Tuesday, March 31, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!!


Welcome back all you pals and gals for another exciting issue of TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY! Today we will be featuring an ad that was been getting headlines all across the inter-web when it first came out; the absolutely rediculous torture/porn (with more-torture than-porn) film Captivity. Whether you like the ad or not, it was pulled off of billboards and taxi cabs everywhere. Apparently Los Angelos was in a close to outrage especially seeing Elisha Cuthbert depicted as being tortured with the gauze covered face and the pipes up the nostrils. I was personally a little more frightened by the scar on her left breast which seems to either be from her tormentor, or a botched implant job. Not to mention, this film blows harder than Lindsay Lohan after dinner...

I also must comment the fact that her eye makeup has IMPROVED in the confinement state. Her eyelashes are larger, than the abduction...where is she getting mascara?! Maybe Buffalo Bill is keeping her hostage and wants to make baby look pretty now mommy...So I also dislike this poster because there are too many words over it. Not to mention, not the right words either. Why isn't Elisha Cuthbert's name on it? I'm pretty sure teenage boys all across America would give their left you know what to see Elisha Cuthbert naked and vulnerable.

Having to pull the ads off and replace it with just an enlarged version of the "confinement" poster, was thought to be smart, but you can get a ton of publicity, but it won't save a genuinely horrible movie. Bloody-Disgusting.com named Captivity the worst horror film of 2007, and I can't say I blame them. The film is almost a direct copycat of films like Hostel and the Saw series. Just feeding to the generations new love of torture porn apparently. This film isn't one of the worst horror films, it's one of the worst films to ever have the displeasure to be put upon the silver screen. I weep for whatever movie had to share that screen, hopefully Captivity didn't contaminate it too much. Sorry Elisha, you were better as as the girl next door.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

ELI vs. EDWARD


So, I am an eighteen year old student at the beautiful Western Illinois University.  Everyday I encounter some of the brightest students with such promising futures...and some people that I seriously want to curb stomp.  We have students with political posters on their walls with absolutely NO knowledge as to why they are voting for who they're voting, and we have students who waste THOUSANDS of their parents money to just perform in nothing more than debauchery.  
 
Of course, we also have teenagers who think that their idea of a "perfect vampire romance" is with the God damn Twilight series.  I will be the first one to say that I absolutely HATE the Twilight series.  It is nothing more than another Nicholas Sparks novel with a few "vampires" in it. These girls absolutely obsess over it and even went as far to miss class the morning after the DVDs came out on sale.  ARE YOU SERIOUS!?  I'm sure I'm not the first one to write something similar, but I had to get this out!

Everyone claims to want a "love" like Bella and Edward, but I personally am disgusted with the idea of it.  Bella is a whiny brat who clings to an abusive boyfriend and doesn't have the common decency to at least call her parents by their first names. She isn't some "plain and troubled" girl like her character claims to be, because when she moves to the new town, SHE GETS 5 GUYS ON HER FIRST DAY THERE.  That shit doesn't happen in real life.  She's still sooo sad and misunderstood! Oh, I'm aorry that only 2 of our 5 guys were vampires...go check out Hot Topic, I'm pretty sure you'll find your soulmate there. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure relationships based on conversations that include nothing more than "are you a vampire?" and "aren't you so beautiful?", DON'T EXIST...except for maybe Paris Hilton and her stint with one of those Madden Twins. 

Plus, how in God's name is Edward even REMOTELY close to a legit Vampire? He's a vegetarian.  Cool, since when are Vampires vegetarians?! OOh, I VANT TO SUCK YOUR V8!!!  Oh wait, no, he drinks animal blood, because apparently it's too hard to drink human blood.  I'm pretty sure that isn't a noble act.  Brad Pitt already established that about 10 years ago dipwad. Not to mention, how the FUCK are they allowed in sunlight, always clean, not having any fangs, and no fear of crosses or anything....

SO THE POINT OF THIS RANT...


While the majority of the population is GaGa for Edward Cullen, they are completely missing out on probably the greatest vampire/mortal romance ever created.  I made the BF [pronounced like BIFF: like Back to the Future] watch Let The Right One In with me today, and this is a boy who isn't all that enthralled by horror flicks.  He LOVED it.  So this makes me wonder, why the FUCK are people so excited about a cliche and disgusting fake romance, when there's an absolutely OUTSTANDING relationship available to us?  Witness Eli & Oskar.  Let me just tell you, that the relationship between these two 12 year olds has more believe-ability than most marriages these days.  I mean, these two actually go the distance to maintain some form of a relationship.  Now before people start going "Oh, but they're only 12 years old!" Excuse me, but Romeo and Juliet were 12 and 15, so eat my box.

Plus, who would win in a fight, Eli or Edward?  I'm pretty sure that Eli's bug-eyed self would completely own him.  Edward would probably be too distracted by his own reflection and Eli would just own the shit out of him.  Oskar would also be a way better support system than Bella.  Bella would just whine and cry about how Edward might lose his gorgeous looks and Oskar would just shank someone with either that knife he's packing or a large orange rod.

Oskar and Eli learn Morse code to give themselves a means to communicate, I'm not sure that Edward knows how to read.  Eli is sensitive to light, lives solely off of human blood, and understands that it's a do or die world out there, and she's gotta look after herself.  She is a TRUE vampire, Edward is just a pretender.  How do we know he's even a real vampire? For all we know, he could just be some freak who likes to drink animal blood.  

Let The Right One In is absolutely stunning in every aspect.  The acting of these two children is better than the entire cast of Twilight and the story line completely kills anything Stephanie Meyer wishes she could come up with.  I blame Anne Rice and her injecting the idea of "vampire romance" into the minds of my generation.  

Is it possible to have a vampire flick without there having to be a "bordello of blood" or some sort of slinky costume, or some hot guy?  While I find Eli to be incredibly haunting in her appearance, the BF did not find her as attractive.  Since when to vampires have to be sexy? Who invented this whole concept of vampire fetish? Nosferatu was NOT a sexy man, and yet now, you can't make a vampire cool without giving him sparkling eyes and perfect teeth. 

Honestly, when one of the top FML's has to do with a girl leaving her boyfriend for her "Edward Cullen" you know that you've got something very very wrong on your hands.  



Saturday, March 28, 2009

I want to see this solely based off of the woman screaming at the beginning of the trailer.




There's nothing better than being a film from the 1970's....but not being a film from the 1970's. I personally am obsessed with the woman screaming in the beginning of the trailer, and I want to find a screening of it ASAP.  Alas, the film is only showing in New York, NY & San Fransico, CA before it hits the U.K.  This means I'm out of luck.  So we women get to have flicks like The House on Sorority Row or Sorority Row for our remakes, but guys have to have a cheesy one too!  So I could go on and make a list of college horror films, but I'm pretty sure that you would all appreciate just checking out the trailer for this flick. It's already gotten some indie awards and film festivals are eating this up.  What I do like most about this that I've seen, is that it seems to have the heart of a 70's flick, and the kills look like something you'd see in the 70's.  Not completely real, and still completely gorey.  If anyone goes to a screening of this, you MUST tell me how it is. :) I'll just sit back and wait for it to get some attention and someone mass produces it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

HORROR PORN...BUT THE FUN KIND!

