Sunday, September 6, 2009

THE 13 MOST BAD ASS ZOMBIE KILLERS

In case you are one of the few who haven't been bitten by the Zombieland publicity awesomeness that is http://www.zombify-yourself.net they have given us the opportunity to turn our boring ole mortal selves to extremely terrifying brain thirsty zombies! As i stared at my rotting decrepit picture, I was wondering how much it would suck to be killed off. I mean Zombies are only acting in their nature and they're being decapitated without even understanding what they've even done wrong. However, everyone has that moment of clarity where they realize that if you see a zombie, you gotta kill it. Some of us may use a simple bullet through the head, but some people are a little more creative. So if I had to be killed by someone, I'd hope it'd be someone a little B.A. So I've compiled a list (with the help of B-Sol of The Vault of Horror) of the 13 Most Bad Ass Zombie Killers.

13) JIMMY from DANCE OF THE DEAD
Some prom dates bring you a disgusting dying flower on a bracelet to show their affection, I however would much have Jimmy. Corsage? Yes. Weapons to kill the zombies trying to eat me? Even better. Jimmy is bad ass because not only can he crack some skulls with that baseball bat of his, but he's willing to slow dance to "Shadows of the Night" amidst a sea of brain-munching zombies.

12) KENNETH FROM DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)
If people didn't think Ving Rhames was Bad Ass enough after Pulp Fiction...this one will do it.
Kenneth is a loose canon cop on the edge! If anyone catches that reference, lets get married. I'm assuming his name is a tribute to Ken Foree which is Bad Ass enough as is.


11) CHOLO FROM LAND OF THE DEAD
John Leguizamo is one of my favorite actors of all time, and not just because he was Luigi in the Super Mario Bros. Movie. Decked out in that foxy leather jacket, Cholo is bad ass simply because he uses some of the coolest weaponry in zombie smashing history, and he's a renegade zombie killer! He doesn't need no organized squad, he just does his thing. Only downfall, he gets bitten :(

10. DR. DAVID MENARD FROM ZOMBI 2
Dr. Menard...paging Dr. Menard. We have a serious outbreak of Zombie flesh eaters and we need your help! Some people just think they can go around smashing the skulls of the undead and the outbreak will eventually just end itself. Nope, not with this guy. Dr. Menard is bad ass because he is actually trying to cure this epidemic that's bringing us back to life as crazy zombies! Kudos man, kudos.

09) FRANSISCO DELLAMORTE FROM CEMETERY MAN
Oh boy, the one person who gets to bone Anna Falchi...and he plays for the other team. Regardless, Fransisco Dellamorte is the protector of the cemetery and when he's not boning one of the hottest women to walk the earth or having dinner with his mentally challenged side-kick, he's killing off zombies like its his job. Well, it actually is his job...but that's beside the point! He's BA simply because he crams an axe right through the head of a zombie. AWESOME.

08) CINDY BOTTOMS FROM FIDO
So on screen she only kills one, but in class she happily raises her hand when asked if she's ever had to kill a zombie. BUT SHE'S 9 YEARS OLD. It's only one kill, but it's one hell of a kill. First you see her with a gun completely dismembering a zombie target without even flinching, and then when two adults are being attacked and missing horribly, she nails a zombie right in the forehead, in a Girl Scout uniform. I don't care who you are, that is BAD ASS.

07) SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD
He gave us the most iconic instrument of zombie killing since the boomstick. Shaun was truly a revamp of B.A. zombie killers when he hit the scene and the genre has been exploding ever since. Using his basic knowledge of "don't get creative, just remove the head or destroy the brain", Shaun goes on a zombie rampage and uses any object he can to kill the buggers, even a jukebox.


06) BEN FROM NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
You gotta give some props to the man who honestly started it all. Ben is the MAN. He was the first to seriously kick some zombie ass. Not only did he stratigize, but this man took down more zombies than Joe Francis takes down women on a Girls Gone Wild bus. Depressing that the Cooper family totally screwed themselves by axing him off, but we all know who the B.A. of NOTLD is.

