Friday, July 31, 2009

EW'S 20 BEST VAMPIRES LIST SUCKS!!!

Okay, so when I saw that the cover image for EW's 20 Best Vampires list had Edward Cullen on it...I knew I was in for some trouble. However, after some internet stalking, I found their actual list. All I have to say, is WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS?! Why are we letting anyone write anything to do with horror who makes a living writing about celebrity cellulite and Lindsay Lohan's sexual orientation? Call me hypocritical, but this list BLOWS. Where in God's name is it acceptable to put Tom Cruise's vampire above anything on this list?! Or how about the fact that Angel, as in knock off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Angel is above Eli from Let the Right One In? I do give them props for the selection becase it shows an understanding of relatively little-known and less-than-popular movie and TV vampires...but seriously how many pre-pubescant vags were they eating when they put Edward Cullen only ONE below Bela Lugosi? Oh, but it's okay to put Edward Cullen on before Graf Orlock aka...NOSFERATU. Oh wait...HE'S NOT EVEN ON HERE. Fuck Entertainment Weekly and their Twatlight humping writers.
  • 1. Lestat, Interview With the Vampire
  • 2. Christopher Lee’s Dracula
  • 3. Bela Lugosi’s Dracula
  • 4. Edward Cullen, Twilight
  • 5. Bill and Eric, True Blood
  • 6. Asa Vajda, 1960’s Black Sunday
  • 7. Angel
  • 8. Mr. Barlow, Salem’s Lot
  • 9. Schuyler Van Alen, Melissa de la Cruz’s Blue Bloods series
  • 10. Gary Oldman’s Dracula
  • 11. Klaus Kinski’s Dracula
  • 12. Zoey Redbird, P.C. and Kristin Cast’s House of Night series
  • 13. Jean-Claude, Laurel K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series
  • 14. David, 1987’s The Lost Boys
  • 15. Miriam Blaylock and Sarah Roberts, 1983’s The Hunger
  • 16. Blade, the Blade trilogy
  • 17. Eli, 2008’s Let the Right One In
  • 18. Countess Bathory, 1971’s Daughters of Darkness
  • 19. Selene, the Underworld trilogy
  • 20. Caleb and Mae, 1987’s Near Dark

RUN JUDITH RUN

So this should be a THIS JUST IN, but the pun was too much to pass up. So I'm glued to E! today since Wifeswap and Spongebob are done for the day, so I'm watching all of their child star specials. I'm sure this was a big hoop-la when the film first came out, so if I'm behind....whatever. This made me excited and I feel like blogging about it. So we all know Judith Myers the skanktacular sister of our favorite immortal masked murderer right? Well as much as I am sort of on the fence with Zombieween, I will say that he did pretty dandy at casting. Judith was one of my favorite characters and I kept looking at her saying "Where do I know her?" Well...thankyou to E! and they're weird obsession with child stars, I now know. SHE'S LITTLE JENNY FROM FORREST GUMP!

Awesome. Absolutely Awesome.



Good thing she never asked Michael if he was stupid or something...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY

Happy Tuesday Ya'll! That's what DotW would sound like if Hannah Montana or Britney Spears introduced our TpT's for those of you who were wondering. It's a bit late for my posting I realize but lets just say the economy hit the salon I work at, the bossdog got a new partnership...and it's going to be a crazy two weeks for me helping sell out the place. ANNNNNNYWAAAYS, this doesn't mean that I can't make fun of another poster. Today's bashing is brought to you by Final Destination! Now these films aren't "great" by any means, but I will say they are a guilty pleasure for a good ol' fashioned freak accident death and some of the best openings to a horror film. The car crash in the 2nd film is seriously the best car crash in any movie...ever. I normally stop paying attention after that and wake myself up for the kills because something about the wind blowing and that makes me see a staple gun go through someones head just doesn't click with me...This does NOT excuse the fact that the posters are always terrible though.

So first of all, that font looks like the one that came standard with iMakeashittymovieposter. Which is the new iTunes application I should copyright... Maybe they were going for simplicity, or maybe the guy they hired to make the poster came into work very hungover that day. Either choice was a bad one. Not to mention the color of the font isn't a very deep red. It's less scary blood red and more "pink belly" rouge. I don't know the last time someone was intimidating dripping "salmon". BTW: deathiscoming.com? Sounds like the proto-type for the December 21, 2012 site. LAME.

The biggest, most noticeable proof of suckiness...the damn skeleton faces. Not only did they photoshop the living daylights out of everyone on this poster, but they made half of their face a skeleton. I understand, they're going to die...but did these "artists" not realize that people have um, I don't know...DIFFERENT FACIAL STRUCTURES?! They used the same exact skull on every single person. No offence to Devon Sawa, but he's no Ali Larter. His skull should be more rounded, sport a gap tooth, and reek of failed career. Ali Larter's should be very prominent, beautiful, but reek of bad acting. As for Stiffler in the back...why is he even on this poster? And why does he have that look on his face? PS; how does Devon Sawa arch his neck like that? Call this boy a chiropractor!