Horror/Porn has a bit of a bad reputation. I personally am always willing to promote something that combines two things I enjoy immensely, but what do I know?  Maybe it's the lame puns created by notable films like "Re-Penetrator, Night of the Giving Head, and Fuckenstein". I think when people hear "horror/porn" their brains immediately assume the worst, but horror porn doesn't have to be a twisted adaptation of necrophilia or penetrating wounds or whatever else your twisted little imaginations concoct. Sometimes, we have horror pornos with an excellent balance between porn and horror that are void of any sort of disgust or feelings of regret that force us into needing a shower after the fact


So, as my readers know, I have the occasional episode of actually expressing my small appreciation for super femininity. I in no way ever condone women being recognized simply for their outer appearance, but I'll admit...I have a thing for nude models. I absolutely love pin-up girls, burlesque dancers, call-girls, and playboy playmates. Now, this isn't because I'm some subconscious lesbian or anything, I just personally adore the female form. Why you may ask? Well, I can't answer that...just accept that I have a weird fascination with them. I think its the fact that these are women that I feel are breaking the feminist mold. They're not subjecting themselves or their bodies, they're models. Just models aiming towards a very specific audience The Girls Next Door (Hugh Hefner's favorite girlfriends) are bringing the novel The Telling to life as a horror film. Not only are these foxy ladies starring in the film, but Bridget Marquardt is producing it! So I highly doubt this film is going to be coming of age, nor will it have absolutely brilliant acting, but I promise you I will add this film to my collection simply because it has playboy playmates in it. Plus, another producer, (B-Movie superstar Sherri Strain) is on the credits so I'm sure it won't be completely terrible. I'm not expecting much from it, but I know that my weird taste in films will probably enjoy it.



Jenna Jameson is undoubtedly the worlds greatest porn star of the modern age, I mean...there's even a shot named after her. When she announced that she was going to close her legs for good, America was absolutely mortified. BUT! When we all had thought all hope was lost to ever see Jenna again...she completely redeemed herself! Zombie Strippers has become one of my favorite movies. Sue me, but it's entertaining, it has zombies, AND naked women. Not to mention, Robert Englund plays an integral role to the plot. Be honest here, how can you have a movie with Freddy Kruger and the reigning Queen of Porn and not enjoy it?


Do you know when you were a kid and you used to visit the "Old Ma & Pa Video Store"? The ones with half eaten VHS cases, and a selection of films hidden behind a curtain of beads to keep the children out of? Well, the video store I frequented had the horror films as well as the porn films in the same section, which meant anything that was even remotely close to either of the genres were thrown into this closet. This was how I was introduced to She-Wolves of the Wasteland.(More commonly referred to as Phoenix, the Warrior). While the film doesn't star any porn stars of the GND, or Jenna Jameson stature, the film is fabulously terrible. The premise is that an evil princess in the not-too-distant future in a world completely overrun by scantily clad, leather heaving women, impregnates one of her subjects from a sperm bank. The reasoning is to give birth to a male child for the princess to sacrifice...HELLO AMAZING! Not to mention, the star of the film is Kathleen Kinmont! I'm an avid watcher of "horrible" B-Movies, and this is one of my absolute favorites. It's like Xena: Warrior Princess without the bad bangs.

So back to the porn stars with zombies genre...2007 made ZOMBIES ZOMBIES ZOMBIES: STRIPPERS VS. ZOMBIES. It finally answers that burning question of "If there was a zombie outbreak while I was at a gentlemen's club tossing dollars on women doing things I wish my wife could do...would I make it out alive?" The answer is within this film, and it is absolutely FABULOUS. There is nothing better than hot babes with chainsaws and guns going after the brain craving undead. The acting may not be oscar-worthy, but who really cares? If you're expecting high caliber acting with a movie cover like that, you're taking life too seriously. It's a film jam packed with beautiful women bashing the heads in of zombies! As far as I'm concerned, there's really nothing more you could ever want. This movie is great for fans of B&B (blood &boobs). Did I mention Tiffany Shepis is in this?



Wednesday, March 25, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Allison Hayes


She was one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the silver screen, and one of the most prominent in the B-Movie and Horror genre.  Born as Mary Jane, Allison was a former Miss District of Columbia, Allison Hayes was a woman who's life was taken too soon.  She died of lead poisoning in  1977 at only the young age of 46.  She was a gifted pianist and almost sought a career as a concert pianist, however it was when she represented Washingon D.C. in the 1949 Miss America Pageant that she was given a taste of the movies.  She was the epitome of a Scream Queen for the 1950's film sirens.  

She may have starred in low-budget B movies, but there was nothing Low, nor B-leveled of her talent.  Allison Hayes was exquisite in every performance and almost always starred opposing a strong male lead, but she could hold her own. 

Her first dabble in the horror industry was her role as Livia in the 1956 film The Undead. She was able to transform throughout the film which was a first for a siren to do.  She then played a woman experimenting with voodoo in 1957's The Disembodied. I mean, who really wants to go through a divorce when you could just use black magic to kill your husband?  

Some of her other works were [all brilliant] The Hypnotic Eye, The Unearthly, Zombies of Mora Tau (gotta pay homage to that bra...), and The Crawling Hand.   Allison has one of the most memorable screams.  The one she lets out in ZOMT, (which lasts foreeeeeeever) is also heard in Frankenstein's Daughter and Missile to the Moon. So whenever you hear a scream that you think you've heard before...chances are, you have.

It was however that infamous role in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman that gets her such notoriety.  The film was stunning, as well as Allison, but the idea of 50 foot women is a concept that we still see in films even today.  Even the iconic scenes of the film have been replicated in other "giant" films like Disney's Honey I Blew Up The Kid" or of course the re-make starring Daryl Hannah.  We even see Reese Witherspoon in gigantic proportions in the kids flick Monsters Vs. Aliens.    

Allison Hayes brought a certain level of class to the celluloid.  An incredible talent, a kind heart, and an undeniable beauty.  She completely exudes everything it takes to be a Scream Queen.  

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!!

So, I don't know about you, but I've never thought the tooth fairy should look like The Mummy, but the film Darkness Falls has proved me wrong.  Now, I had the displeasure of seeing this film in theaters. If you haven't seen this film, do not watch it in surround sound.  The "Tooth Fairy" has this shrieking scream that she makes for no particular reason.  It travels across the room and rather frighten me, it makes my ears bleed like I'm at a poorly micro-phoned rock concert.  I digress.  So the tagline for this film says "Evil Rises." Well, she isn't a zombie, there wasn't a resurrection, and she's not rising again like the south...SO WHY IS EVIL RISING?!  This bitch has been around for one hundred & fifty years according to the legend of Matilda Dixon.  So tagline: FAIL.

