Monday, November 30, 2009
Now I'll just put it out there right now to get out of the way. The biggest problem quite a few people have with the thought of sleeping with zombies is necrophilia. Necrophilia is a sexual attraction for or sexual intercourse with dead bodies. Now let's think about that for a second. When is the last time you've seen something truly dead get back up and try to bite you? Zombies are considered the 'undead' for a reason. While they aren't quite to be counted among the living anymore, they also are no longer part of the dead.
Past the danger fetishes there are so many bonuses to zombie sex that should be focused on! - Regardless of the gender the undead are never 'not' in the mood. For those who prefer females in their lives you are easily able to just add lube and be set to go. Some might argue that that can add up but you know what they say, "blood makes a great lubricant!" Lovers of male though don't have to be left out either. What you have to remember is that when the body dies rigor mortis kicks in. Always able to please! - A benefit to society is that there is a high likelihood that the advancement of sex zombies in the home would decrease prostitution! Yes it would actually be helping society by removing this age old 'profession' that never has been quite legal, aside from right outside of Vegas. - On a moral high ground it also would never technically be cheating. You can't cheat on the person you love with something that is not technically alive- it would be more like masturbation with a sex doll! - Another bonus is for those of you who like to have verbal encouragement that they are doing the right thing? Well clearly moaning coming from a zombie will never be a problem to let you live out that part of your fantasy.
Zombie Sex In The Media Portrays It as Sex Slaves:
Media of course always shows off the worst of what can happen in any given situation. There are two examples of what can happen as expressed by media in general. The first is a rather dark idea reveling in the worst of human nature while the second seems more along the lines of what would become standard in the twisted minds found within the United States.
So to start with we'll go over what the worst case scenario would be. Someone so addicted to violence that they take the undead to use for their darkest perversions. While one can at least be happy this is being done to the undead and not someone living what is portrayed in Colin is darker then what anyone even half way normal could enjoy. A collection of slaves being mutilated to fulfill a fantasy of the most demented mind being used as a human canvas and most likely for sexual release. Demented? Yes. Again at least it's not being done to the living.
Now the more realistic approach is what is done within the confines of the film Fido. Zombies being used as slaves and in a certain case as a sexual one. Another level of the perversions that lie in the back of so many minds. Not just the newly found love of the undead but you mix in a
splash of B&D for good measure just to seal the deal.
A Little Imagery To Feed Your Appetite:
Some may argue that once undead there is no longer any physical attraction that can be had. As some one who is a strong believer that eye candy makes up a good portion of the experience (I am a very visual person,) I'm going to have to disagree with this thought. Think I'm wrong? I ask you to take a quick viewing at the following and tell me that you are going to really argue that.
An Undead Public Service Announcement:
While the idea of being able to have free reign sex whenever you want is clearly something that is appealing to both sexes without even having to worry about birth control- there ARE two issues that you need to keep in mind. The first of which is that the zombification process does not remove all STD's from the system. While it will kill off the vast majority of viral STD's, bacterial based ones can take weeks or months to die off. The second, and probably more major of a concern is of course that the transfer of bodily fluids can lead to the communication of the Zombie virus. Unless you plan on becoming one of the infected we HIGHLY suggest using protection in engaging in sexual activities with one of the undead.
On a side note, again for your own safety it is highly recommended to not attempt to have oral sex with the undead. This should be painfully obvious but the whole biting factor just makes it all in all a bad idea.
I will begin this review by letting you all in on a little secret. At the college I attend, I am a double major in Journalism…and Theatre. Yes! It’s true! Yours truly is a thespian and an avid lover of all things musical theatre *holds skull with jazz hands*. That being said, I have a tendency to judge quite harshly when it comes to musical theatre performances as musical theatre is the genre that I hold nearest and dearest to my Judy Garland obsessed heart. This past weekend, I was lucky enough to catch a performance of The Addams Family musical in Chicago as it was being tested out on us Windy City dwellers before it hits The Big Apple. I’ve been absolutely eager to see this production take flight and I finally was given my opportunity.
