Monday, December 14, 2009

BJ-C'S WORST OF 2009

I have been waiting all year to drop this list upon us. There is nothing I enjoy doing more than completely ripping apart a film that deserves to have the shit kicked out of it for simply existing. I LOVE getting my hands on a film that sucks. Most horror bloggers hate when bad horror comes out because it shows some of the decline in our genre, I EMBRACE IT! Why? Well, it keeps me with a job since my research has shown you sick kids love hearing me bitch and rant over glorify things! Then again, sassiness has always been my strong point. I understand :D

TRANSYLMANIA

Hey, remember that time that Twatlight totally overran our generation and because so many people in the movie business are only concerned about money and could give two shits less about creating a quality film as long as their pockets stay heavy they made a shit ton of awful vampire movies to try and catch the Twatlight wave that they all COMPLETELY missed horribly and with the success of Zombieland buzzing around they threw together this shiteous vampire comedy that should only be seen as a means to torture people since we don't have Guantanamo Bay anymore? Yeah. Me too.
THE UNINVITED

Dear Ridiculously awful film,
I'm very glad that you chose the title that you did because I feel it perfectly exemplifies everything you stand for. You were NOT invited to stand along the ranks of some exceptional horror films and you were NOT invited to be a shiteous remake of a film I actually love. You were NOT invited to waste two hours of my life that could have been spent picking my nose and would have done more to entertain society than your film did. Basically, you crashed our horror party; you uninvited bastards
Love,
BJ-C
THE UNBORN

I have the most BRILLIANT idea for a film. Are you sitting down? Good. Okay so first we have Megan Fox. Oh...we don't have Megan Fox? Okay fine, Odette Yustman is sort of close enough...GREAT! So we have her and she's being stalked by this creepy entity that looks like if Damien from the Omen remake went to Auschwitz. Why? Because he's her twin brother who died in the womb but taking form as her Grandmother's dead twin brother who died in WWII! And then Mega-I mean Odette is going to be stalked by visions of her, and weird upside dogs, and we're just going to completely rip off everything from The Exorcist! Doesn't that sound great?! Alright people, lets go make a movie!
THE STEPFATHER

How cool! Dylan Walsh is playing a fucked up father who goes around dissecting people with sharp objects and bouncing around tons of different women all the while ruining their families in order to fufil his sick fantasy! This is such an original concept for this actor and I'm so pleased to see him work with such a challenging character! Oh...wait..that's right...HE PLAYS THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER ON NIP/TUCK. Granted, I love that show, but this remake was just like putting Dr. McNamera in a new setting and pressing record. Lord. Have. Mercy.
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D

I love the 3-D experience just as much as the next couch potato, but when EVERY SINGLE 3-D moment could be predicted and it looked like it was only included in the film for the 3-D aspect. Come on now, have some creativity man. If he's throwing a pick axe, we all know he's throwing it at us and that instantly looses its fear appeal. Your 50's 3-D brethren are rolling in their graves.
THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

HOLY JUMP SCARES BATMAN! As someone who really tries hard at everything they do, there is no bigger pet peeve than witnessing wasted potential. That's the best way to describe this film. It could have been horrifying and haunting (no pun intended). However it was just one missed bar after another. I had high expectations for this film (that'll teach me to care) because the story it's based upon is something I already knew a ton of information about, however...it failed. EPICALLY. This was probably the worst horror movie I saw all year. That's including H2.
H2

Speaking of the devil that walks among us, what could it be?! It's a bird, its a plane, its ROB ZOMBIES HORRIBLE SEQUEL TO A REMAKE!!! The man can make one hell of an exploitation film, but if you give him the rights to a classic...you end up with this. A whiny and homeless looking Laurie Strode, an Annie Brackett who vandalizes her bathroom walls, a maskless Shape, a greedy Loomis, and a white wigged Pamela Voorhees inspired Momma Myers. WHAT THE FUCK?!
DEAD SNOW

Zombies, Nazi's, ZOMBIE NAZI'S! How could you go wrong? Well, it's quite easy. Just make this film. I was so excited and oh so disappointed by this trash. Don't just take my opinion though, there are a ton of people who loved it...it's just not my cup of tea. Hell, it's not even my shot of tequila. I just hate it.
ANTICHRIST
"I give props to Lars von Trier for crafting one of the most beautiful opening sequences of any film I have ever seen, but that does little to save the self-serving hour and a half that followed. I have no problem with genital mutilation per se, but its overuse was a major factor in my distaste for the film. It was made for von Trier and no one else, and despite the popularity of “Chaos Reigns” (I will admit that was a cool scene), Antichrist was nothing more than pompous bloviation." -Brad McHargue of I Love Horror
SORORITY ROW

Like OH MY GAWD! So this guy liek totaaally cheated on our friend so liek we decided that we just HAAAD to get back at him cause that's such like a douchey move ya know? So anyway we thought of this funny prank to play where we'd fake her death and she was being such a convincing actress and stuff and like oh my god you'd TOTALLY have thought she was dead. But then her stupid douchey boyfriend accidentially actually killed her and stuff! It was soo freaking sad! I cried harder than when Spencer and Hedi got married! So we like threw her in a mine shaft and stuff so no one would find out but then some really ooky things started happening on campus. All my sisters started DYING! I know! Spooky!
*puts gun in mouth*

10 comment(s):

Hey! Look Behind You! said...

I haven't seen half of these, which makes me feel good.

ZedWord said...

Do you also like the Evil Dead movies? Dead Snow was made much in the vein as those films (almost to the point of stealing from those movies).

maybefirsttimes said...

why is antichrist on your worst movies list if you didn't watch it?

BJ-C said...

@nicki-good. don't waste your life :)

@zed-i do love them. which is why i hated this :D

@maybe-I did watch it. I just like Brad's summary of it better than what I came up with.

Henry Clay said...

I am glad that another person agrees with me that Dead Snow was disappointing. I thought I was just crazy.

Although I disagree on Antichrist.

The Igloo Keeper... said...

Dead Snow is great. you're crazy

Rabid Fox said...

Of these, I've seen The Uninvited. Well, I watched the first half-hour then skipped to the end. Bloody Valentine and Stepfather look especially terrible, but I admit to still wanting to see The Unborn and Antichrist.

Planet of Terror said...

MBV 3D was a great mindless romp. Nothing ground breaking for sure, but fun nevertheless. How can you not like heads and body parts flying in your face?

oducerproducer said...

Antichrist was very self serving, let's see how long i can hold a slow mo shot. It's like Lars was making a horror film by saying, look how better you can be. It wasn't, i mean it was well made, but nothing i'll ever watch again.

Chris said...

I've seen all of them except for H2 and Anti-Christ. Great list of largely disappointing films, though I did tend to enjoy the remake of A Tale of Two Sisters.

Glad I've found your blog. Looking forward to reading future posts and backtracking through previous posts!

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