Friday, May 22, 2009

Top 10 Scariest Women of my Childhood

We all have those characters that defined our childhood. For some of us, it was Alice in Wonderland, for others it was Dorothy in Oz. We'd dress the parts for Halloween and sing the songs along with the cassette or CD in the car. Sometimes however, we'd encounter a character that did more than just made an impact, but scarred us for life. My mother has been running a home daycare service since I was 4 years old. I've seen my fair share of children films. However, being the oh-so-mature 7 year old I was, I got my peek into films that weren't always meant for children. Here are the top 10 Women that Scarred my childhood.

10) Mrs. Stuark of Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead: This crotchety old hag scared the living ba-jesus out of me. With her scowling voice and that old lady hobble, I couldn't wait for her to die off. Her existence did however teach me the term of "since the butt-crack of dawn" when they complained about her chore schedule. I don't know, but this is one old woman that scared me more alive, than dead.

09) Aunt Spiker from James and the Giant Peach:
Aunt Sponge never freaked me out because I felt I could always roll her down the hill, but good God did Disney outdo themselves with turning Joanna Lumley into this terrifying woman. I mean, she normally plays scary ass characters, but Aunt Spiker is by far the creepiest. She had the creepiest smile and her makeup just made her look more evil than her character was portrayed. Not only did she look scary, but she downright abused poor little James! Poor kid already had his parents trampled by a rhino, and now he's stuck with this crazy bat!

08) The Homeless Woman from Angels In America:
I think it's the whole Marilyn Manson two different color eye thing that gives me the heebie jeebies, probably also why I'm so psyched for Drag Me to Hell. Emma Thompson is one of the most beautiful actresses in my opinion, but in this film, she completely freaks me out. I'm already creeped out by crazy looking homeless people (yeah, that's not PC-sue me) but she gave me such a heart attack here.


07) Lady Tremaine or "The Wicked Stepmother" from Cinderella: Those wicked green eyes, her tight facial features, and a bee-hive hair do that Amy Winehouse is envious of. The wicked stepmother persona just slams through her veins, and strikes fear into the heart of little ones everywhere. Not only did she abuse, and force her step-daughter into some domestic violence slavery thing, but her cat is named LUCIFER! Who does that?! Maybe Damien, but shit, not a Disney mom.

06) Miss Hannigan from Annie:
Long before I discovered how fabulous the character of Miss Hannigan is, or how Carol Burnett is my GOD as far as performing is concerned...she scared me half to death. I hated her drinking problem, her neglect for her orphans, and how she yelled ROOSTER was such a scary pitch to me. She practically tortured those poor kids with chores and had random doll parts chilling around her bedroom. Sounds like a personal problem to me...


05) Young Aunt Sofia and Young Aunt Agatha of Double, Double, Toil & Trouble: As Stanley Kubrick & Stephen King prove...twins in matching frilly dresses are fucking terrifying. This movie is one of my favorite childhood Halloween films, but I was always so weirded out when the characters Mary Kate & Ashley played looked identical to the younger versions of their witch Aunts. Never put two and two together, but it was weird.

04) Large Marge of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure:
Pee-Wee has talking couches, singing flowers, and Cowboy Curtis....BUT LARGE MARGE IS FREAKING SCARIEST. 1) She's a creepy old lady. 2) She's a truck driver. 3) SHE'S A GHOST. Pee-Wee was freaking twisted, and Large Marge totally proves it...if the fact he's Pee-Wee Herman didn't twist your mind already. "Tell 'em Large Marge Sent Ya!" No...no I won't.

03) Martian Girl of Mars Attacks!:
Oh Lisa Marie, if it wasn't because you had to be literally sewn into your dress, I'd be a little freaked out. Her hair was something out of a John Waters' wet dream. I thought she was the coolest alien...until she sucked and bit off Martin Short's finger. For some reason, I thought since she was the prettiest martian, we'd have nothing to worry about...boy did I think wrong. Thankfully, she got distracted by that parakeet...


02) The Fates from Disney's Hercules:
Disney made some really scary women if you think about it, but none of them were ever drawn to be that scary. However when Disney took a step into the mythology world...they went balls to the wall. The Fates not only controlled whether you live or die, but shared ONE eye ball. Watching that thing flop around their raspy voices gave me nightmares as a child. Ugh.

01) Miss Trunchbull from Matilda:
Shotput, Javelin, Hammerthrow...I saw Matilda before I started kindegarden and this vile woman made me never want to go to school. She threw children, broke arms, shoved kids in a pipe closet with nails sticking out of the door and made a fat kid eat a cake that was big enough for a Duggar Family Birthday. I was so scared that school was really like this and I didn't want anything to do with it.

6 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Miss Hannigan and Large Marge were two big ones for me. I watched that scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure through my scared little fingers for a long time. As for Lisa Marie, I was way to distracted staring at her ponderous Martian hoo-has to be scared.

monsterscholar said...

No way! The woman who made me batshit scared as a child was Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommy DearestNO MORE WIRE HANGERS!

T.L Bugg said...

Good picks I have to throw out an obscure one. In the eighties non-classic (except for to me) Cloak and Dagger. It's basically a Hitchcock movie for the Atari generation. There's an old couple who are perusing the kid tog et the government secrets in his video game, and the old lady is missing like I know that sounds silly, but it freaked me out when I was a wee lad.

Planet of Terror said...

The ol granny from Cloak and Dagger totally flipped my shit too!

musingcontinuum said...

Joanna Lumley is brilliant as is Emma Thompson, classic chracters actresses who can completely transform themselves. For me the scariest was Ms Gulch fro the Wizard of Oz, evil cow took Dorothy's dog!

Ms Harker
www.musingcintinuum.wordpress.com

Zacery Nova said...

Argh! Miss Trunchbull, god - I'm still scared of the chokey even now.

- Zac

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