Friday, January 29, 2010



If you stalk me hard enough on Facebook or Twitter, you'll know that I have been a bit under the weather (what else is new?!). Sometimes, when you're feverish you do some absolutely unthinkable things. Last night, was one of those moments. I laid in bed completely ill and decided that I needed to write an article with some sort of substance rather than a funny picture I found while surfing teh intewebz. I flipped channels with the hope that I would come across something to trigger my interests and that's when I saw it. It was white, it was soft, it was was TWATLIGHT. Now, I could have very well thrown up, laughed, and changed the channel...but I didn't. I KEPT IT ON. Now before you think I've gone to the darkside, think again. Instead of actually enjoying the film, I analyzed it. Not only did I analyze it, but I picked up things about the film to make fun of that I never picked on before. Here are my results :D. They go a bit progressive and I tracked down my thoughts as I watched the films. Enjoy!

Why did you show up to school the first day dressed like a homeless factory worker who hasn't heard of a hairbrush? Seriously, it is your first day in a new town and you want to make a first impression, and yet you wear some weird spandex sweater thing and a shirt that I think you pulled out of the garbage behind Holly Star Lanes. Nothing matches, your hair looks ridiculously unkempt, and your weird eyeshadow makes you look like a holocaust victim.

Another thing, you claim to be so depressed about moving and whine about how much your life sucks, and yet the first day of school, 4 EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE GUYS start wagging their tails and drooling over you.

Why does edward cullen catching the smell look more like he shit in his pants. You think if he couldn't resist your scent he would look entranced, or that he wanted to eat you. Instead, he looks like he just shit his pants and has to adjust all weird like to control making it smell bad. When he leaves for two days, it's to avoid embarrassment...not to avoid your "irresistible" scent.

Why is the whole movie blue? I've been to Washington, it isn't blue. Everyone's red lips look really really bad. and the gray eyeshadow on everyone makes them look sunken in and kristen stewart looks like she has a 5 o clock shadown from the lighting. It's just not attractive. As much as I make fun of her, Kristen Stewart DOES have the potential to look pretty and in this movie, she doesn't just look plain..she looks ugly and mannish.

Edward's opening lines are seriously horrible. He stares at her like he needs to win a staring contest. I just don't understand why someone would try to attract a girl by bugging his eyes out of his head and panting like a dog in heat. Another thing. Why does he slide everything like he has no motor skills and he speaks like he has a disorder? Do you have a problem sir? You're a person, USE YOUR HANDS!! QUIT SLIDING STUFF WITH THE BACK OF YOUR WRIST.

Pattison has pretty decent k-9 teeth. Why dear God couldn't he AT LEAST have fangs. Instead, we decide to make him oh so dreamy and yet oh so not wanting to talk to a girl. That scene in the plant garden...he's a complete douchebag. If she had half a brain, she would have forgotten about him in the first place.

The amount of white blonde pale people kids makes it even more obvious Stephanie Meyer is jealous of HP. Malfoy family anyone?

OMG I'm going to a bookstore instead of prom dress shopping. I'm soooooo weirdddd and intellectual!!!

I hate that Alice has cute hair because now I can't ever ask for it. It sounds really bad, but when I first starting cutting my hair super short I wanted to have her haircut/style. However, I brought it into the salon and the woman said OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN WAITING TO GIVE SOMEONE ALICE CULLEN HAIR!! It was at that moment that I started cutting my hair into an a-line instead.

HOW THE HELL COULD YOU SEE HIM AS A VAMPIRE AND FIND HIS FOLKLORE ON THE INTERNET WHEN.....HE DOESN'T POSSESS ANY OF THE QUALITIES?! After your countless hours of research on the internet, why wouldn't you ask him why he doesn't burn? Or did the only google results you found come from stephanie meyer's fanfics

Dear Edward, if you're so inviting, irresistible, and alluring to come no one at school talks to you other than Bella?

I trust someone who says he wants my blood too.

For being a 108 year old virgin. You have amazing self control Eddie. I know people who go two months without it and absolutely lose their minds. 108 years, dang-a-lang.

I'd be afraid of losing someone i've known for a week of my life, most of it him hating me too. the lion should have eaten the lamb. That would have saved us 3 more horrible books and 3 more terrible films.

First-Edward is NOT a vampire, 2nd-there is a part of him, its quite dominant, that he's a pussy who should have sucked your blood already. and 3rd...stephanie meyer is in love with a weird fantasy.

I think Edward Cullen raids Simon Cowell's closet. It's all black, white, gray, and v-neck. ALL of it. Try some color dude.

Jacob and I have the same purple hat. How cute. I have my Sharkboy 3-D glasses too! We're like twinsies!!!

Jasper looks like Will Farrell and Edward's curly headed fuck of a brother. I can't look at him and not burst out into flaming laughter. Come on Alice, you're the cute one! Go for a guy as equally as cute!

Okay. I do have something positive to say...Edward Cullen has a sweet fucking room. Then again, after 108 years of interior design. I'd really hope that you'd have some cool shit to show for it. They may be really really lame vampires, but they at least have sense of interior design. The graduation cap collage thing is a pretty sweet idea and I'll be honest, I chuckled. One point for you.

"You better hold on tight spider monkey"...BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHO WRITES THIS SHIT!? Oh yeah... that's right....If some guy EVER called me spider monkey he better be named Walker or Texas Ranger. It sure as shit won't be Edward fucking Cullen.