I would first like to state that the set design, light design, sound design, costumes, and scene transitions were absolutely fabulous. The Addams house looked creepy, cooky, mysterious, and yes…a little spooky. With monsters that come out of beds move and carry Pugsly away while he slumbers with his six toes, a moon that Fester falls for, and even a gigantic venus flytrap that eats mice on stage while we watch it clump down its throat; the technical aspect of the film was absolutely magnificent.
Second, the sound. I’m normally picky picky picky when it comes to music and I was terribly afraid the music for this show was going to be nothing more than these Gothic and dark songs that did nothing more than depress the audience. I was pleasantly shown otherwise. The music was very catchy and very “Broadway”. The love song, the dance break, the upbeat fiesty “I gotta figure this out” jam, all came power packed with just a hint of the macabre for this show. I found the music to be highly intelligent, as well as impressive. The pit playing had a hell of a brass line and I was very impressed. A lot of people are giving Bebe Neuwirth negative reviews as far as her voice is concerned and honestly, I had no problem with it. She was playing up the character (impecably I might add) as Morticia Addams. This includes her singing. There are parts where her voice switches from her natural singing voice to the “Morticia” singing voice and this shouldn’t be picked on so much. If you listen to the soundtrack to Little Shop of Horrors, you’ll notice Audrey’s voice does the same thing. This is because you can only have a character voice for certain notes before you end up sounding like a lousy singer. I will say that I found Fester’s songs to be a bit excessive. One of the most entertaining parts of the show and yet the one scene I would cut (the show runs a bit long for Broadway) is his love song about the moon. We see him floating in the air and yet as much as I enjoyed it, it didn’t play any necessary part for the storyline. Any producers reading this, cut that scene somehow…or shorten it. The voices of Gomez, Pugsly, Wednesday, Fester, The Beineke family, and the big surprise in Lurch were all absolutely phenomenal. I have made it my unrealistic theatre goal to one day play Wednesday on Broadway and to adopt the little boy playing Pugsly.
The acting was of course wonderful and I will say I have found a new obsession with Jackie Hoffman which is the actress and facial contorting genius behind the character of the Grandmama. Her lines were absolutely hysterical and her delivery was brilliant. She was the standout character of the entire show and a true star.
The show was based on the comics rather than the films, but the creators made the very VERY intelligent move by doing a ton of throwbacks to the characters that honestly, we’ve learned from the movies and television series. Fester’s light bulb in the mouth was a huge hit, as well as the special guest appearances of Thing, Cousin IT, and the infamous sword fights. The full arm kisses and the iconic snapping theme song all made the show all the more enjoyable by throwing us audience members a bone.
All in all, the show was awesome. Now it isn’t to say this show is better than Wicked or Spamalot which both recently played in Chicago, but it is definitely worth seeing and if I could scrounge up the funds, I’d go see it again in a heartbeat.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
- Aleata Illusion: GoreGoreDancer's Movie Reviews
- Alison Nastasi: The Screamstress
- Andre Dumas: The Horror Digest
- B-Movie Becky: The Horror Effect
- BJ-C: Day of the Woman
- Chris Hadden: Fascination with Fear
- The Divemistress: Zombots!
- Emily I.: The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
- Heather Santrous: Mermaid Heather
- Jennifer Golden: Zombies Are Magic!
- Kitty LeClaw: Killer Kittens from Beyond the Grave
- Maweanne: The Spooky Brew
- Monster Scholar: Monster Land
- Ms. Harker: Musings Across a Continuum
- Nicki Nix: Hey! Look Behind You!
- Nos: Confessions of a Gore Whore
- Rhonny Reaper: Dollar Bin Horror
- Sarah Jahier: Fatally Yours
- Tara Judah: Midnight Movie Review
- Tenebrous Kate: Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire
- Wednesday's Child: In It for the Kills
Monday, November 23, 2009
So a week or so back I gave you a review of the best damn short zombie film you'll ever bless your eyes to see- Chemical 12-D. The flick screened a little over a week ago at the Zombie Outbreak festival in Chicago, and the buzz has been growing ever since. It's just now wrapping up a screening at the Tromadance festival in New Mexico. For a college project...that's what we call the big time ladies & gents.