Now they show the burned face of her on the poster.  THAT IS ONE OF THE BIG SCARY PARTS OF THE FILM! You're not supposed to see her face, she hides behind a porcelain mask like that creep in Valentine, or The Strangers. So when we finally have the big reveal of her burnt up face, IT'S NOT SCARY BECAUSE WE'VE SEEN IT!!  Movie posters are instantly bad in my opinion if they give any of the prime meat of the film away.  This is one of them.  Not to mention, her face looks like a cross between Freddy Kruger and The Mummy.  Now in the film, she doesn't like you to see her face right? Well why would you advertise it like that?! Poor woman is probably turning in her grave! This film is based on a true story, so wouldn't you stick to the "truth" of the matter?  Apparently not.

The film itself is nothing more than high pitched screams, some clever jump scares, and a few ALMOST darkness making you scared for the audience.  I won't lie, I am incredibly light and sound sensitive so the screams completely turned off the movie for me.  However it has maybe one of my favorite lines in all of the modern horror age "All this for a fucking tooth."

Monday, March 23, 2009

NSFW: Don't Make Me Go All Lorena Bobbit On You!

So, as women we may not be as physically strong as our male counterparts, but we have one thing they do not have. The power to cause extreme pain with barely any force. While we cringe when people are kicked in the gonads so hard they no longer have any nads to go with...we for some reason keep giving women sharp objects in which to remove the manhood with. A man can survive without his manhood, or in some cases, sew it back on and do porn. In the horror world however, the penis loss is done mostly by women, which I think we should trademark ;) so, here are my absolute favorite "dick-losses".


So we start off with the film that this blog is named after Day of the Woman (I Spit On Your Grave). Camille Keaton must have used one hell of a knife, because Johnny didn't even realize he lost the damn thing until after she got out of the bathtub. The scene is great though, he doesn't even realize he's lost it until he sees the blood splurge up in the water. That's what you get for raping a girl for a good 1/8 of a film....Suck it Bitch!

So I mentioned this one a few days ago, and I'm normally not one to repeat things...but it's my blog I DO WHAT I WANT! So like I said before, I absolutely LOVE 2001 Maniacs directed by the fabulous Tim Sullivan. This movie is completely underrated and highly entertaining for a comedy horror. If you want some new "Freddy Kruger"-like one liners, check it out. Robert Englund is fabulous. So anyways, poor virgin sap of the group is the last of the college kids to get laid, boo-hoo. So town prostitute Miss Peaches offer her services. She gets maybe two or three bobs before she puts in her death grill and you get the hint that his lower region is in danger when he asks "Is that a retainer baby?" and her reply is "Something like that..." then WHAM! off with the head! [the lower head that is].

Vagina Dentata: latin for MY VAGINA WILL EAT YOU. No, it's actually for "toothed vagina" I really don't think I need to go into much detail into what this film is about. Needless to say, the body's natural chastity belt eats a total of 3 penises, two fingers, and even has the ability to spit out a Prince Albert piercing. Honestly, the film TEETH makes me more "feminist" every time I see it. Damn rapists, serves you right!

So if we're not chopping...we seem to be biting. Although the wonderful Mrs. Estelle Collingwood is an absolute CHAMP in Wes Craven's debut in the 1972 film The Last House On The Left. She didn't need a knife, or a death grill, or a penis eating vagina...SHE USED HER OWN TEETH! Now, I find it amazing to know that this was not only a stranger that she bit, but also one of the rapist/murderers of her daughter. Kudos, my mom has even said to me before, that she couldn't ever do that.

Before Ellen Page came into our lives as either Kitty Pryde in the X-Men films, and our sassy-mouthed pregnant teen in Juno, Ellen was 14 year old pedophile killer in Hard Candy. While she may not actually remove the penis, or the testicles for that matter. She drugs a guy, numbs his junk, and simulates a castration. The reason I'm putting this as my favorite, is because she's fucking 14 years old and convinces a dude she's just removed his balls. She even gets some fake ones that she covers in "blood" and puts them in a jar. Then to be thrown in the garbage disposal. The psychological aspect of the film is absolutely mind-blowing. This is one of my favorites and in my opinion Ellen Page's best work by far.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

More of a Rant


So, for my faithful following...I've posted before on how I dislike the actress Shawnee Smith. Well, I've officially been set off. Bloody-Disgusting recently posted a blurb of news talking about how Shawnee Smith will be returning for Saw VI this of course implying flashbacks and what have you. Now, I go to BD for all of my horror needs, and I normally love hearing what fellow horror addicts have to say. Today, I was less than impressed. While I was filled with joy as I saw others sharing their dislike for the "turn for the worse" the Saw series has taken, let alone the character of Amanda, there always has to be the idiot who ruins it for everyone. A few posters [who will remain nameless] had to say "THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!" & another said "GREAT! SHE IS ONE OF HORROR'S GREATEST!"

Pardon my french, but are you fucking kidding me? What the hell do you have to be smoking to think that Shawnee Smith is one of horror's greatest? She cannot act well, her voice is incredibly monotone at times, and I have never once seen her as a developed character to help me "fear for her life". Blame the script, blame the acting, regardless...she's not impressive. People who make these comments tend to be little junior high kids who snuck into Zombieween or Prom Night, and then consider themselves into "horror" flicks. Im sorry, but the horror that is out there nowadays for these little kids to get themselves into makes me disgusted. This generation that I disgustingly am apart of, has completely lost their spine for horror. These commenters are the same people who don't know Last House on the Left is a remake or that House of Wax isn't originally starring Paris Hilton. Plus, they're the same people who think the new Amityville Horror is SOOOO SCARY.

"But BJ-C, they're just children!" BUT NOTHING. My parents raised me wonderfully and Linnea Quigley was one of my favorites before I even knew who Angelina Jolie was. P.J. Soles, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Malia Nurmi were my idols while the rest of the girls wanted to be Britney Spears. My mom sparked my horror, but I took the initiative to discover what I love.

I guess I just really dislike when people make public opinions without reasoning to back it up. Maybe it makes me cruel. and maybe it makes me hypocritical to judge, and maybe, just maybe it makes me a judgemental prick...I'm okay with all of those things.

I just find it incredibly difficult to respect someone who doesn't have a clue of what they're talking about. It's midnight, I'm crabby, and twelve year olds should not be allowed on forums, that is all. Thankyou :)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Are you a Good Witch, or a Bad Witch?

Is she a witch? Is she just crazy? Who really knows for sure, but the trailer for Sam Raimi's Drag Me To Hell looks absolutely SICK! Sick, being a new lingo term to describe something that is positive. So as excited as I am for this film to come out, it makes me wonder...why is it that we don't see as many of these cursing countesses as we do say...vampires?

