Tuesday, September 15, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY

Thanks to a healthy combination of insomnia, diet coke, and the lack of nyquil; I've brought you womanizers your daily dose of sarcasm and horror BRIGHT AND EARLY! Today's poster was brought to my attention by fellow Illini horror blogger Rick Romanowski of The Lost Paradise of Horror. I have been looking for a shiteous poster all week, but apparently these weekly installments of ripping apart photoshop debauchery has become so popular...I show up when I google "terrible horror movie posters" or "bad horror movie posters". So thank him for bringing this to my attention.

Let us begin with the frenchin' TITLE. Okay, so calling a film S.I.C.K. isn't that bad, but the fact that its an anagram for something completely idiotic just ruins it. If you can't see it, S.I.C.K. stands for Serial. Insane. Clown. Killer. I know that I am a huge promoter for the force to be with someone, but this is just ridiculous. Apparently, Lame Instances Creating Kooky Movie Yuke-worthy Abbreviations Not Understandable Sentences wasn't available. If the title is awful, it just makes the poster instantly terrible. Oh yeah, and you have two actors billed over the title, and I've never heard of either.

Next up, what the hell is in the background. It's half blood forest and half stairs/chinese fan. I honestly think someone found the poster from Cabin Fever and just cropped everything out of it. Since when do clowns run down stairs/geisha fans and end up in blood forests? AND WHY IS THE MOON SO BIG?! Everyone uses huge moons! Moons are that big maybe once a couple of months and I REFUSE to believe that terrifying things happen every single time. That only works for werewolves, and this is about a serial killer clown...stay in your lane dude.

So remember when you were in middle school and your teachers would beg you to NOT write more than you need to? Well whoever came up with the tagline clearly FAILED that portion of English class. There are 5 lines on that tagline. FIVE. The only time 5 is allowed to be awesome is in the 12 Days of Christmas. If you ARE going to waste 25 seconds of my time by making me read 5 lines on a poster that doesn't deserve my time in the first place, it better be some Mark Twain shit. However, what am I blessed with you ask? That's right, a god damn interview on 60 minutes.
Are you afraid of the dark? I'm not, but I do have all 6 seasons on DVD, thanks for asking.
Are you scared of the unknown? No, that went out the door with the civil rights movement.
Are you afraid of clowns? Yes. I wrote about it two days ago. If you paid any attention, you'd know that.
This winter...
you will be.
I highly doubt that. If I were a betting woman and there was a line about this in Vegas, I'd go 10 to 1 that this winter I will be in Florida not giving a crap about the dark, the unknown, or clowns.

And we end it, with the clown. The clown that to be completely honest, doesn't creep me out. Maybe it's because his teeth were CLEARLY ripped off of The Dentist 2 poster, or the fact Chuckie Finster from the Rugrats lended out his hair to this poor shmuck. The skin on his eyebrow doesn't look like he sewed skin together, it looks like a ripped apart baseball. There is NOTHING scary about a baseball face, at all. I'm pretty sure homeboy used a sharpie to outline his mouth and the only time I'm afraid of sharpie lines are when hispanic women use them to draw on their eyebrows. I don't know if the emerald city green eyes are supposed to creep me out or not, but I can't be afraid of a guy who spent time to not only posess, but wear color contact lenses. Overall, this is a bad photoshop job, a bad makeup job, and looks like it was a terrible movie too.

8 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

You'd think they'd be able to get a lot more out of the whole "evil clown" thing. Oh well...

Mr. Johnny Sandman said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA
This was sheer brilliance!!!! I couldn't have torn apart that cover as well as you did!

rylestheryter said...

a) i appreciate the buckets of sarcasm we get to enjoy on Terrible Poster Tuesdays.

b) i also love the Devil's Rejects and Drop Dead Gorgeous semi-quotes. (i hope that's what you were going for otherwise i'm making no sense :D)

wcdixon said...

wicked post!

porkhead said...

Awesome post. I read about this movie in Fangoria a while back... and that damn title has been stuck in my head ever since.

BJ-C said...

@rylestheryter YES! SOMEONE CAUGHT THEM! New hero. That'd be you.

Jay Amabile said...

it does look terrible. Not sure if you covered it or not but the poster for Satan's Little Helper is awesome and beats this one easily.

Dave said...

I think the staircase/fan looking part is possibly supposed to be the clown's collar. Not that that makes the poster any less shitty, but it would at least explain the existence of such an odd item.

The title just reminds me of the Insane Clown Posse. Actually, the fact that ICP exists and actually has a fanbase is far more frightening to me than anything in this poster.

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