Wednesday, December 30, 2009

BJ-C's TOP 25 HORROR FILMS OF THE DECADE

Happy (almost) New Year Womanizers! Not only does this January 1st ring in a new year, but it also rings us in a new decade. What does that mean? It means MORE EXCUSES TO HAVE A RANKED LIST! So I've put together my personal Top 25 Films of the Decade.
NOTE: This means it is MY opinion
I guarantee you may disagree on its placement. If you start drama on this blog over its ranking, I will not be pleased. This is all in fun people, just enjoy it!

25) HARD CANDY
Ellen Page's best work, hands down. She plays 14 year-old Hayley Stark who attracts 32 year-old Jeff Kohlver through the internet. In a nutshell, its a psychological thriller that gives an example of what "To Catch A Predator" would be like had it had any balls. It's horrifying, thrilling, and puts men everywhere into a very squeamish position for a good chunk of the film.
24) GINGER SNAPS
It's female empowering and the first attempt in years to bring something new to the Werewolf genre (suck it Jacob). It's a dandy Canadian indie flick that shows the results of getting your menstrual period and transforming into a werewolf at the same time. The acting is wonderful, the film isn't cookie cutter, and the fact that its two girls carrying the entire film always warms my heart :D
23) THE DEVIL'S REJECTS
You can hate Rob Zombie for the abortion he created with the Halloween series, but he can make one hell of an exploitation film. His second installment of films with the lil' ol Firefly family is friggen fantastic. It's a wonderful tribute to the films of yesteryear and somehow...someway...he makes you root for the bad guys.
22) DAWN OF THE DEAD
I know I'm going to get some slack for ranking this so low, but I feel that because it's a remake (especially of a Romero film) you already have a base to work with rather than starting from scratch...so I expect you to do something good. This is the best remake of the decade and one hell of a zombie film...I just wish they didn't run ;)
21) AUDITION
The release date is speculated but it's my blog, my rules. I saw this when I was 12 and I'll admit I only rented it because Rob Zombie said on TV it was the only film to scare him in a while. I figured he was more desensitized than I was and I took his word. That f'ing bag...that's all I'm going to say.
20) FUNNY GAMES
Michael Haneke brings us a scene-by-scene remake of his 1997 film and scares the living daylights out of us all. Naomi Watts is fabulous and good God, I've never been more freaked out about men in white since A Clockwork Orange. The film was fantastic and they gave us probably the best movie posters in a long while.
19) AMERICAN PSYCHO
Patrick Bateman, the things I would do to you...One of the most intelligent films made in the decade, this one showcases Christian Bale's best acting chops since Swing Kids. It's horrifying, clever, original, and has the same heart as the original Psycho. It's a definite cult classic and makes you question what Grandma's plastic couch is really all about.
18) DOG SOLDIERS
I've always believed that the Werewolf is the most neglected of the "monster-mash" classic creatures. This film brought them back in a big way. Combining military flicks and horror flicks normally seem to create a recipe for disaster, but the Brits have proved us wrong with this film and it is one to not be missed.
17) FRAILTY
Who knew Bill Paxton was such a creep, man? Who knew Matthew McConaughey could do something other than drugs? This film jumps right into it literally within the first 5 minutes when a guy blows his brains out. Don't let the cast list fool you, this film is provocative as hell and really REALLY creepy.
16) MAY
It took me a while to finally see this film because it was one that I definitely judged by its cover. After I finally bit the bullet and rented the flick, I was kicking myself for waiting so long to watch it. This is a quirky little horror film that you best not know anything about going into it. The less you know, the more insane the film is to sit through.
15) MARTYRS
If you aren't a fan of violence, gore, or more violence...this film may not be for you. As far as violence is concerned, this makes the torture videos terrorists film look like The Little Engine That Could. Honestly, the French are some sick puppies.
14) SAW
Try to remember way back when...before it became the never ending franchise. Think back to when we all had haunting visions of a puppet on a bicycle and little red riding hogs. Think back to when the thought of the reverse bear trap or the barbed wire were completely original and horrifying...You can do it. Remember...try to remember!
13) HOUSE OF THE DEVIL
If you didn't know any better, you'd think this film was pulled right out of the 1970's. Ti West's perfect example of a horror throwback is a perfect showcase of everything we know and love about the era that perfected the horror film.
12) HIGH TENSION
I watched this film with a friend of mine super late at night, and never more in my life have I felt so...strange after watching a film. It wasn't that I was scared or disturbed, I just felt a bit off. I still try to wrap my head around the initial impact this film brought to me, but it was quite off-putting. I loved every second of it though. The film is anything but typical and once again...The French are some sick puppies.
11) INSIDE
SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICKS SHOCKING SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK AWESOME SICK SICK SICK SICK EPIC SICK SICK SICK SICK HORRIFYING SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK JACKED UP SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK FANTASTIC SICK SICK SICK SICK
10) THE MIST
Stephen King knows how to freak us out, and this film is no exception. People are the most afraid when they are helpless and completely out of touch with what is really going on. We fear, what we do not understand. The film is fantastic and not only creates a monster film, but makes us really wonder what happens to society when fear takes over. I don't care what anyone says...I LOVE THE ENDING
09) BATTLE ROYALE
This film isn't so much horror as it is just an all-out gorefest. J-Horror creeps me out 85% more than American horror and this film truly takes the cake for freaking me out. It's another one of those films that is better witnessed rather than told about, but let me tell you...it's intense.
08) TRICK R TREAT
Three absolutely amazing tales intertwining on Halloween night and giving us the cutest and most loveable horror character EVER. It's creepy, clever, entertaining, and just amazing. I have nothing bad to say about it, at all. It's very original and the three stories are very interesting. Just watching the three all wrap together gives an awesome sensation of the mind. I'm obsessed with this film. OBSESSED.
07) THE RING
This is another film that you really need to think back to a time where the film hadn't been parodied up the ying yang and completely made parody. When it came out, this film was the first in a while to really freak people the frick out. It's all anyone could talk about, and people left theatres waiting phone calls to warn them of their week coming demise. Samara is horrifying and that damn tape still gives me nightmares. I think its the nail through the nail thing...*shudders*
06) SESSION 9
Brad Anderson, you are a friggen genius. This film is IMO probably the best example of a psychological horror film that exists. It's a complete mind fuck and one hell of a film. If you haven't seen it, you've done yourself a grave disservice and should be ashamed. Go watch it now, it will change your life...okay maybe not but you'll seriously enjoy it.
05) 28 DAYS LATER...
There was a Zombie drought in the 90's and it took a little British import to completely change the rules of the zombie and completely revamp the genre. Infected, zombie, undead, whatever they are...this film is why Zombies run and make a bloody stinkin' mess. The film is breathtakingly shot and intelligent as hell, not to mention Cillian Murphy is a freaking sexpot.04) THE DESCENT
You know those slumber parties girls have where they sit around and gossip and cheer each other up? This movie isn't about those kind of women. When tough times come they find a more life threatening / exhilarating / horrifying way to push past the pain. Holy. Mother. Of. God. That's all I can say. That's all there is to say. I have never been so freaking scared in the theatres in my life. Granted I was a little young to be seeing this film, but screw it. I am traumatized. This film was insane even before the cannibalistic little buggers showed up.
03) SHAUN OF THE DEAD
To keep it simple: It's THE greatest zombie comedy if not horror comedy ever created. A film that, when I watch it, I cant really find something wrong with it. Not only is it a brilliantly hilarious film that helped introduce Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright to the world, but its a good zombie movie in its own right. The characters are loveable, the storyline is honest, and the results are absolute perfection
02) [REC]
What a thrill ride. This is the film BWP and Cloverfield want to be when they grow up. The entire film is seen through the camera lens and it puts the audience member right into the horrifying action. It doesn't feel as if you're watching footage, you feel as if you're in the film which makes it all the more horrific. The ending is fantastic and the entire film will literally keep you on the edge of your seat.
01) LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
Come on. Did you honestly think I was going to pick anything else? LTROI is the most morbidly beautiful, aesthetically breathtacking, horrifyingly cute, and endearingly macabre film ever created. The film is absolutely perfect. There are a few films that I will say has "nothing wrong with them" and this is one of them. Carried by two of the most impressive child actors to ever breathe, we see the awkward tortured love story of two adolscent children. Oskar, who is constantly picked on by bullies but dreams of his violent revenge finds a friend in the dead-on vampire persona Eli. Eli isn't effected by the harsh cold, smells weird, only comes out at night, and never claims to have a gender or an age. The relationship between the two is something to be desired, mostly because it's real. The story is haunting, the film is beautiful, and the score is absolutely earth shattering. You don't need a ton of blood, gore, or jump scares to make a quilty horror film, and this is the shining example of it. This film is EASILY the best horror film of the decade and I'd easily put it on my top 5 film list for the decade.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