While Dracula, The Mummy, The Wolfman and Frankenstein [insert monster mash dance here] have made the "monster" genre completely male dominated, we women have the witch. While sometimes she's seen as a warted and disgusting old hag, we have some pretty foxy witches. I'm going to give you just a bit of a list of my all-time favorite witches. Some scary, some not. This isn't excluding some of the classics, these are just my personal favorites.

Granted, it's the 3rd installment of a series that I'm normally pretty thrilled about...but our first lovely lady is the wonderful witch in Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes. The series itself is co-written by a woman which is always something I love to see, but the films itself sort of teetered off after the first one. The first one is an absolute classic, the 3rd and 4th...not so stellar. Plus, her name is Haggis. Who doesn't love sheep organs?

The Daughter of the Devil Himself. Linda Hayden plays Angel Blake in the 70's British horror film The Blood On Satan's Claw. After the remains of the devil are found in a field, the townspeople all begin losing their damn minds. Angel, guiding the children is then "adopted" by the devil to be his earthly disciple. She convinces all the children to start participating in satanic rituatls where there's alot of "spilling the blood of the innocent". Not to mention, there's the infamous scene where she goes full monty to a school teacher to seduce him to the ways of Satan. BUT SHE GOT TURNED DOWN! This movie is an absolute classic film and one of my favorite "earthly" witches.

Some people love the film, other people hate it, but regardless of what anyone's personal opinions are about The Craft it is undoubtably one of the best "witch" movies out there. Fairuza Balk is downright terrifying in this tale of sisterhood amongst a witches coven. I'll never forget watching her glide across a floor on just the tips of her toes. It scared me to no end. This look into the occult is a great film in my opinion and has a pretty rockin cast. After Balk's character Nancy is struck by lighting, she becomes the top witch and even walks on water. While the movie ends with her as a crockpot, she's still my favorite witch of the four. I've always found Fairuza Balk to be terrifyingly gorgeous, but this movie just makes her terrifying.


Other than the fact this film has one of the scariest, and gruesome murders to date on film, Suspiria also contains some pretty awesome witches. I personally cannot explain in words why I love the witches in this film so much, because this film is one of my absolute favorites. I could probably quote this film better than the Pope can quote the bible. Okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get what I'm saying.

So not having a mother or father around seriously must have hindered snow white from that whole "do not take candy from strangers" rule. Why anyone would take fruit from this crazy old hag is totally beside me. Queen Grimhilde, The Swamp Witch, The Evil Queen, The Wicked Stepmother, call her what you will, but this is the very first animated witch to ever be brought to our screens and the official spokeswoman for STRANGER DANGER!!! Plus the American Film Instute gave her the #10 slot on the 50 Best Movie Villans of all time.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Cassandra Peterson


Why yes, Elvira: Mistress of the Night, is NOT what is written on Cassandra Peterson's birth certificate. Made infamous for KHJ's weekly showing of Movie Macabre, which had Elvira in her buxom gothic gown presenting horror movies to blood-thirsty fans. Although she had an extremely vamp look to her, Elvira is adored for her wit, and girly voice. Her name is even TRADEMARKED. How many people can say that?

Cassandra got extremely lucky to be given the horror host role, as they originally intended the host to be Vampira herself, Maila Nurmi. Thank god, the producers were intelligent enough to know that Maila IS Vampira, so the name Elvira was chosen instead. Not to mention the whole lawsuit ordeal...that's something for you kids to go google.

Elvira's films were always B-Movies and she is definitely the queen of the B-Movies. Her character became so idolized and recognized out of Los Angelos, that she starred in a handful of movies about the character, guest appeared on numerous TV shows, and even recorded 5 vocal albums.

Not to mention, Elvira is the the first person to be broadcast in 3-D in America. She's also the first female celebrity to do a beer campaign. She's also got her own beer and purfume lines. Plus, her costume is the #1 Female Halloween costume ever sold. Outside of the Elvira character, Cassandra Peterson is the youngest Vegas Showgirl on record. Plus, SHE DATED ELVIS. How cool is that? Plus, she's the naked chick on the cover of Tom Waits' album Small Change.

Something else I personally love is that Saw: The Ride needs to step off! During the Halloween season of Six Flags Great America's "Fright Fest", there's a 3-D ride hosted by who else, but Elvira herself. She appears on the screen to take you through her wild 3-D ride of a haunted house. Plus, she has her own VIDEOGAME!

In 2007, She even hosted her own reality show The Search For the Next Elvira. Homegirl needs a break every now and then, so why can't she have her own look a like to take off some of the stress?

She's an iconic character, and one that I hold dear to my heart. Hell, I dressed like her for Halloween for 4 years in a row....before I hit Junior High school....In the simplest terms. She does EVERYTHING. In my opinion, she's the Wonder Woman of the horror franchise. Sad to say, 90% of the population probably wouldn't know Cassandra Peterson from their neighbor without her beehive and drag makeup. Glad you all could read along, but now it's time for me to be gone, hope you all have unpleasant dreams....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!


Happy St. Patty's day everybody. To celebrate the festivities, I decided to look through the wonderful Leprechaun films and pick the absolute worst of the posters. Let me first say, I'm not a fan of the series, nor do I like the posters. I normally love really horrible horror films, but these ones didn't make me laugh enough or be scared enough to enjoy them. Regardless, they have some pretty awful posters, but I chose the absolute worst of the worst.

#1) Please note that the Leprechaun is holding up a pretty damn close attempt at a gang sign.

#2) He's got a gold tooth that you can almost make out. Apparently that makes him "gangster.

#3) The "2" in the title, is hanging off of his necklace like bling. In no way, is that EVER acceptable.

#4) The word "THA" is in the title. I don't care if you're a killer leprechaun, there is nothing "hood, gangsta" about being a 3'6" Irish-man in a green suit.
#5) Evil has a whole new rap....do I really need to get into that?

#6) STICKY FINGAZ? Okay, at least 50 Cent occasionally will call himself Curtis Jackson. It's not like the guy is "Ice-T", "Ice Cube" "Snoop Dogg", or even "Marky-Mark Walhberg"! Until you are a household name, go by your real name G.

#7) This is supposed to be a HORROR film. There is nothing scary or remotely interesting about this poster. I've been known to pick up films off the shelf that have very intriguing covers, just to see what it's about. This poster has no creativity, and went for very obvious choices. It's disgusting. This looks like something I'd see next to like How High? and NOT in the horror district.

Ultimately, this poster is just dreadful. The film itself does nothing more than stereotype the black community and quite frankly, the movie sucks...really really hard. So this St. Patty's day, instead of watching any of these films, do the more festive thing... Have a drink for me!

