Tuesday, December 29, 2009

HORROR HACKDOWN: Shaun Vs. Tallahassee

I know, I know, I'm a terrible blog writer and have neglected you fine folk for much too long. I've managed to sneak a little wireless connection so I can give you an actual post. I've been trying to figure out with a new feature for DotW for all you womanizers to enjoy, and today I have figured one out. Ever think of those "I wonder who would win in a fight?" situations but cannot bear to choose who would win? Well, now you can! I bring to you, the HORROR HACKDOWN! Let's Get Ready To CRUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEE!THIS WEEK'S MATCH: ZOMBIE COMEDY KILLERS SHAUN VS. TALLAHASSEE *ding ding*

In this corner, hailing from the Winchester Pub, in the trunks with some red on them, The Prince of Peanuts---SHAUN RILEY!! Now you may be wondering what this fumbling idiot who can't even make a dinner reservation has to do in this fight, but if you all recall, he is THE king of the zombie comedy.

Shaun may be a little irresponsible, a slacker, and owns some embarrassing vinyl albums...but who would think of a cricket bat to defend yourself in the zombie apocalypse? The rest of his crew took typical items like golf clubs, axes, shovels, baseball bats, you know...phallic objects. It may be an English thing, but the cricket bat is probably the coolest undead destroying instrument since the boomstick. Think of it this way, Shaun is like every Average Joe you meet on the street. He's just like you! It's always a nice thought that you don't need to be this rough and tumble guy to survive. All you need is some passion and a good weapon.

Shaun is a great zombie killer for the fact that he's not only thinking about himself. It's very easy to become selfish in a time of crisis and only care about keeping yourself alive. While this is a nice plan for yourself, its a disastrous plan for those who actually have a heart. Shaun had been completely neglecting those who care the most about him, but when put in the situation where he's almost expected and allowed to be selfish...he's not. He works to keep not just himself afloat, but his mother, girlfriend, her flatmates, his best friend, and for a while even his hated step-father. He risked his life traveling from his house to his mother's house, and then even climbed up a building to save his girlfriend and her flatmates. That's the true act of a hero if you're asking me. So basically, He's not some uber badass who knows exactly what to do, he's just someone who's probably grown up watching the uber badasses who know exactly what to do. He's thrust into this situation, and while he's hesitant at first, he almost comes to terms with it and realizes what needs to be done to try and survive. So off he goes to secure his loved ones and hold down in the safest place he can think of. It may not all work out, but he at least does something instead of sit and panic.

The quick thinking Shaun has an ability to use everything from couch pillows, to laundry baskets, to records, and even a fire extinguisher as a weapon shows that he has the ability to think on his toes. HOWEVER: one of the downfalls Shaun has is that he is accompanied by Ed. While Ed may be the best zombie movie sidekick known to man, he DOES hold him back. He draws unnecessary attention, he's loud, and he pisses off the whole group. Always note if Shaun is on your team, So is Ed. So be prepared to be pissed off about cell phone calls, wrecking cars, turning on arcade games, and throwing out the first album you've ever bought.


And in this corner, riding up on a bright yellow #3 H2, in the Twinkie yellow trunks, it's time to Nut Up or Shut Up-TALLAHASSEE! His momma said that one day he'd be good at something, but I must agree when he says that I bet she never thought that thing would be zombie killing. Some people are just born badass, I have to say that Tallahassee is one of those people.

Armed with a hell of a vehicle, a ton of weapons, and the pure fury to destroy the undead; Tallahasse is a bonafide zombie killing machine. He takes no mercy with the flesh eating freaks and doesn't kill just for survival, but for entertainment as well. His weapon of choice may be a gun of any form, but he's been known to kill them off with more creative items like a banjo. Or you could always set him up in a carnival where you know he can lock himself in a game booth and take out about a hundred of them with some bullets.

Tallahassee would be the absolutely coolest person to travel around killing zombies with. Not only does he make almost a game out of killing the undead, but he's also a die-hard Bill Murray fan. You can tell from his conversations with not just his sidekick Columbus, but also Little Rock and Witchita that he truly does love this idea of the zombie slaughter. You could share zombie killing tips as well as share stories of the zombies you annihiliated before you and Tallahassee hooked up. He's also a man of taste, if two teenage girls steal your car, he's not just going to take the next one he sees, he's going to be killing zombies in style. I mean if you're going to go out, you might as well look good doing it. If you're ever in fear that Tallahasse may be losing his touch, bribe him with Twinkies and I guarantee that's the easiest way to light a fire underneath him. It's like they say, "You gotta enjoy the little things"

Tallahasse isn't a one man band. You will also be dealing with the little spit-fuck Columbus, as well as 12 year old Little Rock and her fellow conwoman sister Witchita. As much as you believe having them around may be good for you, it's very difficult dealing with not just one person, but one person who's extremely paranoid as well as two children who would turn you in for a gun and a vehicle quicker than you can say "Zombie Kill of the Day".


2 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Embarrassing albums, my ass. Sade fucking rules. Nick Frost can suck my knuckle.

B-Sol said...

I, too, own the Batman Prince album--and would gladly throw it to kill a zombie.

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