Friday, August 14, 2009

TOP 10 MOST AWESOME GLASSES IN HORROR

So I have to get glasses (thank god, my vision is horrific) and I was looking for about 10 years to find that damn image from The Rage: Carrie 2 to put for my announcement of getting them. Which makes me think. A lot of people are really really uneasy with eye trauma, but we don't see nearly enough use of glasses by characters. I've compiled a list with the help of mentor/IDK my BFF B-Sol from The Vault of Horror. It wasn't an easy task, but by George, I think we've got it! So here is the Top 10 Most Awesome Glasses in Horror.

10) RAINN WILSON'S SPECS IN HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES
So before my fangirl crush on Rainn Wilson developed from his "I'll sit at Starbucks with a book I don't plan on reading, just so you'll take notice of my geek t-shirt and blazer by looking at the book I'm not really reading..." he was in Rob Zombie's debut film. He had some nice specs going on and it seemed the firefly family liked them glasses so much, they left them on his face when he became fish boy. Nice job.

09) ICHABOD CRANE'S TELESPECS IN SLEEPY HOLLOW
You know, back in my day we just used shitty 100 dollar telescopes from the science lab to examine stuff, but leave it to Tim Burton to have some crazy eye death trap. I don't know how the hell he examined anything with those on, I'd be more scared than little Ralphie's mom when she finds out her son is getting the Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time when it comes to eyes. But hey, you do what you gotta do.

08) BRAD MAJORS' ASSHOLE-VISION IN THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
He can show me how a butterfly masturbates, kick a tire better than anyone I know, and beg for mommy in a way that makes 5 year olds after nap time envious. Those glasses are just absolutely essential to his shmucktasticness. Those glasses him make the Clark Kent of horror. Asshole by day, SUPER ASSHOLE by night. If you kids know your Rocky Horror the way I do, those glasses actually attribute to many a call out during the show.

07) SNIPES WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT IN BLADE
Don't mess around with the guy in shades...oh no. Cause if you do, you'll get your ass beat. And by ass beat, I mean become a psuedo Batman character but instead of killing criminals to avenge the death of his parents, he's killing vampires to avenge the death of his mother. Regardless of who, what, where, why he's killing...you know damn well he's doing it with not only some brute force, but in style.

06) MAKE YOU SEE DEAD PEOPLE IN 13 GHOSTS
Normally glasses are supposed to protect you from things going into your eyes, but William Castle decides to just screw with you and go HA! Put these on baby, and WHAM! Ghosts...everywhere. It would be nice if putting on these glasses meant that you couldn't see the remake, but life isn't peachy keen like that. I would like to know who thought making the glasses look like that was a good idea? It's like one step below A Clockwork Orange.

05) IF I CAN'T SEE YOU, YOU CAN'T SEE ME MR. THE INVISIBLE MAN
Ironic that a man no one can see has to wear glasses. Here's a dude wrapped up in toilet paper, with some nice shades on. The jig is up dude. What's even better, is that they're totally chick shades! They're styled round, and not in the cool edgy Lennon/Warhol/Elton John way. More like a hip-hop Jackie O. Basically, J-Lo stole her style from Jack Griffin. Hmm...J-Griff...nah, doesn't really work that way.

04) FRIGGEN GEORGE A. ROMERO.
Okay, so I cheated. He's not a movie. However, he is a horror icon and it is impossible to think of the King of Zombies himself without thinking of these monsters. You know how obnoxious teenage girls driving to the mall with the top of their cars down while texting all wear those huge glasses? Yeah, stole that idea from this guy. He was so ahead of his time. Should have patented those fuckers. He'd make 4 times the amount of money Diary of the Dead did.

03) BIG BROTHER + INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS + 13 GHOSTS = THEY LIVE
This film is almost 90% centered around those friggen blind piano man glasses. The other 10% is that whole you know "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum" awesomeness. Who knew that sunglasses could help show you that aliens have taken over the world? Ray-Ban needs to get on that shit. ASAP.

02) A SHEET AND GLASSES? YEAH I'LL BONE YOU...HALLOWEEN
Probably one of the most iconic scenes from what the Cyber Horror Elite has listed as the Top Horror Film of All Time, includes a four eyed ghost! The Shape in the sheet is one of the most memorable scenes in the film, so much so that Zombie included it in his revamp of the classic and there's even the offical shape-in-the-sheet action figures.

01) REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME 3-D GLASSES
You know what G-Force, UP, Sharkboy and Lavagirl, STEP OFF. 3-D films may be nowadays a thing for the kiddies to get their kicks with, but know your roots mang. Horror films are what made 3-D the phenomenon that it is today. It just seems that more recently we've finally been going back to our roots and re-vamping the horror 3-D scene. We may have lost the flimsy cardboard and the blue/red lenses, but we know who started it all. Horror. Bow down, bitch.

7 comment(s):

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Hells yah for George Romero!

The one scene that really sticks to me this day is the one in Halloween with the Michael under the sheet wearing the glasses. If I saw that coming at me, I would piss my pants.

Another Blogger said...

You have a unique blog, great!

drumdiva said...

Thanks for the post - it made me laugh out loud! I especially liked the thing about asshole-vision, because I myself have it as well. Whenever I go down to the mall or drive in rush hour traffic, I can see thousands of them.

And thanks for the pic of Diablo Cody - yum yum!

Ms Harker said...

A pair of good glasses can bring horror, class and arse. I want some of the ghost vision one's! I look forward to you joining the Hot Horror Chicks in Specs club ;)

www.musingcontinuum.com

Carl (ILHM) said...

Glad to see They Live on their, a great list with great picks BJ!

oducerproducer said...

Adjust your glasses, adjust your chin!

the jaded viewer said...

Glad Nada is on the list. Because it just wasn't the bubble gum that made him kick ass.

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