"You guys did a pretty bang-up job on my brother...he is pretty fucking dead down there"


Finally we receive a breath of fresh air as far as re-makes are concerned. To be completely honest, as much as I love the original Last House on the Left, it's a film that I see like Cannibal Holocaust. It's simply that both films are ones that I find crucial for any horror fan to watch, but not one that I will put on a top ten list for best horror films of all time. I also don't really feel as though I would ever need to watch either of those films more than twice in a lifetime. Now many horror fanatics out there are going to bash on this film because, well, it's a re-make. I also am completely aware with the connections to violence in the homes and the violence in war and all that mambo jambo that was way before my time. However, don't people realize that the original is actually a remake of The Virgin Spring? Most don't. Hell, most of the people in the audience I saw tonight didn't even realize that this film was a re-make. I enjoyed watching this version more than I did the original, but both of the films are great in very different ways. There may be spoilers so reader be warned.

First, kudos to Sarah Paxton. How on earth she managed to pull off this role with the Aquamarine the mermaid and Rachel Witchburn of Sydney White as your two BIG roles. I've worked a lot with community groups dedicated to the support of child/teen rape victims, and she really pulled at my heartstrings. Some people portray rape in an almost mocking manner but she was incredibly believable. She screamed in terror and pain, and not for attention, which I've come to find...is usually the case. It also doesn't hurt that she has those piercing eyes that look into your soul. You can see the pain when she's lying on the coffee table into one of her assailants.

Second, I actually enjoyed the fact that the film was tamed down a bit. The original was borderline snuff. While I loved the guts and glory of the original, that would NEVER fly by today's standards. I was never fearing for anyone's life in the original, I was just so off-put by the sadistic nature of not only the criminals, but of the parents. My mother raised me on Craven and the liking, and she even admitted to me "I love you honey, but I will not bite off a dick for you". Which I personally agree with. Will a mother stab a man for her daughter? Probably. Will a mother bite off a dick? I don't think so.


Unless a horror film has a ghost, monster, demon, possession, curse, witch, slasher, or anything of the sorts; I like my films to be believable.
There wasn't any character's with superhuman anything and I LIKED that each death was completely believable.

That being said, I wasn't bothered too much with the liberties taken in the film. This film definitely had a heart, and I felt for the family, and probably more so for Justin, the son of the leader of the murder pack. In the original film, I felt the "necklace" being completely out of place. I have never had my mother randomly give me a necklace that has absolutely no significance to me before this moment in time to deliver me some sort of luck. This time around however, I loved the necklace. It became such a vital part of the film and my heart skipped a beat when it fell off of her neck mid-rape. The necklace itself had a back story, which made it so much more heart wrenching when the mother found it in the kitchen. I also loved that Justin purposely set out the necklace. If he had just had it dangling around his neck, the mother probably would have blown his head off. It helped add to the character development in my opinion. The acting was a million times better in this film. I also particularly enjoyed the fact that Mari doesn't die. It gives the parents even more ammo because they are watching the child suffer rather than staring at a corpse. It also sort of set up a time frame for the killings to take place, for Mari needed to get to a hospital.

I felt that this film was done very well. There was a pretty good level as far as the graphic-ness of kills, and the film actually drew me in. [which is a rare thing in horror]. It gave me an extreme sense of empowerment out of the parents. I plan on being a mother myself someday and I know myself well enough to know that I would do the same thing if anyone hurt my daughter, and I knew who the people were. It's just a matter of thinking, how far would you go to protect your children. Watching a MOTHER do some justified killing [sorry Mama Vorhees...you were a few years late of justification]. Mothers are normally the ones that console the poor child while the father goes out killing, but watching the mother blow someone away, stab, drown, and knock out...was pretty awesome to see. I'll admit, I threw up my femme fist for her on a few ocassions.

However, like most reviews you'll read...the last minute is compltely uncalled for. I don't want to spoil it for you though. Just let me tell you this, when you think the movie is over...just leave. Unless you want to see a scanner-esque kill :)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Well, Women are crafty aren't they?

So sorry I've been a bit MIA. I've been driving home for Spring Break and last night was consumed of adventures in Milwaukee for the world record holding midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show by the fabulous cast of Sensual Daydreams.

Anyways, my mother and I were discussing how "crafty" women are, in regards to daily life. It seems that women are under-the-radar MacGyver's when it comes to almost anything. We can whip up a meal at a second's notice, improvise outfits for any occasion, and countless other things that feminists are reading me type and growling... Regardless, I'm gonna showcase my personal favorite interesting or improvised kills. That being, they use a really strange weapon of some sort.

First off we have one of my favorite movies 2001 Maniacs. If it wasn't wonderful enough that Robert Englund was a one eyed mayor of a ghost Civil War cannibal town, or the fact Tim Sullivan directed...the character of "Miss Peaches" more than makes up for it. Not only is she the town prostitute, but she's also the stereotypical white trash hooker. She wears daisy dukes, she's missing teeth, and she's got short, over-processed hair. I've seen Wendy Kremer outside of her "Miss Peaches" ensemble, and she's a fox. As the town prostitute, she clearly makes sex her power tool, especially when she's going down on some poor sap and puts that death grill in her mouth. I'm sure I don't need to tell anyone what happens next :)




Another B-Movie I absolutely love is Monster Man where we have one of the Disney Channel kids all grown up and doing a sort-of horror film. If the dialogue didn't have the humor to make this movie extremely enjoyable, the character of "Sister Sarah" totally does. What's even better, is that you don't realize her improvisation of her weapon until the end of the film. I'm not going to give away WHY she does what she does, because that'll ruin the movie. She has to take a virginity for something...and does so...while talking like Yoda. Nothing says "Wow, I picked the wrong girl" better than knowing your death went hand in hand with Yoda sounding sex. "The Force is Strong beneath this one..."

Another film I find extremely underrated on its originality, is Carrie 2: The Rage. Granted, I'm mega bias when it comes to anything Carrie related, but this film was very entertaining for me. Horror films don't always have to scare me for it to be enjoyable. This film has by far some of the most insanely freaky deaths. Everything from glass doors decapitating, a mass amount of molotov cocktails, a pole through one head, through the peephole in the door and through the head of the person on the other side, to death by CD's, to eye glasses breaking and shooting shards of glass into the eyes [causing her to harpoon another boy in the groin], and harpoons underwater. While many people hate this film for being a sequel to such a classic, I love it and I will always recommend it to horror fans with an open mind...which is hard to come by these days :)

My last but certainly not least favorite Female[sort of] killer who improvises very...strange tools is Angela/Peter Baker of Sleepaway Camp. Little known fact, but this blog wouldn't be around if it wasn't for her/his crafty killings. B-Sol of The Vault of Horror posted a list of slashers on Bloody-Disgusting[dot]com and made her/his "weapon of choice" a curling iron. In the midst of whiny horror fans complaining about the list, I replied how "I spit diet coke when I read that". Thus, a mentor-ship was born! Angela/Peter Baker has some of the most memorable kills, because they were so...crafty. Plenty of household items like curling irons or boiling water was used. Since she/he is a slasher, of course the knife showed up plenty of times, but In my opinion. Curling iron to the lower region....is the coolest weapon ever.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Facial Filler or Zombie Maker?

