26 minutes or so. It's really nothing big. However, you and your buds raped the wrong girl. So say goodbye to your mentally challenged buddy, your dick, and say hello to a boat blade...IN THE FACE!LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
So the last one didn't work out all that well and this whole rejection thing REALLY isn't your style. So you see this teenage hottie that's totally asking for it, yet she's not all that into you. So, you use the same plan of action you did for the last girl. She doesn't come after you this time! Yet, you wind up at her parent's place and they totally make your life a living hell. Sucks to your assmar.TEETH
You've hit the motherload. She's 18, she's gorgeous, she's smart, and she's a virgin. Nothing in the world could be better than getting to tap this little number. Everything seems perfect until you stick it in and discover the truth. Vagina Dentata. Don't know what it means? Google it, and call a doctor.

14 comment(s):

Neil Sarver said...

Apparently the men you know are spectacularly wussy and insecure. None of these make me uncomfortable in male terms. I mean, GINGER SNAPS? C'mon! It's just flat brilliant. It shouldn't give the heebie-jeebies "as a man" any more than THE WOLF MAN should give you the heebie-jeebies "as a woman". They both should make us uncomfortable as humans, as they are horror movies, but seriously...

I'm sick of the cute "Oh, I'm so sensitive about my maleness" bullshit. It doesn't start to with Baby Boomers, but has really been built up in generations since (including, of course, my own).

It's like the moment where someone gets kneed in the groin and everyone giggles and acts like it was a full on emasculation. Get over it!

For the most part, these are the same douchebags who whine about women or society taking away their manliness. Well, man up and stop making such a big frickin' deal out of these things.

Sorry to go on a rant here. It's a lovely list of movies, most of which I admire a lot. But I'm just frustrated that men have so emasculated themselves that horror involving women performing violence against men is somehow a big frickin' deal at all.

Sissies!

BJ-C said...

Which is why I included the fact that the list was supposed to be stereotypical and to throw PC out the window...

Neil Sarver said...

Yes, I'm sorry. I meant to acknowledge that. I apparently just had that rant hiding in me and this was just the catalyst that set it off.

Planet of Terror said...

Antichrist is a recent of mine. I was in the fetal position on the couch.

B-Sol said...

I Spit on Your Grave has to be the ultimate one in this sub-genre for sure. The first time I watched it was with my wife and sister.

Awwwkwwwaaaarrddd.

Anonymous said...

None of these get the guys squirming like Deliverance.

Blooming Psycho said...

Seems to me that most of the guys in these movies deserved exactly what they got from these women. Particularly in a movie like I Spit on your Grave. Rape gives carte blanche to anyone who wants to chop off the rapist's testicles and shove them down his throat.

oducerproducer said...

Play Misty For Me and Antichrist, that'll do it!

The Mike said...

Teeth was the first thing that came to mind when I clicked in, great pick.

And great post in general, too.

A Case of You said...

I disagree a little, but then what are bloggers good at if not arguing over a list!

I have to agree with the poster who said Deliverance. Yeppers. "

"Sqeeeealll like a piggy!"

The Curious Cat said...

Wicked entry! I love it! :) xxx

just another lurker said...

What, no Fatal Attraction?

Rabid Fox said...

Ginger Snaps gave me the creeps, but for some reason I thought the sequel was even creepier--not better necessarily, but creepier. Maybe it was just the mental institution as the backdrop.

the jaded viewer said...

I rooted for these femme fatales in all these flicks.

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