Finally, we must pay close attention to that lightning. I really think they googled "lightning" and just popped that picture as the background. It looks less like lighting and more like a electrical problem. So I thought to myself, there's an electric issue at the end of the movie, maybe it IS electricity...but then you look at the other 3 posters and THEY ALL HAVE THE CRAPPY LIGHTNING! If this was authentic, these people's hairs would be frizzing out on end around that shizz, but then again the 90's was the year of gelled hair...*sigh*

Monday, July 27, 2009

I Want Jennifer's Body


EDIT: YES I KNOW DIABLO CODY IS A WOMAN.
I don't think before I talk lol.

It Runs In The Family

I've mentioned on here before about how my mother's side of the family is chock full of horror fanatics. Well, my Aunt Nikki definitely set the bar extremely high. The image to the left is my darling cousin (and my doppleganger) Brianna. She acts like me, she sounds like me, and she looks exactly like me when I was her age. What else do we have in common? Oh yeah, that she never in a million years would watch TV or a movie but when she was around 2 & 1/2, my Aunt found her GLUED to the TV watching the Amityville remake. Needless to say, the next time I'm in Florida...I'm bringing this child a care package.

So my parents went down to Florida for their 20th Wedding Anniversary and to visit all my family. My Aunt gave me a call to tell me this fabulous story. Apparently when she was pregnant with her second child Isabella, Brianna was only 4 years old. My Aunt REALLY wanted to see The Grudge but couldn't go unless Brianna could come in with. So instead of going home...she asked the people at the kiosk if Brianna was allowed to come in. So please everyone picture this really quickly. A pregnant woman with a 4 year old walking in to see The Grudge...AWESOME.

Now Brianna is about 6 or 7 years old and my mother called me from Florida to let me know that Brianna was having a screaming fit because she had to go to sleep with Isabella and couldn't stay up to watch the Friday the 13th marathon on TV. Events like this restore my faith in humanity
:)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

THE BEST HORROR MOVIES TO WATCH AT A GIRL'S SLUMBER PARTY.

So I can't be fully masculine and the anti-female all the time, I have a lot of very girly attributes to myself. Other than the whole baton twirling, beauty queen, twatlight hating thing (SEND MORE T-SHIRT DESIGNS), I am a huge fan of slumber parties. Yes, they are exactly what they sound like. A bunch of my friends and myself hiding out in my basement, watching endless supplies of horror films, spilling popcorn, making late night Taco Bell runs, talking about the opposite sex, and yes...there is the ocassional makeover. This list is inspired by the new remake Sorority Row which sadly has Rumer "Potato Head" Willis in it, but does have Carrie "Into the garbage chute, fly boy." Fisher. So it got me thinking of what films we girls do like to watch when we're knee-deep in carbs and eye shadow. I am not going to include the hella obvious ones *cough* FREDDY/JASON/MICHAEL *cough*

SHAUN OF THE DEAD
I regret to inform you that not all of my friends are the horror connoisseurs that I am. So I sort of need to ease my friends into the night of horror films. There really isn't a better way to start off a night of horror fest other than Shaun of the Dead. You can't go wrong with it. It's new enough where they don't think it's crappy, its funny, scary, but absolutely fabulously entertaining. The second they're hooked on it, I can bring out the big guns!

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

It may be much older than SOTD, but this is a gem that most people my age haven't even heard of. It has the college age kick that always draws us in, and this film is so off-the-wall it's impossible not to absolutely love it. Plus, a good chuck of my friends are sorority girls so the Greek Life attribute always appeals quite nicely. It's also impossible to go wrong with anything slasher/zombie/alien invasion...EVER.

FRIGHT NIGHT

Hilarious horror comedy tribute to late night horror hosts, sexy vampire antics, the dude from Herman's Head and the chick from married with children. PLUS, Cornelius from POTA and the vampire is the transvestite from Dog Day Afternoon. What else could you want from a film?! This is a damn good camp classic and I will admit, I can't watch NOTC and NOT watch this one right after it.

PROM NIGHT (1980)

Normally I don't put what years a film came out because It's normally pretty easy to tell just based off of how I describe it, but this one I HAVE to make sure people realize I'm not promoting the shit-show that was the remake starring the scar on Brittany Snow's forehead. (Could they seriously give her forehead another closeup?) I am however an avid supporter of the original. Rolling heads at a high school prom? Awesome.