Hey there ladies! Tired of those stubborn wrinkles and sagging skin? Well, worry no more! The good people at Avon have created the Derma-Full X3 which is guaranteeing you an improved face without injections.

 My mom got me hooked on Avon products when I was a teenager, and I always loved the "ding-dong Avon Calling!" cheer in Edward Scissorhands.  Very good quality makeup for cheaper.  The only thing they haven't mastered yet is perfume.  Although I will admit that Jewel by mark. is my favorite scent ever.  

Anyways, so every so often Avon comes out with these new products that are supposed to help out with middle aged women to make themselves appear younger.  Avon is directed towards middle-class Americans who can't afford these facial injections, so their "miracle serums" are supposed to help us out in that department.

Their newest baby is the Derma-Full X3. While reviews are great, I don't know if I trust it.  Maybe that's because the serum resembles the T-virus from the Resident Evil series.  Even scarier, is that both the Derma-Full X3 and the T-virus are doing sort of the same thing.  They're both meant to rejuvenate, and regenerate.  The T-virus has the ability to animate dead tissue, and the Derma-Full X3 has the ability to penetrate through the skin and manipulate it's substance. 

Is it possible that Avon products are on their way to developing a replica of the T-virus? Probably not, but you must admit, the resemblance is uncanny :)


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mommy, she scares me.


Okay, I'll be the first to admit that this post has little to nothing to do with actual "horror" films and more of a girl who scares the living ba-jesus out of me. I am an AVID watcher of America's Next Top Model. I'm a beauty queen and damn it, I'm allowed to be a girl once in a blue moon.


So here we are at Cycle 12. There's always that one girl who you can't look away from. Last season there was a transgendered contestant, and this season we have a girl who completely embodies horror chick. Allison Harvard is a former 4chan cam-girl[or creepy-chan. it] girls. That's meaning, she's a web-goth.


Now when I first saw this girl, I was instantly terrified by her huge eyes. I have this insane fascination and fear with eyes. Village of the Damned, Child's Play, The Eye, Carrie etc. etc. All have very prominent eyes, and all give me the creeps. So this girl has eyes that literally take up her entire face. They don't appear as big as in some of the pictures she takes, but in videos...Good god. So first, she has these huge eyes on her, then, she has this absolutely teeny-tiny figure. Thus making her appear more "doll-like". Someone even noted online that she almost "looks like a living corpse". She reminds me so much of one of the ghostly figures that poor little Haley Joel Osmond was being stalked by in The Sixth Sense. Now, I'm not saying she's all creep and no cute. She has this buxom lips that even out her eyes. While her eyes are enourmous, they are quite stunning and really draw you in.

After doing a bit of web-stalking, I discovered that she's actually an extremely talented artist. Although her work, like her appearance....is very haunting. A lot of her work contained images of people having nosebleeds. Which brings me to my next point. She has this morbid fascination with nosebleeds and the beauty of bleeding in general. Most of her creations are either adaptations of other women with large eyes, or ones that are bleeding. There are plenty of people out there who are fascinated by blood, but she even spoke about it on her audition of ANTM.


WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Zelda Rubinstein

Hello out there. I've decided to move the Woman of the Week special to Wednesdays. One of my majors here at school is English...and I like alliteration.  So eventually when my blog becomes super-popular, we can call it the WWW. Wednesday's Woman of the Week! Sound good? Thought so :)


This week, we are featuring a woman with arguably one of the most recognizable voices in the horror industry. [except maybe that of Jigsaw].  Character actress Zelda Rubinstein is one of those actresses that "everyone knows, but doesn't know who she is."  It's about time we paid attention to a true talent, and a downright sweet woman.  

While she's best known as playing the off-beat medium Tangina Barrons in the Poltergeist series.  She also has contributed many other roles and voice overs in the horror world.  

Standing proud at a towering 4'0", Zelda was originally working in the medical field.  She was hired for a few commercials but because of her very "different" voice, she was picked up as a regular on The Flintstones.  She auditioned for the role in Poltergeist and made the role Tangina the iconic character she has become.  I'm sure that people all over the place could hear the quote "This house is clean" and instantly think of her. Her haunting little voice gave her character a dose of terrifying, with a hint of sweet. 
She did an episode of the cult classic television show Tales From The Crypt where she portrayed a mother of a daughter who has been dead for over 40 years.  She did a few little small time movies here or there and even reprised her role as a psychic in the cult classic film Teen Witch. She plays a psychic witch who trains another girl who is in fact a witch.  Gives her spells to make her more popular, you know, the usual.  

Then one of my absolute favorite shows EVER aired on public television.  Hosted by Linda Blair and narrated by Zelda Rubinstein, Scariest Places on Earth showed around the Halloween season for 6 years.  When the show started to fall and the hauntings didn't seem real anymore, [maybe because the crew admits to staging events...]the one thing that kept the spook was Rubinstein's eerie voice telling tales of horror.   



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!!

Dear My Darling Son, 
Mommy wants you to know that she's taking place in a re-make of a classic that we will not do justice.  Please do not sleep, because then you might have to dream of this less than stellar film, don't go home, because we haven't returned it to Blockbuster yet...you may be temped to watch it, but don't you worry.  I will find you, and explain to you why we found it necessary to re-make a film that already has been done three times. 
-Mom

That's what the message on the wall should have been. What is so frustrating about this film, is that JAMES BOND is in it...and I still hated it. Talking about the film aside, this poster is absolutely disgusting.  It doesn't make me interested, it makes me think "thanks mom, you could have given me a napkin, but you wrote me a note instead"  
My mom used to write me notes on my napkins or put a post it on my lunchbox.  It always annoyed me more than it made me think she cared.  If I was Nicole Kidman's son, and I'm running from an evil alien invasion of pod-people, seeing a writing on a wall would NOT give me any sort of comfort.  I guess that's just me.  Maybe he could caress the wall and get a feel of his loving mother, or he could say "hmm...could be my mom, could be some other crazy lady looking for her kid"  THERE ISN'T ANY SPECIFICATIONS!

The title is also extremely small.  You'd think if you were remaking such a classic, you'd make the title a little bit bigger...that's just me. Then again, maybe not. Rotten Tomatoes only rated this film a 19%, so I guess it's a good thing that they didn't promote the title...I bet Jack Finney rolled over in his grave. 

I don't have too much to say about this poster, it's pretty self-explanatory. Just like mom's napkin notes...it sucks.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Alright...Bandwagon Hopping: Wanna Know What Scares Me?

As most of you know, I'm an avid reader of my mentor B-Sol & Co.'s blog The Vault of Horror.  The past few weeks each contributer has been putting up a little history as well as references as to what makes them tick, and scream for protection.  What it is, that scares them...

