Tuesday, June 30, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!

Let's say you were making a horror movie. And let's say, for the sake of argument, that you had come up with the awesomely brilliant title of "Evilution" for your horror movie. And further, let's say that you had a poster made up for your movie, and it looked like the one to the right. Not bad, eh? Not bad at all. Pretty creepy, kind of makes you want to see what it's all about, no? You'd think if this was your movie poster, you would've left well enough alone.

But no. Because there really was a movie last year called "Evilution". And unfortunately, this poster was only one of two created to advertise the film. The other.... was this:


Dear Womanizers, this is the poster that Terrible Poster Tuesday was invented for.

Where to begin. Where. To. Begin... It's almost as if a bunch of ADHD-stricken teenage boys were gathered together in a room and asked to pitch a bunch of ideas... and then all of them were used.

We have some kind of alien skull exploding, for some reason which remains unknown. Emerging from that skull is a veritable cornucopia of awfulness. Giant strands of DNA appear to be stretching out, like branches of the tree of suck. And in the midst of these quizzical chromosomes? Some screaming dude--holding not just a high-powered rifle, but also... a syringe! Hear that, people? If his gun don't kill ya, he's gonna stick ya full of groady super-virus with his bad-ass mega-needle!

And why is this guy screaming? Could it have something to do with the worst case of varicose veins ever that he has going on? Kind of reminds me of Bane from Batman & Robin, only not as well-executed. Now that I think about it, it's very possible that this guy is screaming at his agent...

About the topline... I understand connecting the flick to Dog Soldiers, a woefully underrated werewolf movie. But boasting "From the Writer of Cemetery Gates?" For those who may not know, Cemetery Gates was a 2006 turkey about a genetically mutated Tasmanian Devil. I'm not making that up. And when looking it up on IMDB, the very first user review (one-star) is entitled, "Terrible, will make you stupid".

But I digress. Allow me to get back to the morass of garbage that is the design of this poster. Double-helices, screaming guys with guns and syringes, and alien skulls aren't the only things clamoring for attention from your resentful eyeballs as they scan this thing. We can also see a bunch of jets flying overhead, and a bunch of tiny soldiers and other random people emerging from said alien skull.

Oh, and if you weren't sure what the movie was about, there's a giant "radioactive" symbol right behind Screaming Guy's head like a halo, almost making him look like the patron saint of kill-yourself. But just one "radioactive" symbol isn't enough, because there's also what looks to be another, smaller one, right over Screaming Guy's crotch... The lines forms to the right, ladies!

And the whole thing is splattered across a grainy, super-busy background in about 18 different shades of blue--just in case there was a slight chance there wasn't enough going on.

I'm almost proud of myself for unearthing this delirious piece of bad. I feel like the Indiana Jones of terrible movie posters. Top this, BJ-C. I dare you.

THIS JUST IN



1) I still haven't figured out if this kid was just sent out to these monster creatures and they pressed record...or if this kid is a damn good actor.

2) This is the most fucked up thing to turn on the TV to after watching a not-as-scary but very awesome screener...

3) This is seriously amazing, please watch.

Monday, June 29, 2009

TWATLIGHT T-SHIRT DESIGN CONTEST!!!

video

SEND ALL YOUR DESIGNS TO
BRITTNAHJADE@gmail.com

10 SCENES THAT MAKE ME PARANOID ABOUT THE REAL WORLD

Good Afternoon Womanizers! BJ-C has returned after a weekend of baton twirling competitions, a KISS concert, some family gatherings, and a Battle Royale between the Colangelo Family of Suburban, Illinois VS. The Financial Aid department of Western Illinois University. Let us first give it up to B-Sol of The Vault of Horror for that FABULOUS edition yesterday. It takes a strong man to take a walk in my shoes...because I wear heels in a men's size 6. HA! He did great and to thank him you should all invade the Vault. I'm in a list mood and after seeing KISS and how they relate a ton of their stage moves to other horror films I have seen; it makes me think of how horror films tie into my daily life. Not only do I use the quotes of horror films into my daily language, I also can picture certain situations in the real world from being freaked out by films. So here's a list of the 10 Scenes that make me paranoid about the real world. PS; I took that picture up there ;)

10) After-the-bar Street Scene from Shaun of the Dead
Do you ever get that feeling when you have to move your car from the street to the driveway at nighttime that you need to run to the car and unlock it from your front door because there's a good chance there's a zombie at the end of the road underneath a streetlamp waiting to come eat you? Yeah...me too.


09) There's a reason you leave the toilet seat cover up...-Ghoulies II
So, did you ever get that ooky feeling late at night when the Toilet seat cover is down when it is NEVER down that there just may in fact be a terrifying little bugger chilling in there waiting for you to pop a squat in order to eat your genetials and kill you so you contemplate peeing in either the bathtub or the sink but never do it because you lifted the seat with your feet from a safe distance? Welcome to my world.