DANCE OF THE DEAD

We're heading back to the prom for some zombie slaying! There may not be rolling heads, but there's a garage band covering Pat Benetar, the brick channel, zombie sex in the bathroom stall, and some other really awesome junk. It's one of my new guilty pleasures because hey, I'm a sucker for anything teenage or zombie. Not to mention, I have a massive fangirl crush on Randy McDowell.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW

Okay, If I'm watching a horror flick with a bunch of Phi Sigma Sigma's, Delta Zeta's, and a few Chi Omega's...what else should we watch? I mean the remake inspired this list so its only fair that I mention the wickedly insane original one. It has a massive Black Christmas feel to it, but you gotta love 80's horror. In all forms.

THE WIZARDS OF GORE

I've found it to be really difficult to convince my friends to watch a super old horror film. However, if I bring up the fact that this is the film that Juno and future baby adopted daddy watch together, they might be more apt to watch the thing. It's a stellar splatter flick and very entertaining. A must see at 3am when you're hopped up on sugar and pizza.


WHEN A STRANGER CALLS
I don't care what country you live in, what language you speak, or what God (or lack of) you follow...if you are above the age of 14 and have a vagina....you've babysat at least ONCE in your lifetime. The first time I saw this film, I actually WAS babysitting. Needless to say I didn't leave the same room as the kids for the rest of the night. Sorry Smith Family, that's the real reason the kids slept on the living room couches...So yeah a sleepover with teenage girls...must include this film.

THE LOST BOYS

Well, studies show that girls in about my age range think that pretty boys who walk the night and call themselves "Vampires" are the new black. So, why not give them what they want...within reason. I refuse to put in Twatlight, so where else am I gonna find a pack of vampy hunksicles to make my friends swoon? Well this one of course. I personally have a mad girlcrush on Keifer in this film, but you can't go wrong with the Coreys.

THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

Okay, did you really think I was going to end this list without including this? You have to be joking me. Remember when you were little and your dad would scare you by saying the ghost would come out on (what's today's date...?) SUNDAY nights only? Well, this is just what you do when you have a sleepover movie marathon. Always to be watched last, and always guaranteed to scare the HELL out of your friends :)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

HORROR TAKES NATIONAL BATON TWIRLING CHAMPIONSHIP BY STORM.


CONGRATULATIONS TO THE SILVER KNIGHTS BATON CORP
3RD PLACE IN POMS
&&
NATIONAL SENIOR SMALL SHOW CORPS WITH PROPS CHAMPIONS
&
MY TEAM: THE RAZZLE DAZZLES
2009 NATIONAL AND GRAND WORLD SHOW CORPS WITH PROPS AND SCENERY CHAMPIONS.


i'll have a legit post tomorrow
:)

Friday, July 24, 2009

THIS JUST IN




1) My absence has NOT been in vain...
2) My Corp the Razzle Dazzles are the
2009 National Champions in the Show Corps with Props and Scenery Champions.
3) Grand Worlds are tonight!!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Catriona MacColl

B-Sol of the VoH here, greatest living horror blogger, with a belated edition of Woman of the Week. This time around, I'd like to take a look at a very special actress who has earned a place in the hearts and minds of all those who, like myself, have a certain affinity for that wild and woolly subgenre known as spaghetti horror.

When it comes to the Italians, they seem to know how to make some damn good westerns, and some damn good horror movies--particularly of the zombie variety. They also seem to be very skilled at picking memorable leading ladies for their films. In this case, the great Lucio Fulci picked himself a real winner with this British knockout who provided the focal point for his acclaimed "Seven Gates Trilogy", Ms. Catriona MacColl.

I'm pretty sure her real name is Katherine MacColl, but leave it to the Italians to transform it into something a little easier for their vowel-happy tongues to handle. A British actress, MacColl made her name nevertheless with appearances in film and TV all over the world, mainly in non-English speaking countries. In fact, she debuted in the Japanese production Lady Oscar in 1979.

Following the success of Zombi 2, Fulci had instantly turned himself into one of the horror genre's newest maverick directors. Looking to follow it up with an ambitious series of Lovecraft-influenced undead epics, he initially turned to the lovely Tisa Farrow, who had been his female lead in Zombi 2. However, it turned out that that the willowy brunette from the famous Hollywood family had gotten over the acting bug and turned to a career in nursing...

This turned out to be a fortuitious turn of events for Ms. MacColl, who got the call from Fulci and went from complete unknown to cult horror scream queen icon, becoming the director's go-to leading lady in the process.

The beautiful MacColl would appear in all three films in Fulci's trilogy: City of the Living Dead (1980), The Beyond (1981) and The House by the Cemetery (1981). At just 25 years of age, she would instantly make her name in the horror business in a way most actresses can only dream of...

