Tuesday, September 1, 2009

H2: So Close & Yet So Very VERY Far.

Not only do I regret to inform you all that Final Destination 4 completely knocked the block off of H2 at the box office, but the film was also exactly what I expected it was going to be. I had 100% full intention of doing a Vlog, but after 13 attempts with Photobooth, I'm just going to write what you would much rather watch me animatedly announce. However, this does give me the chance to blog & eat pretzels at the same time. I guess its a win-win for me. Anyways...
MILD SPOILER ALERT!!!!


LETS START WITH THINGS I LIKE!

  • Dear Sheriff Brackett, ADOPT ME. Not only are you a super caring father, but you're willing to bring home delicious pizza, kill the boogeyman, and be the best character this movie had.
  • HOLY AWESOME OPENING SCENE BATMAN. The hospital scene was brilliant. Absolutely bloody brilliant. I honestly think this scene alone saved the whole movie from destruction. It was fabulous. The operating, the killing, the running with the gimp leg, AMAAAAZING.
  • I'm a bit of a gorehound, so you know what...death by antlers on a car is pretty bad ass in my book. Same with the American History X looking face stomp
  • I'm glad Zombie didn't try to be something he's not. He made an exploitation film, it tributed to the 70's, and it was exactly what I expected him to do. I'm glad he didn't try to make it all Carpenter/Hill-like. Kudos.
  • It's beautifully shot. The camera angles are wonderful and it is very good quality film making
  • I am obsessed with that trick or treater in the clown costume. I'm adopting him.
  • I like that Laurie is losing her marbles. I think they overplayed it, but the original Laurie wasn't destroyed enough for me. It always bothered me how she was over the situation so well. I'd be completely JACKED. Note: this doesn't mean I liked the character, hold your horses.
  • Oh yeah, and that Rocky Horror Picture Show thing....LOVE IT.

THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT

  • Rob Zombie, you're not a fashion icon...get rid of the dreadlocks out of all of your female characters. They all look homeless and stuff.
  • I highly doubt Sheriff Brackett would allow "Clean your side bitch" spray painted on his walls in the bathroom
  • As much as I understand why Laurie is outed in a book, that stuff is illegal, and if the character of Loomis is going to remain the character of Loomis that he made...he would be up on that.
  • STOP REFERRING TO DR. FRANKENFURTER AS BEING A CHICK DRESSED LIKE A GUY WANTING TO BE A CHICK
  • The repetition of "fuck" about 81922349234 times in that opening crash...not necessary.
  • How long was the music video in the hospital scene? I mean she went out of her room, visited Annie, got caught by the nurse, stumbled back to her room, watched Michael kill a nurse, stumbled down 8 flights of stairs, went outside, hid under a desk, ran outside, met Buddy, screamed for Buddy, was attacked, and it's STILL PLAYING!?
  • Weird Al? Come on Zombie, you can get a better cameo than that.
  • The best scene of the film was a total cocktease. A dream? Really? What is this, Dallas?!
  • I don't like Daeg's replacement. I understand why they had to recast him, but this kid just looked like he needed some sleep and a hairbrush.
THINGS I WANTED TO TANYA HARDING IN THE SHIN

  • DR. FREAKING LOOMIS. What happened to you? I know he wanted to change the character, but he served absolutely NO purpose to the film. Loomis would NEVER believe Michael Myers is dead, Loomis would NEVER try to profit off of the tragedy, and Loomis would NEVER buy a jacket other than that Member's Only version of Sherlock Holmes. Get the hell out of here. I hated the character, I almost threw up every time he opened his damn mouth.
  • Why is Michael Myers making noise? WHY!? That is NOT Michael Myers. There are little itty bitty things that you shouldn't think of touching, that's one of them.
  • Since when is this Friday the 13th?
  • Laurie Strode is a whiny brat. I wanted her to die.
  • There wasn't nearly enough Annie Brackett.
  • Did Michael Myers rape Annie? She was naked when they found her body and his mom told him to "Have Some Fun" before he killed her. So confused and disturbed.
  • Why does every setting look like the leftover props from Devils Rejects/House of 1000 Corpses?
  • Why does every character look homeless?
  • Why are the hallucinations very Snow White/Alice in Wonderland inspired?
  • WHY IS SHERI MOON ZOMBIE EVEN EXISITING IN THIS DAMN FILM. She ruined it for me. Every single time she came on screen I lost focus and laughed. She killed it, she really did, and this is coming from someone who LOVES her work.
In conclusion, it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either.

