Friday, May 8, 2009

"Ten Ways My High School Prom Resembled [or Was Nothing Like] Dance of the Dead"

I won't lie, I wish my life was like what happens in Dance of the Dead. If i could slow dance with the person I love the most to a cover of Pat Benetar with zombies slow dancing around me, I could die happy. OH! SPEAKING OF DYING HAPPY: Bruce Campbell replied to my email to him. *sighs* Anyways, my newest film obsession is Dance of the Dead. Every component of my dream film is in this. It has hilarious one-liners, awesome music, buckets of blood, pretty dresses, a smart ass kid with long hair, a redneck high school gym teacher, revenge of the science dissection frogs, undead make-out scenes, and of course ZOMBIES! So here's the "Ten Ways My High School Prom Resembled [or Was Nothing Like] Dance of the Dead"

1) My Gym Teacher Was a Lovable Asshole: Now, the gym teacher in this film has WAYYY better one liners than mine did. For example "Give me 20 minutes and I'll wire this place up like a crackhead on Red Bull". However, mine liked to tell people WAY TO GO! whenever you fell or fucked up. But both my gym teacher and the one in this film both made us "watch the Brick Channel".

2) My Prom Had a Killer Music Performance Too: Okay so, we didn't get the Quarterpunks, we had a DJ, but our music was hyphy! I went to a very urban school and lets just say, we got crunk, juked, grinded, did the whole shebang. I'm pretty sure two people had legit SEX on the dance floor without anyone knowing. However, I cannot prove that. I did however sing at my prom. :) Thus making our music at prom pretty awesome.

3) My date was a headless zombie hell bent on eating me too! Well, my date wasn't literally a zombie, but he might as well been. He was super boring, didn't want to dance, did nothing but groan and complain he was hungry, and only wanted to get in my pants. Granted I had been dating the guy for a while, but he turned out to be a total lame-ass. Glad I killed him off :)

4) The nerds actually got dates to our prom: I don't know why films keep portraying prom as some end all be all event. Maybe my school was more open, but there was no discrimination against who could and who couldn't go. Plus, where there are nerdy boys, there are nerdy girls. Come on, girls can speek 1337 just as well as any guy. Plus, why aren't there girls in the Sci-Fi club? I so would have joined, and I was popular in High School. Ugh, stereotypes.

5) My prom picture was no where near as cool: If my memory serves me right, our prom theme was something in italian. It probably was like "beautiful starlit night" or something attempting to be romantic, I don't know. All prom themes are the same nowadays. Anywhoo, my prom picture consisted of the headless zombie date with this doofy ass grin on his face and I was wearing the MOTHER of all huge dresses. A friend literally hid from her also headless zombie date under my skirt... so needless to say, my picture looks ridiculous. However, this photo to the right, is AWESOME. I would kill to have a zombie border...

6) Our Cheerleaders weren't Ninja Skilled: My little sister was a Varsity cheerleader as a freshman, so I knew our squad pretty well. While they could flip, kick, and jump like no other, I highly doubt they could whomp zombie ass. But in this film, Gwen has some bad ass fight moves. I tried picturing my pint size ginger sister kicking ass...and it was more laughable than relatable.

7) My class President was also an adorable girl who tried to be tough: Probably my favorite line from the whole film is when Lindsey is trying to get people to help set up for prom decorations and tells everyone to "Get the Eff Out of Here". Her voice is so cute and she's so ginger that you can't help but say AWW! My class President was the exact same way. It's like British children. Doesn't matter what they say, their voices make them oh so adorable!

8) Our Popular Girls wore close to no clothes too! I don't know what it is about prom, but for some reason the popular girls treat it like excuse to dress like a skank. Now I'll admit, Gwen didn't have a choice, that's just what she happened to be wearing but of course the pretty girl has to be wearing close to no clothing. Plus, there's nothing like a blood drenched wet tank top contest! So we didn't have those....but we had enough sweat from juking that left NO surprise as to what was underneath that fabric...

9) Most of my high school nights looked like this too: So high school tends to scream "hide out in the wilderness" if you ask me. Whether you're running from zombies, the police, or your parents we all tend to head to the woods. I guess trees some how make us invisible but its a no brainer. Even in college, police comes and you see people SCATTER all over the place. Awesome.

10) WE DIDN'T GET FUCKING ZOMBIES!!! It is so not fair. I spent four years of my life setting records, making firsts, giving back, doing well, being polite, and being the poster child for high school students everywhere...all I ask is a little bit of a thank-you. That's all I wanted. One sign for me to know that I was appreciated. Did I get a Zombie? NO! I DID NOT! I got a douchebag date to prom, with a DJ, I sang one song, I had a huge dress, and a super expensive meal. So not fair...So not fair.

3 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Don't feel bad--my prom involved consoling a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend, slow-dancing to Vanessa Williams, walking on a freezing cold beach and pretending you weren't cold, and nearly falling asleep in a Greek diner at 5 in the morning. The living dead could only have improved matters.

BJ Colangelo said...

I wanted to connect somehow my after party experience as well. Went to IHOP at 4 am, and there was a fight between these two girls that were just at our prom, she threw a plate at her and knocked her weave off, so they went at it. There was press on nails, weave, and gold hoops FLYING. Police were called and we all just sat there with our pancakes and tried not to make eye contact.

B-Sol said...

At any point during all this, did anyone say, "Oh no she di'int"?

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