Monday, August 24, 2009

HALLOWEEN II OR THE FINAL DESTINATION: How will you spend your Friday night?

Drum roll please *clears throat* HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUYS! I'm back from my week hiatus! I have returned thinner, tanner, sassier, and more driven than ever to bring you the absolute finest in horror blogging!

Does anyone out there know what this Friday is? Sadly it isn't the 13th, but it is going to be a Battle Royale of potentially awful horror sequels! It's going to be a Scary Movie SMACKDOWN, and I can't frenchin' WAIT. I'll be honest, some people believe that horror films should only be released around Halloween...but I disagree. There is no better way to say Welcome Back to School than to scare the bejesus out of people. This Friday could potentially be an absolutely amazing day for the world of horror, or a giant bomb of terrible. I have my fingers crossed for the first option, but I could be horribly horribly wrong.

However, when I'm not being super mcawesome, I'm a part-time phone psychic. Not really, but I'm going to predict how the films are going to be and help guide you to choose which film to see this weekend.

Let's start out with the cast:

H2: Love him or hate him, Rob Zombie can cast one hell of a movie. All of his films have great acting and some of the most underrated acting professionals the cinema has ever known. Don't believe me? Well this film has got "shagged and fagged and fashed" Alex from A Clockwork Orange as Dr. Loomis, the guy who is the voice of the demented gingerdoll known as Chucky as Sheriff Brackett, and Lois freakin' Lane-Margot Kidder as Barbara Collier.

FD: The star of this film was in the 3rd installement of Legally Blonde. You know, the one without Reese...Quinn from college girl fantasy show One Tree Hill. Oh, and a guy who did Beverly Hills Chiuahaha. However is the casting director of this film needs to be shot. The resume's on these films combined probably don't even scratch the surface of the resume that Malcom McDowell's got on him. The closest thing to acting scared these kids have ever had to do in a movie was probably when their hairdresser ran out of pomade....

Winner: H2

Which film is gonna have better kills?

H2: Michael Myers has been around for YEARS and completely redefined the genre. HOWEVER, when it really comes down to it, he's a simple man. It doesn't take too much for him. He's incredibly strong, a bit invincible, and somehow can slow walk against some screaming Marion Jones wannabes and get there at the same time. HOWEVER, how often has he been creative about killing? Other than that whole dressing like a ghost nonsense, he's honestly stuck to stabbing of some sort. He doesn't mess around with imagination, just a point and stab kind of guy.

FD: If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I'm well aware of how horribly written the FD films are, but I will NEVER take away the ability for the film to have stellar kills. People get crushed by glass, decapitated by metal debris on train tracks, cooked in tanning beds, annihilated by buses, slice and diced by fences, impaled by pvc pipes and airbags, elevator smashings, staple gunned to death, barbequed, and have the best opening massacres I've ever seen. I don't watch this films for high quality storytelling, I watch them to watch teenagers get ripped apart.

Winner: FD

Which film is going to be sexier?

H2: The absolutely MINDBLOWING Danielle Harris is all grown-up as Annie Brackett, and if this sequel is anything like the'll get some tit shots. Sherri Moon Zombie (although white wigged) is drop dead sexy regardless of what she wears, and Scout Taylor-Compton is one foxy lady. You can't have a real horror film without having a real hot mama on the screen. The big difference that I see, is that in this case...these hot mama's can actually act.

FD: One Tree Hill's Shantel VanSanten and
Baywatch babe Krista Allen.
Who cares if they can act?
They're hot
&& in about 45 minutes they'll be blown to bits.

Winner: TIED

So you know what, after this long and grueling three category battle, we have a tie. However, being the brains behind DotW, I get to be the tie breaker. When it comes to two horror films battling it out for my hard earned $8.75, I want some quality damn it. Maybe in a week or so I'll be in the mood for some teen girl slaughtering by bed frames or something, but this week...I WANT MICHAEL MYERS. Is there even really a question? It's mother frenchin' Michael Myers. The Shape himself! I don't care if its not Carpenter/Hill's original killer, its still Michael Myers. I want my slasher. Sorry invisible wind that symbolizes death, maybe next time.


7 comment(s):

NoWhere MaN said...

$8.75?!? Where you going that movies are $8.75? I just paid $10.50 the other night. :(

Good points there. I love the death scenes in all the final destinations. But Myers will win over any horror movie out there. Cause let's face Myers is the greatest serial killer ever to be created for a movie.

Anonymous said...

Final Destination, hands down. Love Michael Myers but Zombie really let me down with the remake, er, excuse me, 're-imagining'. I don't want to hear more psycho babble about Michael and his more 'human' side.

the jaded viewer said...

You really have to take the 3D into consideration b/w the two. For the crappiness that My Bloody Valentine brought to theaters in 3D, Real D 3D is very glorious if done right.

Putting the creative glorious kills of the FD series in 3D tips it towards that series this Friday.

Jordy Verrill + Eva Krupp said...

I can't wait to see H2, I have to admit I love the remake and all things Rob Zombie!! Hope you had fun at band camp!

Vince Liaguno said...

I loved the new RealD technology that they used in MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, so I'm looking forward to the new FINAL DESTINATION if for nothing else. But I was also one of the seemingly few who really dug what Zombie did with the HALLOWEEN source material in his reimagining, so this is at the top of the list, too.

Answer: Sunday, splurging on two matinees.

The Curious Cat said...

Point and stab kinda guy? Love it!!!

Anonymous said...

"Final Destination 3" is a very fun, atmospheric movie but doesn't really add anything new to the series.

dsi r4

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