HORROR HACKDOWN: Shaun Vs. Tallahassee

I know, I know, I'm a terrible blog writer and have neglected you fine folk for much too long. I've managed to sneak a little wireless connection so I can give you an actual post. I've been trying to figure out with a new feature for DotW for all you womanizers to enjoy, and today I have figured one out. Ever think of those "I wonder who would win in a fight?" situations but cannot bear to choose who would win? Well, now you can! I bring to you, the HORROR HACKDOWN! Let's Get Ready To CRUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEE!THIS WEEK'S MATCH: ZOMBIE COMEDY KILLERS SHAUN VS. TALLAHASSEE *ding ding*

In this corner, hailing from the Winchester Pub, in the trunks with some red on them, The Prince of Peanuts---SHAUN RILEY!! Now you may be wondering what this fumbling idiot who can't even make a dinner reservation has to do in this fight, but if you all recall, he is THE king of the zombie comedy.

Shaun may be a little irresponsible, a slacker, and owns some embarrassing vinyl albums...but who would think of a cricket bat to defend yourself in the zombie apocalypse? The rest of his crew took typical items like golf clubs, axes, shovels, baseball bats, you know...phallic objects. It may be an English thing, but the cricket bat is probably the coolest undead destroying instrument since the boomstick. Think of it this way, Shaun is like every Average Joe you meet on the street. He's just like you! It's always a nice thought that you don't need to be this rough and tumble guy to survive. All you need is some passion and a good weapon.

Shaun is a great zombie killer for the fact that he's not only thinking about himself. It's very easy to become selfish in a time of crisis and only care about keeping yourself alive. While this is a nice plan for yourself, its a disastrous plan for those who actually have a heart. Shaun had been completely neglecting those who care the most about him, but when put in the situation where he's almost expected and allowed to be selfish...he's not. He works to keep not just himself afloat, but his mother, girlfriend, her flatmates, his best friend, and for a while even his hated step-father. He risked his life traveling from his house to his mother's house, and then even climbed up a building to save his girlfriend and her flatmates. That's the true act of a hero if you're asking me. So basically, He's not some uber badass who knows exactly what to do, he's just someone who's probably grown up watching the uber badasses who know exactly what to do. He's thrust into this situation, and while he's hesitant at first, he almost comes to terms with it and realizes what needs to be done to try and survive. So off he goes to secure his loved ones and hold down in the safest place he can think of. It may not all work out, but he at least does something instead of sit and panic.

The quick thinking Shaun has an ability to use everything from couch pillows, to laundry baskets, to records, and even a fire extinguisher as a weapon shows that he has the ability to think on his toes. HOWEVER: one of the downfalls Shaun has is that he is accompanied by Ed. While Ed may be the best zombie movie sidekick known to man, he DOES hold him back. He draws unnecessary attention, he's loud, and he pisses off the whole group. Always note if Shaun is on your team, So is Ed. So be prepared to be pissed off about cell phone calls, wrecking cars, turning on arcade games, and throwing out the first album you've ever bought.

