Friday, October 30, 2009

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM HOSPITAL BEDS AND AMC MOVIE MARATHONS

Well Howwwwdy Womanizers. I am proud to say that I am back in the dorm room and fully functional once again. I will say that during my stint in the infirmary, I was blessed with no DVD player, but cable TV. HOWEVER, (this is a big however...hence the caps lock) I dropped the remote the day I got there, and my happy self was NOT getting up to get it. So I was stuck watching AMC's movie marathons all week. This isn't a bad thing to say the least, but it isn't a very good thing either. If you haven't been watching at home, they've had a pretty decent lineup, HOWEVER (there's that pesky caps locked however again) they've been repeating films like its their job. It probably is someone's job...but that's beside the point! I have watched Thir13en Ghosts a total of four times this week, Bride of Chucky twice, The Shining three times, The House on Haunted Hill twice, Halloween 4 twice, and Halloween 5 twice. Thank god I fell asleep the rest of the hours of the day so I wasn't to be burdened with things like End of Days...I somehow managed to get a nurse to bring me the remote and I also watched the entire Final Destination series on SyFy or some other channel excluding the 3-D shit storm...anywho, I've picked up a few things from watching these movies so many times, enough to make a little grocery list!

1) The Grady girls in The Shining aren't twins(in the movie)! I don't know how long it freaking took me to realize this or how many times I've watched these films, but they're 8 and 10. Last I checked, you can't hold a fetus in yo belly for 2 years if the twin sister has been born. Yeah, I'm a little late catching the Grady sister train but hey, these things happen.

2) The Grady girls are much more terrifying in the cafeteria type area in the hotel than they are slaughtered in the hallway...but that's just my opinion man.

3) Katherine Heigl is embarrassed and hates noting that she was the star of Knocked Up...and yet she doesn't ever talk about her regretful decision to play Jade in Bride of Chucky. Weird. Hilarious blockbuster comedy or absolutely ridiculously shitty horror film that is the joke end of the franchise...hmm...someone's got their priorities a little jacked.

4) Jennifer Tilly was an Academy Award nominee....Jesus H. Christ.

5) Thir13en Ghosts had so much potential to be absolutely horrifying. The Jackal and the Juggernaut are freaking scary ass mofos. Not to mention the Torso freaks me out as well as the (not nearly shown enough) Bound Woman. I will say that I got a little sick of the overly dramatic Angry Princess and her emo wrist cutting antics, but Christ that film could have been so freaking scary...and its not.

6) Is it really necessary for every 90's horror film to have a token African-American to make stupid ass comedic relief jokes? ITS A HORROR MOVIE, I DON'T NEED YOUR ONE LINER'S RAH DIGGA!

7) How in God's name could the dude who plays Monk ever procreate and create Shannon Elizabeth...

8) Damn my childhood for still making me shit a brick when House on Haunted Hill comes on and Price is put in that room a ma jigger. I get 9 years old all over again. That film may have scarred me for life. I am not ashamed to admit that. I was born in 1990. Throw me a friggen bone. This film is the reason I love old horror, without it...I never would have researched Vincent Price. Don't mock me. Bitch.

9) Jeffery Combs can do no wrong. Even in what is seen as a very very shitty film, he's still freaking awesome. I bow to you my friend. I bow to you. *bows*

10) I take it back. House on Haunted Hill isn't THAT bad. I'll admit the darkness nonsense is well...nonsense, but the hallucinations and the kills are pretty freaking weird and messed up...okay so the film is that bad. I can't help but defend my gateway film!

11) How heavy do those earrings Tina rocks in Halloween 5 look? They're like legit locks dangling off her lobes. Owwwwww.

12) Since when does Michael Myers know how to drive? Seriously, when the hell did he get time to learn to drive without doing that awkward stop start thing that all kids just learning to drive do? He should be winning money at the arcade, then he can hire someone to find Laurie for him and save himself the trouble.