08) God Damn Toys from Poltergeist
Remember when you were a little kid and you always had this irking suspicious feelingg that your toys actually came to life when you weren't there? (THANKS DISNEY.) Every kid has that fear of the weird-looking toys in his/her room coming to life, and thanks to the little boy from Poltergeist, I got to see what it would actually look like if it happened! It's OK though, it's not like I ever needed to sleep again for the rest of my life...


07) Who cares about Snakes When There's FIRE from Final Destination
Even if you've ridden a BILLION planes in your life, we all get that second thought that maybe, just maybe the bird is just going to crash & burn into the ground, exploding us into billions of pieces and burning our bodies so badly beyond recognition that we get put in history books? Okay, so I never had that thought until I saw the opening scene of this movie. The scripts may suck, but these films have the damn best opening sequences EVER. I check my goddamn tray table holder every time now.


06) Drill Baby, Drill from The Dentist
Today, I was squirming in my chair at the dentists office when I could hear that drill. I was NEVER afraid of men with big, powerful tools until I saw this film. I have sensitive gums to begin with and I'm always paranoid they're going to slip or just go in a downright hallucinatory rage and stab the living fuck out of my mouth.

05) How the hell are you calling from inside the house in 1979?-When a Stranger Calls
I always used to HATE when the phone would ring when I was babysitting because not only were you talking to random strangers that you don't know half the time, but you're also running the risk of picking up the phone and hearing some dude calling from inside the house telling you he's killed the kids or something. In this day and age with cell phones, someone could call me from behind the damn couch in the same room and I wouldn't know any different. Screw that. I hate phones.


04) Livin' it up while you're going down-Dawn of the Dead
Ever get that feeling when you're at the mall waiting for the elevator that if you open the door that a bunch of gray/green/blue tinted brain&flesh munchers were going to be awaiting you on the other side? Or the fear of opening the door because you'll be seriously trapped with NOWHERE to go? You don't? Well go watch Dawn of the Dead and call me later.


03) Sorry your date pretended to act dead just so he didn't have to go out with you Britt...-Night of the Creeps
Every girl has the fear that her date may not actually like them and that it's a bet or something. Or maybe I've just had one too many boyfriends that are professionals of the art of douchebaggery. However, I will say that I hate my door doesn't have a peephole because I've always had this weird fear that if I answer the door that I'll either be welcoming a mass murderer or a zombie boyfriend...I'm weird. I know.


02) Skin Condition...enough said -Cabin Fever
My biggest fear in the entire world is catching leprosy or some form of skin disease to where my body parts fall off or if i have a flesh eating virus or something. I get so paranoid about it that I shamefully enough avoid people who have skin conditions. It's a phobia and I seriously can't help it. I'm like that chick on Maury who's afraid of Pickles. Only...I'm afraid of skin. So needless to say, I'm TERRIFIED to shave my legs in hotels or homes that aren't running off of the same water line as mine...
01) Was there really another option for #1-Psycho
The scene that instilled paranoia in every person who's ever seen this film and taken a shower. Which I'm hoping is the majority. I live out of hotels in the summer for baton twirling and good lord, I get scared everytime. I lock the door. I put a garbage can next to it so I can hear if the door opens, and half the time...I "forgot my baton was in my hand so I might as well just leave it next to the shower". Call me paranoid, but I ain't ending up dead :)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Paradox of the Female Horror Fan

For the longest time, it was a common stereotype that your average horror enthusiast had to be male. Women had their chick flicks and assorted weepy dramas, so the generalization went--but when it came to good old slice-and-dice cinema, it was, much like the action movie, strictly the domain of those with XY chromosomes. But more and more, we find this stereotype to be woefully false (blogs like this one being among the prime indicators).

The truth is, women love horror. Lots of them. It is no longer solely the domain of the dudes--in fact, perhaps it never was to begin with.

A study conducted by Kansas State University in 2000 found some interesting results that bear directly on this phenomenon. It found, among other things, that women enjoy being scared by horror films. Part of the reason for this, the study found, is that women tend to identify with the victim in the movie more strongly than men.

A recent article in The Times of India reported that two-thirds of the audience for the 2005 Jennifer Connelly shocker Dark Water were women. Now, perhaps this can be chalked up to the fact that the main character was a women, but that doesn't explain why 37% of the audience for Hostel was female, as well as 35% of the audience for Wolf Creek. The first season of True Blood boasted two million viewers--60% of which were woman. That's more than for Sex in the City, incidentally.

It cannot be denied that women like to be scared. At least the women who make up these interesting percentages do.

