Friday, July 10, 2009


Have you ever popped in a horror movie hoping to find something absolutely terrifying, repulsive, mind-numbing, and haunting....but instead you find yourself laughing hysterically? That seems to be a running trend in films nowadays. Some things are done too over the top, some times the acting is awful, and in some cases...the script is just retarded. Now this list is compiled of a bunch of films that weren't trying to be funny. So as much as I love the idea of Killer Tomatoes or death by curling iron up the vag...horror comedies will not be included, as well as the campy films I love so much, I'm talking about films that are actually trying to be scary. Well...these films will always be the bridesmaid of Frankenstein...never the bride.

You know, I am normally a big supporter of video games turning into films, but LEAST get a director who can back up the film. This one has seriously got the worst director since Ed Wood himself, and it's the worst video game movie since Double Dragon. These people tried SO hard to make it scary, and its just laughable. I'll be honest, I just went on wikipedia to see how they describe it, and whoever wrote it was seriously 13. Just goes to show the audience it impressed. At least it had some tits.

"My dead fetus of a baby brother has been possessed by a dybbuk that has come for my body to have an existence and has taken the form of a toddler from a concentration camp that was the twin of my grandmother?" WHAT THE CRAP?! How can you not laugh at that?! The word dybbuk is just hilarious by itself, and then throw in that Gary Oldman is a rabbi? That shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

As much as I defend his film for when it first came out, I do admit. After about 4 viewings of gotta laugh at it. There's snot drooling out of her nose, they find a sack of teeth, and OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU FUCKING THREW THE FUCKING MAP IN THE FUCKING RIVER. I seriously think that film gives Scarface a run for its money in the F-Bomb department. Regardless, you're getting creeped out by stick men hanging from trees...grow up.

Some people may argue that they were being serious with this film...but you know, I don't think so. I think they literally thought the idea of giant killer rats was going to terrify people. I mean, if that really happened...we'd all be shaking like a dog shitting razorblades, but until that gotta just laugh. My favorite part is that they got the effect of the giant rats by filming real ones on top of Dollhouses. Sorry H.G. Wells, but they took this a little TOO loosely.

Probably one of the WORST zombie films of all time, I still have to hold it near and dear to my heart because I'm an Italian, and I love anything my kind produces. However, this is one of those "things we do not speak of". The best thing about Italian zombie films is that they were ALL dead serious. No matter how awful they turned out, you know they were trying really really hard to be scary. This one didn't just miss the bar, they knocked it off and threw it like a boomarang and it came back and impaled them.

Spencer Breslin going gangster on a locked door, Mark E. Mark talking to a plastic house plant, Jon Leguizamo still talking like Luigi Mario, Zooey Deschansel in a film, Killer TREES, and M. Night Shamalacalafragalisticexpealadocious making a film without a twist. I personally find it more enjoyable if you watch it thinking they weren't being serious. When deep down...I know they were.

Oh Tim Curry and your clown from Brooklyn. This film is hailed as one of the most terrifying, but I can't take it seriously. 1) It's Dr. Frank-n-Furter, 2) "Do you have Prince Albert in a Can? Ya do!? WELL YOU MIGHT WANNA LET THE POOR GUY OUT! 3) Killing a spider with an asthmatic rescue inhailer...really? This is supposed to be scary? I don't care if you're a clown with razor teeth, you live in the sewer and touch little kids. Pervert.

It wasn't until later in the series that our good friend Chucky became such a campy character. I think they set out to make a legitimately scary film in the first one, but it came across so cheesy and funny they just rolled a franchise out of it. I mean look at him! He's a freckled, ginger doll possessed by a serial killer. WHAT?! Honestly, capitalizing on its absurdness was the smartest decision they could have made...because killer dolls aren't scary. Step on's over.

H.G. Wells wrote a ton of stuff that was just botched in the film world. Just take a look at this picture. "It's hard out here for a pimp...schlocked with greasepaint." It's just a sad, sad coda for dear ol' Brando in this film. I mean his sexy died off in the 60's, but dear GOD. Not to mention, that pygmy thing is just BEGGING for laughter and anything that has Val Kilmer in it is just asking, no, BEGGING for unintentional giggling.