And now, I've gotten word from the filmmaker, Mac Eldridge of Water Cooler Productions, that Chemical 12-D is on-sale beginning today on DVD, for just a one-week period. So if your interest was piqued by my review and you've been curious about seeing the movie for yourself, this is your chance. I've got a copy of the DVD in my hands and let me tell you, it's well worth it. You will be the proud owner of...
- The Making of Chemical 12-D
- The Making of Water Cooler Productions
4 Commentaries with Mac Eldridge, David Wagenaar, Rob Davis, and Matt Nikkila.
The Deleted scene of Chemical 12-DThe Past Work of Water Cooler Productions
-Timmothy O’Toole’s Commercial
-In A State Of (Water Cooler Productions first zombie movie!)
The DVD is being sold directly from the Water Cooler Productions website, so head over there if you're so inclined and support this very rare gem, a low-budget indy horror short that is actually very good and made at mainstream professional standards. The proceeds from the sale will be used to help fund the boys' next film--which I've gotten little blips about....and it's going to be good.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Ah, the turkey day (or tofurkey for those of us who are members of the cool club) approaches and the only thing I have on my mind is cranberry sauce (can shaped of course) and horror flicks. There aren't that many Thanksgiving themed horror flicks, but the cool cats over at Kindertrauma have already listed some of the best dinner scenes known to man. This list may have a bit overlap but I'm bringing lots of different things to the table (ba doom ch!)
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
There's nothing better than having a singing Meatloaf with a saxophone and a motorbike come out of your freezer, and it's even better to have for dinner! One of the finest cannibalistic subtexts in film to date, Rocky's Birthday Feast makes you rethink what you're really having for dinner.
"Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?"
Oh Brenda, if you hadn't had sex with those tentacles, you might not have ever been begging to eat opossums, you might not have turned into a giant water balloon and you might not have been way bigger than your fat sister who has someone to love her, and you might not have exploded maggots...just saying.
I know you ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti...but what about brains?
I know I'm going to get some crap for choosing this scene over him killing the guards in Silence of the Lambs, but I find this scene a hell of a lot more off putting. The fact that homeboy is still ALIVE while he's getting his brains poked, prodded, and devoured seriously FREAKS ME OUT. I can't handle a few things. Leprosy, Lawn Gnomes, Being eaten alive, and eye trauma. Nuff said.
It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!
Soylent Green. Is. PEOPLE!!!
There's another tradition, always check your candy...
TRICK R TREAT
This film has so many eating deaths its insane. Death by poison candy, death by lollipop, death by werewolves eating you, death by vampire drinking blood, and its a stretch but using a head as a jack o lantern is food...sort of.
Oh Greta, You Bulimic Skank.
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD
Basically, Greata is quite the little bulimic and Chef Freddy decides what better way to kill her than to shove food down her throat until she dies? Sick. Twisted. Wonderful. Irony.
The least attractive of the 7 Deadly Sins
I've never wanted to throw up more than the first time I saw this scene. I couldn't handle it. Maybe it was the 3 day old chinese food, or maybe it was seeing someone who had eaten themselves to death, I don't know. It's just freaking disgusting.
Get her grandpa! Get her!
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
Probably one of the most memorable and horrific scenes in the film is the lovely family dinner shared by our Texas Chainsaw Masscre darlings. Check your food, that sure as shit ain't chicken.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
My first day in Pittsburgh fell upon me like a cloud of rain over Seattle. I gently brushed my brown tresses behind my ear and attempted to find a seat in the lunch room. A few other girls allowed me to sit with them when I saw him. He drug his feet across the floor with a slight grunt with every step. Every deep breath of his made my heart beat so fast it was as if the Gods could hear. He caught eyes with me. Beneath the sunken appearance, he had this breathtakingly bright eyes that seemed to look right through my skull and invested in my brain. I noticed his eyes were white. Stone white. He took a seat amongst a table of what I was told was his family. "I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn’t the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard."