"I believe women have an edge," says horror filmmaker Kiran Ramsay. "Nowadays, horror needs a psychological twist, and women are great at showcasing such dilemmas. Originally it was men who loved horror movies, it was a sign of machismo, but now women seem to be catching up fast."

There seems to be a growing interest in horror films amongst women. However, there's an important caveat here that needs to be discussed. Because there is a possibility that this interest may be tied to age, as well. For example, the participants in the aforementioned KSU study were of an average age of 19. And, as was pointed out recently in AxWound, an excellent online journal on gender in horror, it seems very often that women tend to abandon their horror proclivities as they get older. Is there any truth to this?

Marya Diederichs of AxWound points to the common phenomenon of teenage girls out at horror movies with their dates. In her article, she suggests that this affinity for horror may be, for some, more of a rite of passage than a genuine passion. In other words, young women of this sort will gravitate toward horror more for the date experience than the experience of the movie itself--i.e. screaming, jumping, clinging to your male companion, etc. While I find this assessment to be a bit stereotypical in and of itself, it certainly does make up at least a portion of the female horror audience--a portion usually reviled/ridiculed by the "true" female horror fan, who takes pride in her knowledge of and interest in the genre.

Diedrichs, herself a 30-something female horror fanatic, postulates, after discussions with family, co-workers and friends (some of whom once were fans with her, but are no longer), that there are women who abandon horror as they get older for the precise reason found to be of such importance in the KSU survey. Namely, that because female viewers tend to identify more with the victims in horror movies, that as they get older and attain more life experience of true victimization and brutality, it becomes a much more painful and less enjoyable experience to watch a horror movie.

While an interesting premise, it also makes the assumption that any female horror fan under the age of 21 has led a life of lollipops and rainbows, which unfortunately, is far from the truth. So, how to explain those horror fans among the female gender who are attracted to the genre purely and simply for what it is, rather than for some obtuse psychological reason?

Diedrichs has an interesting take on this, as well:

Certainly there are those who would find some way to assign negativity to our passions. Are we hiding feelings of insecurity which prompt us to relive those teenage rites of passage, trying to prove ourselves again and again? Is there an internal self-hatred at work? I would argue instead that an adult female horror fan is instead among the most confident of women. While many of us may have our triggers in specific films or situations which we dutifully avoid, we’re self-aware enough to know the reasons behind our fear. By recognizing the deeper meaning behind slasher and horror films we build a better understanding of ourselves as a gender and our place in the larger culture.

I find this to be a pretty sound assessment. Although tempted to do it with myself when trying to determine the origins of my horror fixation, I tend to distrust the over-psychoanalysis of things like that. Maybe that's why I like Diedrich's conclusion.

One thing is for sure, and that is that the stereotype of the all-male horror audience, and the stereotype of the woman who is repulsed by all things horrific, are things of the past. More than ever, the female horror fan is becoming the norm--and I think the rise of the web has also played a big part in this, giving people male and female a greater outlet than ever to express themselves and connect to others with similar interests. Just as it's cool to be a geek these days, it's also cool for women to enjoy a good scare.

And while this may tend to bring out the posers and phonies, you can bet that for every chick who pretends to like Saw so she can jump in her boyfriend's lap, there's a hardcore gal who can recite the entire screenplay to all three Evil Dead flicks on command.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT, AND PARTY EVERY DAY.


No, I like to rock n' roll all night and 'part' of every day. I usually have errands...I can only rock from like one to three.




I'LL BE BACK LATER TONIGHT
SUMMERFEST '09 BABY!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Mara Signed On For Second NOES film...pretentious much?


Living a grand total of about 40 minutes (20 if I'm driving) from where the new NOES film is being filmed, I've not been getting much information about the new film. I'll give them credit, all the kids over there are keeping their mouths shut tight. However, it has been leaked that our new Nancy Thompson, Rooney Mara has signed on for a sequel. Now, I'm all for people signing on for sequels because sometimes we're really lucky and get you know...like The Dark Knight or something. However, when you're re-making a horror classic/icon/awesomeness I wouldn't count my chickens. Yes, they are going to pull in a decent box office size because just like Zombieween, we were all way too curious to see what a different director would do to our slashing savior. However, look at the reviews and backlash that film got. There really isn't a middle to it. Either people really liked what he did with it, or they believe Rob Zombie is a douche bag for turning Michael Myers human and completely destroying what it is that made him so scary. Can you guess what side of the fence I'm on?