In the first film of the trilogy, MacColl plays Mary Woodhouse, a psychic who winds up being accidentally buried alive in what is easily the film's tensest sequence (and that's saying a lot!). In a classic Fulci touch, her desperate liberator nearly murders her as he plunges a pick-axe through the casket repeatedly in an attempt to get it open and free her. Her terror is palpable here, and indicative of what she would bring to the table for Fulci.

She stars in The Beyond as Liza Merril, inheritrix of a cursed hotel who is plagued by invading forces from hell itself. Most point to this film as Fulci's finest, and it's probably MacColl's finest performance, as well. Who can ever forget that iconic finale, which sees her trapped and blind in an endless netherworld void?

I'll always be partial to The House by the Cemetery, a strangely Shining-esque tale in which MacColl plays the part of Lucy Boyle, stressed-out housewife slowly succumbing to the horrors within the new home she's come to live in with her husband. It is her performance and reaction which contributes so strongly to the sense of creeping dread that makes this film a winner for me. In particular, her brutal demise at the hands of Dr. Freudstein in the movie's climax stays with the viewer long after the closing credits have finished.

There's something about the way MacColl was able to convey complete, soul-searing terror that made her such an asset to Fulci. Her large and expressive eyes told us everything--opened wide, a choked scream trapped in her throat... Future wannabe scream queens of the world, take notes. This is how it's done, ladies.

I had the honor of meeting Ms. MacColl last year at Chiller Theatre, and she could not have possibly been more gracious and congenial. I was impressed at how she managed to seem completely grateful and glad to have been a part of Fulci's body of work, while at the same time able to laugh self-effacingly at the unlikeliness of a beautiful British actress becoming an icon of Italian gore cinema. I'll never forget how she put my children at ease with humorous stories from the set of The Beyond, enthralling them with anecdotes of zombie extras being doused with strawberry jam to make them look more gruesome. Truly a classy lady, and one whom I hope to interview at some point.

After her work with Fulci, Catriona MacColl went on to do extensive film and TV work in both Italy and later France, where she later settled down. She has not been all too active in acting in recent years, and has instead been running a rural hotel in the south of France. Um... can you say, "pilgrimage"??

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!

Greetings to you Womanizers from beautiful South Bend, Indiana! Well, my competition is in South Bend at the faboosh Notre Dame University. I'm currently absorbing the awesome that is my hotel room in Mishawaka, Indiana. Yeah, the Midwest gives us a lot of weird Native American names. Anywhoo. I discovered that not only do I get WiFi, but it's also FREE! Mama likes her free stuff so I'll be able to keep up with the blog even while I'm away.

So to start the week off, we've got this steaming platter of guano that is the poster for Saw III, the third installment in the craptacularly overrated Saw series. Granted, this franchise has given us some doozies as far as awful posters go, but this has to be some kind of a high watermark of lameness.

The Saw posters have always tried to incorporate the number of each sequel in some kind of visual way--and this is definitely the stupidest example of them all. My first reaction on seeing this picture, as well as the goofy-as-hell tagline that accompanies it, is to giggle and snicker uncontrollably. And I'm pretty damn sure that shouldn't be the reaction I have to a poster for a Saw movie. I mean, these aren't exactly feel-good chuckle-fests, are they? So, to say this poster fails is quite the understatement...

"Opening Wide This Halloween". REALLY? Who's writing this stuff for them, Fozzy Bear?

And to get back to that picture... Toothless gums? Who thought this was scary enough to be worthy of a horror movie poster? I mean, I'll admit that everyone's a little freaked out by the dentist, but not enough to look at something like this and go hiding under their bed or anything. Seriously, I almost think one of the geniuses behind this poster had to be some poor little pillow-biter who had a bad experience getting a tooth pulled when he was seven and has had a deep-seated dentist phobia ever since. Just because the sound of Muzak and the sight of Highlights magazines makes you cringe in terror, Mr. Pantywaist Studio Exec, don't expect me to start quaking in my boots!

Bottom line, it isn't scary, and it certainly isn't clever. To quote Jigsaw, I want to play a game. And that game is Clue. As in, whoever came up with this poster needs to get one.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Too Many Panties in a Bunch Over Orphan

So I'm sure that most of, if not all of you Womanizers have heard how Jaume Collet-Serra's new flick has been pissing off adoption groups left and right. If you haven't...Orphan is pissing off adoption groups left and right. :) Apparently the idea of a couple adopting an "evil" child is unacceptable and they want the film to donate part of its box office revenue to help Adoption agencies or something like that. Let me be frank when I say...What. The. Crap. Seriously? You think that one horror film is going to make me believe that all orphans are evil and going to kill my family after I bring them home? I mean this is BIG news considering up until this point I firmly believed that all orphans had curly red hair, sang show tunes, and knew how to tap dance despite being in an orphanage their entire lives. That's just me though.