Until next time my darlings....
Peace, Love, & Brains

Thursday, October 29, 2009

THIS JUST IN

Dark Castle Entertainment tries just a little bit too hard to pay homage don't you think...
I mean Geoffrey Rush's character is named Stephen PRICE even.
We get it guys.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

THE TOP 11 SICKEST FLICKS (literally)


As you know I was hospitalized this weekend, which is code for "I've been living on my futon, living off of soup, and watching excessive amounts of horror films". So it got me thinking, being sick and feeling like death is the WORST feeling in the entire world, there must be about a bazillion horror films that have to do with sickness/virus/bacteria/epidemics. Aaaand. I was right. So I've compiled a deathbed inspired list of the Top 11 Sickest Horror Flicks(literally)!

11) SPLINTER
I hate skin eating viruses/parasites of any form. I have a super huge phobia of catching leprosy (I know how insane that sounds because this isn't Jesus time) so anytime there is a film with things under the skin, I just get all squirmy and stuff. Splinter tells a story of this gross parasitic creature that attacks the warmest thing it can find and just makes me feel super uneasy to watch. The tagline "It will get under your skin" rings oh so true. Just seeing the little splintery vermin underneath the bodies freaks me out like there is no tomorrow. This is like half a step behind eye-trauma as my least favorite thing to watch in horror films.


10) DOOMSDAY
Even without the whole virus idea of it, this film is a hell of a lot of fun. However we're not looking to review, we're looking to do as Disturbed so angrily said and GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS! Basically there's this thing called the Reaper Virus and it wreaks havoc all around everywhere. It's a post-apocolyptic film with some killer kills that aren't even associated with the virus. There's a hell of a lot of infection and just a ton of awesome sauce all around.

09) OUTBREAK
Okay, so it's not a horror film per say...but my blog, my rules! I seriously hope the government watches this film with this H1N1 bull going on. Outbreak shows the outcome of spreading an Ebola-likecrazy virus called Metoba(way to go McDreamy...) This is one of the first films that raised the question what the hell would the government do if there ever was an outbreak? It's a pretty damn realistic film and makes me really want to carry around Germ-X or Purel.


08) REPO! The Genetic Opera
Organ Failure Epidemics, addictions to Zydrate, dead bodies, Sarah Brightman, and MUSICAL THEATRE *jazz hands*. Repo! The Genetic Opera is a pretty nifty rock opera that explores our futuristic world where people rely on excessive amounts of surgeries to survive and because of this need for constant surgery, people become addicted to it. Not to mention the main character, Shilo is dying from some unseen disease that turns out to be man made. This film is chock full of illness and the musical numbers just make it all the better.

07) CABIN FEVER
Again with the flesh eating viruses. Eli Roth...you are a torturing, sick man...and I LOVE it. It's absolutely impossible to hear the word "Cabin Fever" and not instinctively think of the blonde chick without lips, or the almost-too-hard-to-watch shaving off skin scene in the bathtub. I can't handle skin disorder flicks and Cabin Fever seriously kicks my ass everytime its on. I can't help it, everyone's gotta have a weakness right?

06) [REC]
It's not the only movie to treat zombies like a biological disease, but it definitely deals with it the most realistically. What was being treated as a virus that caused demonic possession, it turned out that this virus was basically a zombie outbreak. I can honestly say, that if a real zombie outbreak ever happened, it would probably be more like REC than any other zombie movie....Which scares the living crap out of me.

05) THE STAND (mini-series)
Oh Stephen King you screwed up bastard. You gave us men who lost their mind, houses that ate people, telekinetic killer teens, cars that drive without people in them, a jacked up dog, the reason people are afraid of clowns...and then THIS. The story tells of humanity being infected with a superflu named "Captain Trips". We follow a group of survivors that don't have much in common other than the fact they're all still uninfected.

4) RESIDENT EVIL
I'm not going to lie, the T-Virus scares the living hell out of me. What was created as something to actually do good for humanity, was abused and mutated into this whole "resurrect dead bodies and create super freaky dogs and weird lickers" thing. One of the many virus inspired zombie flicks, this one shows how quickly we can be infected, and how quickly that infection can mutate into terror.