11 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

I hated this movie so much it made me angry. The homeless-looking characters, the batshit-crazy nonsense added in for no reason, the Loomis character assassination. God, so very bad. What a shame! Rob Zombie is out of control, and now, next up--Blob-Zombie. Shoot me!

B-Sol said...

OH and YES--what the hell was up with NOT mentioning Dr. Frank N. Furter by name??

Phantom of Pulp said...

I agree with everything you said -- in the second section.

I couldn't find one thing to like.

Oh, I liked the crime scene photos over the end credits.

They're the only reason I didn't walk out before credit roll.

Good on you for finding some gold in the toilet bowl.

Planet of Terror said...

Just what is wrong, exactly, with a cameo from Weird Al? Huh, huh? I celebrate his entire catalogue.

allthingshorror said...

I think my wife and I are the only two people that really liked this movie, flaws and all. I thought it was a pretty good character study of the four people (The Bracketts, Loomis, Laurie) and how they dealt with the aftermath of Myers return. I can understand why people are PO'd about Zombie's take on Loomis, but it made a perverse sense-out of them all he had the best chance to "cash in" on events and given today's celeberity driven culture, and the fact that he nearly died twice in the film, it made a certain twisted logic for him to turn ot the way he did. That said, he didn't really serve any purpose in this movie at all.

While I like Zombie's overall aesthetic, it'd be great if someone pulled him aside and told him that most small towns aren't mostly populated with strippers and rednecks.

If anyone wants to check out/comment on my own review for this film, that'd be out...standing.

Also, don't disrespect weird al. The man wrote "Nature Trail To Hell 9in 3D)"
www.allthingshorror.wordpress.com

NoWhere MaN said...

I thought this movie overall was awesome!! Yes, Sheri Moon Zombie is a train wreck. Yes, young Myers sucks! Loomis is so annoying that you couldn't wait til he died and you're happy at the end. Overall as a slasher flick, it has everything I want in a slasher flick, Michael Myers and Michael Myers killing people. A slasher flick should feature incredible gory death scenes and this movie mailed it. There's probably more death scenes in this movie then the first 4 combined. If you're looking for more then that, then you will be dissapointed but don't look too much into slasher movies, just watch the amazing amounts of gore and violence.

And let's be real it's 1,000,000x better then parts 6 and 8.

BJ-C said...

Weird Al...not meant for this film.

@NoWhere MaN-Michael Myers as an animated series would be better than part 6 or 8

kindertrauma said...

I enjoyed this trashy flick myself but I am so glad you mentioned the one thing that I could not swallow, that Loomis would expose the information about Laurie and Michael being siblings in a book and that she would get zero warning of its publication. Worse still, there is a GIANT Hollywood headshot of her posing and smiling in the book??? It's like hey crazy people, if you too want to terrorize this girl too, here's what she looks like! Ultimately It wasn't enough to ruin the movie for me though, there was just so much crazy stuff going on that I had left the laws of the real world far behind at that point. Thanks for a great post-Unk

oducerproducer said...

Yeah the Frank N Furter thing pissed me off, this is coming from someone who dresses up as Frank quite often. The graffiti on the walls wouldn't exist, and why did Brackett have long hair, i mean i have long hair, but he's a Sheriff.

Phantom_of_the_opera_123 said...

I really enjoyed this movie, I'll agree that Loomis was annoying and Im still confused about the 'Did Michael rape Annie' Thing becaue I WANNA FUCKING KNOW ! ! But...other than that...(and the Rocky Horror Picture thing) It was a pretty good movie Cant wait till 2011 when H3 comes out ! WOOT !

kat said...

I thought the movie was okay. To me, the best moment was when Sheriff Brackett discovered Annie's body. That was such good acting, I actually started to cry

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