Apparently the big thing bugging people about the promotional junk going around is the line "It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own." Really people? Calm down. It's a FRICKEN movie. There are much more hard hitting quotes from films that don't tap into our "unfounded" fears about things. Hearing Ragen MacNeil claiming that "mother sucks cock in hell" doesn't make me automatically fear for my mother's safety in the afterlife, and I could care less if "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." You don't see me promoting everyone I know named Jack to go out and play. So my quote examples were a little bit farfetched but hey, you get what I'm saying? It's a freaking movie line, one line in a trailer isn't going to instill some untapped fear into people. If someone has issues about adopting before the film, they're going to have issues about adopting after the film. If someone is completely accepting of adopting before the film, they're going to be completely accepting of adopting after the film. I'm just saying its seriously just a movie...Calm down.



What else gets me is the fact that they're acting like this film is so extreme and awful. Uh Hello. Two words...PROBLEM CHILD. Yeah, that film with John Ritter with the demented ginger demon of a child who had been adopted and taken back more than any other kid? This film exploited off of his cruelness but because it was a comedy, nobody panics. However, say that film took out John Ritter, put the kid in a proper suit, and changed the music. We'd be having a completely different conversation now wouldn't we? Why is it acceptable to parody, but not to make dark? That's just not fair, and it's stupid. People are overreacting and I'm so annoyed with the whole situation.
PS; I know how it ends, and these complainers will change their tune when they hear Esther's secret...so CALM DOWN.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

ONCE AGAIN...BE BACK LATER.


1) My team is competing for the national title next week so my blogging will be slacking and chock full of Vault of Horror guest posts :)
<3 you all.

Friday, July 17, 2009

THIS JUST IN:


1) Being hit on by a worker in a McDonald's drive-thru...is EXACTLY as terrifying as it sounds.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

THIS JUST IN:

1) I've never been one to say something without being able to back it up. I've commenteda few times on how I can walk down the stairs a la Exorcist style and decided that it would only be necessary for me to prove it. So here is a picture of yours truly practicing her "layback" at a baton practice in full costume and makeup. Enjoy :)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Danielle Harris

Welcome Welcome Wednesday Womanizers! I really need to find some new catchy greetings to introduce these weekly editions...Anyways, today I'm featuring a girl who defined a character, and has dazzled us in the ways of horror films ever since. She's like the Drew Barrymoore of horror flicks. She has transcended to running scared little girl, to bonafide Scream Queen. It takes some mad skills, a wicked scream, and of course a sexy look to transcend in the film industry, and this one has done it with flying colors. She's of course, the one and only Danielle Harris.

Danielle was first a Soap Opera darling, but made her way to the fields of the frightening when she stepped on the screen in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers as the masked murderer's niece Jamie Lloyd. That means this little one got her start as the biggest Scream Queen of the modern era's daughter. It was only right that she'd become a Scream Queen herself! Jamie suffers from nightmares about her uncle Michael, and in the 5th film of the series, she and him share almost a telepathic connection. The fourth film is heartbreaking because for the first time you see Michael out and intending to harm a little girl and her foster sister Rachel. She ran around town in a clown costume and screamed for almost the entire film. My favorite scene is one that isn't even as "memorable" and its watching her being teased for being related to Haddonfield's Boogeyman. My heart strings pulled for that little girl! However, who can forget at the end of the 4th film when Jamie is shown at the top of the stairs with the clown mask on weilding a knife. The 5th film Jamie is rendered a mute and suffers from seizures. Scary enough, her connection with Michael hasn't gone away and she goes into convulsions whenever he is about to kill. Myers tracks down his niece in his childhood home after Loomis takes her. By addressing him as "Uncle," she gets him to pause and remove his mask. I swear to you, that is the most insane moment of the whole film. You know it's not going to work and that Michael is going to get her, but you don't know when. So for that little girl to pull that off...is DAMN impressive.
She took some time doing other films which most have become cult-hits and even got to be in a Disney Channel flick with a very very young Katherine Heigel. She made her return to the genre that made her famous by playing a seemingly bit part but a very memorable part in Urban Legend. She played a nympho-cyber goth who sadly met her demise because her roommate assumed she was getting laid when in reality, she was getting slayed! Okay yeah that was like a bad tagline for a film, but hey. My blog, my rules.

She had some reocurring roles on the supernatural show Charmed but it wasn't until recently that she really got back into her horror roots...literally. Rob Zombie cast Danielle to play Annie Brackett in his Halloween remake as well as the upcoming sequel H2. Honestly, that's pretty ballsy and very awesome to see someone who was a pretty memorable part of the Halloween franchize being reeled back in. Especially since she wanted to participate in the 6th film of the series for a meager $ 5,000 dollars and they denied her! Those assclowns! I will admit though, seeing Danielle Harris's boobs in the remake really creeped me out. I mean, it's Jamie Lloyd all grown up really. Still screaming the same scream and still running from the same killer. How can you expect me to differentiate?! So yeah it freaked me out :). She was my favorite of the girls though, Sorry Scout.

