Sunday, June 7, 2009

Horror Films: Big Named Celebrities Need Not Apply

After reading The Vault of Horror's rip on Mischa Barton's attempt at horror in Homecoming, I found myself very displeased. For some reason I thought "Mischa Barton...this might actually be good". Now I trust dear old B-Sol with pretty much everything, so I can guarantee if he didn't like it...I won't either. I was pretty upset that the movie is as mediocre as he says it is. I like Mischa Barton, she's never steered me wrong before! Then I thought to myself...that's right...SHE'S NOT A HORROR ACTRESS. Being the creep-ass poisoned girl underneath Haley Joel's bed in The Sixth Sense does not earn you street cred. This isn't the first time that a big name disappointed me in a horror film, and I can guarantee won't be the last.

Remember when they tried to re-make House of Wax and put in Paris Hilton? No? I put mouthwash in my ears and attempted to clean it from my memory too. How DARE someone remake a Vincent Price classic and put Paris Fucking Hilton in the film. Look at the picture of her I chose. That looks like a colorized still from 1 Night In Paris, with a longer rod. I guess I can't just hate on Paris alone. This film had Elisha Cuthbert and Chad Michael Murray they just threw in celebrities and stirred it up. Maybe if they had shaken it, the results would have been smoother...I mean hell, Paris Hilton won a Golden Raspberry for Worst Supporting Actress. BUT IT WON 3 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS!!! Yeah, and Twatlight beat Slumdog at the MTV Awards, tough titties. If that doesn't impress you, I don't know what will.

Adding to the collection of coked out whores who dabbled in horror is the most famed of the fire crotches since Julianne Moore, Lindsay Lohan. Lohan may be a walking horror film in her personal life, but when she actually tried to do a "serious, dramatic, horror" film...we were given I Know Who Killed Me. To be completely honest, words cannot even capture how awful of a film this was. Some casting wiz thought it'd be smart to put the Celebrity World's biggest trainwreck in a flick. The film truly reflected the actress, and was a complete and utter trainwreck. She was way better off with Fez.

He may be Jerry Bruckheimer's golden boy, but even A-List actors can suck really, really hard. Nic Cage takes a classic role played with such power by Edward Woodward and turns it into a complete joke. Yes, I'm referring to the film I had also washed from my memory- The Wicker Man. Robin Hardy, co-creator and director of the original British film, disassociated himself from it. How bad is that? Sometimes the original creators at least somewhat give even a glimpse of positive feedback. This film sucked so hard that even the original creator brainwashed it out. That's pretty damn bad. Oh not to mention, they dedicated it to Johnny Ramone...what? Isn't that P.J. Soles' job?

In my eyes, Will Smith can do no wrong (Wild, Wild, West doesn't exist in my mind). So when I found out that he was going to star in I Am Legend, I was pretty friggen stoked. However, when the film came out...I came to my senses and realized...bitch is in my neck of the woods. I thought Will's performance was pretty damn good for being the only person in the whole damn film pretty much (EAT THAT TOM HANKS!), but attempting to stand up to the original, it blows. There's like this unwritten curse that if an A-lister is in a horror film, it flops. Why? What is it?! I was counting on this film to bring the masses to the original, and once again a classic role is ruined. Go watch the Last Man on Earth. At any point could you imagine Vincent Price going, "AW HAIL NAW!?" Vincent Price...Charlton Heston....Will Smith??? No thank you. I love you Will, but stay in your own territory. Go farther too, don't want those ears creeping over the boundaries.

There's a reason that Shakespearean actors, are Shakespearean Actors. Shakespeare, is completely in its own category. For someone who was raised his entire life to play Henry the V to for some reason or another even THINK he has the skill to be Dr. Victor Frankenstein is completely an idiot. Like most of his performances, Kenneth Branaugh is nothing but a giant slab of ham on screen. Most of the time, he directs the films he's in. Talk about the ultimate in narcissism. He doesn't have anyone to say "Woah, Ken, turn it down a bit". Which is so damn frustrating. I just want to strangle him half the time. PS; since when does Victor Frankenstein resemble the homeless men who preach the word in Chicago streets? He also totally screwed over Di Nero....I thought he was all wrong. They couldn't make up their mind. They were trying to go a different route from the mute Karloff monster, and yet he's still like half retarded. Nowhere near as eloquent as the monster in the book. I don't blame Bobby for that, I blame Kenneth and his lack of letting anyone else have limelight.

Finally, I gotta give some shit to Gothika. Surprisingly, I know a lot of people who enjoy this film. Personally, I think Halle Berry is the most overrated actress ever. She's made about 2 good movies. That one she got all dem awards fer (and showed her rack in), and the other...The Flintstones. I saw the film because the trailer was damn good, and the film just flat out blows. I felt the script was so close, and yet so far. She looks almost embarrassed to be in this, just like she was embarrassed to be in X-Men. (I personally LOVE X-Men, but it's obvious she thought it was "beneath her") It shows though. It shows baaaadly.

To summarize...there is a reason that horror directors used to snag no-name actresses out of oblivion and put them into films. There's a reason that horror directors use Scream Queens. If you read my very first post on DotW, all the way back in February, I touch on the fact that horror acting is a completely different ball game in comparison to other forms of acting. Stick with your chick flicks, your action shots, your family comedies, and your rehab trips...leave horror to the pros.

7 comment(s):

Ms Harker said...

Ahhh Will Smith, you are a girl after my own heart. Run in slow 'mo for me Will run... I'm also with you on 'I am a knight of the kingdom' ball-nag Brannagh; I walked out of Frankenstein! Who would use Helena Bonham Carter with such contempt, unless said tool has his head so far up his own anus...

Ms Harker

B-Sol said...

Branagh's Frankenstein was an abomination. After it was over and the lights came on, I felt like I had been mugged. Terrible.

P.S. You've outdone yourself kid. Easily one of DotW's best posts... Nice work, keep it up!

BJ Colangelo said...

*bows* why thanks bossay!

Ms Harker-His head has been there far too long. Putting Neanu in Much Ado...what was he thinking? He's better to watch with the sound off.

Anonymous said...

1. I actually enjoyed I Know Who Killed me. Not original, but still fun. OK for what it was and yes, before she was a trainwreck, I had a mad crush on lindsay lo.
2. I Am Legend could have been waaaaaay better without all the CGI. It really was a distraction. What's happened to good ol' fashioned use of prosthetics and makeup? I really think that could have made for a more terrifying film.
3. As for the Wicker Man remake, 'NOT THE BEES!'

Johnny said...

I concur. Hated Branagh's Frankenstein, I Am Legend would've been 100x better if the creatures weren't CGI, but I actually love House of Wax! Very few people seem to be with me on that one however.

Anonymous said...

Johnny, I'm with you on that as well. I actually dig it.

Unknown said...

The insult! I love House of Wax, and Paris Hilton is marginally entertaining.

- Zac

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