**********

And in this corner, riding up on a bright yellow #3 H2, in the Twinkie yellow trunks, it's time to Nut Up or Shut Up-TALLAHASSEE! His momma said that one day he'd be good at something, but I must agree when he says that I bet she never thought that thing would be zombie killing. Some people are just born badass, I have to say that Tallahassee is one of those people.

Armed with a hell of a vehicle, a ton of weapons, and the pure fury to destroy the undead; Tallahasse is a bonafide zombie killing machine. He takes no mercy with the flesh eating freaks and doesn't kill just for survival, but for entertainment as well. His weapon of choice may be a gun of any form, but he's been known to kill them off with more creative items like a banjo. Or you could always set him up in a carnival where you know he can lock himself in a game booth and take out about a hundred of them with some bullets.

Tallahassee would be the absolutely coolest person to travel around killing zombies with. Not only does he make almost a game out of killing the undead, but he's also a die-hard Bill Murray fan. You can tell from his conversations with not just his sidekick Columbus, but also Little Rock and Witchita that he truly does love this idea of the zombie slaughter. You could share zombie killing tips as well as share stories of the zombies you annihiliated before you and Tallahassee hooked up. He's also a man of taste, if two teenage girls steal your car, he's not just going to take the next one he sees, he's going to be killing zombies in style. I mean if you're going to go out, you might as well look good doing it. If you're ever in fear that Tallahasse may be losing his touch, bribe him with Twinkies and I guarantee that's the easiest way to light a fire underneath him. It's like they say, "You gotta enjoy the little things"

Tallahasse isn't a one man band. You will also be dealing with the little spit-fuck Columbus, as well as 12 year old Little Rock and her fellow conwoman sister Witchita. As much as you believe having them around may be good for you, it's very difficult dealing with not just one person, but one person who's extremely paranoid as well as two children who would turn you in for a gun and a vehicle quicker than you can say "Zombie Kill of the Day".


WHO SHOULD WIN THIS FIGHT? VOTE FOR YOUR PICK ON THE POLL ON THE SIDE


Monday, December 28, 2009

THE OATMEAL: Twatlight bashing at its FINEST

Since I'm typing to you fine kids from my Samsung Moment (hello name dropping!) I felt today was worth a very very wonderful and yet very lazy post. I absolutely LOVE The Oatmeal and found myself falling behind on the articles. However when I went to the site this morning, I came across this article of PERFECTION, and I figured I'd post it here to show you all its wonderful-ness.

NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS! THIS IS ALL THE OATMEAL. THANK THEM FOR WRITING IT, NOT ME. I JUST POSTED IT.

How Twilight Works

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy - where you know it's bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

The fans

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn't described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward - a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this "empty shell," the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I'm going to refer to her as "Pants" from here on out.

Pants

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand - and you've got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward's appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression "Edward's perfect face," and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color - even his goddamn breath (I'm not joking).

Edward

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she's bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure - a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

Edward

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way.

And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you're probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.

Beyond that, it's just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn't really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There's lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward's body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I'd stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.

The Twilight formula

This was written and illustrated by The Oatmeal 4 weeks ago

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A SHOWCASE OF PHONES IN HORROR FILMS

