Friday, July 31, 2009

EW'S 20 BEST VAMPIRES LIST SUCKS!!!

Okay, so when I saw that the cover image for EW's 20 Best Vampires list had Edward Cullen on it...I knew I was in for some trouble. However, after some internet stalking, I found their actual list. All I have to say, is WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS?! Why are we letting anyone write anything to do with horror who makes a living writing about celebrity cellulite and Lindsay Lohan's sexual orientation? Call me hypocritical, but this list BLOWS. Where in God's name is it acceptable to put Tom Cruise's vampire above anything on this list?! Or how about the fact that Angel, as in knock off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Angel is above Eli from Let the Right One In? I do give them props for the selection becase it shows an understanding of relatively little-known and less-than-popular movie and TV vampires...but seriously how many pre-pubescant vags were they eating when they put Edward Cullen only ONE below Bela Lugosi? Oh, but it's okay to put Edward Cullen on before Graf Orlock aka...NOSFERATU. Oh wait...HE'S NOT EVEN ON HERE. Fuck Entertainment Weekly and their Twatlight humping writers.
  • 1. Lestat, Interview With the Vampire
  • 2. Christopher Lee’s Dracula
  • 3. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula
  • 4. Edward Cullen, Twilight
  • 5. Bill and Eric, True Blood
  • 6. Asa Vajda, 1960’s Black Sunday
  • 7. Angel
  • 8. Mr. Barlow, Salem’s Lot
  • 9. Schuyler Van Alen, Melissa de la Cruz’s Blue Bloods series
  • 10. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
  • 11. Klaus Kinski’s Dracula
  • 12. Zoey Redbird, P.C. and Kristin Cast’s House of Night series
  • 13. Jean-Claude, Laurel K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series
  • 14. David, 1987’s The Lost Boys
  • 15. Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Roberts, 1983’s The Hunger
  • 16. Blade, the Blade trilogy
  • 17. Eli, 2008’s Let the Right One In
  • 18. Countess Bathory, 1971’s Daughters of Darkness
  • 19. Selene, the Underworld trilogy
  • 20. Caleb and Mae, 1987’s Near Dark

22 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

This list makes my head/heart/soul hurt. Tom Cruise as Lestat was the WORST case of miscasting in history. And Klaus Kinski Nosferatu and not the original??? Edward Cullen in the top 5?? I hate to sound like a Bloody-Disgusting commenter, but great Caesar's Ghost, does this list suck the sweat off a dead man's balls, or what?

Ms Harker said...

Firstly dear, you shoudln't read EW it makes your IQ lower each time you read it. However I share you outrage, Lestat was good but number one? Nope. Listing Bill and Eric together is cheating and bollocks, Eric maybe should get a look in but Bill can get fucked. Eli should be above dipshit Cullen and where is Gloria Holden? Oh, and Angel was hot but a hush now, Spike was way cooler. Kiefer so should have got higher entry on the list. Ackh I'm choking on my rage here! xx

www.musingcontinuum.com

remingtons said...

My expectations were so low I was impressed they managed to find Mr. Barlow for "Salem's Lot" (book was great, never managed to catch the movie though)

I could just imagine some editor telling the writer, "Vampires a big now, let's make a list. Oh yeah, don't forget those gay sparkly ones either."

oducerproducer said...

How the fuck can Edward be number 4? I respect seeing some good films on the list, but come one, horrible order.

Soap Magic said...

This is pitiful. That's all I can say.

BJ-C said...

"don't forget those gay sparkly ones"
awesome :)

oducerproducer-exactly my sentiments.

Edward Brock said...

This is how my list would go. Is this better?

1) Eli (Let The Right One In)
2) Count Orlok (Nosferatu-1920)
3) Gary Oldman (Bram Stoker's Dracula)
4) Christopher Lee (various Dracula films)
5) Bela Lugosi (Dracula-1932)
6) Selene (Underworld series)
7) Jerry Dandridge (Fright Night)
8) Miriam (The Hunger)
9) The Vampires of... (Near Dark)
10) Asa Vajda (Black Sunday)
11) Martin (Martin)
12) Spike (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
13) Countess Carody (Vampyros Lesbos)
14) Marie (Innocent Blood)
15) Mina Harker (League of Extraordinary Men)
16) Barnabas Collins (Dark Shadows)
17) Mr. Barlow (Salem's Lot)
18) David (Lost Boys)
19) Carmilla (The Vampire Lovers)
20) Elizabeth Báthory (Daughters of Darkness)

B-Sol said...

