Friday, October 16, 2009

Dark Ride: Possiby the worst film ever made.

Oh. My. God. I am a huge fan of the After dark Horrorfest's 8 Films to Die For Series, but I recently took my chances on a $5 Wal-Mart investment in one of their films-Dark Ride. Lets just say, my lost forever 5 dollars could have been used to wipe my ass and have done more for society than that film did at entertaining. The festival claims that the films shown are "too graphic" for a normal audience but I call BULLSHIT when it comes to this film.

First, let's examine the cast. We've got the big star that hasn't gotten any good work since the Sopranos, the "bad boy" in the band in MTV's boy band parody 2GE+HER, Ashley Tisdale's not as cute and not as famous older sister, two people who's only credits are playing people on Law & Order, and oh yeah...the fat kid from The Sandlot. If the cast alone doesn't absolutely dazzle you, the premise of the film will.

A decade has nearly passed since psychopath Jonah brutally murdered two twin teenage girls. Now, after almost 10 years of being incarcerated in a mental institute, Jonah has somehow escaped and has returned to his turf - an amusement park attraction named "Dark Ride". Unknowingly, a group of six friends are on their way to a road trip and have just boarded the ride, unaware of the deadly plans Jonah has for them. Doesn't sound too bad, until you realize...this is fucking stupid. To be honest, I for some reason had high expectations for this film. It was shown at the same festival that showed Gravedancers and The Hamiltons which are both absolutely fabulous films...so I thought this could be good. I thought wrong. My optimism for a film was bitch slapped with a reality check like no other.

If you and your friends were going on a roadtrip and your weird fat friend wants to go on an abandoned "haunted" roller coaster ride and suggests SLEEPING THERE...you shove a twinkie in his mouth and keep driving. You don't stop to check it out. That's seriously stupid. No one does that, not even in movies.

Then we have the killer, who admittedly is sort of creepy because he wears a doll's face over his like a mask. Yet, the kills in this are absolutely ridiculous and poorly made. I enjoy a good slice in half like the next person, but at least make it look like I don't know...THAT THERE'S A BRAIN AND A SKULL IN THAT HEAD?! People don't have red applesauce behind their noggins, so try that again. This film tried excessively hard to make it gory without setting up any suspense behind it. I knew exactly how someone was going to die and who was going to die about 45 seconds before the kill even happened....THAT'S NOT OKAY. I will admit, that there is a decapitation while performing fellatio kill which is pretty hilarious, but this film wasn't trying to be a comedy....so I shouldn't be laughing this hard.
I feel what was so irritating about this film to me was that it had SO much potential, and failed to reach the bar on any of it. It could have been this awesome throwback to the 80's horror films...and it wasn't. It could have been a huge blood bath...and it wasn't. It could have had a very awesome twist ending....and it didn't. This film reeks of dissapointment and wasted talent.

Moral of the Story...there's usually a reason the $5.00 Walmart movies...are only five bones.
Go buy Snickers, and call it a day.

8 comment(s):

Planet of Terror said...

This movie was terrible. I fell asleep halfway through and its VERY hard for me to fall asleep during a film. Although the 4 glasses of Bogle Vineyards may have had something to do with it.....

David said...

I actually had the displeasure of catching this turd in the theatre. I was duped by the afterdark horrorfest. The films were advertised to be too extreme for a typical theatrical release. Lo and behold they were just extremely terrible.

Jess said...

I want to see it now just for the laughs. A couple years ago I rented some of those movies at Blockbuster that look scary on the cover, but are absolutely ridiculous. One was Mr. Jingles, it looked like it was filmed with a cell phone and I have never laughed harder in a "horror" film. The other movie was Fear of Clowns and it was a little better than Mr. Jingles, but still pretty stupid. This clown walks around with his neck ruffles, clown pants and face paint, but has the body of a Chippendale's dancer. You should check them both out if you haven't already!

Jordy Verrill + Eva Krupp said...

Agreed!! It's awful..but you're not the only one who now owns it and probably can't give it away!

B-Sol said...

This is why I avoid the After Dark Horrorfest like the plague.

kluzehellion said...

Alright this is my first reply on your bloggings. Love the blog. Appreesh.

Saw this movie a long while ago and as far as I can remember, definitely enjoyed it for what it was, it's not the b est one out there, but for a good time with couch, food, booze and a laugh on a friday night.

This movie also reminded me, good or bad, to "House Of Fears".

The Hamiltons fabulous? It rarely happens, but I had to shut down this one. Makes me want to give that movie a second chance, but i'm not sure about that, yet.

Keep it up!

todd said...

Isn't this the same basic storyline as "The Funhouse?"

Jay Amabile said...

lol I wasn't a fan of this film, i ripped it as well. From a New Jersey perspective it's awful. If you get a moment plz check it out! http://thesexyarmpit.blogspot.com/2008/10/new-jerseys-great-pop-culture-moments_13.html

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