03) HOUSE OF USHER
Disease.
Makes.
You.
Look.
Dead.
Written.
By.
Poe.
Starring.
Vincent.
Fucking.
Price.
Any Questions?


02) 28 DAYS/WEEKS LATER
if [REC] is the most realistic film as far as "zombie" outbreaks are concerned, these films are a pretty damn close second. I use the word "zombie" loosely because I know these infected aren't the undead, they're just infected. But once again my blog, my rules...I'll call them whatever the hell I feel like. The look in the eyes of these infected people scare the daylights out of me because I truly believe that we will look like that if we are ever plagued with zombieness or something. The Rage Virus=horrifying.


01) OMEGA MAN, I AM LEGEND, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH ETC.
The viral infection film that started it all! Humanity is has been destroyed as we've all been infected and wiped the french out. Though the novel has been changed in all three of the film adaptations, the heart is still the same. One man is found to be immune to the infection and is the last man standing. Scary to think that one of us out there is bound to be the one immune soul and that these films represent our fate...lord. I need to start working out just in case.

More photos from my deathbed.


As you may or may not know, yours truly is a former beauty queen. Every queen's year has to come to a close and new girls have to be crowned. The above image is the set of new girls and their 1st runner ups scaring it up at our towns annual haunted house. Each year the Queens are given a room to do whatever they want as long as they promise to lose the pageant look and scare the living daylights out of the community. I like to think they did a fab job :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I've never been more proud of my family...


I was in the hospital this morning so I'm sort of useless, but I thought shamelessly showing off my family members would suffice the fact that I'm laying on my death bed.

Friday, October 23, 2009

HALLOWEEN HIJINKS: The Evolution of Halloween to YOU

I'm not sure if any of you out there have discovered the gem that is ruminations.com, but it's basically just a website of collected random thoughts that are hilarious as hell. Today they put one on there that actually made me laugh so hard that I have to do an entire post centered around it.

The evolution of Halloween: Cute > Cool > Scary > Slutty > Candy Distributor.

Cute: Maybe I'm sick for thinking that Halloween should be scary at any age, but I've recently discovered that I stand alone on that whole ordeal. Apparently, before your child is in about the 2nd grade, it's almost guaranteed that no matter what you put your kid in...they're going to be cute. Even if you don't want your child to look like an Anne Geddes calender, they're STILL going to look cute. There's nothing more adorable than a 2 foot Jason Vorhees or a little Darth Vader making saber noises. My ma runs a daycare and Halloween is always the cutest day of the year with little bumble bees bopping around, the baby in the Jack o Lantern costume, and the one parent I high five who lets their 5 year old be Dracula. It's so cute, I can't even handle it.

Cool: What is up with the parents that treat Halloween like the friggen science fair? In all fairness, my parents and I always came up with some pretty crafty ideas, but some people just go crazy. One year, my parents got a ton of those manniquen heads that cosmotology students use for school and fuzed a picture of my face screaming on two of them. I dressed like a devilish cook and was serving my own severed heads for dinner. I remember there was always one girl in the class who's mom went totally Martha Stewart and would create the most incredible costumes. Of course there's the parents that make their kids gumballs with balloons, but sometimes...they get a little a head of themselves. You see these pics B-Sol???

Scary: This should really be a no brainer. It just isn't Halloween without the asshole teenagers dressing completely horrific and terrifying Trick-or-Treaters. When I was growing up, there was always this guy who would dress like Michael Myers and just walk the street. He didn't try to scare anyone, he didn't even speak, he just walked. It was the most horrifying experience of my life to have him cross my path. I'll never forget him standing in the street. He just stood there. Kids ran past him and he never once moved, almost scarred me for life.