Danielle also has a handful of "under-the-radar" horror films on her resume, but let us not forget where she came from :)



There's a brand new craze that's sweeping the nation...

(photo credit: Kurt Aper)

Good Morning Womanizers, don't you worry...a WotW will be posted later on today :). So as you should all know based off of my latest "THIS JUST IN's" as well as the photos I posted from my baton troupe earlier this week; horror isn't just a blogging thing for me, it's a way of life. Well, it seems to me that I'm not alone. My group, The Razzle Dazzles are doing a "Haunted House" theme. Last weekend at the state competition I saw a group doing not one but TWO "horror" themed routines. The Silver Knights baton corp from western Chicago suburbs, IL is not only doing a routine with the theme/music from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but they have a MINDBLOWING pom & dance routine to "Ramalama Bang Bang" which is the song in the video I posted recently. It does my macabre little heart well to see other people dipping in the pool of the weird and warped and coming out with something damn entertaining. Good luck at Nationals girls :)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

THIS JUST IN v2.0


1) Baton in Full Character
<3

THIS JUST IN.



Well...we need a new thriller.

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!

Happy T-T-T-T-T-Tueeesday Womanizers :) You know, sometimes we come across a poster that is so ungodly awful we can't exactly decipher whether it's truly an abomination or if they were secretly ahead of their time and awesome. I don't know what it is about rappers thinking they can do absolutely everything, but horror is DEFINITELY not their forte. This film is absolutely no exception. The film is atrocious and the poster truly embraces everything about this film....Ghetto and Obnoxious, but I sort of secretly love it.

First, WHATS UP WITH THE NEW MOON BACKGROUND?! I seriously think someone googled "full moon" and picked up an image off of photobucket or something. It's clearly a color photo that someone put in black and white to make it more "edgy" or "scary". It looks seriously ridiculous and seems to be a bad Twatlight rejection image.

Second, the DEAD HEIST title...has dollar bills in it. I mean, the premise of the film is that four gangsta bro's plan the perfect small town bank heist, but choose the wrong night. Their plans go horribly wrong when vampiric zombies attack the town and make them hostage in the bank. So the whole point of the film is getting this criminals out of the bank. Uh...what? Let the vampire zombies eat their asses, this is my work money and birthday checks from grandma they're trying to rip off! Why the shit should I care if they're trapped in the bank? Plus, I like how DEAD is in red to make it look like blood...good try, but thats the wrong color on the drag and drop scroll in the picnik editor...

Third, the graveyard is another one of those "found you on tinypic" images. At least take the, I don't know...30 minutes to take one photo in an actual cemetary? I mean, there's so much computer editing on this poster you'd think it was a Michael Bay film. Sick.

Speaking of computer editing, okay, If you're going to photoshop people in, DON'T HAVE AN AFRO OR BRAIDS. They're so hard to perfectly loop them out on the computer and it makes it HELLA obvious that its been photoshopped. Especially the poor schmuck on the far left. Photoshop just excentuated his misshapen head, and the fact Bone Crusher's afro isn't a perfect circle.

The tagline...I really shouldn't have to explain. At all...

Monday, July 13, 2009

Zion, IL goes "Footloose" about getting Dungeons of Doom


Dungeons of Doom of Lake County, IL is one of the hottest haunted attractions my dear old county has to offer. The fairgrounds have moved location meaning the haunted house needs a new home. It has been moved to Zion, IL not my "hometown" but where I attended high school. Now Zion, IL may have been founded on religious principles and has more churches per capita than any other place in the world...but the city is far from perfect. We have many faults, most of them being outside of the church atmosphere. I have written a letter in hopes that the city council votes YES to bring the attraction to our city, rather than banish it because "it promotes satanism, fornication, and high crime".

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Brittney-Jade Colangelo. For those of you who do know me, you may recognize me as the 2008 Miss Winthrop Harbor, or the first ZB to ever qualify for speech team nationals, or a co-captain of the now world champion baton twirling team the Razzle Dazzles, or ZBTHS's 2008 Best Actress and Best Voice, or the girl who started the Winthrop Harbor/Zion/Beach Park food drive "Trick Or Treat So Kids Can Eat" which raised over 5,000 pounds of food to feed our local hungry, or the voice of the Zion Farmer's Market theme song, or the 2007 runner up of the Zion Bee-Prentice scholarship program, or as the first ZB to win the LincolnLand Illinois Dollars for Scholars competition for our district. If you have seen me, chances are you have seen me with a tiara on my head, in a very proper business suit, or dressed like your average teenage girl.