When I was younger, I laughed at the dark, I snickered at the closet monster, I stomped on the monster under the bed, and simply let spiders back outside.  I was a bonafide tough girl who wasn't afraid of anything! Well, that's a lie. I was a tough girl on the surface, but would tremble at the strangest things. I had a big issue with being alone as a child.  From what I know, many other children shared the same experience.  There's something incredibly terrifying about being alone as a child, as well as an adult.  You become vulnerable, without protection, and without any defense other than yourself.  That's extremely scary to me.  

Psychological fears aside, I was TERRIFIED of the VHS box to Night of the Living Dead. I had seen the movie plenty of 
times when I was a child, but never had to look at the box the movie came from. I was also a chronic sleepwalker as a child. I would wake up in the kitchen, the family room, basements, even inside a dollhouse before.  One night, I had sleepwalked at my best friend's house into the family room and fallen asleep next to her father's collection of horror films.  He always had them out for us little ones to choose from.  I must have knocked the collection over when I fell to the floor back asleep, because when I woke up that morning, the box for Night of the Living Dead was right next to my face. Imagine waking up to zombies, screaming women, a naked ass, and the word DEAD in huge letters. Needless to say, I screamed bloody murder and woke up the entire house.  I would run and scream out of the room whenever anyone pulled out the tape to watch.  I even made my parents put our VHS copy in a clear box just so I didn't have to look at the artwork on the front. Damn you Karen Cooper. Damn you and your terrifying gaze.  She also resembled my good friend Becky.  Seeing her as a zombie always made me fear sleepovers at Becky's house, for fear that she might, I don't know....EAT ME?!

I'm pretty sure I've always had a fear of big eyes. If anyone out there has seen the new season of America's Next Top Model...look at Allison...she gives me nightmares.  Anyways, before my parents invested in cable, we only had a few stations.  Every so often, the TV companies would give us a trial run through of one of the hot cable stations we were missing out on.  When I was about five or so, we finally got a chance to experience the Sci-Fi channel.  I stayed up all night watching Sci-Fi. It was about 3am when they had an announcement to "put the kids to bed" I managed to sneak behind a couch and watch the first Child's Play movie.  I had no problem watching the film, that was until Chucky talked in the voice of Charles Lee Ray.  I freaked out that the doll was alive.  Yet, after I discovered he was a murder...the normal "Good Guy" doll scared me even more.  Somehow, I could see the pure evil that sat behind those huge blue eyes.  I started giggling at evil Chucky, but had a heart attack whenever "Good Guy" Chucky was on screen. I would close my eyes and still have those piercing blue plastic balls staring back at me. I couldn't escape them.  I would go to school and see those eyes everywhere I went.  Such a trivial movie now that I watch it now, but it still gives me the creeps when I'm not concentrating on it.

One of my more, strange fears, was the Alice Cooper album From the Inside.  I was maybe 9 or 10 when I heard it for the first time.  Cooper stayed in an asylum for alcoholism and wrote songs about the people he encountered there.  While I appreciate the album now, one of the scariest things for me to listen to was his song "Millie and Billie".  The music is very sweet and broadway sounding, but the message behind it is absolutely terrifying.  The first time I listened to it, I distinctly remember bobbing my head around to the tune while my dad laughed, it was until I heard the line "all sliced up and sealed tight in baggies / guess love makes you do funny things" that really got me. I stopped bobbing my head and stared ahead out the window.  My dad looked down at me and asked what my problem was.  I looked back up at him and said "Daddy, is this song about killing Millie's husband?" He had the most menacing laugh [at least it sounded like it after hearing this song] and he said "Yes, honey...love makes you do funny things".  My dad loved to scare me, he thought it was great. I screamed bloody murder and ran away from him.  I knew my Daddy loved me, and after hearing that song, I was convinced that love made you kill people.  Note: my parents used to run the haunted hayride in our town around Halloween.  (My dad would dress up like Jason Vorhees with a fake chainsaw and hop onto the tractor cart at the end and scare the people he knew.  Usually, that included 5 year old me.  I was so terrified once he had to sit down and take off his mask.  He picked me off the ride and took me to a random spot to be a "baby zombie".  I love my father, but I think he forgot how old I was sometimes...)So with all this talk of loving someone so much, you'd kill....I was afraid my father was going to kill me!  It wasn't until my mother sat me down with my dad and explained to me that the song was about crazy people and my dad was perfectly sane. I breathed deep and finally relaxed.  

Sunday, March 8, 2009

What defines horror?


Sorry about the lack of post yesterday and the jarbled mess of a layout that was the Barbie issue. Blogger has been acting quite strange for me the past week or so, I re-vamped my internet and all is well! (or so it seems). 

So this past weekend I finally got to the theater to see the badass Liam Neeson in his new action/thriller TAKEN. First, let me tell you, that this film was UNFREAKINGBELIEVEABLE.  I'm prone to loving Neeson's work to begin with, but according to good ol' wikipedia, he kills 37 and injures 13.  His one liners were absolutely brilliant, and he really pulled at my heartstrings as a caring father.  The fire in his eyes was extremely apparent as he tore down anyone and anything preventing him from finding his daughter.  He used wit, strength, and very wonderful tactics to ultimately get what he came for.

But Brittney-Jade, this has NOTHING to do about women...actually it does.  The film is about a father, protecting his daughter. Now, the film wasn't labeled as a horror, but it frightened me a lot.  There's something about the unknown of new places and unfamiliar surroundings that have a bit of curiosity and a bit of fear within it.  The daughter is going away with a friend overseas to Paris without any sort of supervision.  That in itself is extremely frightening to me. I could never even think about letting my seventeen year old daughter alone in a foreign land. (that is, if i had a 17 year old daughter...) Girls being by themselves already sets up a combination for vulnerability, as well as a good kick of horror.

So that brings me to my point of this blog, what defines horror? TAKEN is defined as a thriller, when it scares me more than films like The Blair Witch Project which is categorized as a horror film.  Things can be frightening without monsters, slashers, ghosts, curses, or serial killers.  Sometimes, the scariest things are those that we know can be possible, the things that our mothers warned us about.  The film The Strangers {which I personally didn't enjoy, but that's not the point} was considered a horror film because strange people were breaking in their house to kill those inside.  However TAKEN portrays two girls being kidnapped and thrown into the trafficking ring of Europe.  Both situations are extremely terrifying, and both are extremely real.  I cannot give an answer that explains what defines horror, but I can say that horror exists in all realms of our imagination as well as reality.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Life in plastic...IT'S FANTASTIC!


So I won't pretend that I was some rough and tumble little girl when I was growing up, and tell you stories about how I set my Barbie dolls on fire or anything; because that was the furthest thing from my childhood. I was a proud owner of at least 175 Barbies of all colors, ages, and styles. Today I'm going to give Barbie a thumbs up for creating some of the coolest character adaptations in the horror genre. This way, even the darkest of little girls have a doll to call their own.