Anyway, so I'm cool with the remake because its bringing Freddy to a new audience, but allowing someone to sign on to a sequel of a remake that hasn't even finished filming yet...is absolutely retarded. How pretentious can you be?! You assume this film is going to be so mindblowingly awesome that you're already planning a sequel? Stupid. That attitude alone is already going to justify the pile of ostrich shit this film is probably going to be. There's no guarantee this movie will even be a hit. She might have strapped her career to a sinking stone. Its so presumptuous on their part to already be planning a sequel for a movie thats gotten such a NEGATIVE backlash Oh Jackie Earl Haley....please save this film!!! I mean, we've all seen the Zombieween 2 trailer. Since when does Mike Myers have a Jason Voorhees momma's boy attitude? And since when is Mike Myer's mom a white-wigged ghost bitch with too much eye makeup? That just makes me petrified for what they'd do to Freddy. What next? He was beaten up with a Stretch Armstrong as a child which is why he likes to stretch his arms out in boiler rooms? Did a teacher threaten him with nails on the chalkboard and now he has to scratch every surface he sees? ARE YOU JOKING!?

Have Some Respect for the King of Pop


You know what, this has nothing to do with horror but I don't care. I've had all I can stomach and I'm about to spew out a hell of a lot of word vomit. Today is a tragic and DARK day. You'd think that the death of the "World's Greatest Entertainer" would be treated with moments of silence and candlelit vigils. However if you look on the internet, we're still getting bombarded with asshole bloggers that are concentrating more on the controversy that surrounded him rather than the mind-blowing accomplishments he succeeded. This man broke more records, sold more records, and performed for more people than any other artist in existence.

I have absolutely ZERO respect for those who can't respect the dead. It is the single most disgusting trait of inhumanity one could possibly possess. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Every last one of you.

Its just that no matter what MJ may or may not have done, you cannot deny that he's the man. I had a conversation with an 85 year old woman in the Salon I work at who said "In my day, Frankie just had to smile to win an audience, and he did it well. Michael...he completely changed the world, and no one can touch him". You know what, she's right. NO ONE can do it like Michael. I don't care how many dance lessons you take, you will NEVER moonwalk the way he does. Actually, our culture has lost a lot in general in the department of death. Its an ugly thing. We've become a culture of sarcastic douchebags. That same old woman held my hand as I cried. I said t0 her "This is my moment. I was too young for Dean Martin, Lennon was gone before my parents were even in the same state, and Sinatra didn't hit me until i was 12. This is the first time that one of my heroes has left me, and I can remember it" You know what, it is. I have no shame in that. Michael Jackson was the first artist I fell in love with musically without any help from my parents. I was raised on 80's metal, the British Invasion, and The Rat Pack. I chose Michael on my own.

What's sad, is that this asshole mentality isn't going to stop here. What about when Phil Spector finally croaks? Are we going to remember the fact that he did more for music than most people could ever dream of? Or are you going to remember him as the man with awful hair who axed some chick? The man was responsible for creating a sound that also changed music. He's in the Rock and Roll hall of fame, and he's never performed a single concert. Phil didn't do one sound, he did everything from Tina Turner, to The Beatles, to The Ramones. That's DAMN impressive, but I guarantee you no one is going to say boo when he finally leaves this earth.

I'm just saying. How dare any of you deny this man the incredible things he's done. Set more records, sold more records than any artist in history. His music may not be in the same genre of Sinatra by any means, but his performance and stage presence truly set the stage for EVERY SINGLE music genre to come. Even garage bands after MJ threw in kicks and personality. He changed music video, he changed song style, he changed concert performances, he revolutionized the sound of music. I refuse to remember him in vain, and anyone who chooses to remember him as a monster, is disgusting.



We live in a society of whiners, complainers, and over=reacters. I mean shit. Obama is getting bombarded by PETA for swatting a fly? Gag me. I'm sarcastic, I'm a bitch, I love to shit-talk, and I do it with pride...BUT There's two things that you just don't fuck with. America & Death. Have some damn respect for the dead. Call me what you want, give me as many nasty comments as you'd like...I don't give a flying fuck. Michael Jackson is amazing, and if you can't accept that...I just feel sorry for you.

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” -Michael Jackson

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Rest In Peace: King of Pop

Where there is love, I'll be there

10 HORROR BOOKS I MUST READ BEFORE FALL SEMESTER.


Well in the good ol' border of Illinois and Wisconsin I was greeted this morning with not only a missing set of parents (thankyou Bon Jovi playing Summerfest!) but also a 9 BILLION degree forecast. Needless to say, I'm spending my day in doors for fear of melting. When I'm not blogging or stalking all of my readers/co-bloggers on facebook, I am an avid reader. I am one of those girls that goes to a book store and intends to read just a chapter or two to see if I like it, and end up reading the whole thing. Hey, saves me money. So I went on Borders to see if I could search up some new horror dandies for my summer reading list. Not only was I bitch-smacked in the face with the Twatlight bombarding me as the first picks when I typed "HORROR" but I was also pleasantly suprised. So, I've compiled a list of the 10 books I plan on reading before I head back to middle of nowhere Macomb for school. PS; that picture has nothing to do with this entry, it's just me being awesome.