I'm not sure how many of you have seen me decked out in my award winning dramatic Zombie Makeup. What many of you may NOT know about me is that around not just our community, but in over 85 countries, I am BJ-C author of Day of the Woman: a blog for the feminine side of fear. I write a blog dedicated to horror films and all things eerily entertaining. I dissect why it is people DO find joy in zombies and ghouls and why we are drawn to these films that are so terrifying to us. I've won numerous awards for excellency in writing, nominated for awards with my blogging, am now the newest member of the League of Tana Tea Drinkers, the world's most premiere and elite group of horror bloggers. My blog has helped me become a household name within the online horror community. I've been sent screeners to promote up-and-coming horror as well as to be be reviewed/critiqued. My blog is not only read by everyday ordinary people but also Amber Steele the CEO and Co-Founder of the Living Dead Girlz zombie dance troupe.

I am living proof that enjoying horror films, haunted houses, and all things creepy does NOT make you a satanist, fornicator, violent, or immoral human being. I am very secure with my relationship with Christ and am even a member of the Campus Christians at Western Illinois University. During high school I even sang for a bit in the Youth Group Worship band for North Point Community Church in Winthrop Harbor. The people that are sending the hate mail as well as flooding the City Hall meetings in protest I feel are misinformed and hypocritical. You know the saying "don't knock it til you try it?" Well, as the nicknamed "Mistress of Macabre" for the state of Illinois, I can promise you that I know a tad more about how the horror genre effects people over someone who instantly passes judgement on the very thought of anything pertaining to horror without giving it a chance or having an open mind to even the idea.

The idea of a haunted house is not to infest the minds of the youth of America, nor is it a tool to corrupt people for the praise of Satan. To be completely honest Satan has absolutely NOTHING to do with 99.9% of the horror genre. That .1% being RELIGIOUS films like The Exorcist. In both cases, THE POWER OF CHRIST is shown to overcome the evil that is Satan, and yes...has a happy ending. Haunted Houses are used ENTERTAIN people. People of all backgrounds, ages, cultures, and yes, religions all attend Haunted Houses around the Halloween season for the same reason...they like to be scared. People aren't going to a Haunted House looking for "enlightenment in the ways of Satan". When people are confused with their faith and their walk of life, they go to church; they do NOT wait until October to attend a haunted house to see how the "dark side" is. These people aren't products of Satan, they are actors playing a part. If playing a part in a haunted house makes you a Satanist, does that mean that Max Von Sydow is Jesus or Charlton Heston is Moses? No, that's absolutely preposterous.

Dungeons of Doom is something that I hold near and dear to my heart as it is one of Lake County's finest and most well known tourist attractions. I was Junior Miss Winthrop Harbor in 2003 and all of the queens had a Lake County sponsored event to go through the Dungeons of Doom. This even included the Little Misses. Yes, that means girls as young as 6 years old were given the choice whether or not they went through that Haunted House. Do you know what happened to all of us? We became class presidents, foreign exchange ambassadors, Miss Lake Counties, and leaders of our communities. The house had absolutely NO effect on our morality or our well being, if anything...it made us appreciate how beautiful the world around us is after seeing how terrifying it could be. (If we were all armed with that much corn syrup and latex :) When it really comes down to it.

Before you cast your vote as to whether or not this attraction should be implemented into the community, think not with blind knowledge, but with an open mind. Sam Raimi, director of the phenomenon The Evil Dead series which led him to direct the box office smashing Spiderman films once said "It doesn’t matter whether a film like the Evil Dead is cut or not. What matters is that if you give people permission to decide what YOU can and can’t see, then they will start taking away much more important liberties".

Saturday, July 11, 2009

SEE YOU MONDAY!


Today is the Illinois State Baton Twirling Championship
Tonight is ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW in Milwaukee
Tomorrow is the Wisconsin State Baton Twirling Championship.
I'm going to die of exhaustion
:)
Peace, Love, Brains
BJ-C

Friday, July 10, 2009

TOP 11 UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY HORROR MOVIES

Have you ever popped in a horror movie hoping to find something absolutely terrifying, repulsive, mind-numbing, and haunting....but instead you find yourself laughing hysterically? That seems to be a running trend in films nowadays. Some things are done too over the top, some times the acting is awful, and in some cases...the script is just retarded. Now this list is compiled of a bunch of films that weren't trying to be funny. So as much as I love the idea of Killer Tomatoes or death by curling iron up the vag...horror comedies will not be included, as well as the campy films I love so much, I'm talking about films that are actually trying to be scary. Well...these films will always be the bridesmaid of Frankenstein...never the bride.

