Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Let's say you were making a horror movie. And let's say, for the sake of argument, that you had come up with the awesomely brilliant title of "Evilution" for your horror movie. And further, let's say that you had a poster made up for your movie, and it looked like the one to the right. Not bad, eh? Not bad at all. Pretty creepy, kind of makes you want to see what it's all about, no? You'd think if this was your movie poster, you would've left well enough alone.

But no. Because there really was a movie last year called "Evilution". And unfortunately, this poster was only one of two created to advertise the film. The other.... was this:

Dear Womanizers, this is the poster that Terrible Poster Tuesday was invented for.

Where to begin. Where. To. Begin... It's almost as if a bunch of ADHD-stricken teenage boys were gathered together in a room and asked to pitch a bunch of ideas... and then all of them were used.

We have some kind of alien skull exploding, for some reason which remains unknown. Emerging from that skull is a veritable cornucopia of awfulness. Giant strands of DNA appear to be stretching out, like branches of the tree of suck. And in the midst of these quizzical chromosomes? Some screaming dude--holding not just a high-powered rifle, but also... a syringe! Hear that, people? If his gun don't kill ya, he's gonna stick ya full of groady super-virus with his bad-ass mega-needle!

And why is this guy screaming? Could it have something to do with the worst case of varicose veins ever that he has going on? Kind of reminds me of Bane from Batman & Robin, only not as well-executed. Now that I think about it, it's very possible that this guy is screaming at his agent...

About the topline... I understand connecting the flick to Dog Soldiers, a woefully underrated werewolf movie. But boasting "From the Writer of Cemetery Gates?" For those who may not know, Cemetery Gates was a 2006 turkey about a genetically mutated Tasmanian Devil. I'm not making that up. And when looking it up on IMDB, the very first user review (one-star) is entitled, "Terrible, will make you stupid".

But I digress. Allow me to get back to the morass of garbage that is the design of this poster. Double-helices, screaming guys with guns and syringes, and alien skulls aren't the only things clamoring for attention from your resentful eyeballs as they scan this thing. We can also see a bunch of jets flying overhead, and a bunch of tiny soldiers and other random people emerging from said alien skull.

Oh, and if you weren't sure what the movie was about, there's a giant "radioactive" symbol right behind Screaming Guy's head like a halo, almost making him look like the patron saint of kill-yourself. But just one "radioactive" symbol isn't enough, because there's also what looks to be another, smaller one, right over Screaming Guy's crotch... The lines forms to the right, ladies!

And the whole thing is splattered across a grainy, super-busy background in about 18 different shades of blue--just in case there was a slight chance there wasn't enough going on.

I'm almost proud of myself for unearthing this delirious piece of bad. I feel like the Indiana Jones of terrible movie posters. Top this, BJ-C. I dare you.

1 comment(s):

Ms Harker said...

Gives the phrase 'fire crotch' a whole new meaning yes? This poster is epically bad! By the way Tasmaian Devils are mutating, they have these tumours growing out of their faces an no one knows why... We Aussies joke its because of all the inbreeding in Tasmania, cross species like action!
Oh dear, first coffee in two days, look out internet!


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