Never Slow Dance With A Zombie: E. Van Lowe.
From all of the researching and such I've done on this book, I'm way too psyched. Do I care that it's written in the time frame of junior & high school? HELL NO. It's like Dance of the Dead with better editing! I however have to wait for its release in August..butThey also give you nifty rules :)
  • Rule #1: While in the halls, walk slowly and wear a vacant expression on your face. Zombies won't attack other zombies.
  • Rule #2: Never travel alone. Move in packs. Follow the crowd. Zombies detest blatant displays of individuality.
  • Rule #3: If a zombie should attack, do not run. Instead, throw raw steak at to him. Zombies love raw meat. This display of kindness will go a long way.
Flesh: Richard Laymon
No one in town has ever seen anything like it; a slimy, mobile tube of glistening yellow flesh with dull, staring eyes and an obscene, probing mouth. But the real horror is not what it looks like, or what it does when it invades your flesh - but what it makes you do to others. Thanks Amazon.Com for that MARVELOUS introduction. This is another book I have to wait until August to get the Mass Market reveal. It sounds pretty damn awesome. It's like mind control flubber, how freaking cool is that?! I can't wait. I really can't. It's going to be fabulous. It's going to end up being a movie (most likely). I really really really can't wait.

Lost Echoes: Joe R. Lansdale
This one is written by a 6-Time Stoker winner, so I know it's gotta be good. Oh yeah, he's also the same guy who wrote Bubba Ho-Tep...yes. The one with Bruce (i'd let you bone me with that chin) Campbell. Well, at least the short story that INSPIRED the film. This one is about Harry Wilkes, who develops the disconcerting ability of “hearing” trapped sounds that carry full-blown and bloody images of murders, rapes, vicious beatings, and traffic accidents. Uh, sounds terrifying and awesome.


Sharp Objects: Gillian Flynn
Chicago journalist Camille Preaker — whose penchant for self-mutilation has left her body a scarred map — is sent back to her hometown of Wind Gap, Missouri, to cover the murders of several young girls. Did an out-of-towner commit the crimes, as the police chief thinks, or was it a local, as Camille gradually comes to believe? Every day there brings her closer to an answer, but also forces her to relive more of her appalling childhood. -Entertainment Weekly
I love mysteries, I love them. I can't wait.

Cemetery Dance: Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child
No, no one wrote a novel completely surrounded by Linnea Quigley's dancing on the tombstone. William Smithback, a New York Times reporter, and his wife, Nora Kelly, an anthropologist with the New York Museum of Natural History, are celebrating their first anniversary when Smithback is fatally stabbed in their Manhattan apartment, apparently by a creepy neighbor, Colin Fearing, an out-of-work British actor. Given eyewitness descriptions of the killer, including one from Kelly herself, as well as surveillance footage showing a blood-stained Fearing emerging from the apartment building right after the crime, the case appears to be open and shut—until Pendergast and his NYPD ally, Lt. Vincent D'Agosta, learn that Fearing died almost two weeks earlier. -Amazon SICK!

Patient Zero: Jonathan Maberry.
Patient Zero is the latest and greatest from Jonathan Maberry. A cross between zombie fiction and 24-style government espionage. It's the story of hard-boiled cop Joe Ledger, and how he gets mixed up in a top secret agency's struggle against terrorists trying to use the undead as weapons of mass destruction....and what a fuckin page-turner. I'm reading. 75 pages in a sitting.-B-Sol :)


House of Leaves-Mark Z. Daneilewski
I've gotten more crap for not reading this book and being a horror blogger than I think I have for being Italian and not being tan. Had The Blair Witch Project been a book instead of a film, and had it been written by, say, Nabokov at his most playful, revised by Stephen King at his most cerebral, and typeset by the futurist editors of Blast at their most avant-garde, the result might have been something like House of Leaves. Written by a blind man named Zampanò, about a nonexistent documentary film--which itself is about a photojournalist who finds a house that has supernatural, surreal qualities. In addition to this Russian-doll layering of narrators, Danielewski packs in poems, scientific lists, collages, Polaroids, appendices of fake correspondence and "various quotes," single lines of prose placed any which way on the page, crossed-out passages, and so on.-Amazon