Oh my Womanizers! I have been enjoying the summer feeling down here in Florida except for this whole posting from my cell phone thing. Thank God I got a new phone with internet capability otherwise this would be one hell of a boring blog. However, all of this phone business has once again; inspired a completely random and unnecessary showcase of an item that gets little to no recognition as far as the film is concerned. Today's showcase: THE PHONE.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Ladies and Gentlemen, I must bite my tongue. This photograph is proof that Heather Langenkamp does in fact change her facial expression at least once in the entire film. I didn't think it was possible, but I must tell you all that I stand corrected. When Freddy Kruegar's tongue sticks through the end of the telephone receiver, he instigates the only time she changes that half-constipated look on her face.
THE RING
I apologize for the lack of scared Naomi Watts holding a telephone picture. Google images hates me, and I'm on a phone...give me a break. However, I will say that we have two phone lines in our house and after my sister watched this film for the first time, I called the house and told her she was going to die in 7 days...I honestly thought she was going to break glass with how loud that child screamed. Totally worth it.
ONE MISSED CALL
Do yourself a favor and completely forget about that stupid ringtone as well as the stupid remake that was the American version of this film. Try to think back to a simpler time when Asian filmmakers found a way to make a cellphone scare the bajeesus out of you and give an entirely new meaning to one missed call. Let's just say, I still get a mild heart attack when I see a number on my cell phone I don't recognize. It's normally just someone being a jerk and *67'ing me, but still.
SCREAM
"Do you like scary movies?" Uh..Yes. Yes I do. Sorry Billy/Stu, I'm pretty sure I know a hell of a lot more about horror films than you two who clearly spend half the film trying to hide your love affair from the world and have to get your kicks whacking of Drew Barrymore (who finally shows us how good jiffy pop is) and her boyfriend AND torturing a bad bang haircut having Neve Campbell. Seriously? Get a new schtick.
HALLOWEEN
Congratulations to the Dream Team of John Carpenter and Debra Hill! This scene was not only included on this showcase, but was also on the Top 10 Most Awesome Glasses list! Way to go! Congrats on showing us how strangling a girl with a phone cord while she's naked and you're wearing a bed sheet and the glasses of her recently axed off boyfriend!
WHEN A STRANGER CALLS
Anyone who has ever seen this film and done any form of babysitting knows that there is nothing more horrifying than when the house phone of the family you're watching the kids of rings. I think it's even scarier nowadays because people have cellphones. Who even uses a landlines anymore other than political campaigns, telemarketers, and your great grandmother wishing you a happy birthday? Needless to say, this film is BY FAR the scariest use of a telephone in horror.

With the aid of the wonderful world of youtube, I'm also giving you a video of the last 5 or so years of horror films where someone experiences a cell phone FAIL. You're Welcome.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

FUZZY CREATURES THAT FREAK ME OUT




Well, it's Christmas Eve (SCREW BEING PC) and everyone knows that this time of the year brings good tidings, good times, and *hopefully* good gifts! I don't know about all of you, but I'm spending my winter holiday season with my extended family which includes a 6 year old, a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a new born. Do you have any idea what that means? TONS OF STUFFED ANIMALS. I'm not sure who's idea it was to give children excessive amounts of fuzzy cratures to line their beds with, but my family does NOT skimp out on the fluffed and stuffed animals. I will admit I have a stuffed animal or twelve that I've had since childhood, but more often than not, fuzzy creatures give me the willies. Here's a little summary of all the fuzzy creatures that freak me the french out.









GREMLINS
These stupid things come with instructions. Do you know what happens if you break the rules? Oh yeah, they turn into these psychotic creatures that wear sunglasses and terrorize your neighborhood. I'm on to you Gizmo, I know your tricks.

THE FLYING MONKEYS IN THE WIZARD OF OZ
You know as well as I do that the craziest and creepiest thing in TWOZ next to those damn trees or the Wicked Witch herself, are her flying monkey friends. They shriek, they wail, they kidnap you, and they carry you throughout the sky. Screw them. Screw them hard.










TEDDY RUXPIN
Did you ever get the feeling that your toys may possibly be telling you to kill people in your sleep? Did you ever get the feeling that your doll was watching you at all times? Did you ever get the feeling that your teddy bear may in fact be out to get you? Then I guarantee you never owned a Teddy Ruxpin...





THE CHESHIRE CAT FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND
I know, I'm going against everything that his holy by saying the Cheshire Cat freaks me out. It's not necessarily the cat himself, but the Disney adaptation. I saw Alice when I was very very little and I remember his smile being the only thing seen and freaking my brains out. I learned to LOVE him very very much, but as for BJ-C age 4? Not so much.

EWOKS AND CHEWBACCA
Age: 3 and a half. Time: 3:22 AM. Ingested: Much too much sugar for anyone under the age of 18. First sight upon waking: THAT PICTURE. Now tell me, wouldn't you freak out too?

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