11) HOUSE OF THE DEAD:
You know, I am normally a big supporter of video games turning into films, but seriously...at LEAST get a director who can back up the film. This one has seriously got the worst director since Ed Wood himself, and it's the worst video game movie since Double Dragon. These people tried SO hard to make it scary, and its just laughable. I'll be honest, I just went on wikipedia to see how they describe it, and whoever wrote it was seriously 13. Just goes to show the audience it impressed. At least it had some tits.

10) THE UNBORN:
"My dead fetus of a baby brother has been possessed by a dybbuk that has come for my body to have an existence and has taken the form of a toddler from a concentration camp that was the twin of my grandmother?" WHAT THE CRAP?! How can you not laugh at that?! The word dybbuk is just hilarious by itself, and then throw in that Gary Oldman is a rabbi? That shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

09) THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT:
As much as I defend his film for when it first came out, I do admit. After about 4 viewings of it...you gotta laugh at it. There's snot drooling out of her nose, they find a sack of teeth, and OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU FUCKING THREW THE FUCKING MAP IN THE FUCKING RIVER. I seriously think that film gives Scarface a run for its money in the F-Bomb department. Regardless, you're getting creeped out by stick men hanging from trees...grow up.

08) FOOD OF THE GODS:
Some people may argue that they were being serious with this film...but you know, I don't think so. I think they literally thought the idea of giant killer rats was going to terrify people. I mean, if that really happened...we'd all be shaking like a dog shitting razorblades, but until that happens...you gotta just laugh. My favorite part is that they got the effect of the giant rats by filming real ones on top of Dollhouses. Sorry H.G. Wells, but they took this a little TOO loosely.

07) BURIAL GROUND: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR
Probably one of the WORST zombie films of all time, I still have to hold it near and dear to my heart because I'm an Italian, and I love anything my kind produces. However, this is one of those "things we do not speak of". The best thing about Italian zombie films is that they were ALL dead serious. No matter how awful they turned out, you know they were trying really really hard to be scary. This one didn't just miss the bar, they knocked it off and threw it like a boomarang and it came back and impaled them.

06) THE HAPPENING:
Spencer Breslin going gangster on a locked door, Mark E. Mark talking to a plastic house plant, Jon Leguizamo still talking like Luigi Mario, Zooey Deschansel in a film, Killer TREES, and M. Night Shamalacalafragalisticexpealadocious making a film without a twist. I personally find it more enjoyable if you watch it thinking they weren't being serious. When deep down...I know they were.

05) STEPHEN KING'S "IT":
Oh Tim Curry and your clown from Brooklyn. This film is hailed as one of the most terrifying, but I can't take it seriously. 1) It's Dr. Frank-n-Furter, 2) "Do you have Prince Albert in a Can? Ya do!? WELL YOU MIGHT WANNA LET THE POOR GUY OUT! 3) Killing a spider with an asthmatic rescue inhailer...really? This is supposed to be scary? I don't care if you're a clown with razor teeth, you live in the sewer and touch little kids. Pervert.

04) CHILD'S PLAY:
It wasn't until later in the series that our good friend Chucky became such a campy character. I think they set out to make a legitimately scary film in the first one, but it came across so cheesy and funny they just rolled a franchise out of it. I mean look at him! He's a freckled, ginger doll possessed by a serial killer. WHAT?! Honestly, capitalizing on its absurdness was the smartest decision they could have made...because killer dolls aren't scary. Step on it...it's over.

03) THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1996):
H.G. Wells wrote a ton of stuff that was just botched in the film world. Just take a look at this picture. "It's hard out here for a pimp...schlocked with greasepaint." It's just a sad, sad coda for dear ol' Brando in this film. I mean his sexy died off in the 60's, but dear GOD. Not to mention, that pygmy thing is just BEGGING for laughter and anything that has Val Kilmer in it is just asking, no, BEGGING for unintentional giggling.

02) THE WICKER MAN (2006):
Nicholas Cage....and fucking BEES. How you can take a classic piece of horror gold and raped it so hard that it became THIS mockery...just freaks me out. When I watched this film for the one and only time, I didn't know whether or not to laugh or to cry. I mean who randomly punches a woman out for no apparent reason at an Inn? And who's still giving Nicholas Cage work?!

01) PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE:
Was there really another option? I mean Bela Lugosi died halfway thru the movie and they still finished it, using a chiropractor with a cape over his face as a stand-in. Ed Wood's earnest passion for filmmaking was matched only by his complete lack of talent for it. This film is a lot of give and take. I'll take Maila Nurmi, you can HAVE Tor Johnson. Some of the WORST special effects in the history of special effects and we didn't even have CGI to rape us yet. Aliens, vampires AND zombies hapharzardly thrown together in a plot that is as incomprehensible as it is ridiculous, with the audacity to have the tagline, "Can you prove it *didn't* happen?" This movie wasn't released...it escaped. YET, I still love it :)
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