05) UNCLE LES FROM BRAINDEAD/DEAD ALIVE
You know, I could have went the easy route and given this spot to Lionel, but if I had a lawnmower, I'd run some zombie's down too. Sorry babe, but you did the obvious. :D Uncle Les on the other hand, is a chubby dude with some MAD chops who kills zombies. I'm sorry but I'll take that (even if killed off WAYY too early) over the Ash knock off ANYDAY.

04) ALICE FROM THE RESIDENT EVIL SERIES
Go ask Alice, when she's 10 feet tall. And if you go...chasing rabbits...or rabid dog licker zombie type things, that's cool too. If it wasn't because she gets extra help by being a genetically modified super zombie killer, I'd make her number 1 but just because you use steroids doesn't mean you get to keep the gold. Probably the most skillful and sexy on the list, Alice is Bad Ass because she's damn near invincible.

03) KEN FOREE BABY!
He's the Shaft of Zombie films. Let's just be honest here.
I
Love
Ken
With
All
I
Got

02) WOODY HARRELSON IN ZOMBIELAND
So the movie didn't even come out yet, but like I say MY BLOG-MY RULES. I already know he's going to be a bonifide B.A. just based off of the 3 minute trailer that has been sweeping the interwebs. He shoots em, banjo's em, car door slams em, has one liners that will make your head spin, and wipes his tears with Benjamins. He's amazing, and as much as I hate to say it, after this film he may very well knock off our number one...


01) ASHLEY J. WILLIAMS OF THE EVIL DEAD SERIES
Unless you've never stepped cursor on this blog, you all should have seen this coming from a mile away. Ash is the epitome of a Bad Ass zombie killer. I mean he attaches a friggen chainsaw to his own body! Come on now! We all knew this was coming from a mile away, there are no words to completely describe how awesomely B.A. Ash is.

Boomstick: $199.99, Shells: 39.99, Zombies heads blowing off: priceless.

10 comment(s):

The Curious Cat said...

Ha ha! I love zombies - i've written a few articles about them on my blog actually - see zombie's in the subjects list. They fascinate me! Thanks for writing this article - it rocks and now I will have to investigate some of these zombie flicks in more detail! xxx PS Can't wait to zombiefy myself!!!

B-Sol said...

Thanks for the shout out, truly a pleasure to help in the compilation of such a supremely badass list. I think Woody deserves number 2 billing based on those amazing Zombieland trailers alone!! Hopefully the movie lives up to them!

Hey! Look Behind You! said...

Great list. I would give an honorable mention to Barbara in the first Night of the Living Dead remake, Sara in Dead and Breakfast and of course Cherry Darling in Planet Terror.

RayRay said...

Well done, my girl. And 13 is a good number for lists such as these. Full of portents and such.

the jaded viewer said...

I rewatched Dawn again and Ken Foree kicks ass. He just knows how to kill em, all solid head shots.

B-Sol said...

Ooh...Cherry Darling is a good one!

Becky said...

I'm totally with Hey!Look Behind You! up there. Sarah from Dead and Breakfast is my personal shero. Girl builds a gun with nothing but nails, bullets and some pipes. 'Nough said. I also love your John Leguizamo recognition. If you love him as I do you need to check out his one man shows like Sexaholix and Spic!. They're hilarious and surprisingly touching at times

NoWhere MaN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
oh-the-horror-com said...

No love for Clu Gulager in Return of the Living Dead? :)

Xane and Dane Dravor said...

This list is dead on...lol. Ok, bad puns should be allowed. All that aside, this list rocks and I agree with everyone of the BA's on it. (Can't wait to see the new Zombieland movie,btw) Of course Ash is number 1, does anyone even argue that?

(written while wearing my boomstick shirt!)

Xane

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