Zen of Zombie: Scott Kenemore
But what can I learn from zombies?' you are asking yourself. The answer: plenty. In The Zen of Zombie you'll learn some interesting skills, such as:
  • How to adapt to anything life (or the living) throws at you
  • How to slow down
  • How to remove prejudice from your life (a brain is a brain is a brain)
  • How to find strength in numbers (zombie Horde, anyone?)
  • How to stop negotiating and start demanding what you want (zombies don't settle for a nose - they want the brain)
  • How to make each word count (zombies want brains, zombies say "brains")
  • and much, much more! -Think Geek
Breathers: A Zombie's Lament-S.G. Browne
So the author of this book is a twitter follower of mine and ever since he started following me, I've been dying to get my hands on this book. It's about Andy Warner, a recently deceased everyman and newly minted zombie. Resented by his parents, abandoned by his friends, and reviled by a society that no longer considers him human, Andy is having a bit of trouble adjusting to his new existence, But all that changes when he goes to an Undead Anonymous meeting and finds kindred souls in Rita, an impossibly sexy recent suicide with a taste for the formaldehyde in cosmetic products, and Jerry, a twenty-one-year-old car crash victim with an exposed brain and a penchant for Renaissance pornography. -OFFICIAL SITE


Pride & Prejudice & Zombies: Jane Austen, Seth Grahame-Smith, Kenneth Grahame, and David G. Grahame-Smith.

What kind of female English major with a blog dedicated to horror films would I be if I don't read this book NOW!? I'd be a pretty lame one at that. I don't need to hijack another review or synopsis to help explain why I'm itching to read this one. I've never been that big of an Austen fan because, I'm not a feminist, or rich, or non-American. However, I do respect what she's brought to literature. I will respect even more the fact that we can take one of her most famous, and completely flip it upside down. Absolutely ASTOUNDING.

THIS JUST IN:




  1. I knew there was a reason that I boycotted book chains and only bought mine from local stores...
  2. If you can't see the words: Eclipse, New Moon, and Breaking Dawn are the three top MATCHED books on Borders when you look for HORROR.
  3. It means MOST RELEVANT. Gag Me.
  4. Fuck Our Lives.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Janet Weiss

What better way to celebrate hump-day by showcasing my favorite slut of them all!? At a deadly pace IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE ON JANET'S FACE! That's right, Janet Weiss and her condom barrette and love for not many muscles (just one big one) is my WotW. Now many of you are probably wondering why I didn't showcase love-of-my-life Little Nell for the first lady of Rocky Horror. As much as I'd like to, Susan Sarandon has a damn impressive resume and even did a handful of horror films afterward. You'll see why later. The thing I love most about her character is that Susan Sarandon refuses to even acknowledge the fact she's a part of this, THE cult classic. And yet, this is the film that seriously put her on the map. Janet truly helps make RHPS great. While the film is obviously thrown around with tons of off the wall characters, we have Janet who truly embodies what it is to give yourself over to absolute pleasure. She's like the symbol for humanity. It doesn't matter how nice you look on the outside, we're all freaks beneath.

We're first introduced to Janet as the fiance of Brad Majors ASSHOLE. Who gladly accepts a proposal after not only catching the bouquet at Betty Munroe & Ralph Hapshatt HAPSHIT's wedding. His reasoning to propose is by saying Damnit Janet, I love you in a cemetery with a billboard, and writing a heart on a door. I don't know about you, but if Barry Bostwick came up to me with a ring and had chalk randomly in his pocket at a wedding...i'd be a little disturbed.


The couple's car breaks down GETS A FLAT ASSHOLE, and is forced to waddle like a duck through the rain until they come across the castle surrounded by slut-eating trees with a sign on the front that apparently takes 45 seconds to read the 5 fucking words. The two arrive at FrankNFurter's castle and are greeted by Riff Raff and his sister Mageneter WHO THE FUCK'S MAGENTER? The two are thrown into a world of sex, dancing, creation, and questioning. You'd believe that Janet would be the doubting fiancee, that is of course until Dr. FrankNFurter's head is between her thighs...

Janet is sort of the comedic relief throughout the entire flick. A Heroine, if you may. Sweet and somewhat naive; Janet, recently engaged to Brad, succumbs to temptation. She plays an uptight jewish girl who receives a sexual awakening thanks to a demented band of singing deviants, and yet still tries to keep a positive mind about the entire situation. That's pretty damn awesome if you ask me. I regret to inform her that Dr. FrankNFurter and his gaggle of ghoulies are indeed NOT the junior chamber of commerce Janet, however will be treating you as lovely lovely hosts. My favorite scene in the entire world is when they're singing "Happy Birthday" to Rocky after she's just gotten porked in the tank and she sings it with such enthusiasm and just goes downhill after FrankNFurter stops singing. I laugh every single time. Speaking of porking: Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me is the best song in the entire world to sing at a karaoke bar. Not only does it give you a ton of attention, it earns you awesome street cred for singing a RHPS song that isn't the Time Warp or Sweet Transvestite. Anyways, Janet also has these random spurts in the film that truly showcase the oscar-worthy talent that Susan Sarandon possesses behind that gross purple suit.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show has been a phenomenon for the past 30 something years, and I guarantee you that the character of Janet Weiss has played such a crucial part in that. Not every viewer in the audience is a groupie or a domestic, some are just the heroines. Not to mention, She's the only RHPS to have an Oscar, and her hands in that cement. Tim Curry needs to be up there soon...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

THIS JUST IN.


