Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Nothing says childhood like fast food. In between the games of hop scotch and Christmas at Grandma's, we all got those delicious meals that mom couldn't ever come close to re-creating. Along with the scrum-dittily-umptious foods, we were paired up with some dreadfully terrifying fast food characters. I don't know if they were trying to scare us into eating them but damn. So here's my list of the top 11 freakiest foodies.

11. Wendy
Aka: Pippi Longstalkings on speed. There's nothing scarier than a ginger who wants to shove square beef down your throat. Maybe its the red hair and freckles, maybe its the dark beady eyes, maybe its the Auschwitz blue striped blouse...whatever it is, she freaks me out. PS; Have you ever seen the girl that inspired the Wendy's icon? She's not too happy looking either.

10. Big Boy
When I see an overweight kid in checkered shorts, I tend to run in the other direction...Bob's Big Boy has these glazed over, psycho, anime, doll eyes. I don't know if he's staring into my hungry eyes, or my soul. His Jimmy Newtron-esque hair could probably impale you if you tried to steal that buger of his. What's even worse though, is that he kind of resmbles one of the Munchkins. That alone is scary enough. Or the fact Dr. Evil flies around in him...gross.

9. Mac Tonite
It's a guy with a giant crescent moon for a head, wearing dark sunglasses, and playing the piano...what more do I have to say. I get the whole idea of making him resemble like, Jay Leno's band or something, but the under bite is PUSHING it.
He's like a delirious nightmare you'd get from eating too much McDonald's before bed.
8. Taco Bell Chihuahua
My momma always told me that if you can punt it, you shouldn't pet it. There's something about those small but mighty animals that freak me out more than the huge ones. What's even creepier, is that this fanged mini-pup has a craving for cheap Mexican food. And by Mexican food, I mean a grade above cat-food. A dog craving cat food? HE MUST BE RABID!!!! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!.

7. Grimace
If Tinky-Winky the Teletubbie, Barney the Dinosaur, and Some weird ass monster from Yo Gabba-Gabba got together, made a baby, and fed it nothing but McDonalds hamburgers, it would probably look like this. All the burgers went straight to his hips and he wants to eat your meat! That's so disturbing on so many levels.

6. Colonel Sanders
He already looks like the perverted old man who lives down the street and only comes outside when the yard sprinkler is on, but the fact he massacred millions of chickens doesn't help. Nor does the fact he has the same facial hair as most adaptations of Satan. The white hair, white beard, white suit combo just screams cult leader, as well as that dopey ass tie. I wonder what his other use for that tie is...gross.

5. Jack in the Box
He's a man with an antennae ornament as a head. He's the closest thing to a clown without really being one. He's got a pale circular head, a scary as hell blank face, but the ability to touch you with his real human hands. It's like being a part of the Fuzzy community or some shit. Not to mention, that hat of his could seriously poke an eye out.

4. Burger King
The first time I saw the commercial with The Burger King in bed with some random dood trying to shove greasy, calorie-laden, crissont breakfasts in his mouth...I knew this guy was pure evil. He has a constant smile on his face and after having a BK Lounge on campus, I know you can't possibly smile after eating that much BK. If he looked constantly constipated, then yes, he'd be more realistic for BK. He also rocks a double ring, that's a little gangsta for a king, don't cross him...he'll hit you.

3. Mayor McCheese
He has a fucking cheeseburger, for a head! I can't trust anyone who's head is a giant slab of meat. Do you know how many animals have nibbled on that? The cheese in his mouth looks like fucking fangs. He could seriously eat me. AND HE HAS RED EYES!!! Who would ever put a character with red eyes?! That's not right, at all. PS; who made his suit? The Joker's Homeroom class?!

2. Duke of Doubt
He's the smartest guy on here.
He doubts the Burger King too.
I think I like him...if his chin didn't look like a certain appendage.
I like him even more:)

1. Ronald McDonald
What really needs to be said about Ronald? He's a ginger, he's a clown, he clearly stole Where's Waldo's wardrobe and combined it with an old prison jumpsuit, he has a smile painted on, he's a grown man, and he hangs out with children to feed them fake meat covered in condiments. That's disgusting, creepy, and fucking scary.

5 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

I think the Hamburglar was waaaaay more terrifying. He looked like a cross between a fat Danny Bonaduce and Zorro. Not too mention the dude was always mumbling 'Robble, robble, robble'. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN????

BJ Colangelo said...

I'm not sure, but Dick Cheney probably knows...

B-Sol said...

The Duke of Doubt scared the fuck out of me as a kid. I'm surprised they haven't brought him back, since they brought back the old Burger King. And Ronald, well, all you need to know is that Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald---that dude is scary enough!

Unknown said...

There's something about the old school Wendy that freaks me out. And the specific picture you have up of her with her eyes blackened out is just F*&ked up

Imposter Jason said...

Good call on making Ronald McDonald number one. I'm not normally afraid of clowns, but something about Ronald just doesn't sit well with me.

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