Slutty: What is it about Halloween that just says "I'm going to go half naked in public in the middle of Fall and no one will try to pay for me to come home with them"? 90% of Halloween costumes today for the collegiate and young adult population are missing so much fabric you can't even tell what they were supposed to be in the first place. My friend was a "racecar driver" last year. Her costume consisted of yellow hot pants, and a yellow bra with a checkered border. As far as I'm concerned, she was a taxi cab in a nudist colony. However, I admit that I am guilty as last year I was "snakes on a plane" and my flight attendant costume was pretty titacular...and this year Ash is wearing short shorts and a black lace bra.

Candy Distrubutor: Sometime around middle age/marriage, gone are the days of actually getting to go all out for Halloween. I mean, drinking for the entire weekend in three different costumes everynight. So when you DO get the chance to go out. You better do it right, because tomorrow...you've got candy duty.

SAW VI: Scares because they Care

So it's probably the beauty queen in me, but I am a sucker for anything charitable. I was recently sent an email from the cool folks from Saw and I love me some charity causes. CHECK IT OUT.

"On behalf of Lionsgate, we are pleased to announce eBay charitable auctions for SIX posters from “SAW VI” signed by Tobin Bell, Kevin Greutert, Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton, Costas Mandylor, and Tanedra Howard, benefiting The Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. The winning bidders will receive studio certified posters signed by the cast and filmmakers along with a signed letter verifying their authenticity. In addition to the poster, each winning bidder will also receive a SAW VI t-shirt, SAW’s I-V DVD pack, two SAW VI syringe pens, and lollipops. Auctions begin today and will end Friday, October 30th, 2009. Interested fans and collectors should be aware there are only a limited amount of posters available. "

Included In This Package:

A Poster Signed by Tobin Bell, Kevin Greutert, Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton, Costas Mandylor, and Tanedra Howard

A Hand Signed Letter from a Lionsgate Executive

SAW VI T-Shirt, SAW’s I-V DVD Pack, SAW VI Syringe Pen, and Lollipops

Please click on the following links to view the auctions:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423689427&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423689633&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1182

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423689785&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1182

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423689921&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1182

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423690060&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1182

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180423690172&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123#ht_500wt_1182

GO DIRECTLY TO THE LIGHTNING BUG'S LAIR. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS


So T.L. Bugg has recently been asking us fellow horror addicts to submit a list of horror sequels. We all make lists of awesome films to watch during the Halloween season, but no one really showcases sequels. My little list got put up along with his entry for Return to Sleepaway Camp. It's pretty awesome.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

MY EVIL DEAD INSPIRED CHAINSAW ARM!!!

With some weird looks at Farm King, a disapproved Dollar General cashier when I bought a boomstick and nothing else, a ton ton ton of help from my good friend Hutch, and some honking drive-by ED fans...I NOW HAVE AN EVIL DEAD CHAINSAW ARM. We used the tutorial from IndyMogul that I posted a few days ago. And I just had to show you the (two steps away from being) finished product!

Putting Duct Tape around the arm
Hutch's Handiwork
My age is showing...

Oh hot damn!

THIS JUST IN

video
Yes, I am in fact hyperactive.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

HALLOWEEN HIJINKS: Terrible Halloween Posters!

I had intended to make this entire month just a Halloween Hijink filled spectacular, but after about a gazillion emails begging for a TpT, I'm bending the rules a little bit. Hey, it's my blog...my rules. Anyway, it was brought to my attention by B-Sol of The Vault of Horror (what else is new?) that the posters for Halloween 4 & 5 are ridiculously similar. Not only are the titles a mere 5 letters in difference, but whoever had to make the posters for these films was a MEGA slacker.

First of all, they both use that shiteous mask. There is absolutely NOTHING remotely terrifying about that stupid thing. I understand that after films become huge successes that people manufacture costume pieces so little boys and girls can walk around pretending to be Michael Myers and the like...but that doesn't mean the film sequels should use those costume pieces. If by chance you ARE going to use the horrible masks...DON'T ADVERTISE WITH IT! You already took two posters and made them almost identical, just do the same thing but rip off the 1st poster.

