Monday, August 31, 2009

Its beginning to look alot like TWATLIGHT.

Hello Womanizers, I have not forgotten about my promised vlogs; however I have been neglecting you all so I'm going to do one of those "not as cool text with google images" kind of posty things. As most of you know, I'm back at the glorious campus of Western Illinois University. While getting to class on time, discovering how much liquid courage my body can handle, and making new friends...i've also been bombarded with Twi-Hard lunatics.

When going to Walmart the other day, I put up my 5 DVD's on the conveyer belt. I had a two-disc special of Silence of the Lambs & Hannibal, a two-disc set of April Fool's Day and My Bloody Valentine, The Pagemaster, and Last House on the Left. The cashier was proudly displaying her "Team Jacob" pin on her vest and I shook my head in disgust as I gave her my debit card. She looked at me, looked at my DVD purchases and then started up a conversation with me.

Cashier: So how excited are you for New Moon?
Me: About as excited as I'd be to put mouthwash in my eyes.
Cashier: Why? You don't like it?
Me: I hate it, and I spend my spare time ripping it to shreds on the interweb.
Cashier: Oh, I assumed you'd love it too.
Me: Now what the hell would make you think that?
Cashier: Well, you're a teenage girl and you just bought a bunch of horror movies.

SERIOUSLY? I hate my life. I really really really really really hate my life.

It doesn't end there however, the world is NOT enough. Walmart also has a fucking Twatlight section in the store. That's right, I try to escape seriously confused cashier woman and I'm thrown into Twatlight T-shits, and Kristen Stewart's stupid blank expression staring at me from all directions. However, I thought this would be creepy enough, but it isn't. Twatlight is seriously getting creepier and creepier and creepier by the second. My good friends from The Vault of Horror, BuyZombie, Womanizer Edward (thankfully not THAT Edward) and Musings Across a Continuum have brought to light some of the weirdest and most awkward of Twatlight geekery on the planet.Now every pre-teen can finally have an angsty teenage girl and a pasty boy to play house with.
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, and when you masturbate HEY!Oh, my slumber will be so much easier now that you're here silhouette of Edward. You'll sparkle away the monster under my bed, and be intrigued while I sleep. How did I ever fall asleep without you watching me?

Oh, and there's a Twilight Sex Toy coming out...great. That's almost as bad as when the Nimbus 2000 came out and it was nothing more than a ridgid vibrating broom.

14 comment(s):

CSY said...

I don't get it either. I have a 12 yr old daughter that apparently DOES get it...whatever! But unfortunatley, guess where I'm going to be Nov. 22? Yep - takin' my kid to see Twatlight. What sux even more? I've been told I can't say 'Twatlight', if I can't call it what its supposed to be called, I can't say it at, I'm doin' it here...TWATLIGHT, TWATLIGHT, TWATLIGHT...Sorry, didn't mean to take over your comments section...

CSY said...

The whole Twilight phenom...I don't get the whole Twilight phenom, but my daughter does...there! That clears it right up, yes?

Lily Strange said...

That shower curtain freaks me out way more than Norman Bates ever could.
I got my shipment of books so one should be headed your way sometime in the next couple of weeks. Right now I'm in the throes of getting my son ready for his jaunt to Quebec. I'm sure everything will be all right, and yet I'm thinking Valium. Don't ever have kids--you'll spend the rest of your life worrying.
He is learning how to be more independent than I was ever allowed to be. Which means I'm a good mom, I guess. But between this and the Twatlight obsessers...where the hell is the valium. And maybe the cheap booze. The world is going to hell.

Lily Strange said...

@CSY what I don't get is the women in our general age group (30's/40's) that are Twatlight obsessed. Gaaah! I'm about to start thinking meth, at this rate!

Pax Romano said...

Young lady, please - LANGUAGE!

Thats said, Twilight = pap.

I'd love some of those Bon Temp vamps to decend upon the Twilight wimpy vamps and kick some arse!

Ryne said...

Oh, nosy cashiers...

That said, she must have been very confused to assume that Last House on the Left, April Fool's Day, and My Bloody Valentine equal Twilight . That does not compute.

OBXfreak68 said...

Twilight is sooo not a horror movie. When will people get that? Vampires have fangs, people. And they sure the hell don't sparkle.
I tire of the craziness that is Twilight - even though I don't care one way or the other. What other people do doesn't affect me. If they want to have Edward on their shower curtain that's cool with me - but holy hell, I would RUN if I saw that in someone's bathroom. Just sayin'...

oducerproducer said...

UHHH, at my work(a party goods/craft store), we're getting in Twatlight birthday decorations, i'm probably gonna have to ticket some of it. Not to mention my daily conversations in the break room over why LTROI is superior and how any vampire could take Edward(including Eddy Munster). So i'm surrounded by it daily. Also another member of our twatlight myspace group, and one of my best friends, has been poisoned into liking the books by his girlfriend, he claims they're great. A girlfriend once tried to get me to read the first, i couldn't get into the suckitude that was in front of me. Atleast he still hates the film.

Also nice RHPS call back! Seeing it yet again this Friday night!

B-Sol said...

That Edward Cullen sillhoette makes me sad that anyone would ever be in such a dark place that owning that would bring them comfort.

rxchy said...

If someone said to me that they'd assume I'd like Twilight because I'm a teenage girl and just bought a bunch of horror films, I'd probably punch them in the face.

Anonymous said...

I have no wish to begrudge Stephenie Meyer's success (I doubt any of us would turn down the opportunity to become a multi-millionaire by producing such drivel), but this Twatlight-mania has become one of those scary cults--and not even a cool one--where fans lose all their common sense.

I suspect we "haters" would have a bit more patience & tolerance if the Twatlighters (and their products) weren't infecting every aspect of entertainment. Hopefully something new is on the horizon & will soon wash the tastelessness from our lives.

Rjkratky83 said...

hey. its me. you wrote me that huge response today? remember? i was messing with you and i apologize. i love horror movies, and until i saw that you also hate twilight and are referring to it as "twatlight" (as I have for about six months now) i really wanted to mess with you. a lot. but i have to say that im sorry. u seem like a cool chick, and even though im a jew, and dont understand the whole jesus thing, i gotta say, god dammit, i respect you. we twatlighters have to stick together, or else these kids might take over the whole fucking world.
christ be with you.

BJ-C said...

yes i remember you, the only reason i replied so harshly is because a haunted house was moved to my hometown and the religious zealots went haywire and said things like that to me...but they were being dead serious. i guess i was still in snap mood. i'm not that religious at all. haha i didn't lie about my affiliations, i just didn't specify when i stopped attending ;) send me an email at or add me on facebook.


Spike Ghost said...

*shivers from disgust*

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