Tuesday, September 29, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: The TWATLIGHT Trinity of Terribleness


Is there a better way to celebrate my favorite day of the week any more than to boot up an old fashioned Twatlight bashing? I honestly don't think so. Not only do the people behind the Twatlight New Moon posters think its necessary to airbrush the living hell out of their people, but they've not given me just one poster to rip apart...BUT THREE! It's like Christmas! No, it's better than Christmas. This is like how when a Jewish man marries a Christian woman and their kid gets to have 8 days of Hannakuah AND Christmas....make her an African-American Christian and give the kid Kwanzaa too.

Lets start with the "werewolves" poster. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that a bunch of beefy, tan, seriously pouty faced guys just screams gay porn to you? The fact it has New MOON as the title is just waiting for a what-what in the butt joke. However, that's crappy road jokes and I'm a little bit more high class than that ;). So as most of you know, hunksicle Jacob (hey, the movies can suck and I can still find him foxy) is the same dude who was Sharkboy. Yes...as in The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl in 3-D. You know, that movie Rob Rodriguez did with an electric George Lopez. If Rob Rod'z kid Racer really came up with this shit...we may have a problem. I digress, if anyone out there has seen this movie, please feel for me when I say I can't ever look at him without thinking of that DAMN SONG HE SANG. PS; I'm not digging the "I'm making eye contact through my eyebrows" look...its not cute.

Then to Lolita-goth Dakota Fanning. I'm pretty sure some kid on Vampirefreaks.com is lusting over your outfits and your rad makeup right about now. What I want to know, is why the hell you are STILL trying to be like Harry Potter and give off a Death Eater vibe? Plus, no one uses vaseline as a lotion...quit putting it on your forehead. Or lay of the botox, your skin's too tight.

Oh and then there's the Cullen clan and Bella Swan. First of all...nice kung fu grip Eddy. Did you think she was going to run away from you or are you finally going to man up and bite your god damn prey? No, you're not? That's a shame. I will congratulate you that all this plugging from teenagers has made your head grow to at least twice the size it should normally be...literally. These Cullen kids need to seriously lay off the ganj before their photoshoots. Their eyes look bloodshot as all get out. PS; creeper creeper to the back right...Derek Zoolander called, he wants his face back.

6 comment(s):

Lily Strange said...

I would far rather watch actual gay porn than this. It would have hotter guys and a better plot. Next time I feel bad about being broke I'll just revel in the fact that my book will never be in Wal Mart next to Twatlight. Somehow that will make the gnawing hunger easier to bear.

B-Sol said...

I just can't get over that super weird guy on the far right in the middle poster. What the heck is his deal?? So weird.

CSY said...

I have to admit, which I've done here before, I've read the books (only cuz I was bored and they were free), so has my daughter and NOW I get to take her to see ALL the movies when they come out...daughter likes 'Dr. Cullen' so there may be hope for her...

CSY said...

Note: that last comment was DRIPPING with scarcasm

EBrock said...

MY EYES... MY EYES!!!

RayRay said...

I call this look "Le Tigre." I wonder, does Edward have trouble turning left?

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