Thursday, November 19, 2009


Barbara "Babs" Swan has always been a little bit different. Never one to run with the crowd, Babs never cared about fitting in with the trendy, plastic girls at her Forks, Washington high school. Why would anyone want to have tons of friends when you can stare awkwardly at everyone with a scrunched forehead and a panicked expression? When her mother remarried and Babs chooses to live with her father in the rainy little town of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, she didn't expect much of anything to change. However her expectations were completely blown away when she was welcomed with not only a handful of new gal pals, but the attention of Deadward Cullen.

My first day in Pittsburgh fell upon me like a cloud of rain over Seattle. I gently brushed my brown tresses behind my ear and attempted to find a seat in the lunch room. A few other girls allowed me to sit with them when I saw him. He drug his feet across the floor with a slight grunt with every step. Every deep breath of his made my heart beat so fast it was as if the Gods could hear. He caught eyes with me. Beneath the sunken appearance, he had this breathtakingly bright eyes that seemed to look right through my skull and invested in my brain. I noticed his eyes were white. Stone white. He took a seat amongst a table of what I was told was his family. "I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn’t the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard."
I loved him. I could see it in his stone eyes that I loved him. For as slow as he moved, I just wanted to slowly move with him. It was in the parking lot that I knew he loved me too. I had been sitting in the lot when suddenly a van came out of nowhere. In a blink of an eye, Deadward came after the driver and began to pull him out of the vehicle. The van went haywire and completely missed me, the driver tumbled out of the car in a very weakened stage. Deadward reached out to me and I placed my hand around his wrist. That's when I felt it. No pulse. I gripped differently and yet as my heart raced, his seemed to be nonexistent. As he pulled me up, I placed my head on his chest. His body felt like ice, and I still couldn't find a heartbeat. He pulled my head up and asked me to go with him. I could feel him smelling me. He muttered to himself "BRAINS". I looked at him blankly and he just stared, but I could see the hunger in those stone eyes of him. I didn't understand, why didn't he try to eat me? How does he not smell of rot? About three things I was abosolutely positive. First, Deadward was a zombie. Second, part of him – and I didn’t know how dominant that part may be – that he hungered for my brains. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Of course my life couldn't possibly ever be something other than chaotic and complicated. Although he hadn't told me yet, I knew he was a zombie. Leave it to me to grab the attention of his sworn enemy. Ken Black. I bought a truck from his dad and Ken couldn't stop telling me about his membership in the NRA. There was something about his rugged physique that just drew me to him. As much as I knew I loved Deadward...Ken was so interesting. I brought up my suspicion of Deadward as a zombie and Ken continued to tell me something absolutely petrifying. Apparently the Cullen family and the Black family had gone under in some epic battle where Ken shot at one of them. Rather than explode into pieces...they bled. Glitter. I've never heard of a zombie bleeding glitter before, but apparently that's what they've evolved into. I couldn't believe it, Deadward and his family were zombies, walking amongst us, and I had fallen in love with him. Ken had told me that there are animals found every day decapitated and the townsfolk believe that these zombies are simply feasting on animal brain as to not kill other people. I had to confront him. I had to hear the truth...from him.It was hard to bring up such a topic that would either make him look horrified, or me look embarrassed when I'm wrong. It had to be spoken of though. His skin appeared decayed, he was cold to the touch, he didn't have a pulse, he would grunt when I touched him (I'm assuming it was the riggamortis), he moved slowly, and he admitted to wanting me for my brains. There was no other explanation...he was a zombie. He wouldn't hurt me. He couldn't hurt me. Deadward finally confessed it all to me. His family were eating animal brains as it helped with the pain of being dead, but they didn't have to kill any people and risk getting caught. He was rotting away but thanks to the makers of Febreeze, AXE, and MAC makeup, his family could live as normal as possible. The reason many zombies "die" of a headshot isn't because they die, but because they bleed out glitter. This glitter blood gives away the fact that they're zombies, so most of them just play dead after being shot and let themselves die from starvation.
It was then that they arrived. Deadward had warned me about these nomadic zombies that still found sick pleasure in eating the brains of humans. The fact that I read such intelligent books like Wuthering Heights made me a delicacy amongst these zombies. When news broke that they were coming into town, I knew they were after me. I knew, and yet I didn't do anything. A zombie named Big Daddy came after me. Deadward tried to protect me but he bit me. Deadward came to my aid with a syringe of an anti-virus and injected it right into my brain. It was then that I begged Deadward to make me a zombie, to let me be one of his kind, to let me stay with him forever. So he did. He bit me and now I'm to remain forever a zombie. Which finally gives explination as to why I stare off into space in every single frame.

NOTE: Anything in " "'s were janked from the internet on
Yes. I went to that site...the things I do for this blog.

4 comment(s):

Lily Strange said...

Your revision made this into a story that I actually enjoyed reading. If it were a novel, I would have read beyond the third chapter!

Stuart Conover said...

Seriously bj, totally cracked me up with how you ended it and all of the zombie pictures. *grins*

Pax Romano said...

What a shame that I've avoided the entire Twitlight thing, so as funny as your post is, I am so blissfully unaware of the source material,that I sort of don't get it. Should I watch the damn movie?

ZedWord said...

I had a similar idea back in May to remake the poster of Twilight as a zombie one. You can see it here:

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