I feel the need to open my shirt when I play piano too. I just find its truly necessary to show off the fact I have the inability to grow chest hair.

The Forks, Washington chamber of commerce actually has taken its motto to be "the home of twilight" According to the icons at the bottom of the page, they're number #34 on the list of Twilight sites...FML. I'd move out of town.

"I like watching you sleep and I come through your window". So're either a) the sandman, 2) a stalker or 3) the tooth fairy

Rob Pattinson does seem like a good kisser, but I think its more so because he got really talented and trained with this...

When I hear large cracking of thunder and there's no rain around, I assume vampires playing baseball too. As much as this scene is ridiculous...having power like that and playing baseball would be fucking epic. so justice league baseball teams should be going on right now.

Alice Cullen is a fucking fox...and her kick when she pitches causes insane thoughts. Unhealthily insane thoughts. I'm going to hell. Guys don't watch this film for K-Stew, they watch it for this chick. She's a bonafide babe. I'll admit it. PLEASE DO FILMS THAT AREN'T TWILIGHT RELATED
So Laurent is in a Lenny Kravitz stage, James is Lestat in an H&M catalog, and Victoria is that chick Kirsten Dunst played but as a young I gotcha.

"You are my life?" Its been like 3 weeks. What the french is wrong with you?! Ever heard about dating around? You know, getting to know each other. All you do is make out and talk about how perfect for each other you are. How about movies? Music? Oh yeah, you both like Debussey...SO DOES MOST OF THE WORLD! What about TV, hobbies, past times? Anything? What's her favorite flavor of gum? Don't know?! I thought she was your life!?

Dear Edward, you suck her wrists like you're eating corn on the cob. Next time you are going to even remotely act like a least get it right.

So the Cullen family cares enough about Bella to make up a story about how you ended up the way you are? Well I have a question for you Mrs. Bella's mom...Who puts windows at the bottom of two flights of stairs. YOU BELIEVED THIS BULL?! That story holds no water. None. Especially if you're in a hotel. Who has two flights of stairs in a hotel room? You guys are idiots. You'd have a better shot thinking they were IDK vampires or something.

10 comment(s):

C.L. Hadden said...

I'll just say it - that was the funniest thing I have read in like, eons. I was laughing out loud.
Seriously hilarious.
You're like MST3K, only better;)

The Divemistress said...

If it helps, Rachel Leigh Cook had that same hair in Josie and the Pussycats, so you could always say that was your inspiration. That movie's hilarious!

BJ-C said...

I actually dyed my hair "Josie Red" in the 8th grade :)

The Divemistress said...

Ha! That's awesome.

Blooming Psycho said...

I was waiting for this, and you did not disappoint!
The 108 year old thing...gahhhh! Creepy! I'm more than half his age and if I were still in a teenage body, I'd be frustrated, because a lot of people even in their twenties, thirties, and...uh...forties are immature and annoying. Going back to high school to look for a mate? Ewwwww! Creepy! Even my son, who is only nineteen, says he would be irritated at the immaturity of high school students. You FAIL, Edward, you loser!
When I was in high school, my 23 year old manager from the McDonalds would come and hang out at the high school. Can you say LOSER? I guess this makes Edward an epic centigenarian loser.

RK said...

lol BJC you really know your stuff! i was laughing like crazy while i was reading that at my job! the customers looked at me like what the fuck is wrong with that kid! hilarious!

Kat K. said...

"If some guy EVER called me spider monkey he better be named Walker or Texas Ranger. It sure as shit won't be Edward fucking Cullen." <--genius :D this blog was brilliant!!! hahaha

RayRay said...

I never read the books, nor will I ever. It always sounded to me like Sweet Valley High meets Bunnicula, which is actually unfair to Bunnicula, as he was a real vampire.

Anywho, as much as I enjoyed ripping on T-light, especially when the fans would try to compare Meyers to great writers, like Tolkien, Herbert, or Rice, and took perverse pleasure stomping on their dream, I always felt a tad guilty as I do hate it when others prejudge, and here I was prejudging.

So I watched the Twilight movie. As I have newborn twins, I had to watch it twice to make sure I saw everything.

I'll say this: whoever made the movie put money in production - it looked good, and was well photographed. The cinematography was good. Okay, that's about all I have to say good.

I was astounded by the enormous amount of what science-fiction fans call "alien space bats." Alien Space Bats is a term used to describe a plot device for an event which is otherwise implausible.

As you have so successfully pointed out, BJ-C, there are about 3 trillion stupid, implausible inconsistencies in this lousy, thrown together story, from bad fashion to why this couple even like each other - which is the crux of the tissue thin plot.

My biggest personal beef is that to invent any sort of vampire related drama Meyers inserted a separate set of "carnivorous" vampires, whom just stumble upon the Cullen Family baseball outing. ASB alert: then one of them, a "tracker" vampire [never heard of that] smells Bella, and therefore can't control himself. Wow, that's so not totally contrived!! That his destruction then becomes the focal point of future vampire related drama only exacerbates this. So, so terrible.

Laura said...

I actually think Jasper is pretty hot out of character. But that is just me. but that is the funniest thing I've ever read. But for the record, I use to like Twatlight. Thank God I don't anymore.

Anonymous said...

This post was hilarious! God that baseball scene was the exact moment I turned this movie off and never looked back again. How could a guy breaking in to your bedroom to stare at you then run away when you wake up be romantic?

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