Friday, October 23, 2009

HALLOWEEN HIJINKS: The Evolution of Halloween to YOU

I'm not sure if any of you out there have discovered the gem that is, but it's basically just a website of collected random thoughts that are hilarious as hell. Today they put one on there that actually made me laugh so hard that I have to do an entire post centered around it.

The evolution of Halloween: Cute > Cool > Scary > Slutty > Candy Distributor.

Cute: Maybe I'm sick for thinking that Halloween should be scary at any age, but I've recently discovered that I stand alone on that whole ordeal. Apparently, before your child is in about the 2nd grade, it's almost guaranteed that no matter what you put your kid in...they're going to be cute. Even if you don't want your child to look like an Anne Geddes calender, they're STILL going to look cute. There's nothing more adorable than a 2 foot Jason Vorhees or a little Darth Vader making saber noises. My ma runs a daycare and Halloween is always the cutest day of the year with little bumble bees bopping around, the baby in the Jack o Lantern costume, and the one parent I high five who lets their 5 year old be Dracula. It's so cute, I can't even handle it.

Cool: What is up with the parents that treat Halloween like the friggen science fair? In all fairness, my parents and I always came up with some pretty crafty ideas, but some people just go crazy. One year, my parents got a ton of those manniquen heads that cosmotology students use for school and fuzed a picture of my face screaming on two of them. I dressed like a devilish cook and was serving my own severed heads for dinner. I remember there was always one girl in the class who's mom went totally Martha Stewart and would create the most incredible costumes. Of course there's the parents that make their kids gumballs with balloons, but sometimes...they get a little a head of themselves. You see these pics B-Sol???

Scary: This should really be a no brainer. It just isn't Halloween without the asshole teenagers dressing completely horrific and terrifying Trick-or-Treaters. When I was growing up, there was always this guy who would dress like Michael Myers and just walk the street. He didn't try to scare anyone, he didn't even speak, he just walked. It was the most horrifying experience of my life to have him cross my path. I'll never forget him standing in the street. He just stood there. Kids ran past him and he never once moved, almost scarred me for life.

Slutty: What is it about Halloween that just says "I'm going to go half naked in public in the middle of Fall and no one will try to pay for me to come home with them"? 90% of Halloween costumes today for the collegiate and young adult population are missing so much fabric you can't even tell what they were supposed to be in the first place. My friend was a "racecar driver" last year. Her costume consisted of yellow hot pants, and a yellow bra with a checkered border. As far as I'm concerned, she was a taxi cab in a nudist colony. However, I admit that I am guilty as last year I was "snakes on a plane" and my flight attendant costume was pretty titacular...and this year Ash is wearing short shorts and a black lace bra.

Candy Distrubutor: Sometime around middle age/marriage, gone are the days of actually getting to go all out for Halloween. I mean, drinking for the entire weekend in three different costumes everynight. So when you DO get the chance to go out. You better do it right, because've got candy duty.

3 comment(s):

Knarf Black XIV said...

Sometimes there is a laziness phase between slutty and candy distributor. "Lets be Left 4 Dead Characters so we can wear jackets!"

Chuck Conry said...

I'll be taking over the job of Candy Distributor this year but it's all good. I've gotten the stuff I like so I can munch off it in between handing it out ;)

Lily Strange said...

The closest I've ever come to slutty was wearing a push up bra (HATE!) with a somewhat low cut shirt and a somewhat short skirt for a "hooker" costume. The other bartender that I was working with was supposed to come dressed as a pimp but instead he showed up in Monty Python drag. I could have smacked him!

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