I loved him. I could see it in his stone eyes that I loved him. For as slow as he moved, I just wanted to slowly move with him. It was in the parking lot that I knew he loved me too. I had been sitting in the lot when suddenly a van came out of nowhere. In a blink of an eye, Deadward came after the driver and began to pull him out of the vehicle. The van went haywire and completely missed me, the driver tumbled out of the car in a very weakened stage. Deadward reached out to me and I placed my hand around his wrist. That's when I felt it. No pulse. I gripped differently and yet as my heart raced, his seemed to be nonexistent. As he pulled me up, I placed my head on his chest. His body felt like ice, and I still couldn't find a heartbeat. He pulled my head up and asked me to go with him. I could feel him smelling me. He muttered to himself "BRAINS". I looked at him blankly and he just stared, but I could see the hunger in those stone eyes of him. I didn't understand, why didn't he try to eat me? How does he not smell of rot? About three things I was abosolutely positive. First, Deadward was a zombie. Second, part of him – and I didn’t know how dominant that part may be – that he hungered for my brains. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Of course my life couldn't possibly ever be something other than chaotic and complicated. Although he hadn't told me yet, I knew he was a zombie. Leave it to me to grab the attention of his sworn enemy. Ken Black. I bought a truck from his dad and Ken couldn't stop telling me about his membership in the NRA. There was something about his rugged physique that just drew me to him. As much as I knew I loved Deadward...Ken was so interesting. I brought up my suspicion of Deadward as a zombie and Ken continued to tell me something absolutely petrifying. Apparently the Cullen family and the Black family had gone under in some epic battle where Ken shot at one of them. Rather than explode into pieces...they bled. Glitter. I've never heard of a zombie bleeding glitter before, but apparently that's what they've evolved into. I couldn't believe it, Deadward and his family were zombies, walking amongst us, and I had fallen in love with him. Ken had told me that there are animals found every day decapitated and the townsfolk believe that these zombies are simply feasting on animal brain as to not kill other people. I had to confront him. I had to hear the truth...from him.It was hard to bring up such a topic that would either make him look horrified, or me look embarrassed when I'm wrong. It had to be spoken of though. His skin appeared decayed, he was cold to the touch, he didn't have a pulse, he would grunt when I touched him (I'm assuming it was the riggamortis), he moved slowly, and he admitted to wanting me for my brains. There was no other explanation...he was a zombie. He wouldn't hurt me. He couldn't hurt me. Deadward finally confessed it all to me. His family were eating animal brains as it helped with the pain of being dead, but they didn't have to kill any people and risk getting caught. He was rotting away but thanks to the makers of Febreeze, AXE, and MAC makeup, his family could live as normal as possible. The reason many zombies "die" of a headshot isn't because they die, but because they bleed out glitter. This glitter blood gives away the fact that they're zombies, so most of them just play dead after being shot and let themselves die from starvation.
It was then that they arrived. Deadward had warned me about these nomadic zombies that still found sick pleasure in eating the brains of humans. The fact that I read such intelligent books like Wuthering Heights made me a delicacy amongst these zombies. When news broke that they were coming into town, I knew they were after me. I knew, and yet I didn't do anything. A zombie named Big Daddy came after me. Deadward tried to protect me but he bit me. Deadward came to my aid with a syringe of an anti-virus and injected it right into my brain. It was then that I begged Deadward to make me a zombie, to let me be one of his kind, to let me stay with him forever. So he did. He bit me and now I'm to remain forever a zombie. Which finally gives explination as to why I stare off into space in every single frame.
Yes. I went to that site...the things I do for this blog.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Check it out HERE
If you can't keep it in the pants, at least keep it in the family! The dynamic duo of B-Sol and BJ-C have thrown together another "Top 10" list for Bloody-Disgusting with
The Top 10 Inbred Horror Movies of All Time
Like Hot Horror Women?
I am running for a pageant! Sort of :)
Check out my entry for the Ms. Horror Blogosphere competition over at The Vault of Horror