Secondly, these movies are seriously only 5 letters in difference. Was someone that lazy or did they really want to confuse the living hell out of the fans? It doesn't help that the font on the titles and subtitles are identical. I wonder how many mixups people had at Blockbuster. The films are alphabetically lined up, so there has to be a few instances of it. Could you imagine the bitch-fits that would occur? I SAID I WANTED RACHEL CARRUTHERS ON THE ROOF, NOT TINA IN A MAID COSTUME!? Okay, maybe not that many, but I would...

Who came up with these headlines? I honestly think they made a contest out of it and it was for people between the ages of 5-12 that could enter. They're not clever, they're not scary, and they're obvious. "10 years ago he changed Halloween and now he's back?" No shit, he was back in the second film too. "Michael lives and this time they're ready?" What is he, hurricane season? I beg to differ. There's about 12 more films after this one where he's alive and kicking.

Can we also discuss how the H5 poster's knife blade doensn't have a handle or any fade to it whatsoever? It just looks like its floating there. The only thing good about either of these posters...is Jamie Lloyd. EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T WEAR THE CLOWN COSTUME IN H5!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELA LUGOSI!

Happy Birthday Bela Lugosi, born October 20, 1882.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Random Ramblings from the Mistress of Macabre

Yeah, I'm not even going to act like I'm not ripping off The Vault of Horror right now, cause I totally am. B-Sol gave me permission though, so I don't care. Basically, what this is for is for me to have an excuse to ramble about random horror schtuff that's on my mind. Got it? Good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

1) Since when did it become a prerequisite to make horror films to be mindblowingly hot? Paging Eli Roth and Paul Solet....WHY AREN'T YOU ON TOP OF ME?! I mean, if a guy loves horror it's almost a guarantee that I'll be attracted to them. BUT THEN YOU MAKE THEM ATTRACTIVE?! Yeah...instantly in love. Even Rob Rodriguez is looking foxy these days and now that Rose McGowan and him are on the rocks... I seriously think God is just trying to torture me. In fact, I'm almost positive he is trying to torture me. Goodness gracious great balls of fire, Batman...

2) How much does it suck to be Kelly Rowland-the other girl from Destiny's Child that isn't Beyonce? I mean Beyonce gets nominated for all these awards, has apparently the best music video of all time (Thanks Kanye) and a starring role in Dreamgirls. Kelly Rowland gets a shitty single release and gets tossed into Freddy Vs. Jason. Ouch man. Ouch. I mean, even Tyra recovered and now is a serious mogul, I guess you can't have it all. Could be worse though, could be Michelle Williams aka the Shemp of Destiny's Child.

3) Speaking of FvJ...WHEN ARE THESE HORROR ACTRESSES GOING TO REALIZE RUNNING BACKWARDS=RUNNING INTO THE KILLER?! Scream never touched on that one. They should have, that rule is broken more than Lil' Wayne's condoms.

4) HOW FREAKING TERRIFYING WAS IT TO HEAR CATHERINE O'HARA THREATEN TO EAT MAX IN WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE?! I know people were distracted by Gandolfini's voice...but knowing the same redheaded woman that has the most recognizable yelling of the name Kevin in the history of cinema threatening to eat a 9 year old boy...haunts my nightmares. I think it's the teeth on Judith monster. I was seriously in hyper-freakout mode.

5) Has anyone ever realized how terrifying the film Willow is? Yes, the film with all the midgets.

6) Let's say I was Jigsaw. If I were to insert a box of Twinkies inside Nada's stomach and a pack of bubblegum inside Tallahassee...who would be victorious? I really can't decide. I could see Tallahassee pulling out some crazy stuff to get to them, but I could see Nada just blowing Tallahassee away...God, the epicness of that battle...

7) I literally cried when I realized I couldn't go to Flashback Weekend in Chicago.