02) THE WICKER MAN (2006):
Nicholas Cage....and fucking BEES. How you can take a classic piece of horror gold and raped it so hard that it became THIS mockery...just freaks me out. When I watched this film for the one and only time, I didn't know whether or not to laugh or to cry. I mean who randomly punches a woman out for no apparent reason at an Inn? And who's still giving Nicholas Cage work?!

Was there really another option? I mean Bela Lugosi died halfway thru the movie and they still finished it, using a chiropractor with a cape over his face as a stand-in. Ed Wood's earnest passion for filmmaking was matched only by his complete lack of talent for it. This film is a lot of give and take. I'll take Maila Nurmi, you can HAVE Tor Johnson. Some of the WORST special effects in the history of special effects and we didn't even have CGI to rape us yet. Aliens, vampires AND zombies hapharzardly thrown together in a plot that is as incomprehensible as it is ridiculous, with the audacity to have the tagline, "Can you prove it *didn't* happen?" This movie wasn't escaped. YET, I still love it :)

13 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Madame, you have outdone yourself.

"LMFAO" is used so often these days that it has lost its effect. But I was indeed Laughing My Fucking Ass Off at this.

"bridesmaid of Frankenstein...never the bride" = Brilliance.

Jon said...

Good list! FOTG is a laugh riot. I’ve always heard that Raimi and Campbell were both surprised when people actually laughed during early screenings of the first Evil Dead, so they figured ‘what the heck’ and made the sequel intentionally funny. I also think Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is really funny, but he probably intended it, what with all that satire.

Jordan in Texas said...

A good bit of writing, but I can't see how these are the best/worst eleven that you could come up with. Surely, there are films that the uninteional comedy level is higher in than IT? Zombie Lake comes to mind.

But, like I said, I don't have to agree with you to acknowledge that this is a good bit of writing. Keep up the good work!

Wesley Cavins said...

@Warfreak Anyone who can sit through Zombie Lake needs to re-evaluate their life, lol.

gord said...

A) The Wicker Man is amazing, how can you only have watched it once?
B) Laughed my ass off at your description of Italian horror movies and how they make them.
C) The only time I ever saw IT was when I was about 10, and I accidentally watched the last half (ie. the second tape) first. I had no idea what was going on in the movie. In my later years after reading the novel I realized I accidentally ruined something that wasn't very good to begin with.

BJ Colangelo said...

B-You know how I do :)

Jon-Why thankyou m'dear! :)

Warfreak-My lists are always based off of my opinion so of course we'll be missing some others :)

Wes-I love that you @twittered a comment

Gord-The original Wicker Man is amazing...the remake is an abomination

I Like Horror Movies said...

Excellent call with Wicker Man remake, I havent seen anything that made my jaw drop that low in years.. YEARS..

Wesley Cavins said...

@BJ-C Shiiiii... where do you think twitter got it from? ;)

Checking comment responses FTFW. *Watches Zombie Lake*

B-Sol said...

Gord, I'm really hoping you're being sarcastic about Wicker Man. Otherwise, I question your sanity lol...

Anonymous said...

I tried really hard to watch The Crappening, er I mean The Happening. But the acting was just so ridiculously aweful. M. Night Shamalamadingdong needs to stop making movies, ASAP.

My personal fav, Them! from 1954. Looky here:

venoms5 said...

Nice list. It would be difficult for me to compile one such as this, though. MST3K is filled with movies that fit this criteria.

Anonymous said...

Alot of what our country has become is a really bad movie, where men are judged wrongfully because they give ladies compliments about their bosoms,cleavage, rearends whistle at them, really laughable when you look at these attractive idiotic women today.

Nightcrawler said...

Only the end monster was funny in It. I feel sorry for you you did not enjoyed it. There is a reason why people fear/hate clowns and It just gives an explanation. Mine would be that clowns look like undead zombies. Oh and that many clows in history were mentally deranged and committed some serious stuff from kidnapping, raping to murder. It was a great movie.

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