Oh, don't you worry, Mr. Brock. This grievous atrocity will be righted shortly...

The Divemistress said...

I know I'm only setting myself up for ridicule, but I did like Tom Cruise's Lestat--in my defense I was quite young then. But he's certainly not no.1. Kiefer Sutherland needs to move up and Ms Harker's right: Bill can fuck off and Spike so deserves to be on this list. (What is it with me and the blondes?) The addition of Selene made my stomach turn, I think they added her just to even out the women.

Matt-suzaka said...

Blade is only a half vampire!

I like the list you put up Brock, Barnabas Collins, who was on a popular TV show (that was rebooted once already) and a handful of TV movies isn't on the list?! My favorite vampire movie will always be Fright Night, so Jerry Dandridge would be very high up on my list...he's not even on the fucking EW list!!! And don't even get me started on the lack of Lauren Hutton's "Countess" character from Once Bitten'!

Every time I go to a dentist or doctors office, I'm going to sneak there copy of EW into the bathroom, and make number 2 on every single page...for the rest of my life.

B-Sol said...

After reading and loving Rice's early vampire novels, Cruise was SUCH a disappointment. SO WRONG. A Blade Runner-era Rutger Hauer is what Rice had in mind, which should give you an idea of just HOW wrong Cruise was...

T.L Bugg said...

I second everyone's rage here, and personally for cultural impact alone I don't see how any vampire can outrank Bela Lugosi. His image was for many years (and still is for me) what I think of when I think vampire. This list sucks so bad I can't believe Count Chocula wasn't on it.

BJ-C said...

I agree. I mean I commend them for their options but their order is so out of whack I can't even handle it. People can say they aren't ordered, but that's wrong. If it wasn't in order, they would have opened with True Blood Vamps and ended with Twilight because those are the two big names in vamps right about now. From a marketing POV. However, they are back to back randomly at the top of the list, which means...its ordered.

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Shouldn't Dracula be number one??? Hello, without him there would be no sparkly vampires or Tom Cruise looking ones.

MonsterScholar said...

First of all it's Entertainment Weekly and they know fuck all about what horror fans want. Secondly, my only consolation is that Bill and Eric are in the top five.

TAMCH said...

I like Edward's list

I like Lestat in books, but not Tom Cruise in that character, is better Pitt in that movie

the jaded viewer said...

They have a Kate Beckinsale's character in Underworld on their list. What more needs to be said on how dumb they are?

Lily Strange said...

We'll see where things stand on Twilight given 5 years. Honestly, I couldn't even get through the first couple chapters because the purple prose blinded me. I haven't even seen the movie. But Edward would be nowhere near my list of great vampires.

Vardulon said...

I'm glad to see at least a few people noticed the lack of the greatest vampire of them all.

Answer the question, EW - where is Jerry god-damn Dandridge on your precious list? Tell me that?

Seriously, though, Fright Night is the greatest vampire movie ever made, and Chris Sarandon is like 75% of the reason for that.

B-Sol said...

Vardulon, I hope you're pleased to see we remedied the Dandridgelessness of the EW list with our revised list :-)

An Untitled Breed said...

Finally, someone who makes sense!

Actually, Nosferatu is there. #11 is referring to Nosferatu. Still, how can Count Orlock not make the top 5?!

Eli should at least make the top 10.

Bela Lugosi's Dracula should be first.

How come Barnabas Collins and Adrian from "Being Human" didn't make it?

How the hell did Zoey Redbird make the list? And right after Nosferatu? She shouldn't have even made the list!! Neither should have Edward Cullen!


Nothing makes sense anymore...

Drunketh said...

I like Tom Cruise as Lestat. He rocked somethin' hardcore. And when I saw this list I was actually surprised that they even mentioned Black Sunday.

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