Kudos to idolizing the character Melanie Daniels in the Hitchcock classic The Birds. Best part about the dolls is that the birds stick to the doll. So she really can't ever escape the clawing creatures and that fantastic lime suit :)


Sometimes, things are so wonderful, they have to come in pairs. The Mattel corporation has graced us with the scary-sexy couple of Gomez and Morticia Addams. Sadly, the dolls cannot snap, nor can Gomez make kissing noises up Morticia Addams. I'm praying they come out with a Kelly doll version of Wednesday and Pugsly....if only...


DON'T LOOK INTO HER EYES! That's right ladies and gentlemen...IT'S MEDUSA BARBIE!!



Adding to our list is another couple the lovely Munster couple.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hot Girls In Scary Places!


Well, E! is about to bring us another new show that does nothing more than exploit our nations love for watching hot girls with their mouths open. I was referring to screaming of course...E! will be presenting us next month with Hot Girls in Scary Places. They're combining two of our favorite things, being terrified, and being mind-blowingly hot. The show is supposed to drop three cheerleading best friends from USC, into a "haunted hospital" for one night. Each girl is competing against the other for a cash prize of $10,000. Now that may sound easy enough, but the girls will have to do some paranormal investigation. One of the girls is a proud Song Girl Lindsey Grubbs by the way...The show is supposed to be a prototype for a series where the three girls would be put in a different "scary" location each week.

I can honestly say that the only thing that would make me watch this show is because my blog is talking about it. This show is going to be nothing more than a bunch of "like, um, omg, and oooooh mmmyyyyy gaaaawd!"'s being blurted out every so often. Of course what also makes me skeptical is the fact that these girls are not trained in paranormal research, so how do we know if the "haunted hospital" is actually haunted. I can only picture this being nothing but a set of loud noises, traps, and projected images just to scare these girls. People will be wasting their time watching this show merely to watch cheerleaders run, jump, and scream from "haunted" activity.

Disgusting.

I am in no way a feminist, but this makes me absolutely disgusted. At least in the horror genre women are represented as empowered figures sometimes. This just...ugh. The only reason these girls even got a role on this show is because they're atatomically idolized, and they all go to the same college. The title itself just makes me irritated. I love watching the Halloween specials on TLC, or even ABCfamily when they put average people in haunted places to do paranormal investigation; but this has gotten out of control. Maybe it's because the Girls Next Door is slowly coming to a close, but seriously?! Who was the marketing genius that came up with that freaking title?! Has our nation become so simple that we have to spell out what the show is about in the title alone. A 15 year old could have came up with that.

The show is being produced by Go Go Luckey which has given us A & E's Paranormal State. What is it with their obsession with the paranormal and college students?! What bothers me more about Paranormal State is that they are attempting to give us "real" accounts of paranormal activity, but the screams they record resemble the screams you would hear on Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Then again, this same company is planning to give us shows like Rich Girl, Poor Girl, and Nightclub Confessions. So I don't know why this idea of a "hot girl in scary situation" reality show, is surprising me. They're also the same people that gave us Laguna Beach.

Ick.

If you must watch, it'll air on E! on Friday the 13th...spooky...NOT

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

UP YOURS WITH A TWIRLING LAWN MOWER!

Happy Wednesday! Lately there has been a ton of buzz surrounding the new A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. While I was at first skeptical of remaking such a classic film, I will admit it will be nice to see Freddy Krueger scary again. Where there is absolutely no doubt that Robert Englund IS Freddy Krueger, I'm more concerned on who is going to play the infamous final girl that is Nancy Thompson...

While Nancy wasn't a brilliant actress, nor was she a hot commodity, if the re-make wants to be taken at least seriously, they have to do a great job. I personally think it's harder to remake such an iconic film, because people already have exactly what they want set up in their minds. So if this new actress isn't going to stack up to Nancy, we won't want care about the film.

A lot of hype is being told that Lindsay Lohan is going to star as Nancy. I however do not think that the producers are that stupid. Lindsay Lohan has little to no respect in the film industry, let alone the horror industry where they [sometimes literally] rip you apart for one bad film. If anything, pray that she's Tina so she dies within the first couple of scenes.

I'm here to talk about the actresses that I would be accepting as Nancy, but not necessarily thrilled. No one is Heather Langenkamp. I had an extremely hard time trying to find girls to play the role of Nancy, because it seemed that everyone was either too old or didn't have enough experience. There may be actresses you don't necessarily agree with but hey, they have to be a high schooler.


Option 1: Martha MacIsaac
She may be Becca from Superbad, but every film she's done after has been either a horror or a thriller. Plus she nabbed a spot in the remake of The Last House On The Left. I obviously haven't seen the remake yet, but if she does it some justice, I'll be completely acceptable of her playing Nancy. The thing I like most about her is that she can be believeable as a high school student. There's nothing worse than putting someone who doesn't look like they're still in high school...IN a high school setting. She can also have curly hair like Nancy, which I feel was very iconic for her. So, it's not as far of a stretch like Scout Taylor-Compton was to Jamie Lee Curtis.



Option 2: Zena Grey
Honestly, when composing this list, I tried to think of some of my favorite actresses who were about my age, or kid actresses from when I was younger and did sort of a "where are they now?" research project. Zena Grey starred in one of my favorite kid movies Max Keeble's Big Move as an independent clarinet playing little girl. I loved her, she had a killer scream, and she was badass for a twelve year old. When I looked up where she was I discovered, hey, she's the hot red-head from the new Wes Craven film! If she's good enough to handle one of his films, she's okay by me to do another. Might have to lose the red-head look, just wouldn't be right.

Option 3: Alyson Stoner
Most people are probably reading this and saying, "who the hell is Alyson Stoner?" She's better known for her roles in Cheaper By The Dozen, playing roles in every show from Disney & Nickelodeon, and not to mention, she's that 10 year old hip-hop dancer from the Missy Elliot videos. Well, she's all grown up now, and time to take grown-up roles. I think this little runt has the potential to be something big. When she's not all dolled up in makeup, she has the most expressive eyes I've ever seen. She's very good at acting strong, but even better at acting scared. Sounds crazy, but watch an episode of her younger shows where she's "hurt" and she'll make you want to cry. I'd like to see what she can do now that she's lost the pigtails and straight bangs.

Option 4: Melissa McIntyre
Now, I will admit that being only 18 years old, I'm allowed to have some guilty pleasures that are a bit....embarrassing. I'm absolutely addicted to the "teen drama" Degrassi: The Next Generation on Nickelodeon's teen network The-N {formally noggin} This show is actually filled with some incredibly talented young actors and actresses. One of my favorite characters is Ashley Kerwin because she is very very good at playing the lost soul of the group. I think she could believably pull off Nancy. She is Canadian however, so we might have to shake the accent.




Well, there you have it. my 4 options for Nancy Thompson, just because I only posted these four doesn't mean I don't believe someone else could jump in and do it justice. I'm just giving an alternate approach to the role instead of all the Amanda Seyfried and Lindsay Lohan rumors. Regardless, we're trying to re-do a classic, and no one can do it the way the original was done...
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