HALLOWEEN HIJINKS: HOW TO MAKE ASH'S EVIL DEAD CHAINSAW ARM

The amazing people at IndyMogul and their Backyard FX videos have brought you this work of awesomeness!

Guess who's using this tutorial for their Halloween costume and writes a super awesome blog???
Yeah, me.

GIMME SOME SUGAR BABY: A lifelong love affair with Ashley J. Williams

Hello there Womanizers! Yes, yes you have turned into the right station and there is no need to change the settings on your screen...I AM BACK! Since I oddly decided that studying for midterms should take precedence over the people who love me most, I figured the only way for me to make it up to you, is by giving you a bomb diggity post. Maybe you've been following me from day one, or maybe you're a first time reader...if you've done your expected light internet stalking, it's no secret that I have a lovely fangirl obsession with not only Bruce Campbell but his iconic character Ashley "Ash" J. Williams from Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series. I make mention of my love for him, but I've never really gone into details on how this all started, and how deep this infatuation really is. So here's a trip down memory lane and an adventure inside the mind of BJ-C...this is a look at a lifelong love affair with Ashley J. Williams.

The obsession started when I was merely 10 years old. At a young age, I was already a horror hound with my roots in 80's slashers shown to me by my mother and Vincent Price's classics given to me by the owner of the Ma & Pa video store down the street from me. It wasn't until I was about 10 that I ventured in the back room of the video store to pick out horror flicks of my own. I'll never forget the day my eyes fell upon The Evil Dead. I couldn't even tell you what the film was sandwiched between, because my eyes were drawn directly to the image of a woman reaching for dear life to the surface while a hand was pulling at her throat from underground. That image will forever be ingrained into my psyche as one of the most horrifying things I had ever seen. I grabbed the VHS and headed to the counter to take home my finding. The video store manager just shook his head and asked if I was prepared for this. I instinctively told him "If I can handle John Carpenter, Wes Craven, and Stephen King...then I can handle this Sam Raimi guy. I've never even heard of him!". The store clerk just nodded his head giggling and sent me on my way.
The first thing that completely drew me in about Bruce Campbell was how unusually handsome he was. He knows it too. If chins really could kill...I would be six feet under. Coming from a girl who told her mother she was going to marry John Lennon at the age of 4, I was well aware of the attractive nature of the male species and wanted Ashley J. Williams to give me a mirror necklace more than anything. I even had a little plastic mirror/magnifying glass looking thing that I chained around my neck when I was little. It's long gone now which is very depressing, but I came across it a few years ago and it took me back :) For my twelfth birthday, my parents got me tickets to see N*SYNC in concert and an Evil Dead II poster. I went to the concert, rocked my brains out, and went home to put up my poster...on my ceiling. That's right, I was a bit of a deviant even in my younger years. I couldn't explain it. Most girls my age were swooning over Justin Timberlake and Leonardo DiCaprio, and I was absolutely head over heels with Ashley J. Williams. There was something about his confident, his sexy one liners, and the chainsaw arm that just drew me in like no other.

Evil Dead II is what REALLY sparked my obsession. I knew Ash was a cool dude in the first one, but the second film absolutely blew my mind. I couldn't believe what I was seeing on screen. A guy who cut his own arm off, the laughing rooms escalated times a BILLION, a reflection popping out of the mirror and grabbing him!? I couldn't believe it. I was hooked on it, and it was the absolute perfect treat for my bloodlust. The one liners given to him in this film really got me going and after puberty hit...all bets were off. It was after I went through puberty that I finally got around to watching Army of Darkness. I had been putting it off for a while because I knew the storyline wouldn't be anything like EDI OR EDII and I was afraid that it would ruin my obsession with Ash....boy was I wrong. The second I saw him half naked, boom stick in hand....it was love.


My obsession has gone to the point of owning random bits of Evil Dead memorobelia (thanks to some lovely donations and presents) and I'm proud to say that this Halloween...I will be a female version of Ash. Pictures will come.
Peace, Love, and Brains.
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