1) I'm absolutely obsessed with Texts From Last Night. Today, they truly out-LOL'ed themselves.

(714): so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.

(1-714): yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Awesome.

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!

Womanizers, you have no idea how badly I wish that this was a Ruby Tuesday and not a Terrible Poster'ed one. I'm so freaking hungry I could eat my own foot. Sounds like a recipe for Saw VII. It'll probably happen, I mean how many more ways can one person possibly have to save themselves other than by eating themselves...who knows. Hunger pains aside, I was doing some expert creeping on Rooney Mara as she's going to be our new Nancy Thompson. I knew she played a bit part in Urban Legends: Bloody Mary so I figured "lets google image that ho". Not only did I find barely anything on her and more so on her sister, but I was given this absolutely terrificially awful movie poser. This poster is a very very good one to rip apart, and an easy one at that. Which is good, because I have a hot date with a burrito from Chipotle.

First, why the cliche 5 teenagers with faded black around them? That's so 90's it hurts. This is the new millenium baby! Use some creativity. I don't know, make the lighting look NOT like you've put a flashlight under your chin at a campfire? Ps; whats up with the Edward Cullen and brunette guy that wasn't Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's love child being further back than everyone else? And why does girl all the way on the left look so angry while girl all the way on the right looks like she hasn't showered? Hell, if you're going to put 5 kids on the poster, at least make it seem like they were all there at the same time.

Second, you'd think you'd advertise the fact that the director of Pet Semetary made this a little higher than at the bottom. No one ever reads the bottom. That's saved for when the films come out, and all that weird small font that no one reads unless they want to know who the really obscure actor is. In this case, the only reason I noticed that is because my scroll is all the way at the bottom and that's the only part of the poster I can see.

Third, the text colors and font styles are stupid. "Urban Legends" looks like it shares the same font as either a country saloon or the Legends in Concert impersonators. I just invision a Native American on a horse with that font on it. It's awful. And then we have the cliche scribbly thing. I hate the scribbly font because the idea is to make it look...well...scribbly. However, if you use a letter more than once, it SHOCKINGLY looks identical to the other one. Totally defeats the purpose. You'd think they'd make "bloody" in red as well. However, it's in white. So not cool.

Fourth, HOLY LAME TAGLINE BATMAN. "Some Legends Can't Be Buried?" LAME! Maybe use something about the mirror, or calling her three times, not to bury her. That's just lame. Plus the word some implies other legends. I'd really like to know what they are, actually...I don't. Then I'd have to sit through more horribly stupid films like this one.

Fifth...Linda Blair, you had your film. Get off this poster.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Hellacious Harmonies of Horror


Did you all like that alliteration I got goin' on? Me too. So this past weekend I hit up the Lake County, Illinois local music scene and went out to see my friend's band The Oath We Took play at The Oasis. There were tons of people, awesome bands, and a dark, midwest summer night. It was exactly what I needed and also a great inspiration to me. I walked outside and heard a couple of guys in tight, skinny jeans talking to one another when one of them said "it's cool man, cause no one lives forever". Instantly I started singing Oingo Boingo's No One Lives Forever. That got me to thinking...HOW AWESOME IS HORROR INSPIRED MUSIC?! Oingo Boingo is definitely my favorite of the horror inspired music groups. However, I love the fact that they aren't alone! There's a band that played on the Warped Tour a while back that called themselves the Groovie Ghoulies. Obviously not just horror inspired, but also horror CARTOON inspired. That's awesome in my opinion. Sadly the band has parted ways but I'll always love them! Favorite Song...."Til Death do us Party" AWESOME.

Love his films or not, Rob Zombie was the king of horror inspired music. If the fact his name is Rob Zombie doesn't make you believe he's horror inspired, just listen to his music. The words Zombie, Witch, Blood, Hell, Dead, Dying, Horror, Nightmare, Demon, Spookshow, Lurks, Creeper, Living Dead, Dragula, Scream, and Corpses are just a few of the words scattered around his song titles. His band before he went solo was White Zombie which is clearly a reference to Béla Lugosi's awesome flick. He totally exudes horror in his music and whether or not you are okay with his directing, you cannot deny his excellence in making horror a musical masterpiece.

Just to add to the list of awesome horror harmonies we have The Misfits, the Horrorpops, KISS, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden,Alice Cooper, Danzig, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, The Cramps, Souixsee & The Banshees, Insane Clown Posse, My Chemical Romance, and Diamanda Galas. So let's keep on keepin on!


video

Sunday, June 21, 2009

WOAH THAT'S HEAVY: Serial Killers-Real Life Horror

BJ-C & B-Sol present a Day of the Woman/Vault of Horror joint...

When there's absolutely nothing to do/watch, you can always count on USA to be playing a 15 hour marathon of Law & Order whenever you feel the need to watch some weirdos hack up some of New York's citizens. But is it odd to be disgusted by the fact that 90% of the crimes and situations put on these shows are based off actual occurrences?

So why the hell are we so intrigued by this shit? USA wouldn't put on a 23,423-hour marathon of Law & Order unless people are actually going to watch it. Clearly, there has to be a good amount of people watching to keep it all running. Obviously, people are actually highly entertained by watching other people's misery. Which is kind of gross, if you think about it.

What do Leatherface, Norman Bates, and Buffalo Bill have in common? Well, they're all based on the Butcher of Plainfield himself, Ed Gein.The first "issue" with the idea of cinematically capturing a serial killer on film is the misconception process. There's two sides to the "lost in adaptation" thing that's plaguing our "based on a true story" films. Either the film is more tolerable and softens the blow by making the story less harsh than reality, or they completely overdo it and exaggerate what really happened.

Arguably, one of the best serial killer films is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, (very) roughly based on the killings of Ed Gein. Now, while TCM has earned its classic status, the whole" based on a true story" thing was obviously nothing more than a clever marketing ploy. We all know Ed Gein never chased down a group of people through the woods with a mask and a chainsaw. He did, however, ask for a sex change and make a suit out of women's skin, which is more Buffalo Bill's style.

The film version of Psycho doesn't really capture as much of the Gein persona, but the book by Robert Bloch is a different story. The whole attachment to the psycho mom, and stuffing her corpse and whatnot... that's straight from Gein. Not to mention all the sexual hangups. We do not however, imagine Gein stabbing a girl in a shower to the strains of a string quartet. Again, Hollywood taking a true story and spicing it up for mass consumption.

When you get right down to it, the whole slasher phenomenon in general, is basically juiced up serial killer movies. What is awful though is that the killers are almost turned into the heroes of the movie. People don't say "Oh Leatherface is a screwed up man who needs help" its "OMG LEATHERFACE IS THE BEST SLASHER EVARRR". See the difference?

Speaking of thinking serial killers are awesome, let's talk about the glorification of these folks. There have been TONS of serial killers and yet most people will invariably only be able to name the same ten or so. Write down for a second all the serial killers you can think of. Ready....GO! Done yet? Okay, well $20 dollars says you included all or most of these characters: Ed Gein, John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, The BTK Killer, The Zodiac, or Ted Bundy. Extra points for including Eileen Wuornos. And why is this? BECAUSE WE KEEP MAKING FRIGGIN' MOVIES ABOUT THEM!

Take Natural Born Killers--based off Charles Starkweather, and admittedly a great flick. You know what? Woody Harellson is a damn fine killer. And this is a problem! At the risk of sounding hypocritical, Mickey Knox makes you LOVE him. When you should hate him! He's a mass murderer...but he's still so cool. That film in itself sort of makes the point. The two killers keep on killing because the media stupidly glorifies them by broadcasting every move they make....ironic much?

It's been said that slashers and serial killer movies often pack more of a punch than supernatural horror because the former pertain to stuff that really can happen--and HAS happened. It brings it home, because at the end of the day, any one of us can be bumped off like Drew Barrymore at the beginning of Scream. But it's highly unlikely we're gonna go out like Joe the Plumber in The Beyond. See the difference? This kind of horror gets to something deep inside us, which filmmakers know, and readily exploit.

Anyone who's ever spotted serial killer trading cards on sale at their local convenience store or seen a guy wearing a Charles Manson T-shirt knows full well that our culture has a bizarre obsession with these guys. Which is also why we cheer on Jason as he stalks those camp counselors. But you know what? The worst part is that we're supposed to be cheering him on--that's the whole point of slashers, isn't it? And before there's any cry of "hypocrisy", make no mistake, there are many great horror movies based on this topic, and this is not to take away from their classic status. But that doesn't mean the question of why there is this fascination cannot be raised.

Maybe it's a coping mechanism. A way for all of us to cathartically process this fear of death, or to displace it by watching it happen to other people, instead of us. Either way, it points to certain elements of the human psyche that most of us are not always willing to confront head-on. In a larger sense, it can be said that the fascination with horror in general has something to do with this. There will always be a certain people who choose to deal with their fears by embracing them. And sometimes, embracing that fear means glorifying what we're afraid of.

Is it ugly? You bet. Does it make people uncomfortable? Definitely. And yet we love it. We're the Romans, chanting for the next batch of Christians to be thrown to the lions. Except we take comfort in knowing that no one's really dying. And yet somewhere in the back of our minds when watching these kinds of flicks, we also know that this stuff does happen. But we keep watching... And maybe that's exactly why.
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